Meeting Divine Eye to Eye

Warning! this article is controversial. Some ideas may trigger resistance, frustration, resentment and other intense emotions. In such a case, you get something to work with within. You do not have to agree with my views or choices, and I'm free to live life as it comes.

There is a kind of taboo in the awakening marketplace about using psychedelic substances. If this is something that you are attracted to, by all means, find some and explore. Of course, Shamanic medicines are not for everyone and I'm not here to say what is right for you. It is right for me, as I am a fearless space captain and I am curious about consciousness itself. I don't stick to any traditions but rather test and ride various ways.

I wrote back in September last year, about my journey to Mexico to find magic. I found magic then and received a message that this was only a beginning. The message was strong and I got back to Mexico as soon as my husband and I could do that to see what happens next.

Here we are in a beautiful Caribbean beach village, enjoying life, meeting people, sharing Ajna Light and having lots of treatments. My favorite is Sand-Sea-Sun treatment that discharges, recharges and washes away all tension. The natural technology of release.

Ever since I came to this place, it feels that I have entered some trip. By trip, I mean that there is a sense of surrender and something taking over. If you've never had a psychedelic experience, the word trip means nothing to you. Days change, but the sense of being taken by life and magic remains. The energy is very strong here. I love how the body feels, the heat and how gently the sun is received. It feels that this place is breathing and waving. If I sit on a sofa and body relaxes I can feel the waves of the ocean passing through. There is music in the ears, playing all the time, one wavy melody. It's so audible that sometimes I have to check that the player is off. The player is off, but the music still remains.

There is a sense of grace and wonder, of being led to people and events. We made friends with a couple of healers here and some magic mushrooms arrived; the trip got even trippier. These ones, called San Juan are the most amazing mushrooms I've ever had. I tasted different kinds back in the UK at the time when I could buy them in funky shops. These mushrooms are called Golden Healers and they were named correctly. The trip was very light, fun, and with eyes closed, I could see golden light, patterns and visions. That was the most beautiful, lighthearted healing experience. It felt that golden light was filling the space within. There was an expanded awareness of spaciousness, a beautiful impermanent state, a moment of melting into light. Then back to normal but somehow different, refreshed.

Our friends introduced us to someone that was organizing a Shamanic healing event and we signed up for it. This was another chance for me to taste Bufo medicine, or as locals call it Sapito.
Basically, the smoking secretion of the Bufo Alvarius toad gives a hit of pure 5-meo-dmt which creates an explosion in the system, which only happens twice in life naturally, when you are born and when you die. This natural substance is in all of us, in plants and animals, it even has a name of the God molecule. If you would like to read more about it, please do your own research, there is plenty of material now on the internet.

So here we are, going into the jungle, meeting with Shamans and going for it. We met a nice group of people, some came from far, some tried before, and a few that this was the first time. The group was multi-national, the ones that spoke English turned out to be various artists. Locals were setting up sweat lodges while we were chatting with people. A woman started singing, I noticed the Shaman coming in with his bag of tools. The energy of the place changed. I could notice little nibble of fear showing up, like- -are you sure? This is it.. am I ready?..

The shamans came from a different part of Mexico, they get the medicine from the Sonora desert toads. They did not speak English. The first part was a treatment with tobacco ash that is blown into the nose and clears whatever is stuck there. I watched a friend receive it, it did not look bad so I went for it too. It's called Rapè. (not rape) it feels like a shot of intense sensation, then I felt that the whole body became more alive and vibrating with energy, like something was opened up. A nice sensation after. Colors got brighter and it was easy to breathe. They said it cleans the pineal gland.

The sweat lodge followed next. That was an interesting experience. We sat in a very hot tent in the middle of the hot jungle! There were hot stones in the middle of a circle taken from the fire and the Shaman was pouring water over them, creating steam and more heat. He was putting something on the stones that filled the tent with a delightful smell. His woman was leading songs. The whole tent, 15 people, were sweating out toxins and singing along. It was so much sweating that I could not open my eyes, the salt was making them hurt. It was really hot! But it was part of the preparation for the journey ahead.

After the sweat lodge, the jungle heat was just lovely. Next, we all went to the lake to clean ourselves. The beautiful water felt so refreshing and soft. I could stay there for hours, but we all were called to start the ceremony.

Before I get into describing what it was like for me, I just want to say this: If you are called to do this, take it extremely seriously. This is not a joke. This is not a drug to get high. This is the most powerful medicine, it is very strong and integration after receiving it can take some time and be intense. There are a few testimonials that something went wrong. So the most important is to know what you are up for, research your Shamans and have time and environment to integrate. Best is done in a safe environment with someone that has been working with this medicine for years.

