The Metaphor of Water

A Gift of Presence

Mind Movies

A closer look at the imagination and how we are constantly watching movies in the Mind Movie Theater, believing that the character on the screen is ME.

Deep Looking Testimonial

Here is a beautiful email I received after just one session of Deep Looking. Receiving such messages makes me even more inspired to do my work. I love seeing the transformation and witnessing your process of awakening to reality. Each session we go deeper and open up more. Whatever comes to be seen is welcomed and honored. I love to sit with you and share this Deep Looking tool. 

“Hi Ilona,

Thank you for the meeting yesterday, it was a very special experience, and so far the change in perception of reality is sticking and is similar to coming out of long Vipassana retreats.

Truly amazing how simply and beautifully this works, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I will try to keep this brief but from the heart of the exact experience as good as I can.

Yesterday evening after our meeting I felt very present in the body, and movements of hands and body were more coordinated than usual, and there was no feeling of having to rush anything, I moved slowly and elegantly with easy in mind and body. It seems like the before omnipresent stress sensation of always having to be somewhere else than here and now is somewhat diminished. I laid in bed before sleeping and felt the bedding and cushions wrap around me like never before, really noticing the sensations, the thoughts had less of a grip on "me" and I slept very well.

I woke up with a tiny smile this morning for the first time in a long time, and instead of my meditation routine, I decided to just be aware of sensations and try to communicate internally with anything that needed to be seen and noticed, loved and accepted.

I have been able to keep that awareness very much all day, and have had moments of butterfly feelings by just watching my daughter, and even just sitting quietly and looking at objects has at times today brought some interesting sensations that I have never noticed before.

Anger, irritability, and confusion has arisen in the belly today, has been acknowledged and loved and have disappeared again before sticking around as usual for long periods.

Everything in life seems now less urgent and has less meaning and tension around it, like the attachment to outcome is less. I went through my facebook feed and unfollowed a bunch of pages with "answers" to some of all my searching and had a feeling I really don't need that clutter anymore.

I also had feelings of more energy, and some restlessness came along with that, I sat with it and accepted that as well.

It feels like everything is the same everywhere around me, but the awareness has grown, and tension in the mind-body connections is less.. There is a growing joy in my being of feeling things and emotions more strongly, and feeling like being a part of life once again.

Tonight I will try some more Deep Looking and ask mind and heart of they are at peace, and see what answers come up - during my day today there has been more focus on raw sensations most of the day, not much inquiry about the messages the sensations bring with them.

I am trained in many modalities, healing, coaching, Chi-Kung etc etc (like most seekers probably) but I never felt the urge or interest in helping people with any of the techniques I have learned, it just seemed a little useless, like a band-aid on a big wound. I feel what I got from Deep Looking is completely different, and the only thing I would offer to anyone in the search for freedom.

I will be all ears and mentally noting how we go about with the process, and would love to learn more, and be able to guide people the way you have done with me, if that is okay with you of course?

Have a beautiful day

With heartfelt thanks and love”

Blind Spots

 A Short Story

Andrea and Danny, a married couple moved to Costa Rica three years ago. A good friend of theirs named Paul who had been friends with them for at least ten years was thinking about moving there too. He was invited to visit the couple to determine whether or not he would also move. They made an agreement that Paul would pay partial rent, and also help with the daily living while he stayed for three weeks in their apartment.

Andrea liked to have Paul around, he seemed like an honest and generous guy. He knew a lot about food. His cake was delicious. Paul cooked some vegan meals a few times and it was great to taste something new.

Danny introduced Paul to their friend and neighbor Valentina who lived in the same building, on the ground floor apartment. The four of them had some fun times together.

As it was, both Andrea and Danny had birthdays a couple of days apart and Paul kindly offered to buy them a present. He saw that they did not have a blender and while Andrea was at work, Paul and Danny went to the supermarket and bought one. When they got home and tried to start it, it did not work.

The next day, Andrea went with Paul to return the blender for a refund. He said he intended on buying another one.

Valentina had an idea to buy a birthday present too. She was using her blender every day and she thought her friends could use one. That day when Paul bought it, Valentina saw him coming home with the new blender. She thought that Paul had stolen her idea and got a blender for her friends.

The thing is, Paul did not buy another blender. He took the money back and forgot the whole birthday present idea. It seems that along with forgetting to buy another blender, he too forgot about the rent. He did some cooking and bought some food, but only once did Andrea and Danny not pay their share for the food.

While all this was happening, Paul was very confident and self-content with his own image of who he was. He took pride in how much he knew about food, what to eat and what not to eat. He watched some videos of a guy talking on YouTube--and now he was an expert! He was very attentive in teaching his friends how to eat and how to live. It seemed that he had it right.

One morning, after a week of Paul staying in the apartment, some friction happened between he and Danny. They threw some words at each other. Andrea overheard Paul say, “But, that’s not how I am. I am always paying for everything, I am a giving person,” which in his mind, was really true. He saw himself as this amazing generous friend with perhaps an idea that the couple owed him something.

That morning, he wanted to go to explore another town on his own. He got in a taxi, took all his stuff with him, and left, for good.

Danny and Andrea never heard from Paul again. Days went by. Paul showed no sign of wanting to communicate. He took a flight home without saying goodbye. The mysterious disappearance of an old friend left an uneasy feeling, there was something that felt annoying and unresolved.

A few months passed by without any word from Paul. Andrea and Danny did not know what to think. They stayed quiet too.

One morning, Andrea was awakened by a horrible itch in the foot. “Not another mosquito!” These hungry bloodsuckers are one annoying thing about living in a hot country. She was bitten in a few places and could not sleep for a while. She tried to chase the mosquitos away and finally got one, right on her arm. A splash of fresh blood, a sweet revenge. Eventually, she drifted off to sleep again and had a dream. She was facing Paul and felt she had to say something very important and honest to him.

The day started slowly and Andrea was leaving the apartment to go to work. As she was walking down the stairs she noticed blood. There were a few drops of fresh blood that led to the apartment in the middle, below theirs. She went out of the building looking for clues, but could not see anything. Then she heard Renny, Valentina’s thirteen-year-old daughter, calling her. She was in tears. Blood was dripping off her hand. Rennie was washing their blender and the glass broke. It cut her in two places, badly. Afraid and panicky, she went to the neighbor Sonya, upstairs. Her mum was out at a gym, so Sonya put a bandage on what appeared to be deep cuts that needed direct attention, and went to get Valentina. Andrea asked Rennie if there was anything she could help with and Renny said, “No.” Andrea hesitantly left for work.

When Andrea got home, during her lunch break, Danny, not knowing that Andrea already knew about the accident, began to tell his wife about Valentina messaging him about Rennie having stitches. (She hadn’t mentioned anything other than that.) Andrea then told Danny that she saw Rennie bleeding when she was headed back to work. She didn’t know that it was that bad.

Being hungry, Andrea decided to get some take away food from around the corner. On the way out, she knocked on Valentina’s door to check on Rennie. (Who now, come to find out, had 8 stitches and a scar for life on her wrist)

Surprise surprise, there he was, Paul. What a shocker. “What was he doing there?” she thought, as she saw him sitting on the sofa and smoking a cigarette with a dumbfounded look. She had no idea that he had come back after nearly three months of not hearing one word from him.

“Hello, hello there,” she said. “I had a dream about you last night and here you are.” “Here I am,” said Paul, with an obvious look of discomfort.

Apparently, Paul showed up at the door without saying anything--just a couple of minutes after Valentina got home from the gym and organized a taxi to take her daughter to a hospital. So all three of them ended up going to take care of Rennie’s hand and literally just returned home some five minutes earlier.

The blender broke and Rennie got injured and stitched. That made Andrea knock on Valentina’s door and find Paul there. Paul showed up at the door a minute before the taxi arrived. Was it a chance? Andrea asked Paul if he was going to come upstairs to visit and Paul, looking a bit lost said, “Yes, yes.” Andrea told him that they didn’t even understand what had happened, why he left like that without saying goodbye. Paul told her, ‘’Mm, eh, things happen, you know, and now we are in the same country, so we will meet and talk.” Basically having no intention to clarify.

