Thursday 8 December 2016

Liberation Unleashed Intensive Retreat

Here is an invitation to step into the fire of Truth. This fire will burn all that is untrue, leaving you with a pure sense of being, aliveness, raw openness to what is. 

I have held many meetings since 2012 and I really enjoyed them. Every meeting was unique, with different questions asked, with different people coming. This time I feel to do an intensive three-day retreat. It will take place at the same Friends Meeting House in Worthing. This will be my last offering in the UK. The retreat will start on Friday evening and continue till Sunday night. This retreat is going to be focused on self-realization and clearing all the blockages that may stand in the way of recognition.

Awakening is a two-fold process of recognizing that you are not a what you think you are and realizing that life process does not stop, that there is aliveness, being, an openness that is always here, now, no matter how it seems. This process does not take you away from humanness, but rather brings awakening into everyday ordinary life. Integration of awakening is an ongoing process.

This meeting will be a lot of work and it will require your readiness and willingness to be fearless and open up, to be vulnerable, to be seen, to explore what hasn’t been explored yet. You can expect to release and let go of old patterns that no longer serve. You can expect to learn how to integrate experiences of retreat into your daily life. You will learn how to deal with emotions that are hard to deal with not by reading about it but from your own experience.

I will be guiding those that come to realize the non-separateness, the absence of I that apparently runs the show called “Individual”. I will be using Deep Looking method to undo the knots and release trapped energies, that seem persistent and in a way of peace. The group work is very powerful as we all hold safe and loving space for each other as we dive deeper into unknown. You may expect tears and laughter, release and relief that come with seeing through mind created illusions.

There will be enough time for everyone to ‘sit in a chair’ and meet your deepest issues. We will work together and face all that comes up with loving kindness. Coming together in retreat creates a powerful collective field of presence which ignites and supports each participant's awakening process. Deep surrender becomes possible in an environment of trust and honest desire for that which is true.

I will also bring my Ajna Light machine to the retreat. We will have two group sessions and you will have a chance to have individual sessions with no one disturbing you in a separate room. Ajna Light is very powerful tool for personal exploration of consciousness. It is a remarkable invention by Guy Harriman. You can read more about it here. There is a lovely interview with Guy here where he talks about how the machine was created and what it is for. Please watch the video to get to know a little about it. The Ajna Light experience will give you instant relaxation; it will detox and rejuvenate the mind, as it works directly on the pineal gland. The most common description of the experience is “WOW, I did not expect that!” This Light will heal what is ready to be healed and will boost positivity, joy of life; it will calm the mind of excessive thinking and will give you a sense of harmony and balance.

If you feel the call to come to the retreat, please register by sending me an email ( to secure your place. You can pay by PayPal or by cash on the door. You may attend any or all of the day sessions. (Although you are highly encouraged to attend as many sessions as you can; there is something beautiful that happens when we give ourselves the time and space to deeply relax into the intimacy of a gathering.)


Friday 20th of January 6pm to 8:30pm Introductory session.

Here we will meet as a group, everyone will be invited to share a little about their journey. We will gently easing into the work.

£15 on the door.

Saturday 21st January 10:30 to 8:30 whole day event.

10:30am Morning session with Ilona
1:00pm Lunch break. Individual Ajna Light sessions
3:00pm Afternoon session
5:00pm Break for snacks and refreshments, light sessions
6:00pm Evening session
8:00 Ajna Light group session

Saturday day alone £50 on the door

Sunday 22nd of January 1:00- 8:00 Whole day event

1:00pm Afternoon session 
3:30pm Break, free time. Individual Ajna Light sessions
5:00pm Evening Session
7:00pm Ajna Light Groups session

Sunday day alone £45 on the door
All three days £100

Every participant can have one individual Light session of 20 min on Saturday-Sunday.

There is a kitchen in the building where we can make tea, use a microwave, fridge, have snacks. You can bring your own lunch if you like. There will be tea provided. There is Tesco, Costa coffee, The Lazy Brunch Kitchen cafe and a really nice Thai restaurant only five minutes away from the venue. There is a quiet beach around 20 min walk. 

If you are coming from far away and need room to stay Airbnb is a perfect option, with the rooms starting from £25 a night. Please be aware that Worthing is deceivably large, so book your place closer to the venue. Friends Meeting House is located at 

The nearest train station is West Worthing.

The room is warm, with comfortable chairs and cushions.

hope to see YOU there!
There are a few more places left, but the retreat is getting booked up pretty fast.

Tuesday 11 October 2016

Fear of Losing Control

One of deepest patterns that run in this human software is the pattern of imagined control. And losing control is one of deepest fears that ego has. By ego I mean the assumed I-entity that supposedly owns a piece of life and is in charge of running it, like a general manager of this body-mind thing.

Fear of loosing control stems from assuming that there is a controller. The mind thinks that it is its job to be in charge of what happens. It thinks that by doing this job of micromanaging what happens in the future it is useful and without its work the system would collapse. The idea of loosing control is as scary as the idea of death. But what is that mind is in control of?

In experience, perception is happening with and without belief in a separate entity. Beliefs do not matter, vision, sound, sensations are happening on their own and are not subject to being switched on or off. The imagined control over what is happening is given by default as everybody are trained to believe that. It starts when we are children and test our boundaries. We are trained to behave and trained to train ourselves to behave. We are following norms and established patterns without questioning if that is really helpful. Conformity is accepted, rebelliousness is something that irritates.

We are trained to look at others and express opinions about them. And opinions are valued like something individual and precious. Then we view the world around us through this righteous lens, of right and wrong. And we try to change and help others where they don't fall into our fixated way of how things should be.

This is the pattern that runs deep and is evident in any argument that takes place.

"Loosing control is scary, because what will happen to me if I no longer feel in charge of how my life goes."

But what does that really mean? It means stiffness, tightness, narrow-mindedness, hardness and suffering. Because life does not need us to tell what it is best for us. Life provides us with lessons, it is The Teacher, that comes in the form of whatever people we meet and situations we get into. The egoistic mind focused on being in charge is thinking that it knows best, it is right and all those that are wrong should accept the opinion and the righteousness and conform as they should.

Now this pattern is really not helpful. It is the very tension that we are trying to get rid of. We hold a belief that someone else needs to fix their behaviour for us to be at peace. So if you think that you are awake but keep pointing fingers at others and blaming them for how they make you feel- that's a kindergarten level of relating. Being adult means owning your reactions and seeing them first. Then looking at what is behind those reactions and understanding where they come from.

To be at peace requires surrender. Peace is already here underneath all opinion-stories, underneath the desire to be in charge and in control. It is noticing that we are the flow. Bruce Lee told us- be like water. That says, stop fighting what is, release the idea of a controller, soften, be flexible and nothing will touch you. Let life live as you without resistance.