So here it was, a pipe in front of me. There was no thought, no fear, just flowing with the moment. I inhaled slowly, a thick brown smoke. At some point, I got that the pipe looks different as if pixels on a screen have mutated. I remember nodding slightly and falling backwards on the ground.

Whoa, there was a sense of direction, with little disturbances, as if I was going through waves of frequency closer and closer to .... God..... there was melting in, ceasing of turbulence... release so gentle that it felt like last hair that was held on to ripped. Then OMG WOoooooooo incredible sense of gold space of love, peace, divinity, oneness. This was IT, so-called Death, so beautiful and spacious. There was only this. There was totality, absolute, consciousness in fully opened glory. The feeling of golden love, love of God, is indescribable.. mmmmmm wooooooo!

Slowly I was coming back into awareness of the body and surroundings. The body felt like every tension had left, mind came back stunned and silent, taken away by what became known. It took a while to come out and be able to stand up.

Interestingly, I had no sense and no memory of the body or mind at all, but while consciousness was 'traveling', the body was making some movements, kriyas and making sound aaaaaaa..

I came back, looked Shamans in the eye and thanked them both. Now, I KNOW. Now, I KNOW.

The spaciousness came back with me into this realm. I can still feel it days after.

Other people had their unique journeys. One girl was crying so much after seeing the vastness of love and beauty she could never imagine. This was deeply touching. One guy was shouting that we humans can do it! And we have to do it! The change is already happening! (he does not remember that) someone else was throwing up and clearing what seemed black stuff to him, out of the system. Others laughed. Everyone that went for that experience came back changed. So did I. I had only one intention and that was to meet the creation. I got what I came for. I saw what I could never imagine.

I remember thinking why something as beautiful as this is feared, why death is perceived with grief? It's strange, at least.

One way I can describe it is that if you are living in a deep ocean, and time to time get to experience the sun in the water and you don't have a clue about the sun above the ocean. Then one day you go up and take a look... then when you get back you perceive the sun in the water differently. The sun in the water would be love that we are able to feel.

It took a few days to get back to normal. Three days rolled into one. We took more magic mushrooms to assist the energies and to finish healing. The expansion ripped through all the cells of being, the spacious feeling was still here. Even in sleep, it no longer feels dark, deep sleep feels like golden light. Mmmm

God is.

Total Peace, Love is.

Knowing this experientially is IT.

I would not call this enlightenment. It's more an experience of illumination. It came as it was called for. It can come in any package. All one needs is a pure intention to meet God. Toad medicine was a one-way ticket for me to meet the divine, eye to eye. It does not mean you need it. It only means this was the way that the experience showed up for me. If there is judgement about this, then you are missing the point, that a wrapper is more more important that the candy.


We meet divine in every moment, no need for toads or mushrooms to participate. The depth of conscious recognition is what determines our sense of connectedness with the whole and perception of reality. We have a personal, intimate relationship with what is, we are what is expressing as us, as all life. I am that which is expressing as me.

The mind can not get it because mind too is a form, an expression of existence as the mind.

When everything calms down to stillness there is an opening to being. When all vibrations and turbulence cease there is pure light and lightness. Delightful.

Love divine is nothing to do with a person, it's what is left where there is no more I, me, no other. Just a field of infinite peace.

A few days after, I still feel the spaciousness that was not here before, it feels like old patterns collapsed, like a huge clearing happened, that affected all areas of my life as an individual. There is wonder and curiosity of what happens next and an openness to whatever comes. 

Peace.

The Path

How do you know what path to take?

There is only one path- your own, which is perfect for you. No one else can take you there, only you.

I meet a lot of seekers through the Liberation Unleashed forum. They all are looking for something. Normally, seeking includes: reading books, following prescriptions, learning new methods, searching for wisdom, looking for answers that someone could provide. That's all good, of course, and it is part of the path. Each path is as unique as we are. There is not one way or one method that would fit all. That is the difficulty for the seeker- which way to go, who to follow, how to reach that perfect state?

There is only one path and it's purely your own. Following someone else is not going to get you to the desired 'happily ever after'. Following good advice can be useful and if taken as an inspiration, it can bring you to different ideas for sure, but nothing taken from outside has the same value such as when you know that you are following your own heart.

The Liberation Unleashed forum is a place where seekers meet 'The Gate'. Everyone that comes to LU are looking for something and it is here that we point where to look so that the seeking can end and the seeing, finding can begin. 'The Gate' is a point of recognition, that the separate self, (as we thought it was) never really was. The seeker was never there, there was only seeking, trying to understand, analyse, interpret and describe something that words can't touch.