Andrea felt awkward and strange because Paul was seeing their friend in the same building and did not even have a wish to come upstairs. It was also strange that Valentina held back from Danny about Paul coming. She was texting about the accident that Rennie had and getting stitches. Why didn’t she tell him? When Andrea asked her the next day why she did not tell them that Paul was here, Valentina said “There was no time. We only just got home and you showed up.” As if caught in an awkward situation, she was trying to make it look right.

Nothing in this situation looked right. Paul did not come up and Valentina hid behind a lie. Suddenly Andrea remembered the dream. In the dream, she was looking Paul in the eye and heard herself saying these words: “Awareness sometimes has blind spots, we do not see clearly. You have a very nice image of yourself, but you do not see that it is just an image, it is not real.”

We all walk around with our images about people and situations, colored with our judgments of right and wrong. We carry our own image as the most precious thing and those that challenge that perfect image become a threat to our identity. If someone shows us that our idea of ‘perfect me’, is not how they perceive us, it can be easier to break a friendship than to face the fact that our imagined self is fake.

An image is just that- a mind created story about, “….how awesome I am, how perfect and kind and loving I am.” But when behavior shows otherwise, we have to choose to keep the image or keep the friend that shows us that we are not as great as we imagined ourselves to be.

We all fail sometimes and that is how we grow. Failing is an opening, an opportunity to start fresh, to clear old ideas and look for more authentic and honest connections. But admitting failure requires honesty and courage. The image of perfection cannot take that blow. As long as we are choosing the mask, we are hiding behind our own story of greatness. That does not give us peace. We have to distance ourselves from people that see through that mask. Being real, honest and open is not an option to someone that builds an identity about themselves and prefers to keep an image over a real connection.

Without the image of "a perfect me", there is not so much to be proud of. To wake up to the real you need to see that all images, that you have about yourself, are not you.

From Seeking To Seeing

I was a seeker once. I was looking for something. I did not know what that was, but I had heard stories about enlightenment, awakening, constant bliss—I wanted that. I knew that where I was at the time wasn’t it. I had an urge to find out what the holy grail was that would make my life better in every way.

Somebody once asked me straight, “What are you looking for?” And I replied, “Enlightenment.” Did I find that? No, but I am not looking for it anymore. I stopped chasing ideas and found something else instead: peace. Not in a way that everything is quiet and slow, but in a way that there is much less internal narration about what is “not enough.” Everything is just fine. There is no more judgment of good versus bad, no more fight of good versus evil. There is a silence of mind that is much more delightful than fighting what is.

The seeking pattern has stopped running. The drive that was here before, trying to get/achieve/improve something, is now absent. There is openness instead, a spaciousness that allows all happenings to pass without internal friction. If I get annoyed, which I still do, it lasts only a short time and gets resolved quickly.

Seeking is a form of striving energy that wants to get somewhere. This, here and now, is not what it wants. There is something else to get so that the tension will cease. But it does not cease; it only takes small breaks. The “happy tomorrow” does not arrive; it feels like you are trapped in an unwanted time and place, a prison that has no doors. The seeking continues. New books, videos, talks, gurus—they all seem to have something desirable, yet not achievable. How to get off of the seeking merry-go-round?

There is a flip from seeking to seeing, and it is not what the mind thinks. It is not about making something external change so that I will feel more comfortable; it’s internal. The energy that feels intense wants to be felt—fully, openly, purely felt. When we look at what seeking itself is, rather than toward the direction of where our attention is going, seeking can be seen as a mechanism, a pattern, a strong energy. Observing it with conscious awareness, recognizing it, and then feeling the sensation melts it like a sun melts a cube of ice.

So, if you are looking for something, stop for a minute and feel the sensation that is driving the search. This sensation is here, and it does not matter so much why it is here, or who put ideas of “not enough” in the mind. What matters is that this sensation is recognized and fully felt. Seeking for flips to looking at. Once the energy is allowed to be fully present and embraced, the mind becomes relaxed, spacious, soft; it no longer feels the tension.

Try this exercise. Feel the sensation of “not enough.” Feel the sensation of lack. This sensation has a location in the body. Observe it. Allow it. Let it be as it is for a minute or two. Don’t think about what should be different or how much you dislike it; just feel it as it is. Be honest with your own feeling. Be curious about the sensation. Let it enfold you fully, even if it is intense. What is behind it?

Doing this a few times a day may feel like practice. But it’s worth it to remember and engage with this, because the more you become honest with the feelings that are arising—the more you look at what is—the less there is striving for something else. It’s a focus shift from seeking to seeing; all it takes is a conscious look at what is actually happening here and now. The mind can find peace, and that’s the end of the seeking pattern. Then a whole new world opens up—the one that was always here, always present, but was ignored or unnoticed, because of that constant nagging feeling of it not being enough. Thoughts stop running wild; there is more spaciousness felt. There is ease and lightness.

Seeking ends, but exploration continues. And exploration is a different kind of energy—it has a sense of wonder, curiosity, playfulness, and childish innocence. There is no more striving to get out of an unwanted situation, but rather resting in the situation that is neither wanted or unwanted but simply is.

The Competition For The Best Identity

At the meeting, they all sat in a circle. It was a competition for the best identity and who owns it.

‘Ok, I will start,’ the first man spoke. ‘I am a breather. I breathe. I am born to be a breather and I do that very skilfully. Look!’ He inhales and exhales through the nose.

Everybody applauds as the man demonstrates his skill.

‘And I am a writer. I write a lot and I published 25 books,’ The guy on the right introduces himself. ‘My books are about how to be an excellent writer. I have been a writer for 33 years. Ever since I was a kid I started to write. First, there were short stories, then novels, now it’s technical stuff about how to be the best writer. I write a lot. I live for writing.’

This guy got applause too and then the woman next to him spoke:

‘Hi everybody, I am a dancer. I dance at a cabaret and I love it.’

‘I am an eater. I eat everything my wife cooks. I can eat a lot. It’s really great that she likes cooking. She is a real cooking pro too. I live for eating and if I would not eat I would die. So I keep doing what I do the best- eat to stay alive.’ He looks proud of his big belly and he is definitely alive.

The next guy introduced himself as a listener, he did not say much, the woman next to him was a knitter and her daughter said, she was a dreamer. Apparently, her dreams were so beautiful, she could not wait every day for the night to fall asleep.

And the last man said he was a thinker. He was thinking thoughts non stop all day long. He was so proud to be a thinker, as it’s not so easy, you know, to think. It’s not like breathing, right. Either you are conscious of it or not, the breathing is still going on. It’s not so complicated, just inhale and exhale. Thinking, on the other hand, was an art, just like dancing or painting, not everyone could do it skillfully.

After the introductions, everyone sat quietly for five minutes. The dancer started to speak.

‘Being a dancer is so much fun. I hear the music and let the body move in rhythm. It’s almost like I don’t need to do anything, the body moves, the dance is spontaneous creation which has a form of its own. I am a great dancer!’ She shows some moves and everyone applauds.

‘I know what you mean,’ said the breather. It’s like this breath here is going on whether I am conscious of it or not, but hey, once I’m aware that I am breathing it’s a whole different thing. I am such a good breather. I have never missed my step. Always in and out. In and out. I am a breather all day long and at night it goes on automatic. I’m not sure how that works, but breathing is on automatic while I sleep!’

‘I think,’ said the thinker, ‘I have the most difficult task- thinking thoughts is not a joke. I have to be always aware of what thoughts I am thinking because if I am not aware if I don’t focus all my attention on thinking, thoughts are not going to come. I am a philosopher, you see, it’s hard work to be constantly thinking right thoughts. And I have no time at all to rest. This work takes all my energy and attention. I can’t let thoughts to just come by itself, like this breather dude. My work is mental! I put 99% of attention and effort on making thoughts appear. If I stop thinking just for a second, I don't even know if I exist.