We can observe patterns. We can ask questions like - is this helpful pattern, is it useful, does it serve or is it creating tension? Is it ok to let this pattern go? What can be lost?

When we focus attention on what is wrong with others or situations, we miss the gift that life is presenting to us. It only takes a shift of attention from others to our own reactions. Reactions that are happening, including body sensations, emotions and thoughts are what we are here to notice. Then we take attention from what we think is wrong and give it to our own sensations that are triggered by outside. This is the shift from outside to inside and this is where real work is- noticing our own patterns. And when patterns are seen they get to change. With and without belief in a controller.

I use this example often of being on a rollercoaster ride, sitting in the first car and holding on to a wheel. No matter where you turn the wheel, the ride is already set and the car will follow rails. It is safe to take hands off the wheel and enjoy the ride without imagining that you are the driver.
The driver is imagined, there is nothing to loose. The fear of losing something that was never ours is irrational. But there is something to gain when we step out of the role of the general manager and surrender to life. There is a joy of exploration and freedom, there are mystery, magic and synchronicity, there are openness and trusting life.

And only love remains where used to be fear.

Be like water...

Thursday 6 October 2016

Integration: Saying YES to All

When I started pointing to no self, I knew one thing: the belief in being a separate entity that is driving the body through life- is the core of human suffering. I called that mechanism I Virus, it was so clear to me that delusion can end and that it's my mission to make this message widely heard. The I Virus is the default program, everyone believes their I is separate from everyone else's.

Seeing through the fallacy of the idea of separateness and all ideas that attempt to describe 'what is' we call crashing the gateless gate. At the very beginning I knew I had to stand my ground and keep focus purely on the gate, I knew that there will be other realisations and integration, that seeing will deepen. I knew that at some point I won't be able to point to the gate as effectively. I mean, I was focused on pointing only to this- look, there is no 'you'.
I stood my ground, I even wrote a book and put all I had, that worked for people. There is nothing more or different I can say today. It feels that this mission is complete.

On this blog I have never shared about integration, about what tools I use, what practices I have, what works for me. We all have our own way to deepen the inner journey. I feel I would like to start sharing that just in case someone finds it inspiring and useful.

LU is running, meaning everyone is doing their part. LU is focused on guiding to see no self and that shall remain, I can step to a side and do my own thing now. I have given all I have to point to no self.

There are many many people now that realised the absence of I entity as it was thought to be. What's next? - is a common question that everyone asks.

Next is integration. Right after initial seeing I called the next phase Falling- meaning, all that does not serve falls away while all that is new and fresh falls into place. There is nowhere to land, falling is happening, destroying all certainty about how things are. Some deeply rooted beliefs and emotional traumas don't fall away so easily. Some things remain unconscious until they are examined closely again and again. I use Deep Looking process to access those areas and it proves to be very effective in releasing structures that hold an apparent person in contracted state.

All we want is freedom, expansion, love, acceptance, peace. All that does not simply come with crossing the line of the gateless gate. The gate is only an opening. The exploration continues. The falling stage can be very intense and confusing. It's not a ticket to happy ever after as many may have expected. So life brings us to looking again and again till it's absolutely clear that imagined controller is imagined.

I have gone through deconstruction process before I faced the question of no self directly. It was a painful time and there was a lot to question, including most precious beliefs that did not want to go away easily. At times it felt like killing ego, like cutting pieces away brutally and all that was necessary.

There was a lot left to clear after the opening. Some things fell off and were only noticed missing when looked back. Some things felt like I have to train the mind, to tame it, to find a new way to relate to the mind itself. It was very helpful for me to learn to say YES to everything that was showing up.

My friend Elena inspired me to try what she have learned from Pamela Wilson. Simply by saying Yes to all got me to allow whatever intense emotions were happening to just be ok. At the beginning, it felt like a practice. I kept remembering to just say yes in situations where mind would usually scream- "no, not again, I don't want this!"  After a while it kind of became natural and I could be OK within previously unwanted situations. It felt like overriding the default program manually and it worked.

There are a lot of great tools and modalities that help us deal with the baggage that still remains after crashing the gate. Being mindful, remembering to notice, to look at what is true at any given moment allows us to observe the tendencies and drop habitual patterns.

There are lots of great teachers that are helpful on after the gate journey, like Adyashanti, Byron Katie, Rupert Spira, Greg Goode, Scott Kiloby, to name a few. And of course, life brings the right teacher at the right moment in the form that is most acceptable for us. Whatever life presents, whatever presents life gives are the right ones that we need at that moment. There are no mistakes.

People are talking about stuckness, falling into traps and being unable to move forward. I know how that feels very well and I'm not immune to that either, but there is also knowing that stuckness is impossible, life is a flow; flow does not stick to anything, and whatever shows up as the next lesson, has to be learned in order to move into more expanded state. Suffering that shows up lights the path pointing directly to what is still unresolved. The unwanted emotional states are pressing to look deeper to find the root, to deal with the issue directly, without further avoiding and putting it on hold.

My life has changed dramatically just after initial crossing the line. I was working for somebody for many years and felt unhappy about the situation, so life presented an opportunity to start our own tattoo business. We have moved to another town, to a new spacious house, with a garden. It felt like a big shift and it served me well. There was a lot of residue around relationships that did not simply resolve, I had addictions and unhealthy patterns. This was a biggie for me. I had periods of highest high and lowest low, struggle to release and longing for love. All that is part of being human. All that was welcome as I was saying Yes to all. I did not expect a happy ever after and I cried a bucket of tears (or two), I got into depressive states and I was looking for the next tool to ease suffering, but in the background of all this dance there was peace and trust, that all is unfolding as it should and there are no skipping parts. There was trust that life knows what it's doing even in the darkest hours.

It is not uncommon to get into the dark night of the soul period. Once beliefs start falling off there

may be emptiness, passivity, desperation, nihilism and giving up on life. This is too part of the process. This shall pass regardless of what stories about permanence mind creates and believes. This state is necessary on the path of clearing. It's purging all that is no longer needed and is not helpful. If you find yourself in this state, please seek out support, just talking about with people that went through it will give reassurance that even this is ok and it will pass.

Awakening from the dream of separation is not meant to be pleasant as we get to face our bullshit that we treasured for years. This can be so intense, but even intensity is ok.

Okayness does not mean passivity or giving up on what is important. It's a state of trusting life, trusting that the next necessary step is exactly the step that needs to be taken. It is surrendering to life as we no longer imagine that we are the drivers. We know what step is ahead of us, what we need to do now, what issues are here to be resolved. Once the step is complete, a new step presents itself and we know what to do- we do what is happening.