Once 'The Gate' is crossed, once the seeing really happens experientially, once it sinks in, the life no longer feels and looks the same. And then we are back on a path. This time, it's not about finding a new method or system, but turning within and undoing all that was built upon the idea of a separate person running the show. It's all about deconstruction, releasing, surrendering, where the old belief system falls away and the new way of seeing emerges and stabilizes. This process takes some months and years, clearing. It's not something that happens instantly like many seekers hope for. There is a lot to examine, investigate, clarify. Some methods learned from teachers, indeed can be fun, useful and helpful, but you can not be a follower anymore. If you are following, that's not freedom. Freedom is finding your own path, that works for you! That may include some tips and suggestions and useful techniques, when they are needed, for a period that they are needed. But, if you are finding yourself in someone else's crowd of followers, you have been hypnotized, which can happen easily, as mind wants something to hold on to, something to feel safe.

There is only a short journey to make- from here to here. From thinking to being. From being lost in thoughts about what is not happening to stillness and awareness of what IS. This journey can seem long and twisted, but in essence we are never not here and not now, it's only a matter of focus shift. And of course, calm, peaceful mind can see this instantly, while mind that has a lot going on simply can not find. Thoughts are too intense, too many.

The path is really about finding the way to get that beautiful mind to relax so it can be aware of presence. Don't buy into techniques that want your praise and attention. Don't follow leaders that have something that you do not have. Find your own way that brings that calm and joy of being closer. The sooner you start tuning inside, the sooner you will find what works for you.

All I am saying here is that no one can do it for you, no method can do it for you, no path of someone else will take you home. Finding your own way is freedom. Freedom to be you in all the glorious uniqueness. Just like a flower that does not need to know the way or method to bloom.

Hello, Pressence

"Truth will set you free," we know these words. I've had that as a signature in the LU forum since the beginning. Only recently did I change it to "Truth recognized will set you free". And here is why: Truth can not do anything if it is not consciously recognized and lived. If one is not receptive to it, no words of truth can do anything. You can be bombarded with truth all day long and it will not touch anything in you if there is no openness and no fertile ground for it to land.

So what is this truth that has the power to set you free? It's Presence.

We are aware, we are conscious, we can feel that we know. We can be still and feel that there is this spacious sense of presence. Here now, always available to be noticed, recognized consciously. This presence has a tone, a flavor; it's rich and full of aliveness.

The problem that one may have is how to still the mind to the point of being able to rest in a thoughtless space. There are many ways to practice that, meditation being the main exercise. You can also use technology, or whatever that works for you. The mind filled with fears and anxieties, shame, guilt and regret can not be still. It keeps working on trying to resolve and explain, protect a person. The mind can not relax until it thinks that it is its job to keep everything in control and in a certain way. It can not just sit still if it thinks that it needs to perform tasks and figure a way out of problems. But the only real function of the mind is to be aware! To be aware. The end. Let this sink.

The mind is doing work that is really not its work. Creating and solving problems is tension in itself, especially when problems seem to have no solutions. The tension builds up to the point of collapse or explosion. Neither are joyful experiences. Only calm, peaceful mind can get to stillness. Only when it's no longer pressuring itself into performing tasks that are not of its responsibility can the mind let go and be still.

Stillness is found inside. This is where we go silently, secretly and preciously. This is where the outside world is no longer relevant. Nothing from outside can give us peace. Changing the world outside is not of our power. It's only inside that we can find the home. And it's always here now. It is the Presence.

There are many words to point to the same Presence. Whatever word resonates, be it Self, Love, God, Life, Source, Buddha Mind, Christ Consciousness, Tao, Zen, The Great Spirit, Divine Presence, Consciousness, Aliveness, Being... You can call it whatever you like, even make up a word, as long as you consciously know what it means. I call IT Wooo, as that how it feels when the connection is made. Find your own word that hits the bulls-eye in your experience. Then find that which The Word points to in your experience. Here now, there is a sense of something being within- a sweetness, a silent joy of Being that feels like a flow of blissful lightness through the chest. Hello, Divine Presence. This is where we rest in the silent space of truth of Being. This is what the sages and gurus and wise men and women point to. The sacred place within, that Self-love, that Spiritual Heart that resides underneath all waves of thoughts and emotions.

Hello, Presence.

We rest in that presence and listen to what is there. Simply being open to it, being receptive. Listening rather than talking. Consciously recognizing it for what it is. (again use your own word here)

Bringing focused aware attention to just being, allows the system to re-calibrate, realign, refresh, erase all that no longer serves. Then there is a deep sense of peace and a delicious, calm feeling of completeness.