Everybody applauds the thinker and agrees that to be constantly thinking is indeed a very hard work.

The listener was just sitting and listening. He did not say a word, he was so absorbed in his task. He wasn’t even blinking, just looking at people with eyes and ears wide open. It seemed like a very difficult task too but he was handling that very well.

The knitter reached out into her bag and pulled out a half knit sleeve of some blouse. It was pink and fluffy, matching a bow in her hair. She was concentrating on her work and did not see or hear anyone in the room, it seemed that the pattern was very complicated, so the knitter was totally lost in her work, which just demonstrated how true she was to being the knitter.

The eater was irritated, he could not sit still in his chair as he had nothing to eat. He just finished his sandwich that wife packed for him before the meeting started and now was waiting impatiently for the next bite. He was looking at a watch frequently, perhaps lunch time was coming soon.

And the dreamer explained how she does not need to do anything to dream. Dreams just come. No control. Miraculously dreaming is just happening. And it’s very pleasant and easy. It’s just a bit too long from waking up till the time for bed. She could not demonstrate her ability in this circle, but she assured everyone she was a good dreamer.

So who wins the competition for the best identity?

The thinker, of course!

Why? Because even though we breathe, dance, listen, write, and do other stuff, only the thinker says, I think, therefore I exist. We don’t say, I breathe therefore I exist, or I listen, or I eat. We say, I think. It appears that thinking is not going on naturally, like let’s say we hear sounds effortlessly, or see colors that simply are here. The thoughts are something that the thinker has to do, otherwise, they would not come! Or so he thinks.

What’s your identity that you have to own in order to exist? What is that you are underneath all labels?

Do you agree that thinker is The Greatest Identity worthy of winning the best identity competition? Maybe there are better ones, like doer, lover, teacher, seeker?

Write in comments!

Unfolding Contractions

Last Sunday I held a group Deep Looking event in google hangouts. It was a powerful session where we sat with sensations and invited contractions to come up and gently unfold. Here is something I wanted to share with you after the session:

Sometimes we feel stuck in an uncomfortable feeling and nothing seems to work. Or, it works temporarily until the next treatment, the next attempt to resolve something that keeps coming up again and again. What if I told you there is a hack to that, that is very simple and effective. 

Imagine you fold an origami. It was once a flat paper and now it is a 3D form, it has volume, it's like a container, a new form that holds space in. Contraction is like the origami form, it's folded in and it holds something. What we can do is unfold it and by doing that, it returns to its natural form--which is spacious formlessness.

How does this look in practice?

The contraction/ tension that is felt, is a sensation. That sensation feels like it's intense, unpleasant, unwanted and the repulsion to the sensation is called resistance. (It's actually a protection) Let's rename contraction to protection, there's a lighter feeling already and an invitation to welcome it.

Just look from this angle: Some time ago some hurt happened and there was an unconscious decision to guard yourself from something like that in the future. This is normal human behavior (avoiding the unpleasant and seeking the pleasant). It's like the mind's computer wrote a program that if 'this' happens then it must activate protection. So every time 'this' happens, there is a sensation that arises, the protection is activated and it kicks in automatically and we notice a reaction happening. By focusing on the sensations of protection we have no more access to the sensation that the protection is covering up. We also call this mechanism--fear.

The protection is felt, but what is it about?

Try this exercise:

When feeling protection, ask it- who are you? What are you? What are you protecting?
And just wait. The answer may come up or not. Notice what happens. This way you can look into a feeling of tightness and see what is behind it--what is it that needs or wants protection.

Some other questions you can ask are:

What do you want the most?
What wisdom do you have for me?
Are you helping?
Do you want to relax?

Don't try to fight protections, they are here to help. Only not all old programs are still useful, helpful or necessary. Some programs are very old and no longer needed so they can be seen and let go. When protection comes up, welcome it as it comes up to be reviewed and adjusted. Those that are still needed can stay, but those that are only creating unnecessary tension can drop. It is safe. All it takes is seeing them. By that I mean - really feeling into sensations, giving the sensations 100 percent of your attention, simply allowing them to be fully felt.

This is the unfolding. Forms of protection can dissolve and go back to rest.

Once protection is released, there is a sense of openness, spaciousness, boundlessness, no borders.

You can ask for protections to come up and then watch where they show up in the body and talk to them. Sounds unusual? Try it. Asking direct questions in a friendly way will create an allowing space for those protections to be as they are. This is surrender, letting go, the end of resisting. Try this for yourself.

If you would like to join the next online event on the 4th of February, there are still places available. You can register by email here.


Happy Unfolding!
Much love

Meeting Divine Eye to Eye

Warning! this article is controversial. Some ideas may trigger resistance, frustration, resentment and other intense emotions. In such a case, you get something to work with within. You do not have to agree with my views or choices, and I'm free to live life as it comes.

There is a kind of taboo in the awakening marketplace about using psychedelic substances. If this is something that you are attracted to, by all means, find some and explore. Of course, Shamanic medicines are not for everyone and I'm not here to say what is right for you. It is right for me, as I am a fearless space captain and I am curious about consciousness itself. I don't stick to any traditions but rather test and ride various ways.

I wrote back in September last year, about my journey to Mexico to find magic. I found magic then and received a message that this was only a beginning. The message was strong and I got back to Mexico as soon as my husband and I could do that to see what happens next.

Here we are in a beautiful Caribbean beach village, enjoying life, meeting people, sharing Ajna Light and having lots of treatments. My favorite is Sand-Sea-Sun treatment that discharges, recharges and washes away all tension. The natural technology of release.

Ever since I came to this place, it feels that I have entered some trip. By trip, I mean that there is a sense of surrender and something taking over. If you've never had a psychedelic experience, the word trip means nothing to you. Days change, but the sense of being taken by life and magic remains. The energy is very strong here. I love how the body feels, the heat and how gently the sun is received. It feels that this place is breathing and waving. If I sit on a sofa and body relaxes I can feel the waves of the ocean passing through. There is music in the ears, playing all the time, one wavy melody. It's so audible that sometimes I have to check that the player is off. The player is off, but the music still remains.

There is a sense of grace and wonder, of being led to people and events. We made friends with a couple of healers here and some magic mushrooms arrived; the trip got even trippier. These ones, called San Juan are the most amazing mushrooms I've ever had. I tasted different kinds back in the UK at the time when I could buy them in funky shops. These mushrooms are called Golden Healers and they were named correctly. The trip was very light, fun, and with eyes closed, I could see golden light, patterns and visions. That was the most beautiful, lighthearted healing experience. It felt that golden light was filling the space within. There was an expanded awareness of spaciousness, a beautiful impermanent state, a moment of melting into light. Then back to normal but somehow different, refreshed.

Our friends introduced us to someone that was organizing a Shamanic healing event and we signed up for it. This was another chance for me to taste Bufo medicine, or as locals call it Sapito.
Basically, the smoking secretion of the Bufo Alvarius toad gives a hit of pure 5-meo-dmt which creates an explosion in the system, which only happens twice in life naturally, when you are born and when you die. This natural substance is in all of us, in plants and animals, it even has a name of the God molecule. If you would like to read more about it, please do your own research, there is plenty of material now on the internet.

So here we are, going into the jungle, meeting with Shamans and going for it. We met a nice group of people, some came from far, some tried before, and a few that this was the first time. The group was multi-national, the ones that spoke English turned out to be various artists. Locals were setting up sweat lodges while we were chatting with people. A woman started singing, I noticed the Shaman coming in with his bag of tools. The energy of the place changed. I could notice little nibble of fear showing up, like- -are you sure? This is it.. am I ready?..

