Saturday, 20 May 2017

Meeting Divine Eye to Eye

Warning! this article is controversial. Some ideas may trigger resistance, frustration, resentment and other intense emotions. In such a case, you get something to work with within. You do not have to agree with my views or choices, and I'm free to live life as it comes.

There is a kind of taboo in the awakening marketplace about using psychedelic substances. If this is something that you are attracted to, by all means, find some and explore. Of course, Shamanic medicines are not for everyone and I'm not here to say what is right for you. It is right for me, as I am a fearless space captain and I am curious about consciousness itself. I don't stick to any traditions but rather test and ride various ways.

I wrote back in September last year, about my journey to Mexico to find magic. I found magic then and received a message that this was only a beginning. The message was strong and I got back to Mexico as soon as my husband and I could do that to see what happens next.

Here we are in a beautiful Caribbean beach village, enjoying life, meeting people, sharing Ajna Light and having lots of treatments. My favorite is Sand-Sea-Sun treatment that discharges, recharges and washes away all tension. The natural technology of release.

Ever since I came to this place, it feels that I have entered some trip. By trip, I mean that there is a sense of surrender and something taking over. If you've never had a psychedelic experience, the word trip means nothing to you. Days change, but the sense of being taken by life and magic remains. The energy is very strong here. I love how the body feels, the heat and how gently the sun is received. It feels that this place is breathing and waving. If I sit on a sofa and body relaxes I can feel the waves of the ocean passing through. There is music in the ears, playing all the time, one wavy melody. It's so audible that sometimes I have to check that the player is off. The player is off, but the music still remains.

There is a sense of grace and wonder, of being led to people and events. We made friends with a couple of healers here and some magic mushrooms arrived; the trip got even trippier. These ones, called San Juan are the most amazing mushrooms I've ever had. I tasted different kinds back in the UK at the time when I could buy them in funky shops. These mushrooms are called Golden Healers and they were named correctly. The trip was very light, fun, and with eyes closed, I could see golden light, patterns and visions. That was the most beautiful, lighthearted healing experience. It felt that golden light was filling the space within. There was an expanded awareness of spaciousness, a beautiful impermanent state, a moment of melting into light. Then back to normal but somehow different, refreshed.

Our friends introduced us to someone that was organizing a Shamanic healing event and we signed up for it. This was another chance for me to taste Bufo medicine, or as locals call it Sapito.
Basically, the smoking secretion of the Bufo Alvarius toad gives a hit of pure 5-meo-dmt which creates an explosion in the system, which only happens twice in life naturally, when you are born and when you die. This natural substance is in all of us, in plants and animals, it even has a name of the God molecule. If you would like to read more about it, please do your own research, there is plenty of material now on the internet.

So here we are, going into the jungle, meeting with Shamans and going for it. We met a nice group of people, some came from far, some tried before, and a few that this was the first time. The group was multi-national, the ones that spoke English turned out to be various artists. Locals were setting up sweat lodges while we were chatting with people. A woman started singing, I noticed the Shaman coming in with his bag of tools. The energy of the place changed. I could notice little nibble of fear showing up, like- -are you sure? This is it.. am I ready?..

The shamans came from a different part of Mexico, they get the medicine from the Sonora desert toads. They did not speak English. The first part was a treatment with tobacco ash that is blown into the nose and clears whatever is stuck there. I watched a friend receive it, it did not look bad so I went for it too. It's called Rapè. (not rape) it feels like a shot of intense sensation, then I felt that the whole body became more alive and vibrating with energy, like something was opened up. A nice sensation after. Colors got brighter and it was easy to breathe. They said it cleans the pineal gland.

The sweat lodge followed next. That was an interesting experience. We sat in a very hot tent in the middle of the hot jungle! There were hot stones in the middle of a circle taken from the fire and the Shaman was pouring water over them, creating steam and more heat. He was putting something on the stones that filled the tent with a delightful smell. His woman was leading songs. The whole tent, 15 people, were sweating out toxins and singing along. It was so much sweating that I could not open my eyes, the salt was making them hurt. It was really hot! But it was part of the preparation for the journey ahead.