There is only one Presence. We can all tune into that and make a conscious connection with it. The silence that is felt, even for a few seconds--three to four times a day is the home. We don't need to solve problems and be concerned about the future- this activity won't give you a lasting sense of peace with what is. Take time to just sit in silence, dropping all pressure from the head, releasing all wants, shoulds, desires, desire for power and security, all trying to fix or change what is apparently not working and all expectations about what this experience could be like. Be there just for the sake of being connected.

This is IT. Rest in the silent aware space. What is that? What does it have to tell you? What feeling wants to be felt? Go deeper and deeper. This is where assurance that all is well and completeness can be felt. This is how the worldly problems melt away. Fall in love with the Divine Presence and how it feels. Fall in love with Love itself. That is where the connection with the ..... (use your word) happens. And when it happens, you know! You found the golden center of Being... abide in that and that will set you free.

Inspired by The Infinite Way teaching

Fear of Losing Control

One of deepest patterns that run in this human software is the pattern of imagined control. And losing control is one of deepest fears that ego has. By ego I mean the assumed I-entity that supposedly owns a piece of life and is in charge of running it, like a general manager of this body-mind thing.

Fear of loosing control stems from assuming that there is a controller. The mind thinks that it is its job to be in charge of what happens. It thinks that by doing this job of micromanaging what happens in the future it is useful and without its work the system would collapse. The idea of loosing control is as scary as the idea of death. But what is that mind is in control of?

In experience, perception is happening with and without belief in a separate entity. Beliefs do not matter, vision, sound, sensations are happening on their own and are not subject to being switched on or off. The imagined control over what is happening is given by default as everybody are trained to believe that. It starts when we are children and test our boundaries. We are trained to behave and trained to train ourselves to behave. We are following norms and established patterns without questioning if that is really helpful. Conformity is accepted, rebelliousness is something that irritates.

We are trained to look at others and express opinions about them. And opinions are valued like something individual and precious. Then we view the world around us through this righteous lens, of right and wrong. And we try to change and help others where they don't fall into our fixated way of how things should be.

This is the pattern that runs deep and is evident in any argument that takes place.

"Loosing control is scary, because what will happen to me if I no longer feel in charge of how my life goes."

But what does that really mean? It means stiffness, tightness, narrow-mindedness, hardness and suffering. Because life does not need us to tell what it is best for us. Life provides us with lessons, it is The Teacher, that comes in the form of whatever people we meet and situations we get into. The egoistic mind focused on being in charge is thinking that it knows best, it is right and all those that are wrong should accept the opinion and the righteousness and conform as they should.

Now this pattern is really not helpful. It is the very tension that we are trying to get rid of. We hold a belief that someone else needs to fix their behaviour for us to be at peace. So if you think that you are awake but keep pointing fingers at others and blaming them for how they make you feel- that's a kindergarten level of relating. Being adult means owning your reactions and seeing them first. Then looking at what is behind those reactions and understanding where they come from.

To be at peace requires surrender. Peace is already here underneath all opinion-stories, underneath the desire to be in charge and in control. It is noticing that we are the flow. Bruce Lee told us- be like water. That says, stop fighting what is, release the idea of a controller, soften, be flexible and nothing will touch you. Let life live as you without resistance.

We can observe patterns. We can ask questions like - is this helpful pattern, is it useful, does it serve or is it creating tension? Is it ok to let this pattern go? What can be lost?

When we focus attention on what is wrong with others or situations, we miss the gift that life is presenting to us. It only takes a shift of attention from others to our own reactions. Reactions that are happening, including body sensations, emotions and thoughts are what we are here to notice. Then we take attention from what we think is wrong and give it to our own sensations that are triggered by outside. This is the shift from outside to inside and this is where real work is- noticing our own patterns. And when patterns are seen they get to change. With and without belief in a controller.

I use this example often of being on a rollercoaster ride, sitting in the first car and holding on to a wheel. No matter where you turn the wheel, the ride is already set and the car will follow rails. It is safe to take hands off the wheel and enjoy the ride without imagining that you are the driver.
The driver is imagined, there is nothing to loose. The fear of losing something that was never ours is irrational. But there is something to gain when we step out of the role of the general manager and surrender to life. There is a joy of exploration and freedom, there are mystery, magic and synchronicity, there are openness and trusting life.

And only love remains where used to be fear.

Be like water...

The Price of Freedom Is Bullshit

The sense of freedom feels as though there is an ease, unconstrained, free flowing movement. It can be anywhere between intense or soft, ecstatic or peaceful. Freedom is felt when resistance is not. It's a sense of non attachment. It's being able to genuinely feel and express what really wants to be expressed. And the price of freedom is all of our bullshit.
If I could, I would take an eraser and delete all bullshit from life, all the unnecessary, all the noise and rubbish so all that is left to see is the crystallized, incredible design. Pure is without an overlay of judgmental thinking.