The shamans came from a different part of Mexico, they get the medicine from the Sonora desert toads. They did not speak English. The first part was a treatment with tobacco ash that is blown into the nose and clears whatever is stuck there. I watched a friend receive it, it did not look bad so I went for it too. It's called Rapè. (not rape) it feels like a shot of intense sensation, then I felt that the whole body became more alive and vibrating with energy, like something was opened up. A nice sensation after. Colors got brighter and it was easy to breathe. They said it cleans the pineal gland.

The sweat lodge followed next. That was an interesting experience. We sat in a very hot tent in the middle of the hot jungle! There were hot stones in the middle of a circle taken from the fire and the Shaman was pouring water over them, creating steam and more heat. He was putting something on the stones that filled the tent with a delightful smell. His woman was leading songs. The whole tent, 15 people, were sweating out toxins and singing along. It was so much sweating that I could not open my eyes, the salt was making them hurt. It was really hot! But it was part of the preparation for the journey ahead.

After the sweat lodge, the jungle heat was just lovely. Next, we all went to the lake to clean ourselves. The beautiful water felt so refreshing and soft. I could stay there for hours, but we all were called to start the ceremony.

Before I get into describing what it was like for me, I just want to say this: If you are called to do this, take it extremely seriously. This is not a joke. This is not a drug to get high. This is the most powerful medicine, it is very strong and integration after receiving it can take some time and be intense. There are a few testimonials that something went wrong. So the most important is to know what you are up for, research your Shamans and have time and environment to integrate. Best is done in a safe environment with someone that has been working with this medicine for years.

So here it was, a pipe in front of me. There was no thought, no fear, just flowing with the moment. I inhaled slowly, a thick brown smoke. At some point, I got that the pipe looks different as if pixels on a screen have mutated. I remember nodding slightly and falling backwards on the ground.

Whoa, there was a sense of direction, with little disturbances, as if I was going through waves of frequency closer and closer to .... God..... there was melting in, ceasing of turbulence... release so gentle that it felt like last hair that was held on to ripped. Then OMG WOoooooooo incredible sense of gold space of love, peace, divinity, oneness. This was IT, so-called Death, so beautiful and spacious. There was only this. There was totality, absolute, consciousness in fully opened glory. The feeling of golden love, love of God, is indescribable.. mmmmmm wooooooo!

Slowly I was coming back into awareness of the body and surroundings. The body felt like every tension had left, mind came back stunned and silent, taken away by what became known. It took a while to come out and be able to stand up.

Interestingly, I had no sense and no memory of the body or mind at all, but while consciousness was 'traveling', the body was making some movements, kriyas and making sound aaaaaaa..

I came back, looked Shamans in the eye and thanked them both. Now, I KNOW. Now, I KNOW.

The spaciousness came back with me into this realm. I can still feel it days after.

Other people had their unique journeys. One girl was crying so much after seeing the vastness of love and beauty she could never imagine. This was deeply touching. One guy was shouting that we humans can do it! And we have to do it! The change is already happening! (he does not remember that) someone else was throwing up and clearing what seemed black stuff to him, out of the system. Others laughed. Everyone that went for that experience came back changed. So did I. I had only one intention and that was to meet the creation. I got what I came for. I saw what I could never imagine.

I remember thinking why something as beautiful as this is feared, why death is perceived with grief? It's strange, at least.

One way I can describe it is that if you are living in a deep ocean, and time to time get to experience the sun in the water and you don't have a clue about the sun above the ocean. Then one day you go up and take a look... then when you get back you perceive the sun in the water differently. The sun in the water would be love that we are able to feel.

It took a few days to get back to normal. Three days rolled into one. We took more magic mushrooms to assist the energies and to finish healing. The expansion ripped through all the cells of being, the spacious feeling was still here. Even in sleep, it no longer feels dark, deep sleep feels like golden light. Mmmm

God is.

Total Peace, Love is.

Knowing this experientially is IT.

I would not call this enlightenment. It's more an experience of illumination. It came as it was called for. It can come in any package. All one needs is a pure intention to meet God. Toad medicine was a one-way ticket for me to meet the divine, eye to eye. It does not mean you need it. It only means this was the way that the experience showed up for me. If there is judgement about this, then you are missing the point, that a wrapper is more more important that the candy.


We meet divine in every moment, no need for toads or mushrooms to participate. The depth of conscious recognition is what determines our sense of connectedness with the whole and perception of reality. We have a personal, intimate relationship with what is, we are what is expressing as us, as all life. I am that which is expressing as me.

The mind can not get it because mind too is a form, an expression of existence as the mind.

When everything calms down to stillness there is an opening to being. When all vibrations and turbulence cease there is pure light and lightness. Delightful.

Love divine is nothing to do with a person, it's what is left where there is no more I, me, no other. Just a field of infinite peace.

A few days after, I still feel the spaciousness that was not here before, it feels like old patterns collapsed, like a huge clearing happened, that affected all areas of my life as an individual. There is wonder and curiosity of what happens next and an openness to whatever comes. 

Peace.

Exploring Consciousness Through Technology

Since I wrote about finding one's own path, I feel to share a little about mine.

In between the first kick to start searching for what I AM in 2002 and finding the unexpected answer in 2010, I was a seeker. I did not call myself that, I did not connect to other seekers, nor I knew that there was a whole seeking culture. My path led me to technology. I always had a love for technology, for me that is an expression of intelligence and by finding ways to enhance human experience, an opportunity to evolve in higher speeds.

Of course, it's not about speeds, but rather shortcuts. For example, first time I found out about Holosync I was super excited. Using technology brought me an opportunity to experience deep meditational states, even though I have never sat in a meditation for longer than ten minutes. Meditation interested me but not enough to set me on some path that I would involve sitting still for hours and day after day till something unknown could be achieved. That was laughable for me. I could sit still and listen to music, but not to my own thoughts. That was way too boring. And there were a lot of thoughts.

With the use of technology I got that I don't need to do anything to switch off thinking, no practice is necessary, one can just put phones on and go right into amazing meditation states. No teacher or guru was needed. The brain was entrained by different brainwaves and desired states came easy, with a touch of play button.

Hollosync was followed by all other kinds of brain entrainment, subliminal messages, healing music, tuning forks etc. My path took me to explore how different frequencies are creating different sensations in the mind and body. And yes, this has nothing to do with the search for the answer to the ultimate question, but all to do with energetic side, the wellness, healing, and exploration of what human experience has to offer.


Fast forward a good few years to 2016 I arrive in Mexico, to participate in Barnaby's retreat. To my surprise I meet people that too are into technology, but not in a hobby like fashion like me, but for real. It was incredible to meet Guy Harriman, the creator of Ajna light. After ten minutes of trying his invention I stood up and the first thought said- I want this. I will get this and will show this to many people.

This technology is so beyond anything I could play with before. As soon as we were back from Mexico, I ordered Ajna Light and I could not wait for it.

I started to use it regularly, every day, sometimes with breaks. Sometimes it felt I had to take a break, to integrate and chill, otherwise, I may get too high. The light gave me what I needed most. Just laying down under it would take me to deep states of healing, release, expansion, inner explosions of bliss. The thinking mind would simply stop thinking and awareness of Presence would be felt. Every session is different and even same settings used would give a unique experience. Sometimes I felt like having higher intensity, sometimes only one percent. It's completely adjustable and it has many settings. It's such fun to work with this light. Of course, I can not describe the experience, and anything I would say would sound just like a few words that have no connection to your experience if you have never tried it.

I usually see lots of colors, mandalas, geometrical shapes or just while light, but it's only visual part of it. The best bit is that mind stops talking. And then the secret sacred place of most high is here. Even writing about this now I get the feeling.. with regular using I feel that it's easy to drop thinking and just be aware.

The light session gives a real trip without taking anything. Light alone is enough. It also combines with music, the computer is programmed with many tracks and I can put my own preferred healing sounds. I like to use some essential oils or incense with it too to get even richer, mind blowing experience every time.