This process is about unlearning all that we knew was true and settling into not knowing. This gives a sense of freshness, of mystery, of something higher at work, magic if you like. When we become less and less structured by mind created shoulds and shouldn'ts there is freedom to experience all without judgement of right and wrong. That is a blessing and there is noticeable peace underneath all mind chatter. It's always here, always available in the moment. Being able to notice that allows us to rest in the middle of a storm.
There is work to be done even while knowing that there is no doer. There are tools that work better than others. It's all part of humaning. We are designed to seek pleasure and move away from pain- it's natural to want to be happy and want dear people around us to be happy too. So I say Yes to clearing all that needs to be cleared and healing all that still needs to be healed.

May we all stop running away from pressing issues and face them head on fearlessly and gracefully.

Peace to all.
May all beings be in joy.

Friday 30 September 2016

A Journey To Find Magic Part 3


There was magic all around us, there was a deep connection to nature and people that gathered at the retreat. We had ayahuasca ceremony that was one of culmination points of the week. It was my first taste of what this medicine was about. Everyone had unique experience and we all collectively had a great time. No one was sick, no one was suffering. The medicine that Juan brought was gentle and kind. It was a different kind then Peruvian medicine and was called St Daime.

The ceremony consisted of three parts. We all drunk the tea three times. Each time stronger brew. After drinking it up we would sit in a circle, women on one side, men on the other. Diana and Juan would sing hymns that they learned from shamans, they would keep the space for intense energies to come up, which indeed came up. Then we would sit in silence for a while, with eyes closed, going deeper into an individual process. Then we would go to the sea and dance by the fire. Guy had his tablet and was composing music live, it was quite something. Then we would come back to the circle and drink another round of tea. Each round was more intense.

I felt no fear and the trip was not so visual. Just at the beginning, I saw shapes and forms, moving, some ants and insects, a few snakes passed by my mind's eye. The rest of process I was present in the circle, performing my own magic, setting intentions for the whole life to heal, whatever needs to heal. I prayed for all suffering to be released for everyone. I put the pain into the fire and asked the fire to burn it all away. The pain of past generations, the pain of present inhabitants, humans, animals, all of it. I felt that my role in the circle was to transmute dark energies into light. Which was surreal, of course, as it was a trip, but it felt real and true. I felt like a fairy, floating in the air on my newly found wings. I was smiling and laughing, holding the light in the circle, regardless of what was happening around. There were lots of interesting things happening! But I'm not here to tell other participants stories.

The biggest gift from this ayahuasca experience I got was love for Divine entering my heart and making itself at home. Love for my Self, life, breath, truth. I prayed for love, truth, and justice for everyone, it felt like my prayer was heard. I had a renewed sense of trust in life itself.

If I was to tell everything you would think I'm making it all up. This only happens in fantasy TV shows that are seen as fiction for the sake of entertainment. This experience was no TV show, but life revealing it's magical side that for most are hidden. I was feeling so blessed to take part in this event with my brothers and sisters. It felt that we met before and that we will meet again. There was an unmistakable sense of tribe being brought together so that we can do our work and be of service to this place called Earth. Each one of us had their own vision and we all have our part to play. I stepped into my role fully and consciously. I have no doubts about my path and I'm walking it with my tribe and on my own two feet. This was the gift of ayahuasca.

As the ceremony ended, nature reflected what was happening. It suddenly got so quiet and still. There was a circle of light clouds around the moon, no wind at all, complete discharge. Unfortunately, this stillness brought out hundreds of mosquitoes and midges that wanted our blood. Some of us got bitten, but that was a tiny price to pay for the magic that we experienced.

The day after the ceremony we all were spent out. Especially our beautiful priests, Diana and Juan. They have done amazing work and were resting. The last day was sweet. We got ourselves packed and ready for leaving. Some people had another go at bufo toad and had even more amazing experiences as the medicines we took, combined. I felt I had enough of all medicines and was in need of coming down. The journey was coming to the end. But there was one more peak experience to be had- a visit to a Mayan pyramid.


As it was the time of Equinox and travellers were gathering at the main sites, we certainly did not want to join the crowds of people. Apparently, the pyramids are well protected, one cannot touch them and people are allowed to look from a distance, take pictures, but not allowed to sit and meditate. Which sounds like some forces do not want people to know what the pyramids are all about. Three of us (me, husband and friend) visited the archaeological site of Tulum before coming to retreat. It was beautiful and impressive, but we could only walk designated paths and be among tourists as tourists. It was great and we took some nice pictures, but Mayan magic was unreachable. Juan suggested we go to some place special. And wow that was special!

We arrived at the site of Chacchoben (Chak-choh-behn). I was exhausted and hungry, the sun was up high up and the heat was strong. But as soon as we entered the site all that was unimportant. We stood by the buildings that were so impressive and emanated strong energy. The small pyramid was awesome, but the big one once again left me speechless. Such immense power was felt. We were in a middle of the jungle, with no other people around, just our group and ancient Mayan pyramid in the whole of its glory, standing here for thousands of years, as if waiting for this moment. I was struck by awe. We started a meditation- we walked three circles around it, stopping at each of 8 corners- praying for whatever we had to pray. And I have never prayed in my life as I have not been taught by religions, but this felt real.

At the back of pyramid, I noticed movement- to my surprise there were huge monkeys, jumping from tree to tree, coming quite close to look at us. It was another time I said WOW out loud. To see these big primates free in the jungle was not only mysterious but somehow I felt so grateful. On the west side, there was a display of lots and lots of dragonflies, gathering around the top, it felt truly mystical. The sun was shining down the steps, illuminating spider webs, above which the dragonflies were dancing. Behind me were ancient trees, that I've only seen in pictures before. There was a rich sense of presence.

After we went around the pyramid three times, we sat on the grass and meditated. The moment was so rich and full. There was a sense of cosmic presence, of being invited to this mystical place by divine will. At one point I looked to the right and aligned to the pyramid, I looked to the left and there was a huge blue butterfly right in opposition to the pyramid... Flattering by… You see such scenes in movies, here life was living it.

A gift from pyramid was simple knowing what I am. I am THAT. Divine light, that illuminates all, from the center of the heart.

I could not really relax into deep meditation by the pyramid as I was being bitten by ants and insects as if they were working on my staying here, anchoring in presence with eyes wide open. It felt a powerful moment of just being. I also felt wonder of how did I get to be here?!
This felt like an initiation of some kind. Which means there is a whole lot more coming!

I can not count gifts that I received on this journey. The very best gift from this whole experience was meeting amazing people and being able to witness a transformation that we all individually and collectively went through. The caterpillar died for the butterfly to be born. Many butterflies were born. There was so much more light in everyone's eyes and smiles became radiant. I saw the huge transformation happening with my dear husband, he had a blast at the retreat. I came home with a new person. And our friend that came with us too, looked completely changed to the lighter, more grounded side. The gifts that the group shared between each other, each and every process that we went through together, has made us feel nurtured, accepted, healed and connected. I wish more people would be able to experience something like that.