After the sweat lodge, the jungle heat was just lovely. Next, we all went to the lake to clean ourselves. The beautiful water felt so refreshing and soft. I could stay there for hours, but we all were called to start the ceremony.

Before I get into describing what it was like for me, I just want to say this: If you are called to do this, take it extremely seriously. This is not a joke. This is not a drug to get high. This is the most powerful medicine, it is very strong and integration after receiving it can take some time and be intense. There are a few testimonials that something went wrong. So the most important is to know what you are up for, research your Shamans and have time and environment to integrate. Best is done in a safe environment with someone that has been working with this medicine for years.

So here it was, a pipe in front of me. There was no thought, no fear, just flowing with the moment. I inhaled slowly, a thick brown smoke. At some point, I got that the pipe looks different as if pixels on a screen have mutated. I remember nodding slightly and falling backwards on the ground.

Whoa, there was a sense of direction, with little disturbances, as if I was going through waves of frequency closer and closer to .... God..... there was melting in, ceasing of turbulence... release so gentle that it felt like last hair that was held on to ripped. Then OMG WOoooooooo incredible sense of gold space of love, peace, divinity, oneness. This was IT, so-called Death, so beautiful and spacious. There was only this. There was totality, absolute, consciousness in fully opened glory. The feeling of golden love, love of God, is indescribable.. mmmmmm wooooooo!

Slowly I was coming back into awareness of the body and surroundings. The body felt like every tension had left, mind came back stunned and silent, taken away by what became known. It took a while to come out and be able to stand up.

Interestingly, I had no sense and no memory of the body or mind at all, but while consciousness was 'traveling', the body was making some movements, kriyas and making sound aaaaaaa..

I came back, looked Shamans in the eye and thanked them both. Now, I KNOW. Now, I KNOW.

The spaciousness came back with me into this realm. I can still feel it days after.

Other people had their unique journeys. One girl was crying so much after seeing the vastness of love and beauty she could never imagine. This was deeply touching. One guy was shouting that we humans can do it! And we have to do it! The change is already happening! (he does not remember that) someone else was throwing up and clearing what seemed black stuff to him, out of the system. Others laughed. Everyone that went for that experience came back changed. So did I. I had only one intention and that was to meet the creation. I got what I came for. I saw what I could never imagine.

I remember thinking why something as beautiful as this is feared, why death is perceived with grief? It's strange, at least.

One way I can describe it is that if you are living in a deep ocean, and time to time get to experience the sun in the water and you don't have a clue about the sun above the ocean. Then one day you go up and take a look... then when you get back you perceive the sun in the water differently. The sun in the water would be love that we are able to feel.

It took a few days to get back to normal. Three days rolled into one. We took more magic mushrooms to assist the energies and to finish healing. The expansion ripped through all the cells of being, the spacious feeling was still here. Even in sleep, it no longer feels dark, deep sleep feels like golden light. Mmmm

God is.

Total Peace, Love is.

Knowing this experientially is IT.

I would not call this enlightenment. It's more an experience of illumination. It came as it was called for. It can come in any package. All one needs is a pure intention to meet God. Toad medicine was a one-way ticket for me to meet the divine, eye to eye. It does not mean you need it. It only means this was the way that the experience showed up for me. If there is judgement about this, then you are missing the point, that a wrapper is more more important that the candy.

We meet divine in every moment, no need for toads or mushrooms to participate. The depth of conscious recognition is what determines our sense of connectedness with the whole and perception of reality. We have a personal, intimate relationship with what is, we are what is expressing as us, as all life. I am that which is expressing as me.

The mind can not get it because mind too is a form, an expression of existence as the mind.

When everything calms down to stillness there is an opening to being. When all vibrations and turbulence cease there is pure light and lightness. Delightful.

Love divine is nothing to do with a person, it's what is left where there is no more I, me, no other. Just a field of infinite peace.