This is a fun way to explore consciousness, find answers to questions and just melt into delicious stillness. This world disappears and the inner world, the heart opens. It's nourishing, relaxing, relieving and delicious.

The best part of having the Ajna light is being able to share it. We had a healing space set up in our house back in England. Quite a few people came to check it out, to have the experience. It is always a pleasure to witness the first impression. People's eyes light up, most loose words and don't know what to say for a while. It really is an unexpected gift that can only be tasted, no description can come close. Pure instant illumination, a deep sense of connection, expanded consciousness, sense of love and being loved- these are just a few words from me.

Now we took this tool to Mexico and already gave a few sessions here. My intention is to organize retreats and use this light as treatment, individually and as a group. I'm looking for a place right now and soon will announce dates.

If you like to learn more about Ajna light there are many videos on YouTube where other people describe their experiences and Guy Harriman talks about his invention.

It's very interesting how this technology found me, without even asking and first I tried it, then I read about it. As if it's meant to be. I'm feeling grateful that there are people creating amazing tools that really work and bring huge benefits to the user. 

Another amazing piece of technology that found me is PEMF mat (pulsing electromagnetic fields), but more about it later. If you have any questions for me, please use the contact form on the right and I will write back.


Love and Light.

The Path

How do you know what path to take?

There is only one path- your own, which is perfect for you. No one else can take you there, only you.

I meet a lot of seekers through the Liberation Unleashed forum. They all are looking for something. Normally, seeking includes: reading books, following prescriptions, learning new methods, searching for wisdom, looking for answers that someone could provide. That's all good, of course, and it is part of the path. Each path is as unique as we are. There is not one way or one method that would fit all. That is the difficulty for the seeker- which way to go, who to follow, how to reach that perfect state?

There is only one path and it's purely your own. Following someone else is not going to get you to the desired 'happily ever after'. Following good advice can be useful and if taken as an inspiration, it can bring you to different ideas for sure, but nothing taken from outside has the same value such as when you know that you are following your own heart.

The Liberation Unleashed forum is a place where seekers meet 'The Gate'. Everyone that comes to LU are looking for something and it is here that we point where to look so that the seeking can end and the seeing, finding can begin. 'The Gate' is a point of recognition, that the separate self, (as we thought it was) never really was. The seeker was never there, there was only seeking, trying to understand, analyse, interpret and describe something that words can't touch.

Once 'The Gate' is crossed, once the seeing really happens experientially, once it sinks in, the life no longer feels and looks the same. And then we are back on a path. This time, it's not about finding a new method or system, but turning within and undoing all that was built upon the idea of a separate person running the show. It's all about deconstruction, releasing, surrendering, where the old belief system falls away and the new way of seeing emerges and stabilizes. This process takes some months and years, clearing. It's not something that happens instantly like many seekers hope for. There is a lot to examine, investigate, clarify. Some methods learned from teachers, indeed can be fun, useful and helpful, but you can not be a follower anymore. If you are following, that's not freedom. Freedom is finding your own path, that works for you! That may include some tips and suggestions and useful techniques, when they are needed, for a period that they are needed. But, if you are finding yourself in someone else's crowd of followers, you have been hypnotized, which can happen easily, as mind wants something to hold on to, something to feel safe.

There is only a short journey to make- from here to here. From thinking to being. From being lost in thoughts about what is not happening to stillness and awareness of what IS. This journey can seem long and twisted, but in essence we are never not here and not now, it's only a matter of focus shift. And of course, calm, peaceful mind can see this instantly, while mind that has a lot going on simply can not find. Thoughts are too intense, too many.

The path is really about finding the way to get that beautiful mind to relax so it can be aware of presence. Don't buy into techniques that want your praise and attention. Don't follow leaders that have something that you do not have. Find your own way that brings that calm and joy of being closer. The sooner you start tuning inside, the sooner you will find what works for you.

All I am saying here is that no one can do it for you, no method can do it for you, no path of someone else will take you home. Finding your own way is freedom. Freedom to be you in all the glorious uniqueness. Just like a flower that does not need to know the way or method to bloom.

Hello, Pressence

"Truth will set you free," we know these words. I've had that as a signature in the LU forum since the beginning. Only recently did I change it to "Truth recognized will set you free". And here is why: Truth can not do anything if it is not consciously recognized and lived. If one is not receptive to it, no words of truth can do anything. You can be bombarded with truth all day long and it will not touch anything in you if there is no openness and no fertile ground for it to land.

So what is this truth that has the power to set you free? It's Presence.

We are aware, we are conscious, we can feel that we know. We can be still and feel that there is this spacious sense of presence. Here now, always available to be noticed, recognized consciously. This presence has a tone, a flavor; it's rich and full of aliveness.

The problem that one may have is how to still the mind to the point of being able to rest in a thoughtless space. There are many ways to practice that, meditation being the main exercise. You can also use technology, or whatever that works for you. The mind filled with fears and anxieties, shame, guilt and regret can not be still. It keeps working on trying to resolve and explain, protect a person. The mind can not relax until it thinks that it is its job to keep everything in control and in a certain way. It can not just sit still if it thinks that it needs to perform tasks and figure a way out of problems. But the only real function of the mind is to be aware! To be aware. The end. Let this sink.

The mind is doing work that is really not its work. Creating and solving problems is tension in itself, especially when problems seem to have no solutions. The tension builds up to the point of collapse or explosion. Neither are joyful experiences. Only calm, peaceful mind can get to stillness. Only when it's no longer pressuring itself into performing tasks that are not of its responsibility can the mind let go and be still.

Stillness is found inside. This is where we go silently, secretly and preciously. This is where the outside world is no longer relevant. Nothing from outside can give us peace. Changing the world outside is not of our power. It's only inside that we can find the home. And it's always here now. It is the Presence.

There are many words to point to the same Presence. Whatever word resonates, be it Self, Love, God, Life, Source, Buddha Mind, Christ Consciousness, Tao, Zen, The Great Spirit, Divine Presence, Consciousness, Aliveness, Being... You can call it whatever you like, even make up a word, as long as you consciously know what it means. I call IT Wooo, as that how it feels when the connection is made. Find your own word that hits the bulls-eye in your experience. Then find that which The Word points to in your experience. Here now, there is a sense of something being within- a sweetness, a silent joy of Being that feels like a flow of blissful lightness through the chest. Hello, Divine Presence. This is where we rest in the silent space of truth of Being. This is what the sages and gurus and wise men and women point to. The sacred place within, that Self-love, that Spiritual Heart that resides underneath all waves of thoughts and emotions.

Hello, Presence.

We rest in that presence and listen to what is there. Simply being open to it, being receptive. Listening rather than talking. Consciously recognizing it for what it is. (again use your own word here)

Bringing focused aware attention to just being, allows the system to re-calibrate, realign, refresh, erase all that no longer serves. Then there is a deep sense of peace and a delicious, calm feeling of completeness.

There is only one Presence. We can all tune into that and make a conscious connection with it. The silence that is felt, even for a few seconds--three to four times a day is the home. We don't need to solve problems and be concerned about the future- this activity won't give you a lasting sense of peace with what is. Take time to just sit in silence, dropping all pressure from the head, releasing all wants, shoulds, desires, desire for power and security, all trying to fix or change what is apparently not working and all expectations about what this experience could be like. Be there just for the sake of being connected.

This is IT. Rest in the silent aware space. What is that? What does it have to tell you? What feeling wants to be felt? Go deeper and deeper. This is where assurance that all is well and completeness can be felt. This is how the worldly problems melt away. Fall in love with the Divine Presence and how it feels. Fall in love with Love itself. That is where the connection with the ..... (use your word) happens. And when it happens, you know! You found the golden center of Being... abide in that and that will set you free.