A huge thank you to Barnaby and Brucelas for making this retreat happen and doing so much work holding the space. And Melissa for cooking delicious foods and being the soul of the kitchen.
My sisters and brothers, you are awesome and it's my honour to meet you and see you. Thank you, my teachers.
This event will never be forgotten.


Thank you for reading, hope you have enjoyed the story. Please leave a comment if you feel like. And check my website where I will put links to the new tools that technology has to offer in case you got curious about that. Tools are not needed to realise no self, but they are great for integration. There are various models and tools, some are more advanced than others, we all use them, whatever works. The incredible technology is here, it can be utilised to clean up all that debris that persists after realisation. The purpose of the technology or medicines is to accelerate inner journey. It works on all levels, physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. I am a witness of that as I saw a deep change in myself after a week of trying all these different modalities, I saw how the whole group was transformed, how radiance was indeed awakened.

Will see what happens next, the magic that was found is not lost.. We are settling in our old lives with a feeling of expansion and excitement.
This is only a beginning...

The conclusion: *whispers* magic is real.

Thursday 29 September 2016

A Journey To Find Magic Part 2


On the second day Juan was performing Sapo ceremony, where bufo toad medicine was used. This was what I came to retreat for: to experience first-hand what this smoking toad is all about.

I was the first to smoke it. As I saw the pipe coming up to my mouth I thought- this is it. There was no fear. There was a sense of curiosity and excitement. As I inhaled the smoke and held it in, I could immediately feel it's effect. The colours changed, everything became more clear and vivid, there was a sense of heart opening and dropping into the arms of Life. We started with smaller doses, to get used to it, to taste it before the real hit. For me it was extremely gentle and soothing. It felt like body is evaporating, everything melted away, there was pure consciousness, presence, and only breath was here. I remember being in a place between life and death. I saw birds flying over the head, like shadows that were leaving me, I saw clear blue sky above and listened to soft sounds of singing bowls and sounds of the ocean. It was surreal. It truly is indescribable and I can't find words that would somehow tell what happened. Something happened. The mind was still. With an occasional thought passing by like those birds. There was simply looking with no commentary, seeing vividness and aliveness present all around. I was everything and nothing. This felt amazing. the gentle sounds of the ocean, the warmth of the sun, all was here. I was feeling serenity and deeper connectedness to all.

Some others have experienced complete obliteration, being shot out into the space, witnessing the place where stars are born, seeing golden light of life itself, brighter that the sun. I stayed here, knowing that this is only a beginning. Nowhere to rush, no need to seek anything, all is perfection in action. As it IS.

There was deep opening to life, surrendering fully, I felt parts of me melting away, and only thing that stayed was breathing, in and out, so simple, so alive. Juan and Diana were holding space beautifully, attending to us, singing, bringing incense to our noses, healing what needed to be healed.

After the fifth time of inhaling the vapour I was left with only word WOW... Wow.. Now looking back I can say that I felt being reconnected to nature, rewired to receive subtle energies and being prepared for whatever happens next.

Huge thanks for the shamans for making this medicine available and for holding space so firmly, skilfully and softly.

I was left with deep sense of wordless wonder..

Everyone around were transformed too. Amazingly the experience only lasts minutes, and when I came out everything was fine, like nothing happened, there was no "hangover" or physical change, all felt so natural, but something changed deeply. This was a reset of old life. There was a sense of freshness and wholeness, which stayed. 

The day after Sapo (the bufo toad) I started to share my gifts. For the next three days I held group sessions of Direct Pointing and gave one on one sessions of Deep Looking for a few participants. We gathered under a canopy roof, in the fresh air, enjoying the breeze that was soothing us. I started by saying how simple it is to realise that separate self is an illusion, setting the tone of discussion and getting people at ease. There is no need to be afraid of what may happen. In essence nothing happens, only a thought of me, a separate entity that is somehow on its own, separated from everyone and life itself, loses its certainty. One can no longer take the I thought for an entity, it seems rather ridiculous to assume that.

Barnaby read some excerpts from the new Liberation Unleashed book. It was interesting for me to hear it being read, I put so much work into it and so did other people, the final polished version sounded clear and to the point, which I was very happy about. The book is coming out in USA in a couple of days.

On the third day I had Deep Looking sessions in the group. This was the most powerful session as I could witness what this process does to people live. I usually worked one on one over internet, by texting. Sometimes with a couple of people at the same time. I could do whatever I was engaged in- like cleaning, cooking, ironing, walking, or just sitting. So working with a group and seeing how deep this process gets and how strong its effect is, was powerful experience for me too. In a matter of minutes, I could get people to go into the subconscious and bring the patterns, that no longer serve up, then get them released. Then the mind and heart would connect, the mind would drop its assumed position of general manager and get to soften. There would be love expanding and genuine sense of release.

Deep Looking process is just as powerful as shamanic medicines, it works on both conscious and unconscious levels, it makes adjustments in the system that untangles the mess in the head and frees the heart from mind created protective structures. Protection is fine where it's needed, and it is welcome of course, but some structures that mind creates are hurting the heart and that does not serve anything. Deep looking tool gets one to resolve old issues in a very short time for good. Simply by attentively listening what own mind and heart want.

It was a pleasure to be working with such open and receptive group. It was amazing to see how during those days everyone's faces continuously transformed and more joy entered. How there was bigger trust in life and willingness to take the hands off imaginary wheel. By using Direct Pointing, I could zoom into the individual blocks and get them questioned, I was zeroing on most efficient questions to ask so that my friends that came to look could see.

And here I want to thank Liberation Unleashed community for working together, refining this method and making it available for free for everyone that care enough to look. You guys and girls, that work on forum and in person are doing tremendous work, so needed at this time, so efficient and skillful. Thank you, my LU tribe! What we created on Internet has profound effect, I was blessed to see how it works live. Although I hold meetings in my town, this retreat was special, just because everyone was in tune and prepared by other people that worked their magic. This retreat was my first as a participant and facilitator, it was delightful to be part of it and share Direct Pointing. I could share the ultimate gift - being able to look for oneself at what is actually true and real. This is what Direct Pointing gives- a tool of looking. It can be used at anytime, anywhere. And nothing else is needed. It stands on its own and one can look again and again and see how in every situation, the assumed separate entity is only a thought, not an entity. It's great to experience shamanic medicine and it has its place in individual and collective journeys, but to wake up from assumed separateness nothing is required other than answering the ultimate question:

There is no separate self, no I entity, is it true- yes or no?