This alive thing that is not a thing, Life, Intelligence, Self, Tao, Zen, Love or whatever you want to call it, is an adventure. This alive thing has an unmistakable gravitational pull into the deep, into the openness. It is asking for only one thing- release of limitations.

Limitations are mind created structures of belief that no longer serve. Some repeating thoughts appearing sticky make up a pattern that seem solid, but are quite simply; bullshit. Bullshit sticks to other bullshit creating elaborate castles of Bullshit. It looks pretty sturdy. Tried and tested. It's been here for years. Comfortable or not, it feels familiar, safe, known. I am talking about all that we believe we know. Everything that we consider being ok, but know is not- is an indication that something is covered by some layer of bullshit.

What kind of fun is life like that? It can be fun if one is stuck in drama and finds it entertaining. Truly though, living with lots of bullshit in the head is not desireable. No one likes to feel enslaved, to feel pain, suffering, intense negative emotions. And that's what bullshit generates; feelings that are undesirable. That's how we can know that some old stinky belief is in operation that contradicts with how things are. The belief/thought will be followed by a desire to fix or change the external situation. Good stuff, we have a built in bullshit radar that signals us and shows us what is not in alignment with a sense of rightness.

The good news?  One does not need bullshit. It's not a necessity like breathing air or eating. Bullshit is something we collect and gather along the way and carry as a possession; it’s ours and we own it. It weighs us down, puts the pressure on and generally stinks of negativity. We must take full responsibility for it. Taking special notice under such categories like "In my precious opinion", "This is how it is and how it should be", "This is how other should be", "I worry about what may happen if that happens"...

Even better news, bullshit is highly flammable. Like a fart to a flame. Just throw a little spark of fire and everything can go kaboom. There is a condition required however, and that is a willingness to ignite it. One must be ready and open to live a life without bullshit. Are you ready? Are you open?

Bullshit will not burn easily if one does not want to let it go. Bullshit will not ignite at all if one prefers to keep it.  That means lots of lighter fluid or in other words,...willingness. It may feel scary to drop the familiar ideas about what we are and what we are not, where we are heading, what we really want. Freedom to be what we are and express openly and fully our authenticity can feel overwhelming, so we cover ourselves in the safety of ideas about our limitations instead of shining. Burning bullshit away will reveal what was once mundane and orderly to shining and completely unpredictable. Does that scare you?  Burn that too!  

The fire is our rebellious and wild spirit that says no to taming; no to self created prison.

If bullshit is ready to burn, it will catch fire like firewood. The fire will spread through the whole castle and burn the beliefs away. Piece by piece, pattern by pattern the beliefs will rise up to be seen and scorched. So be it. Cheers and goodbye. Enjoy the fireworks.




I'd say that giving away all the bullshit is a fair price to pay. Losing that which does not serve any longer is not a loss. It's freedom. Total Freedom.
Here is an invitation to those who think they have burned their beliefs already. Rebel against the weight of your unowned bullshit, it may be hiding. Set yourself on fire just to see if there is more that wants to burn. Just in case there is more lightness, ease and flow to be discovered.
This is a call to explore what else can be freed.

May all beings find freedom and live the exciting adventure that life really is. Free of bullshit.

co written with Julie Rumbarger.  

Deep Looking

Are you at peace right now? 

If so, nice. If not, then let me introduce you a very simple way to peace. I called this technique Deep Looking. It is a blend of different kinds of releasing techniques and is mainly based on Pamela Wilson's work and Sedona method.

It is very simple to use, but before I get to the details, I'd like you to notice how mind labels everything. Where focus goes, thinking follows. If you look to the left and notice what is there right now, watch what happens with thoughts- they label and describe the seen, naming shapes, colors, naming objects, those labels may trigger a memory, so little a story may come up. Words flow when focus touches what is there. (When you see it clearly, you can describe what is seen.)

Bring focus to how you feel right now. Describe it in a few words for yourself.
Notice, words that label feelings arise when attention goes to the feelings. Just have a little play and observe how it all works.

There is one thing to end seeking, it's quite another to end resisting what is.

It's like there are layers to awakening, one more subtle than other. Seeing that no one is here doing, thinking, living a life of separate entity does not automatically end all the resistance. It's not one hit and that's it: resistance-no-longer-arises-deal. All those little thoughts, beliefs, shoulds, emotional wounds, fears, habits, stories, the whole personality of the character did not form in a day, so it does not usually collapse in a day either. If you look back at your life, there is a story. Some stories are sticky, some are vague, some trigger deep emotional pain. The pain that paralyzes and keeps one stuck in the same patterns. If you could release all this sad stuff, what would be left is pure joy of being and peace.