Inspired by The Infinite Way teaching

The End of the Old Life

I had a wonderful time at the retreat in Mexico last September and received many gifts from people I met there. Now five months later I reflect back to see what was the biggest impact of the experience. I've heard that there is a sweet after retreat time and then life goes to normal, but since this was my first retreat that I have ever been to, I have nothing to compare my experience. One thing I must say- life is not coming back to "normal".

I did not want to return to the UK, there was so much still unexplored in Mexico. We did not get to travel much in those 12 days we spent there and see what else the land had to offer. It felt like I only dipped my toes into the magical pond of wonder. I did not get to see cenotes or snorkel or taste some different Mexican foods. Upon arriving home immediately I felt I wanted to go back.

The big realization that dawned on me after the retreat was that I do not have to stay in the UK any longer. I and my husband have spent here many years, we made ourselves comfortable, met many friends, we were doing work that was creative and challenging and all was good. But for many years I was thinking where to go next. The UK was great, for time being, but the weather has always been an important factor and I was looking to change the climate, I just did not know where to go. I can't say I love the dampness and cold or the big gray cloud. Winters in England for me were times when all I wanted was to hibernate and wait for the spring to come which always was coming too late. Summers here did not give me enough sunshine and heat with all that big cloud and chemtrails in the sky. The cold and darkness sent me to soft winter blues year after year.

This year was no exception, I was so not looking forward to winter. After the retreat, it became clear that I want to live in a beautiful alive place with vivid colors and sandy beaches. I much prefer the sun and warmth. I feel that time has come to make a move, to get out of the place that served me well but is no longer where I want to be.

I am ready to move. I'm ready to leave behind the life we created, the tattoo studio which I really love, my friends here and LU community that emerged. I'm ready for new adventures in a new country and a fresh start. I feel that I arrived at the point where staying in cold and darkness no longer makes sense and to stay here would mean self-inflicted suffering.

I had such an amazing time at the retreat and I want to do more of them. It was great to share and receive healing, insights, joy and magic with a group of open-minded brave individuals. I would love to create experiences and support others on the journey of awakening and integration. So my plan is to go to back to the Carribean beach and follow my hearts calling. I am planning to do retreats in person and online and share with everyone that is ready to open up. The experience I had was so beautiful and loving that I want to create that with more people. I'm ready to drop the life I have and dive into the unknown, to serve awakening humans, trusting that this is what I'm called to do. This is the next chapter, or shall I say next book of my life.

I was so lucky to be introduced to people that are dedicated to their calling, creating and holding space for others to heal and to explore the nature of reality. I am very much inspired by Paul and Kathie Scott from Canada that dedicate their lives to serve humanity and Diana with Juan that are true healers with many tools to offer. I am also so grateful to have all this advanced technology for de-stressing the mind, heart, and body (PEMF mat and Ajna light). It has been amazing to be able to share this with quite a few people that came to retreat in January and made visits to our home. It is lovely to witness a change in the face and shine in the eyes, just after a short session. It has been tremendously beneficial to be able to use the mat and the light every day. The winter blues did not visit this year, just because of having a source of light at home. The light and mat will travel with us and will be part of the program at the retreats.
I will soon announce dates and programs of upcoming events that I will be organizing. Watch out space on this page for further details. You can also email me if you would like to find out more.

We are looking to end our stay in England very soon, there are a lot of practical things to sort out and things to let go. This is a real deconstruction of structure and patterns of living that will soon be replaced by the new.


On another note, I have got a few copies of Liberation Unleashed book and if you would like a signed copy, I would be happy to send it to you. It's only £10 plus postage. I would be very grateful to everyone that can leave an honest Amazon review after reading it. That would help a lot to spread the word about the book. 

Sending love... May your heart be light and happy!

A Gift

I had a really great time at the Liberation Unleashed Intensive Retreat. It was delighful to work with a group of people that were open and willing to look at what came up, ready to release whatever it was that no longer worked in their lives. As I sat in a chair, I invited everyone to come and sit next to me in front of audience. Everyone had a chance to share and brought a gift, something that we could all relate to. Some gifts we received! There was laughter, some tears and joy. some deep silence too. We all felt softened and connected at the end.

After the retreat I thought to share something with you, dear reader, and my sharing came through as a story. 

A Gift

Carol lived on a mountain. She was leading a quiet life, enjoying walks in the nature and occasional meetings with wild animals. In the evenings she would sit in her garden under a cherry tree watching sunsets. She would dream of places that she wanted to visit and quietly wish for her life to be different. The cherry tree was in full blossom, the air smelled delicious, fresh, promising. Carol was having tea and listening to birds singing.

Suddenly she heard something. She walked back into the house and heard that someone was at the door. That was strange, she did not expect anyone, no one was due for a visit.

Cautiously she went to the door and looked through the eyehole to see who was there. The was another loud knock. She did not recognize the figure so she asked-

-Who's there?
-You don't know me, but I brought you a gift.
-A gift? Nobody ever gives me gifts. I don't want it. Please go away.
-Don't you even want to know what the gift it is? - the man's voice sounded confused.
-Nope! I don't take gifts from strangers. Leave me alone. PLEASE!

Carol felt anxious, it was getting late and the sun was just starting to set. The man behind the door felt somehow threatening. She was frustrated and one more time asked the man to leave her alone.

Knock knock!
This time the man kicked the door, getting impatient. It was rather strange that the woman did not even open the door to talk to him in the eye. People are normally friendly around here. But Carol's door stayed shut.

Carol was looking through the eyehole in the door trying to see what gift the man had, she was a little bit curious, but also fearful, who knows what weirdo was behind the door.

-You can just leave the gift and walk away! -she shouted - I am not used to strangers here, can you please leave me alone.

The man did not move. He was here bringing gifts and this kind of rejection was surprising. He wasn't going to move until the gift was received. He took a phone out of the pocket and dialed a number. You could tell he was nervous by the twitch in his eye.

-Boss, she is not opening the door. What do I do? ... Right, you are going to send me some help? ... Thanks! Appreciated. Someone will come in an hour?... Ok then.

The man relaxed a little and sat down on the steps. He settled to wait.

Carol watched the man through a window, she was hiding behind the curtain peeking at him, still confused why would anyone bring gifts to her. All her life no one gifted her anything. She had to work hard for things she wanted. She was stubborn and she could set a goal and achieve it. But she never got anything for free. She never gave any gift to anyone either. Her life up till now had no such a concept at all. What people do was not of her concern. There were no people around here on the mountain. She was alone, self-sufficient and content with her solemn life.

This man was still outside, now sitting on her porch. Is he not going to move?

The sun was almost down and it was getting dark in the room. Carol switched the lights on and was pacing up and down the room getting more and more nervous. She went to the door again and shouted:

-You are scaring me, I don't want any gifts, leave now!
-Oh, Carol, don't worry, you will like the gift, just open the door and allow me to give it to you.
-How do you know my name?!
-I know all about you, I know that you will love this gift and that this exactly what you wanted! Don't be afraid, please.
-Now you are really freaking me out! I am telling you, I don't want gifts. I'm not interested in gifts. You can keep the gift, just leave me alone.
-Are you sure? You will really like it! - the man insisted. - All you have to do is open the door and let me give it to you. Then I will walk away. I have other deliveries to do. I can not just leave it on the steps. I have to give it to you by hand and I need you to sign that you received it.

Carol was getting panicky, she even thought about going to the kitchen and grabbing a knife, just in case this man would try to break in. She was still by the door, her heart racing fast, her breathing was getting intense, she felt the tension all over her body. But she wasn't giving in. The stubbornness was holding the front of resistance. She did not know what else to do, how to get rid of that man with his gifts. It hasn't even occurred in her mind that perhaps it's ok to accept the gift. She knew strongly that unwanted gift has to be rejected. Without a shadow of a doubt, she will hold the position and wait for the man to go away. But he was still there.

She heard someone else coming up and greeting the man. She looked through the eyehole again and saw another two figures approaching.

"Oh my god", she thought, "now what"?