Anything other than silence is not the right answer. The right answer is when the question drops and no longer makes sense. There may be a laugh, or just a gentle drop of belief. And that's all. Once the no self is recognised there is no going back. The idea of self is seen to be a concept, not a perceiver of life. Life is seen to be living itself. Free to flow. Free to experience all. Whatever shows up.


There were other power ingredients in the cauldron of Awakening Radiance retreat. I haven't mentioned yet the Ajna light. We were so lucky to have Guy Harriman with us. This man was like no one else I've ever met. He would say that people tell him that he is the weirdest person, but I would not call him weird. I met enough of weird people through my tattoo work to know what weird looks like. Guy was not fitting into this category. In fact, he is not someone that would fit into any category. He is unique and has amazing presence, both mysterious and enlightening at the same time.

He came to the retreat from Thailand where he has a non-commercial healing centre. He is an inventor of Ajna light. As he spent many years working in Silicon Valley creating computer chips, I cannot imagine how his mind works and what discoveries were made to make this light machine. In the first day we all had a taster- 10 minutes under the light. In those ten minutes I knew already how powerful and amazing this light was, I knew already that I have to get it and share it with as many people as I can. Why? You have to try it to believe it. If I tell you that I experienced the clearest, most pristine colours dancing in intricate mandalas, all with eyes closed, you may think I am bluffing. But it was real! The inner screen was lit up with incredible light that I have never seen before, nor I could imagine. This Ajna light decalcifies pineal gland which means that the so called third eye is activated and switched on. I have no idea how Guy created his machine, but it surely is the most amazing invention that I have ever had an opportunity to try. You can read more about it on Guy's website. Basically you do not need to go for shamanic medicines, you can just use this light and have the same hallucinogenic experiences without consuming anything. That is quite an invention.  

Later I had a couple of half hour sessions, I could go deeper into experience and just melt into the light. This was another huge WOW!
Guy brought us light and his presence, which was, again, beyond words.

That's not all... The next big thing was the experience of the Magic Carpet, as Kathie was calling this mat, created by Swiss bio engineers. This invention is just as amazing. Lying on the mat I could feel the whole body being activated and receiving vibrations that were healing, soothing, regenerating, energising, relaxing and toning all at the same time. The mat transmits frequencies of earth. If you have heard of Shuman resonance, of frequency of the planet, then it will be easy for you to understand what this mat is capable of. It heals body physically, it releases blocks effortlessly, it recharges cells like we charge our phones. You just lay down on a mat and let the magic carpet take you for a ride.

Combined, the light and the mat is like a turbo charge for the body and mind. When I stood up after half an hour session of both, I felt I was ready for ANYTHING. That was some feeling that I’ve never had. I was feeling so strong, harmonised fully and standing on my own two feet like never before. As if this system for the first time was fully charged, while previously on the best day it was running on half the battery. It is hard to describe as the change is on cellular level, but one thing I can say, this technology is out of this world. It's completely mind blowing. I'm so happy that Guy and Paul with Kathie brought these amazing tools and shared with us.

The way I see it, it's one thing to realise how separate self is an illusion and carry on living as we did. There is nothing wrong with that. Life goes on regardless. But there is another thing to use advanced technology to clear all that debris that was left in the system that manifests as illness in the body and sickness of the mind. Old patterns and severe traumas may linger and need some work. I have met beautiful people that are clear in seeing and are suffering from physical ailments. I have friends whose everyday life is a physical struggle, that requires so much energy to just to get by and do ordinary stuff. I had myself experienced pain recently in my shoulder and arm that was persistent and I had to try many different things to ease the pain. Including taking morphine based painkillers so that I could work and tattoo, without the pills I could not. I tried acupuncture, massages, fascia release, Chinese herbs, all kinds of rubs and ointments.. I know how it feels to be unable to perform physical tasks when pain is too big. With this new technology there is trust that body can heal fully and be at peak performance regardless of age and past traumas. 

The things I read about the Swiss Bionic Solutions gives me hope that everyone can heal. It sounds sci-fi and a bit out there, I agree, but this is no Stargate TV show, it's real and it's available. I will be inviting people to try it for themselves and make their own opinions about it. I have already ordered the Ajna light and the Swiss bionic mat as I know from my own experience how powerful this new technology is. And it's only a beginning!

One thing I can say- it is not for everyone. I'm not trying to say that you need this. I personaly love technology, I always had. I am curious about gadgets and inventions for exploring consciousness. I am not someone that would dedicate lifetime to go into a cave and meditate for hours. I much prefer to get the brain entrained by technology. My meditation practice started from Holosync. It was easy to put phones on and get into deep states in minutes. I could get into same states without listening to the CDs once my brain got used to the frequencies and learned to go in and out of meditative states effortlessly. I had lots of fun with monoaural, binaural, solffegio frequencies, sound healing technologies, so discovering light machine and the mat was most delightful surprise for my tech-geek side. I am so looking forward to see how this new technology journey will unfold, I feel it has a tremendous potential. So yes, there was another WOW to experience light, mat and music rolled into super charging- clearing- energising- mind blowing new age tech-enchilada. The light machine is amazing on its own, so is the mat, but together is something else! A nuclear device with tremendous potential, i'm really excited about that. 

Tomorrow I will tell about Ayahuasca ceremony and visit to a pyramid, stay tuned...

Part 3

Part 1

Wednesday 28 September 2016

A Journey To Find Magic Part1

I have been on a journey and now I am back, with lots to tell. It's early morning and I'm having a lovely cup of coffee, starting to weave the story about where I've been. It takes me a whole day to write and I will be sharing the story over next three days. 


It all starts a couple of years ago when I got a Facebook friend request from Barnaby. He says hi, I say hi, we talk a little. He has read Jed McKenna like I did, so I point out that Jed missed the main pointer which is looking DIRECTLY at the absence of a separate self. Ten minutes in our conversation Barnaby looks, he starts to feel into sensations that arise, feels like drowning, I hold space for him, assuring that it's all ok. Something changes, he sees.. As easy as that. He was ripe and ready, there was nothing in the way of seeing, so with a little touch, Barnaby has recognised the nature of illusion of I.

Since then we kept chatting on Facebook about this and that, we had some common interests like bringing awakening to more people. Barnaby had the vision to organise a retreat, where he would invite all key people that helped him on his journey. His vision came true and here I was flying to Mexico... The retreat is called Awakening Radiance, it was held in Xcalac, on the edge of nowhere.