When resistance ends, surrendering happens, it's actually the same movement, labeled from different ends. Every little resistance released is surrendering in action. Letting go, falling off old "parts of you", stuff that no longer serves and is no longer needed.

The first step is saying: Yes, so be it.

So be it. Let all the stuff that no longer serves get de-constructed, un-created, released, dissolved, melted away, gone. Who needs those fearful patterns, right? So be it. Whatever happens in the process of releasing is OK.

If fear comes up it's only here to show you that you are entering unexplored areas, it signals that something that feels protected does not want to be seen. Let that be OK as well.

The second step- Welcoming.

This is very important and it may feel silly or even funny, but welcoming everything that comes up is The Key. Kindness, openness, gentleness, compassion, softness, honesty, love are the door openers. When pushing stops, allowing begins. It's not a weakness, but most powerful, underrated tool on the mission of clearing stuckness. But what good is the tool if it's not being used.

Thank you is the magic word.

Thanking whatever shows up turns the feeling about it around. Resistance turns into acceptance. It's the alchemy of feeling. This is the main principle of Deep Looking- welcoming, thanking, giving space for the feeling to enfold you and to pass. You can bow in honor, hug and kiss the feeling, mind and the heart. The response is one of opening, feeling of appreciation, compassion, love. You may try this now, before reading further.

Thank the heart and the mind, literally, for being such a beautiful, gorgeous heart and mind. Give them both a warm hug and a smile. Tell them that you love them SO MUCH. Bow in honor and in appreciation. Say, thank you.

That's it. If there is resistance to that, it's fine. Thank the resistance for doing such a great job of protecting whatever needs to be protected. Give a hug to resistance. Even if it sounds a bit crazy. Accepting resistance is a step closer to releasing it. After all, resistance is a friend.

Listening deeply to what the mind and the heart have to say.

When we listen to how mind and heart responds, we can take the next step. That is asking another question that rises up from the previous answer. Whatever shows up in the answer is showing the way to go deeper.

The deep Looking process is a conversation with whatever structure comes up to talk. When the focus is turned inside, notice, there is a voice talking, it's labels everything. Using this function of mind, we can have a chat with mind, heart, body, see what they want, what is in the way of having it now, what is there that needs to be protected. Talking to the mind may sound weird, but it's not any weirder than talking to other imaginary characters in the head, like your partner or parent. It's imagined role play, a game, don't take it too seriously. It does not mean that there is this entity called Mind or Heart that live inside the entity called Body. It only means that if you ask a question of the structure directly you get a direct answer. Simple.

So ask the mind if it's at peace. Literally. - Mind, are you at peace?
Wait for the answer.
............


It's either yes or no. If yes, thank the mind for the answer and ask the heart the same question.
Wait for the answer and if it comes as yes then thank the heart too and enjoy the rest of the day :)

If NO comes up, ask the mind/heart what does it want the most.
You may write the answers down, as it helps to keep focus.
..........
After each answer give thanks and honor the heart and the mind, or whatever you are talking to at that moment.
...........
Next question would be- What is in the way of feeling relaxed now?

When the answer comes welcome that feeling, let it be here for a minute and just allow it to be as it is. Then you may ask the feeling what does it want the most, and see what comes up after that...
...........

When the answer comes that feeling, mind, heart wants to relax, you ask:

Are you ready to relax?
Are you ready to relax now?

If both answers are yes, then just close your eyes and feel. Feel fully, without putting labels on what is felt. Just letting the raw sensations enfold you, play out and pass. Take your time with this one and when it feels that all has passed, bring in some more, and feel it out and then some more. And even more. Keep at it- welcoming, bringing up, feeling out, keep at the process as long as it feels right. You may imagine that there is an open door in the area of the feeling and see how the feeling is moving through that door. Alternatively, just feel. In the end, it may feel like exhaustion, tiredness. It's ok. This work requires a bit of concentration.

When feelings like fear, resistance come up, talk to them and ask, what are they protecting. When you get an answer ask the mind to LOOK if it still needs to protect that, or protection is no longer needed. If it's no longer needed you may ask if the feeling wants to leave. If it says yes, then feel it out as described above. If the answer is no, then ask what this feeling wants to tell you. Listen. Whatever the answer is, thank the feeling for the answer and focus on that which comes up in the answer. It all may sound bit complicated, but when you are there, in conversation, the questions and answers just play out by themselves. 