Knock knock 

-Carol, would you open the door please, we are friends, don't be afraid, we brought gifts to you!
-I don't want any gifts!
-But we are not leaving without giving you gifts!
-You can keep them, go away.
-But these gifts are for you. It's what you want. Can you allow us to give you what we brought and we will leave, I promise.
- now you are starting to really annoy me!- Carol shouted.

Her face was turning red in anger. How dare those people behave like that! Nobody asked for any gifts, she certainly never wanted to receive anything from strangers. And why they know her name??

-Listen, Carol, there is nothing to be afraid of. This gift is wonderful, please open the door.
-I am not opening the door, I told you already. Why do you want to give me gifts? I never asked for anything!
-That's why they are gifts, you don't ask, but they come.- A soft voice of a woman spoke back to her.
-That sounds like a twisted Santa story! I have never accepted any gifts. How can I trust that's it is not a bomb or something that would explode and destroy my home?
-It is not a bomb! Don't be ridiculous, woman. -the first man spoke. -So are you opening the door or do we have to start breaking in?

Carol raised her eyebrows.

-Really? Are you serious? Are you going to break into my house to give me gifts? What kind of insane idea is that?!
-What kind of insane behavior is to not open the door when someone wants to give you a gift?
-I told you, people, I don't accept gifts.
-But what if it's something you always dreamed of? Aren't you curious even a little bit what we have got for you?
-No, I don't want to know! I have all I want and I don't want any gifts, the best gift would be now if you all just walked away.
-But Carol, you are saying no to something that would bring you a lot of joy.
-I don't want that!
-You must be crazy!
-I'm not crazy, you are crazy bringing gifts and not going away when I say that I don't want them!
-OK,- the man said, -let's make this simple. You open the door, you allow us to give you a gift, you see what we brought, you sign that you got it and we will walk away. Does that sound simple?

Carol stood quietly. She did not know what to say. This was really strange and unbelievable. How could this be happening? She has no one to call for help too. That's why she lived in a mountain so that she could be left alone and away from so the worldly human interactions. She hated people. They always made her feel an outsider, not like everyone else. She learned that relationships are hard and it's best not to get involved in any kind of friendships. Stubbornness was her only friend. She could always trust that stubbornness will give her results and will get her what she wanted. Now, these people at the door were making no sense! Allowing to receive gifts was something that never crossed Carol's mind. It just was nonexistent. So this situation seemed like something out of a movie to her. Not real.

-Carol! Open the door!
-No.
-Ok then, we are going to stay here till you do. You like it or not. The only way out of this situation is by opening the door. Do you hear this, Carol?
-Jesus! I said no! No no no, get that?
-Fine. Be it your way. We are staying.

Carol saw all three of them sitting down on the stairs facing away from the door.

She suddenly thought, why was she so afraid. They said it's not a bomb. Hmm, shall she trust that? But why would she trust that? These people know her name and say that they know what she wants. That is rather odd. And why are they so stubborn? Why don't they just walk away?

"Ah"- she though. -"They are stubborn like me! Interesting".

Somehow at that point, she softened. It was kind of nice to see how stubborn they were. It kind of felt like they have something in common. Something that she never had with anyone else. It was always just her that would hold on to her way no matter what. Other people were changing minds all the time, but not her! She knew what she wanted and how she wanted. She was in control. She was the one that she could trust. Changing opinion was not an option. Once she got her mind set, that was it. Unbreakable. Unmovable. Solid like a marble wall. That's how she liked it. Her way or no way.

Interestingly for Carol, these people acted like she did.

That made her curious. She looked through the eyehole again. They were still sitting, talking among themselves quietly, nodding heads in agreement. She wondered how long they will stay. She knew she will not move from her position now when a competition of who is more stubborn started in her head.

And then she saw, that winning at stubbornness is not a win at all. This situation will stay here as long as she will hold it. It was really up to her to end this ridiculous game. She had that power to open the door, allow the gift and let them go, but what to do with resistance? She had the idea that being stubborn is the only way to be. But now to get her way, to get those people leave, she had to give in and change her mind. She had to open the door to breaking her hard rules and she did not like that. "Rules are good", she thought, "they help to hold everything in control and being stubborn, never changing what was decided, was the rule number one". So for Carol, this was a tough nut to crack. She thought about walking out of the house through the back door and never coming back, that could solve it. Possibly.

She looked through the window into the dark. The three siluetes were parked in front of the house and not moving.

Carol made herself a cup of tea. She was sipping it and enjoying the delightful warm. She thought about people outside in the cold. Somehow she felt something new, her heart was becoming warm towards these strange people. 

'Is that what they call compassion?' -she wandered.

The tickle in the heart was an interesting sensation. Her heart was closed for all this time, there was a blank feeling there. There was no warmth towards other people. She liked animals and birds, but humans were something to stay away from, they felt unsafe. And now something was different, unknown. The feeling almost made her stand up, make tea and take it to those people outside. But Carol did not move. She sat on a kitchen chair, sipping from her cup, confused by what was happening. She wasn't sure if to go to bed or not. Eventually, she did.

The morning came early. Carol woke up with the first rays of the sun, she immediately went to the window to check if people were still there. And they were. Sitting in the same place, unmoved. She made herself a cup of coffee and sat quietly thinking on what to do next. She can't spend the whole day trying to get rid of them, that would be a waste of time, she thought. So how to break that barrier inside, the one that screams for holding on to the rules? How to open to allow the gift so these people can simply walk away? Something has to happen! She almost cried in desperation. She almost asked for the help of angels.

Then she stood up, her hair messy, eyes wild, knees wobbly and she found herself walking to the door and opening it. She has surprised herself by such spontaneous action.

-Hello! Do you like some coffee?- words came out of her mouth that felt like someone else was speaking. 

 
The three heads turned at her, nodding- "yes, please! That would be really nice".

Carol closed the door and went to make coffee. She felt like some kind of meltdown started, her arms moving, her mind silent, something was very unusual.

Then she surprised herself even more- she opened the door and called people inside. She welcomed strangers into her home. That was unheard of in her little bubble.

They came in. They sat quietly at the table and thanked her for the warm coffee silently nodding heads. Nobody spoke. They were waiting for Carol to take action, to open up.

Carol sat with them too. Sipping coffee silently, she looked in these people's eyes and felt the warmth. She felt connected like they were no longer strangers, but welcome guests. She knew that the only way forward now it to open up. She felt tears in her eyes and softening in her heart. She felt that by allowing these people in something shifted in her whole being. She no longer felt the need to protect herself, she actually felt a delightful sensation of melting the walls that were built around her heart. And the silence grew deeper.

She was the first to speak. She mumbled 'thank you'. Tears were running down her cheeks. Her heart was open, she did not care how she looked, what these people would think of her. She felt warmth in her heart and that was very sweet.

The first man stood up, got close to her and hugged her, while she was silently weeping. That felt good. He held her for a while letting the woman soak in the warmth of the hug, giving her time to heal. Still, without saying a word they stood there surrendering to the moment.

Then Carol laughed, she felt relieved. She realized what the gift was- the delicious softening! She no longer felt the walls that she had built so carefully around herself. She felt that being open is safe, that allowing is healing, that being flexible and curious is not scary at all. She laughed as she saw how ridiculous is to resist.

The people were laughing too, giggling in delight. So sweet that this hardcore woman could finally relax. All three of them had a shine in their eyes. Their job was done. Now they can go. Their gift was received. They bowed to Carol and walked to the door, smiling silently, they left like ghosts.

Carol was left alone, she felt that something clicked, that something deep has changed. She stood smiling, allowing life to bring her gifts. No more resistance. She felt open and raw, that was unusual but very sweet. Like a river of honey was flowing through her heart. She whispered 'thank you, thank you, thank you...'

The day has started, there was a mystery in the air and softness that was never known before. Carol felt a delicious feeling of surrendering. Who knows what happens next, but now she felt open. All gifts are welcome!


Knock knock- there was someone else at the door...