Barnaby had gathered a group of amazing people. Guy Harriman came with Ajna light. I never heard of it before the retreat. Diana and Juan came with a whole bag of tools and medicines, they were our shamans, even though they did not like to use that word. I came with my tools working with the mind- Direct Pointing and Deep Looking. Among participants, there was Kathie and Paul that brought a 'Magic Mat' and Quantum Touch healing. People came to the retreat from faraway places like Australia, Canada, U.K., Thailand, USA. This was a gathering of beautiful people that had a lot to share and learn from each other. I came with my husband and our friend. In respect of privacy, I won’t be mentioning names and I will keep this story all about my own experience. And even if it told you the whole story, you would not believe me.

What happened at the retreat over 7 days is hard to put in words, everyone had very strong and deep experiences, there was a huge transformation going on individually and within the group. I was repeating word 'wow' and was blown away by what I witnessed more times in that week than in an entire year or two! The energy that the group shared was bringing us closer to each other and to nature.

Part 2. NATURE

The connection to nature for me was one of the most profound gifts. All my life I felt that somehow there is this gap, that needs to be closed- I am part of nature, I am nature itself, but somehow life seemed a little distance away. Once I saw that separate self was an illusion, the assumed person was no longer there, it was clear that THIS is life living itself. At this retreat, I got to connect deeper and melt into that knowing. I had some profound realisations and was shown how life is breath, literally. 

We breathe in and out all day and night and mostly unconscious. When I bring attention to the Breath, when I inhale and exhale consciously the Breath tastes so sweet, so yummy, so alive. There is such power in breathing mindfully. I rediscovered breath, I clearly feel that life is breathing this body, that life is in every cell of this organism and that Breath is the essence of life. Life is breath, in and out, in and out.. It's right here, the sense of being, aliveness is found in breathing. Sound so simple, but somehow when the mind takes over when stories become the centre of attention the connection to the breath is lost. Then one thing to do is step into to breathing. It's always here. Opening the chest, lifting the head up, and simply taking a few rhythmic conscious breaths brings me back to the presence. This is how energies get transmuted, breath clears all tensions, breath heals, the mind calms down and loses interest in stories, as this moment here is much more interesting than some imaginary stuff.
It was miraculous to connect to nature. 

We had a beautiful space on a private beach, with no civilisation around, just us and nature. When three of us ( me, husband and friend) arrived at the place a storm was gathering, the wind was blowing hard and it seemed that in a minute there will be a storm, but it passed us. The wind was strong for the beginning of the retreat, which was nice, as we had a breeze from the sea and it was cooling during the hot tropical day. It also kept insects away. At the end, when the group worked through the intense energies, the wind subsided and there was calm. So calm, that no leaves were moving, so still that the sea became like a mirror that reflected sky... So beautiful how nature reflected our collective state.

We were blessed by the cosmic show of sunrises and sunsets, the moon rises, and moon sets. It was a week of the full moon and when it was coming up, the whole sky was lit by this giant cool lamp. We enjoyed sitting in the moonlight moon-bathing, chatting to people or just sitting in silence absorbed in a moment. We got up early every morning to catch the first rays of the sun. We saw rainbows and clear skies, millions of stars, we saw rainstorms and lightning. The show was spectacular. Unforgettable. The whole sky was there showing us the beauty of Life.

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We had gorgeous Caribbean ocean too, with fishes and crabs and sea flees that liked to nibble on us.. The beach was looking sad, there was a lot of debris thrown out after a storm that happened a few weeks ago. It was hard to see how much plastic and rubbish was thrown out on the shore. It was hurtful to know that we, humans, are so disrespectful of nature that we throw garbage in waters. The beach so far away from civilisation was affected hugely by ignorance and carelessness of our brothers and sisters that have no idea what they are doing to Mother Nature. This has to change.

We also had animals that came to the retreat, a couple of dogs, lizards, some saw a tarantula, some a scorpion, lots of crabs, birds, dragonflies and colourful butterflies. I made friends with a fish! This was quite an interesting experience as this little fish liked to swim with me, it was very curious and playful, it followed me back to the shore and stayed with me for about an hour. It was incredible and very touching in a personal way. The fish was very comfortable around this woman's body and did not want to leave. It was almost magical. This little grey fish with blue dots and yellow thins will stay in my memory as a friend.

As I connected to sun, moon, stars, Earth, wind, rain, I started to see chi energy. Diana was leading chi hung classes in the mornings, which I never have done before. At the beginning, it felt like quite a complicated exercise, hard to follow. It had elements of yoga, which were a little familiar as I used to go to yoga classes. A few days later I got it! I got how the energy moves, how my hands receive and send, how the centre under the belly button is the generator of whole energy we have and I got how to charge myself. This was the first taste of chi, not imagined, but real. Not something I read about, or have seen in movies, but true in my own experience.


Every day we had meditation time and some days we had silence.

We had a very powerful meditation created by Paul and Kathie. It was specific breath work, including music and chanting that got me to experience energy movement like never before. I have done a few group meditations, I have used various methods, but THIS was something else! I have never felt connections to lower and higher energy centres, besides the 7 chakras and when they got activated through breath, amazing sensations started to happen, I could feel the torus, all around the body, swirling up and down, there was so much light inside the closed eyes, there were sensations of body melting away into this swirling dance of energy. Unspeakable. Single most powerful meditation of any kind that I experienced. This technology that Paul and Kathie created was nothing like I've tried before. I'm looking forward to being able to download it and trying it again at home.

The first day was a day of preparation for the medicine. Diana and Juan were taking participants one by one into the sea to give all Janzu water treatment. There were too many of us to be served in one day. I watched them working with people in astonishment- something very unique was going on there. I did not know anything about it and was super curious to try. My turn came on the third day.
First I received quantum touch healing from Paul and Kathie. It felt like a couple of Angels were working on me. I am not a believer in angels and I don't use this word ever, but meeting this couple was like meeting beings that were not from Earth. When I looked into the eyes of Paul and Kathie, there was only love, connection, serenity and full acceptance. The healing touch that was used on me realigned, balanced and harmonised the body. I only read about Quantum Touch on the Internet, and even subscribed to some newsletter thinking that this was something interesting. Seeing Paul in action and noticing an instant change in my husband as Paul was demonstrating how it works, was mind blowing. Experiencing that for myself left no doubt that this stuff is powerful.

Right after quantum touch healing Diana took me into the ocean. She asked the spirit of water to cooperate, we have done some exercises and then it started. She gave me earplugs and a nose clip, so I would not need to be distracted by water getting into the nose and ears. Then she instructed me that she will give a warning sign when she will pull me under so I can get a breath in and hold it in.

She asked me to relax completely and to let go of any trying to control, then she started to gently pull me around, directing the flow, getting the body to relax completely. It was incredible, I completely surrendered to the motion, there was not a dash of resistance, my body was completely free to move as Diana was skilfully in charge. I was like a rag doll, being played with. She pulled me under the water, twisted and rotated my body, which felt light and boneless. This indeed reminded me of being free flowing in the womb of the mother. There was a sense of deep connection to water, to the flow that was so playful and joyful, a complete surrender to the magic and a sense of being reborn. Hehe, I felt like a mermaid, with my hair floating freely and the body free of any tension, with eyes open, swimming like I was a water creature. Diana later told me how she enjoyed the session with me as it was really powerful, how fully I surrendered. There was no fight, but complete trust, there was no driver present, only the flow.