A few days after, I still feel the spaciousness that was not here before, it feels like old patterns collapsed, like a huge clearing happened, that affected all areas of my life as an individual. There is wonder and curiosity of what happens next and an openness to whatever comes. 



  1. what a beautiful report ... thank you .. here is a lot of joy, that you "got it" ... LOVE, Wolfgang

  2. thank you so much for telling us ..... wonderful.

  3. You describe it beautifully. Sleep lit up by the clear light nature of Mind. Love being rays of light piercing delusion and emanating rays of truth. Emptiness is not some nihilistic void where nothing exists, it is a spacious sky lit up by sunlight, light of love-wisdom which renders all transparent to it, melting and dissolving boundaries and distinctions.... like turning up the contrast and saturation on photo editing software. Then the string breaks and the kite flies away into the sky, and nobody is in control.

    These sacred sacramental entheogens used to be my religion. It was the mushrooms in particular which taught me Dzogchen. Lol!

  4. Ilona, this was so delightful to read. Thank you so much for sharing. I feel the open space in you. Wonderful. Also you are not pushing it to others, which is great. I myself seem to be not ready for that, for whatever reasons, but maybe in the future. There is so much longing here but no courage. Love, Renate

  5. Hi Ilona, i am happy that you are well! Perhaps its a good idea to ask the Divine what is its will- if it wants you to take drugs to meet it. I believe magic happens if we do what the divine wants.

  6. I don't need, nor I take drugs. Please don't name medicines 'drugs', these medicines not only give you a profound experience, but heal on deepest levels. Unlike some pharmaceuticals or narcotics. It is ignorant to call these substances same name as heroin. Please do some research before you stick labels on things that you do not know about. I'm not suggesting you need them, but keep the mind open and don't buy into programs that tell you how bad it is to take them.

    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    2. Hi Ilona, thanks for your reply!
      Sorry, i just met so many people who got really harmed by taking drugs and just dont want that this might happen to you also. Its true- i dont know anything about plant medicine, just met some people who said to have benefited from Ayahuasca (they seemed to be not harmed by it).
      What i do know about is the benefit and power prayer has, thatswhy i recommended it, since i have the feeling you also know about it.
      I also dont know any tradition or teacher that says one can reach enlightenment or union with the divine by eating plants, since experiences can only distract you from looking for the experiencer. To want some experiences to the exclusion of others is exactly what makes a union with everything impossible to occur.
      What the traditions say is that if the experiencer/no self/true self is realized, everything is experienced as being divine or perfect- not some experiences more than others.

    3. Well, if you are no longer looking for the experiencer, if you know that there is none, the expansion through toad medicine is not walled by ideas about a me. It's not about seeking a better experience, but seeing everything as divine, including plant medicine.
      Prayer is a silent communion with the divine, no words, no needs, no wants, no personal expression, but resting deeply in the silent expanded limitless love. That state is what I really got to taste on bufo. Way deeper and more profound than it could ever be experienced before. And it remains. I don't need to take anything too access this place naturally now.

    4. I dont want to argue with you- its difficult to put this in words- but as long as you compare some experiences as deeper and more profound than others, there is definitly an experiencer needed to be able to do that- to experience a continuum of experiences. And a mind which judges these experiences and creates opinions like „there is an experiencer“ or „there is no experiencer“.
      Only if the mind is silent or we at least dont follow its constant distortions and fragmentations, reality can be experienced and the desire for a different experience comes to an end.
      Its easy to experience this for a moment, to make it a constant realization requires a whole neurophysiological transformation, to which there is no shortcut- your body needs time to change.
      Its difficult to admit (especially if one was like me searching his whole life for the best practice and teaching) that there is nothing more to do than to be with what is happening in this very moment.
      This is of course just my present opinion/experience, everybody can have another...
      I hope, you dont think that you are now a fully enlightened Buddha on the 12th. Bhumi, like some of your fellow guides at LU?