Liberation Unleashed Intensive Retreat

Here is an invitation to step into the fire of Truth. This fire will burn all that is untrue, leaving you with a pure sense of being, aliveness, raw openness to what is. 

I have held many meetings since 2012 and I really enjoyed them. Every meeting was unique, with different questions asked, with different people coming. This time I feel to do an intensive three-day retreat. It will take place at the same Friends Meeting House in Worthing. This will be my last offering in the UK. The retreat will start on Friday evening and continue till Sunday night. This retreat is going to be focused on self-realization and clearing all the blockages that may stand in the way of recognition.

Awakening is a two-fold process of recognizing that you are not a what you think you are and realizing that life process does not stop, that there is aliveness, being, an openness that is always here, now, no matter how it seems. This process does not take you away from humanness, but rather brings awakening into everyday ordinary life. Integration of awakening is an ongoing process.

This meeting will be a lot of work and it will require your readiness and willingness to be fearless and open up, to be vulnerable, to be seen, to explore what hasn’t been explored yet. You can expect to release and let go of old patterns that no longer serve. You can expect to learn how to integrate experiences of retreat into your daily life. You will learn how to deal with emotions that are hard to deal with not by reading about it but from your own experience.

I will be guiding those that come to realize the non-separateness, the absence of I that apparently runs the show called “Individual”. I will be using Deep Looking method to undo the knots and release trapped energies, that seem persistent and in a way of peace. The group work is very powerful as we all hold safe and loving space for each other as we dive deeper into unknown. You may expect tears and laughter, release and relief that come with seeing through mind created illusions.

There will be enough time for everyone to ‘sit in a chair’ and meet your deepest issues. We will work together and face all that comes up with loving kindness. Coming together in retreat creates a powerful collective field of presence which ignites and supports each participant's awakening process. Deep surrender becomes possible in an environment of trust and honest desire for that which is true.

I will also bring my Ajna Light machine to the retreat. We will have two group sessions and you will have a chance to have individual sessions with no one disturbing you in a separate room. Ajna Light is very powerful tool for personal exploration of consciousness. It is a remarkable invention by Guy Harriman. You can read more about it here. There is a lovely interview with Guy here where he talks about how the machine was created and what it is for. Please watch the video to get to know a little about it. The Ajna Light experience will give you instant relaxation; it will detox and rejuvenate the mind, as it works directly on the pineal gland. The most common description of the experience is “WOW, I did not expect that!” This Light will heal what is ready to be healed and will boost positivity, joy of life; it will calm the mind of excessive thinking and will give you a sense of harmony and balance.


If you feel the call to come to the retreat, please register by sending me an email (markedeternal@gmail.com) to secure your place. You can pay by PayPal or by cash on the door. You may attend any or all of the day sessions. (Although you are highly encouraged to attend as many sessions as you can; there is something beautiful that happens when we give ourselves the time and space to deeply relax into the intimacy of a gathering.)

Program

Friday 20th of January 6pm to 8:30pm Introductory session.

Here we will meet as a group, everyone will be invited to share a little about their journey. We will gently easing into the work.

£15 on the door.

Saturday 21st January 10:30 to 8:30 whole day event.

10:30am Morning session with Ilona
1:00pm Lunch break. Individual Ajna Light sessions

3:00pm Afternoon session

5:00pm Break for snacks and refreshments, light sessions
6:00pm Evening session
8:00 Ajna Light group session

Saturday day alone £50 on the door

Sunday 22nd of January 1:00- 8:00 Whole day event

1:00pm Afternoon session 

3:30pm Break, free time. Individual Ajna Light sessions
5:00pm Evening Session
7:00pm Ajna Light Groups session

Sunday day alone £45 on the door
All three days £100

Every participant can have one individual Light session of 20 min on Saturday-Sunday.

There is a kitchen in the building where we can make tea, use a microwave, fridge, have snacks. You can bring your own lunch if you like. There will be tea provided. There is Tesco, Costa coffee, The Lazy Brunch Kitchen cafe and a really nice Thai restaurant only five minutes away from the venue. There is a quiet beach around 20 min walk. 

If you are coming from far away and need room to stay Airbnb is a perfect option, with the rooms starting from £25 a night. Please be aware that Worthing is deceivably large, so book your place closer to the venue. Friends Meeting House is located at 

34 Mill Road, Worthing, BN11 5DR

The nearest train station is West Worthing.

The room is warm, with comfortable chairs and cushions.

hope to see YOU there!
There are a few more places left, but the retreat is getting booked up pretty fast.

Fear of Losing Control

One of deepest patterns that run in this human software is the pattern of imagined control. And losing control is one of deepest fears that ego has. By ego I mean the assumed I-entity that supposedly owns a piece of life and is in charge of running it, like a general manager of this body-mind thing.

Fear of loosing control stems from assuming that there is a controller. The mind thinks that it is its job to be in charge of what happens. It thinks that by doing this job of micromanaging what happens in the future it is useful and without its work the system would collapse. The idea of loosing control is as scary as the idea of death. But what is that mind is in control of?

In experience, perception is happening with and without belief in a separate entity. Beliefs do not matter, vision, sound, sensations are happening on their own and are not subject to being switched on or off. The imagined control over what is happening is given by default as everybody are trained to believe that. It starts when we are children and test our boundaries. We are trained to behave and trained to train ourselves to behave. We are following norms and established patterns without questioning if that is really helpful. Conformity is accepted, rebelliousness is something that irritates.

We are trained to look at others and express opinions about them. And opinions are valued like something individual and precious. Then we view the world around us through this righteous lens, of right and wrong. And we try to change and help others where they don't fall into our fixated way of how things should be.

This is the pattern that runs deep and is evident in any argument that takes place.

"Loosing control is scary, because what will happen to me if I no longer feel in charge of how my life goes."

But what does that really mean? It means stiffness, tightness, narrow-mindedness, hardness and suffering. Because life does not need us to tell what it is best for us. Life provides us with lessons, it is The Teacher, that comes in the form of whatever people we meet and situations we get into. The egoistic mind focused on being in charge is thinking that it knows best, it is right and all those that are wrong should accept the opinion and the righteousness and conform as they should.

Now this pattern is really not helpful. It is the very tension that we are trying to get rid of. We hold a belief that someone else needs to fix their behaviour for us to be at peace. So if you think that you are awake but keep pointing fingers at others and blaming them for how they make you feel- that's a kindergarten level of relating. Being adult means owning your reactions and seeing them first. Then looking at what is behind those reactions and understanding where they come from.

To be at peace requires surrender. Peace is already here underneath all opinion-stories, underneath the desire to be in charge and in control. It is noticing that we are the flow. Bruce Lee told us- be like water. That says, stop fighting what is, release the idea of a controller, soften, be flexible and nothing will touch you. Let life live as you without resistance.

We can observe patterns. We can ask questions like - is this helpful pattern, is it useful, does it serve or is it creating tension? Is it ok to let this pattern go? What can be lost?

When we focus attention on what is wrong with others or situations, we miss the gift that life is presenting to us. It only takes a shift of attention from others to our own reactions. Reactions that are happening, including body sensations, emotions and thoughts are what we are here to notice. Then we take attention from what we think is wrong and give it to our own sensations that are triggered by outside. This is the shift from outside to inside and this is where real work is- noticing our own patterns. And when patterns are seen they get to change. With and without belief in a controller.

I use this example often of being on a rollercoaster ride, sitting in the first car and holding on to a wheel. No matter where you turn the wheel, the ride is already set and the car will follow rails. It is safe to take hands off the wheel and enjoy the ride without imagining that you are the driver.
The driver is imagined, there is nothing to loose. The fear of losing something that was never ours is irrational. But there is something to gain when we step out of the role of the general manager and surrender to life. There is a joy of exploration and freedom, there are mystery, magic and synchronicity, there are openness and trusting life.

And only love remains where used to be fear.

Be like water...