When the session was over, Diana gently pulled me to the shore, I laid on the sand resting, processing what just happened, enjoying the moment, which felt like being born again. When I stood up to walk I looked at my feet and that felt weird to have them. My knees were wonky and it felt like I have to use legs for the first time. Strange experience! I wobbled to a mat that was set on the grass, Diana got me to lay down and put a blanket over my body, covered my eyes and performed a healing ceremony.

I laid there like a caterpillar in a cocoon being reborn as a butterfly. The gentle sound of bells and Diana singing was keeping me present, the smell of oils and incense was delicious, the mermaid harp was singing in the wind making most beautiful sound.. I still can hear it now while writing this. I stayed in this magical place for a while, there was no rush to get up. It felt like I'm freshly born. No kidding. Amazingly at the time of Janzu session, there was a cosmic event of moon eclipse taking place. Roll all this up together and whoosh, a real sense of magic! Something that it's hard to put in words. I was feeling so blessed to experience this. Diana is amazing, she is a warrior princess, with many tools. I called her and Juan Swiss army spiritual couple, they seemed to be able to pull magic out of their pockets. Literally. :)


Tomorrow I will share about Toad Medicine, Direct Pointing and New tools of technology.

Part 2
Part 3

Friday 8 July 2016

Liberation Unleashed Book

I am looking forward to the 1st of October, as that is when my book Liberation Unleashed is coming out. 

Writing this book was a whole journey, that started before I even knew it. It took a few years to gather the material, to shape and to polish it. I am really excited, that only in a few months it will be in the shops, on the shelves ready to be picked up by readers. I am exited not because I think it is great to be a published writer, but because this book has a real potential to make a huge change people's lives.

I put everything that I could say to a seeker, that worked, that pushed, that pointed to seeing that undivided wholeness of what we are. This book is packed with questions, practical and simple exercises, that can be used and tried out by anyone. It contains a few Direct Pointing guiding conversations that I had, where confusion was cleared and clarity was found. It also has a few articles from my blog and Seven Steps to seeing through the illusion of a separate self. All my work, crystallized, synthesized and put in order. My hope is that this work will reach out further, to more people and it will be the last book that is needed to read, in order to awaken from a dream of separateness.

These pointers and method truly work, as it is seen repeatedly on  Liberation Unleashed forum. Every day we have new member coming in and guides offering to help. There are six thousand members now, which is not a joke! It is incredible to see many guides, working there with seekers that come from all kinds of paths looking for peace, truth, clarity; taking them by hand out of the head into the experience, pointing where to look again and again, till all doubts are cleared.

I am so incredibly grateful for everyone involved in whichever way they can to support LU movement. It is amazing for me to hear about LU meetings happening here and there, people coming together in person, sharing, exploring and investigating together. It is great to hear about more and more people finding LU through friends, family, teachers, books of other authors, YouTube videos and the App. And soon this book, I hope, will make it so much easier for those that are ready to look, actually recognize the simple truth, that I, the separate self, is not what it appears to be. And that opens up a whole new view, a whole new way of life, with more space, trust and openness to what is happening... to what IS.

I noticed on Amazon, that there is a good deal of 21% off the price if you pre-order. I think it's worth it, if you consider buying it. It's a bit longer to wait for it to be released outside America, but it's coming! It will be out on December 29th.

Please share this post with anyone that might be interested, help to spread the news. And while waiting, if there is burning desire for truth, please register on the forum and start that journey through the gateless gate.

with love,

Sunday 3 July 2016

Behind the Curtain

You know how some days you have the same conversation with several people? Today there is a definite theme in the messages I'm receiving- and it's all about unwanted feelings. There is a theme of resisting what is. There is wanting to get rid of resistance. Ending resistance is much simpler than it seems. All it takes is looking behind that sensation, what is there?

Here is one of the the chats.

Hi Ilona,

Hi :)

First of all my English language is not so well, but I can communicate. I was seeking for last 7 years, it was very painful and confusing, but I persist and now whole no self thing is seen more and more clear. After spending years reading tons of books, youtube clips, last push happened when i was reading posts on your blog and LU forum. Today morning I decided that I must contact you, because is grown desire in me to share this message in my country in my language. I live in Croatia and this kind of looking on reality is not known. I can’t find anybody in RL or web who share something like that. As most humans also Croatian people suffer so much and I feel if this message is spread here some steps in reducing of suffering can be made. In my case maybe a few things left to clear up, maybe I have a few expectations ingrained so deep which constantly obscure smooth living. I know that is also just what is but that is how it is now in my case.  So please if you can help me on that, because I feel that I am not honest enough to share this message with my surroundings if I have some doubts left. I think now is the right moment in me to finish first step and start spreading this message. I am 39 years old male, my name is Marin, and at the and, maybe it is not important, but my favorite teacher on nonduality scene is Rick Linchitz, he was keeping my focus on these things for few years. Regards from Istria, Croatia !

Hi Marin! Lovely to connect! Glad to hear that no self thingy is clear now and you wish to share that with others. I had that pull to share too and look what happened!
How can I assist you?

Thanks you response to me. It will be very helpful if I can pass through few my doubts with you. Hope so after that I will be ready to share this looking with others with honestly. I see clearly that self can’t be found outside imagination, but subtle seeking is still going on, so please what can be done in my case? I don’t know where to look any more or is just more time needed for cleaning up old habits?

Let's have a look together. What kind of doubt is there?
And what should be different?

Here is persistent expectation that something must be different, after seeing this, but on the other side how it can be different, if no self  was the case before and after seeing this. I understand that, but expectations are still here. Expectations are "Things will be better".  I know that is fantasy, unrealistic mind stuff, but can’t clear this up...
One more thing, I was reading about some radical and beautiful awakenings, and maybe that also have some impact to my expectations. I know on intellectual level that that is fantasy, but, but...

Well, this is about not wanting to feel unwanted feelings.
Everyone's process is unique to them and yours is perfect for you.
You know, it's ok to feel what you feel.

Yes absolutely it is that. Some resisting still going on, but what to do, it will go on until it doesn’t, it is also reality expressing itself. I think in my case that is last thing for more inspecting...

Allow resistance to be here and go or it. Feel it. Where is it in the body?
It's a protection mechanism. It's trying to protect something. Can you look and tell what needs to be protected?