    5. Hi Stefan,
      I appreaciate your post.
      You write " that there is nothing more to do than to be with what is happening in this very moment. "

      Imho there is not even this "to be" that you have to do... being is not a doing. Not compatible. Sorry for pedantry.
      In a certain sense there nothing to do nor to be. No need to "let it be".
      There is only appearing, emerging... but this is not "being".
      To be is not to appear. And in this dream you (as me and everybody) cannot be, just appear, just pretend to be, pretend to eat magic mushrooms and meet God, just pretend to write in this blog.


    6. To say there is an experiencer is both correct and incorrect, to say there is no experiencer is both correct and incorrect - the Truth (which is also a concept) is that both are true - yet neither lol.

      The mind that has discovered it is the All and simultaneously the nothing falls silent. There is no fully enlightened Buddha and there is - simply because the No-Thing is both the Buddha and not the Buddha - it is experience and absence of experience, it is at once the dark and the light.

      There comes a point when dark is seen but not thought of as dark, it just is; and the same goes for light. They just is. This is the middle way of Buddhism or the Tao of Middle Oneness.

      If a person consumes medicine and experiences the love of All - this is the All experiencing Itself as Love - if a person does not consume medicine and thinks the world is bad - this is the All experiencing Itself as a world of badness.

      So, it is okay to point to some experiences as being more profound than others because they are simply both the "appearance" of the One, so both are correct, without a sense of their being rightness.

      So, now I have a beer and mellow out ;)

  7. Wonderful article.A treat reading it.I am looking forward to an opportunity to experience toad smoke,mushrooms and other things mentioned in the article.But I must mention my specific condition at this moment.If I had read this or a similar article five years ago by a writer as trustworthy as Ilona, I would have been desperate for finding the medicines.At my present condition,however,I would just like to have the experieces.There is no that fire now which was before gating and the later deep looking sessions with Ilona,Nona parry and a number of other LU friends.At NOW I am clearly in ease with where ever I am.Hiccups are still there and I am trying to look at them and see through them.Strangely enough I have lost my once very great appetite to see or know God or truth or reality.I am at peace with whatever is happening.I do not know what this is. Is it a good or bad state.Am I progressing or regressing.

  8. Thank you for sharing :)

    I know very well the feelings and the "magic effects" of these sacred plants. Is obvious why governments prohibit them. You get back to live, u'r dangerous because politics needs zombies.

    Anyway i now acknowledge that even these wonderful elements are just a door to new experiences, they are not what they seem to our senses.
    In my view they are useful tools (esplecially healing-tools), but they not a meeting-point with the Divine or God. What we label Divine-God is just another experience, simply more intense/profound/powerful, but nothing else. We have pay attention when we use these words.
    This is a common bias (Misticism). My hint is to give little meaning to all kind of "events".
    Ayahuasca help you to "see" better that you are in a Dream. In this dream God (i.e any kind of spectacular manifestations) is the king of delusions. Remember is just an illusion, even if "you" feel "Oneness, Spaciousness, Love, Bliss"....
    Just labels that keep strong the identification not with the "I" but with the dreaming (pleasant dreams, but still dreams). Suble-difference but huge...
    Please, don't fool yourself or other peolple pointing to these "positive" optical-illusions as resolutive. Point further, alwas beyond the seeing/tasting/hearing.
    thanks again, enjoy your trip in this planet ;)

  9. How do you define god ? I suppose if you define god as bliss then that's god. But if god is All omniscient, omnipotent etc., then god can be everything that isn't golden bliss too. In that case you didn't find god but you found a blissful aspect of god, to go along with all the other aspects. The cold logical definition of the dictionary is somewhat at odds with human ecstatic experience.
    But on a human level ecstasy is a healing thing, so good luck with it!
    Also, regarding DMT production in humans, there's a lot of hippy nonsense going around. It's fun, who doesn't like a good old bit of mumbo jumbo to lighten the day, but like a lot of hippy nonsense it might get troublesome one day if it's taken seriously, so I offer a fact check
    Lecture over. Ta.