The only thing to keep an eye on is the focus.

The tricky thing is, that if you are coming close to some strongly protected area, mind jumps at defense and either builds a wall or creates a distraction, or even both. The wall can be a sudden boredom, laziness to carry on, sleepiness, dismissal, blankness.

Distraction can come in many forms. Suddenly you may feel that you got something else to do or focus goes to something completely unrelated, something that appears to be much more interesting. It's the trick that mind plays when something feels threatened. If you notice that this happened, bring the focus back gently. Tell the mind that this is safe and you are here only to help it to get what it wants the most. Keep looking, keep welcoming and focus on what else is there that wants to speak up.

Often some scenes from childhood come up. A little kid, you, that may be feeling unloved, abandoned, and wants to be heard. Something may have happened, that the hurt is still there, something unresolved that still needs attention, processing, and acceptance. Give a hug to that child and tell her, how precious she is and how beautiful and that you love her very much. Ask the child what she wants the most and assure that she is safe and loved, stay with her till she feels lighter. 

It's a mystery how this works, but it sure does. The Deep Looking process allows you to go right to the root of stuck energy, lets you examine the beliefs and feelings around it and release happens. A deep release, that clears the space around the issue. It fills space with love and appreciation instead of tightness and unease.

When mind and heart are content and at peace, you may ask the mind, if it knows that the heart is it's home. Ask if it's already at home and if no, ask if it wants to join with the heart. Make sure both sides agree and then just close your eyes for a bit and feel the heart, feel the energy moving and simply be with it. As long as it feels right. It feels as it feels, descriptions fail at this point, no need to name the feeling either.

After this release, the opening continues. There may be some more left to release so it will keep unfolding through next few days. This is an energetic shift, a change how you relate to what is, how you feel most of the time, a new default frequency.

If you use this by yourself, it may take patience and some time. Each time you use it, there is a little release, in a few days, weeks, there will be a noticeable difference. But if you use this technique with a partner, somebody that helps you hold the focus, the release can be really big and sudden. The whole point of a partner is to keep you at it, all the way through.

I have used this technique for about a six years now, at the beginning on myself, then with friends and people that I never met. It is amazing to see how mind mechanisms work from inside. Mind protects the heart and in this noble task it has got confused and suffering was created. Instead of looking for the root cause and releasing it, the mind creates more and more security structures to protect the heart from suffering and that only creates more suffering. In the end, the heart may feel so small, wounded and helpless. And all it wants is to love. It can love freely, but the mind keeps it "safe" from the possible hurt. Sometimes, just in case, without examining if that protection works for the good or for more tension.

The heart is at peace when it's expanded, limitless, condition-less when it loves what it loves and enjoys the feeling of it.

It is not so easy to drop suffering. But if you listen to what your mind and heart want, if you start to communicate with those two, eventually the knot will loosen and the tightness will melt away. Instead, there will be openness and acceptance. Peace with what is.

You can communicate with the body too. I find that body does not speak, it may have no voice. Instead, you can ask yes and no questions and watch what reaction appears- opening sensations, expansion- yes, closing, tightness, contraction- no. Very simple. Deep Looking works with physical symptoms too. Behind the physical symptoms is the mind, resisting something, doing its job of protection.

Protection is good and needed when it makes sense.

A lot of times, when you look inside and ask the question- what is here that needs to be protected right now?- the answer that comes may be a surprise. You may see that mind creates and protects images. What is the worst that can happen to an image?

Images do not need to be protected, as there is nothing that can harm images in any way, but a protection mechanism would still be starting up. So you can simply ask, is it true, does this still need to be protected. If the answer is yes, then find out, what is really feeling in danger. Keep looking deeper and look behind the fear. What is there?

When you see that nothing is there that needs to be protected, when you really see that, the structure collapses. It becomes obvious, that this protection is only guarding an idea, not something that is there, real. Nothing can be harmed in any way, it's nothing. Emptiness.

I had many sessions with many people and only in very few cases, the big release did not happen, which means that more patience was needed to unlock the old rusty locks. Many sessions ended up with people getting light and blissful or falling asleep, sometimes I did fall asleep too, as it does take a lot of concentration to go all the way through. But what I noticed is that when my client releases, release happens here too, it is quite interesting to be part of this process as deepening of peace happens on both sides of the conversation.

Anyway, the theory is one thing, reading or listening to someone else's process is another and it's not the same as diving right in and experiencing this simple method for yourself. You can do it anywhere anytime. In the middle of a busy day or while meditating. Just asking and acknowledging how the mind and heart feel right now creates a direct intimate connection.
Directness, immediacy, intimacy is right here, in asking a direct question.