It is most felt in my body, as fear. During my whole life i had lots of health problems and many times life threatening danger was felt. Yes there is nothing separate to be protected, but I feel that is own body protection mechanism ..

The fear is protecting something. Look behind it. What is there?
Don't think, just take a peek.

I saw these kind of question many times on LU posts, but these kind of conversation one to one is more direct and I see something is start moving in me, I will take some time for looking because i want to be absolutely honest with me and with you. Hope so, we stay in touch, after I respond to your question. Thanks !

It's not about intellectual analysis. Just simply look, what is behind fear.
Write what comes up.

After a while…

Good news from here. After we finished our chat I started to look, after just few seconds everything become clear. I’ve just seen what is and what isn’t - self nowhere to find. Body, thoughts, emotions, room table, carpet-- everything present, but self no. I can’t believe that this is so simple, it is like you ask me where is elephant in my room, or do I have third leg, no need for thinking, it’s obvious that those things are not present here. I don’t know what to say -after 7 years of searching, why so hard to see something so simple. Some fears still going on, also doubts but instantly reality is checked, and they lose their grip. Finally answer to your question is that behind fear is nothing, not only fear I can’t find anything behind anything else. Thoughts spinning like before, but that now looks OK. Little fear is going on that I will lose this clarity, so if you have something to add I will be grateful. Thanks for everything!

Aaaaa! Yes! Excellent. That's it- simple and obvious.
Can nothing loose anything?

Yes, you are right, who is here to lose anything ?!  I must ask one more time why, why, why is so hard to see something so obvious, why so many books and teachings and complications. I am now so, don’t know what to say, 7 years to see something so simple ???

It never occurs to look behind the curtain.

Thanks one more time for everything, I am sure now that I can share this message with honesty. If one day something doubtful pops up I feel free to contact you again. Thanks, all of you help people with something beautiful.

You are so very welcome! Croatia is ready! :)


Tuesday 19 April 2016

It's Okay to Feel

I went to Lithuania recently to visit my parents. It was great to see them again after a year and a half. I spent a week with them in my home town and shared some nice experiences.
I could see that both of them have changed since last time I saw them. My mum looked older, her face had new wrinkles, but somehow she seemed more relaxed; less suffering. Her blue eyes were shining in delight that I came to visit. My dad was keeping it up, doing his breathing exercises every day, keeping himself fit.

I noticed how differently they communicated. My dad was mostly listening and when he talked he would always throw in a silly joke. The kind of joke that is not really funny, but he enjoyed the silliness. I could frequently hear him singing some tune by himself, he appeared happy.

My mum was suffering a lot all her life. She was born in Siberia, as her mum was deported just after the war when the soviet government decided that sending people to Gulags (forced labor camps) was a great idea. She was only six years old when she and her brother came to Lithuania, alone. Her mother had to stay in exile for another few years. The little girl had a hard start in life which set her on a difficult path.

The last time I visited, she was in pain; physical and emotional. She lived in memories of the past and old hurts were still haunting her. Frequently she would remind my dad of stuff he did to her like 40 years ago. This time she shared differently. She wasn't so much into the ancient history but she was like a torrent of information about people she thought I knew and people I had never met. A few times I asked her why she was telling me this, what's the use of this information? I had no need to know who lived in the house we just passed and the what their living situation was. I could see how my mum was trying to share what she learned from others. She said people come and tell her stories, so she was just repeating those stories. Even though they were useless and boring to me, I guess she just wanted to talk and did not care much about what she was saying. After she told me yet another story about someone that was doing something, I asked her- 'mum, why are you talking about other people so much?' There was a pause. She was looking for an answer. - "Perhaps they did something hurtful to me', - she said.- 'I can see that', I said- 'but talking about them is not going to reduce that pain.'

I could then see how putting attention on someone else and their problems she found a way to distance herself from her own pain. It's like pointing at something that is wrong out there so that one would not need to look inside and feel.

In one of our conversations I had with my mum and dad, we talked about suffering. From what I've seen, suffering is feeling bad about something and wanting that feeling to go away. The problem that the human has is that they only want to feel pleasure and avoid pain, which is considered normal. But, being open to and wanting only happy, light, joyful feelings and resisting the 'negative' feelings is exactly what suffering is. "I should always be happy no matter what" - that's the idea that is responsible for the unhappiness. No state is permanent. The mood changes like the weather. Sunshine is not always there! Sometimes it's a big angry cloud with lightning and thunder, covering whole sky, with no gaps. But all clouds move, big and small, dark and fluffy, there is no glue in the sky that would stick a cloud in a permanent place. So are the feelings that arise. There is no glue. There is no hook. All feelings pass. Resisting that feeling that is already there is not going to move it. There is a way for the heavy feeling to move, but trying to get rid of it is not what we need to do in such a situation. Instead we just need to stop trying. Only by feeling that feeling fully, openly, with acceptance and okay-ness, that energy formation can change and dissolve. Any notion of resistance or feeling it in order to get rid of it, is not going to help. Well, if the feeling is here already, it wants to be felt. So what is the problem with that? It's okay to feel; nothing will happen. It's a sensation, not a permanent state.

Imagine a game of cards. There are red cards and black cards. The game can not be played only with red cards. A whole deck needs to be in the game, not just cards you prefer. So what that a black card is in the hand when you need and want the red one, the game goes on. The game is not asking you what cards you like. It gives you cards, without your consent. And that's the thrill, not knowing what comes next. Maybe it will be the lucky set of cards after a string of loosing; or maybe not. The game involves all cards, human life involves all spectrum's of feeling and emotion. And it's okay.

I had a feeling that my mum understood what I was trying to say; that sharing about someone else's pain is not going to take attention away or reduce her own. If the heart is hurting, it needs attention. It wants to heal. The wound can not be ignored. If it's time for it to be cleared and healed, it may involve those painful emotions, those sad memories and intense unwanted feelings. And, it's okay. There is no point in trying to fix the situation by resisting it.

Some feelings may not pass as quickly as the others and that's okay too. Once the idea of happy ever after drops away, so does the need to get into a better state. There can't always be summer, there is a time for winter too. Although I don't like winter, I much prefer summer, I can not make the winter go away before its time. There is no point in trying to change the natural cycle. This can only bring suffering.

There is a difference in my experience- before seeing that separate self is a concept, not an entity, I was seeking for the happiness that would stick. Now, there is okay-ness, an option -not to resist whatever feeling state is here. There is a knowing that 'this too shall pass', and all that needs to happen- happens in the right timing.

That sort of trust in life, that all is well no matter how it appears. There is no more trying to escape feelings. No more need to distance myself from feeling hurt. The idea of escaping reality no longer makes sense. I can relax into being and live life as it presents itself, with ups and downs, bliss and hurt, without chasing an idea of a happy tomorrow.