It may feel strange to talk to heart and mind in the beginning, especially if you see that mind and heart are just labels. But give it a try, explore this and see for yourself. It may get you into deeper peace and there is nothing at all to fear or to loose using this method. If it is not working for you, never mind.

If you find this useful, share this with a friend, pass this on, try it with someone.

If you like to book a one on one Skype session with me follow this link.

Please join Deep Looking group on Facebook

Here is a recording of a live Deep Looking session. 

http://www.liberationunleashed.com/LU_Audio/LU_Deep_Looking_Worthing_July_13th.mp3

And here are a few links to some older posts on this blog:

http://markedeternal.blogspot.co.uk/2016/01/going-home.html
http://markedeternal.blogspot.co.uk/2016/01/deep-looking-with-christiane.html
http://markedeternal.blogspot.co.uk/2012/10/deep-looking-session-with-k.html
http://markedeternal.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/looking-inside-with-n.html
http://markedeternal.blogspot.co.uk/2013/08/deep-looking-session-with-d.html

Peace. 

No-self Is Not a New Kind of Identity, It's No Self At All

This was beautiful and heart opening. M came very ready and the process went smooth and quick. It does not mean it was easy, the meltdown and fear was there, disillusionment often comes with purging and burning. The fire was there, the readiness was there, all that she needed was final push. Enjoy.

M:
Dear Ilona:
I am so grateful for you and Elena.  I finished reading the book "Gatecrashers".  Thank you for giving it free on the internet.  So many things happened while reading and reflecting.  I am seeing so much fear coming up that I had no idea I even had.  I hear many people expressing fear and doubts, but I never felt them myself.  Until this week did I come to many recognitions and some amazing realizations.  I too like you started the advaita journey by reading my first book by Jed McKenna.  This was about six years and my life has never been the same.  I have only one real desire and that is to really know the truth. It appears you have assisted many people.  I don't feel I can go any further without help.  Do you have time?

Thank you for your honesty and no frills.  I am so tired of the the advaita speak.  I am not an intellect, I don't have the proper words for communicating this. But I do have the deepest love and desire to know.

I:
Hi M.

Thank you for email.
Glad to hear that the book has opened new view for you.
To go till the then one has to answer the question- is there a separate self at all?

So let's start from expectations, what is it that you expect at this point that the truth will do for you? What do you think this is all about? What do you want from seeing that there is no self at all?

Make a list and bring all of expectations with sincerity and honesty.

Sending love.

M:
Thank you so much for taking the time to help me with hopefully going through the "gateless gate".  I am so very grateful!!!!!

What expectations of what truth will give? 
Freedom from my repetitive thoughts that seem to 'control' me. 
To genuinely have zest for life, to be really excited about living.

I: it may or may not happen, depending on how much work you have to do to clean up the system after. it is not about eternal bliss.

M:
To see through  the veil once and for all.

I: Nice.

M: To see and feel the love and truly share with others.

I: this has nothing to do with love or heart opening. heart may or may not open with realization, but it is not a rule, that it does.
so leave this for now.


M: Trust in the universe, Freedom from conditioning.

I: freedom from conditioning comes with every belief released. we  are looking at the core belief here, that there is this i, me that owns conditioning. once that is seen as belief, not truth, then other conditioning starts to fall. it is not overnight process. may take months or years to settle it. so don't have your hopes high here, you do not wake up from conditioning, but to it, so finally it can start to clear.

trust in universe, yes.

I: What do I think this is all about?

M: I have been asking myself this question for a very long time.  When I was a teenager I would repeatedly ask what's this all about.  There has to be more than the struggle, there has to be something deeper than having a degree, having money, having IT all. Nothing has satisfied me...EVER!!!  No matter how successful or how many times I have gotten what I desired there is always something more.  This is when I really began this spiritual journey.  Now I think it's about being free and understanding who or what is this. 

I: no. it is about seeing that there is nothing to understand and no thoughts are reality. there is no who. as in zero. this does not come with cosmic download, it is rather ordinary. a loss of belief.

M: Why are we here, why do we exist? 

I: any answer to question why is a story. no story is reality. all is fiction. whatever you choose to belief about why is this or that is another belief.

M: Why is there so much belief in these thoughts in my head?

I: is it true? this is the best weapon in clearing them beliefs that have been accepted from others and your own trials to answer questions like what does it mean and why is this or that.

M: Sometimes I feel as though I am going crazy.  There are moments when I get it.  When I really see I am believing these thoughts and that there is an I a witnesser.  Then there are times when the I is not present everything is just happening, but then the story comes in with a vengeance and I am gone.

I: i does not exist, it is only a thought, but we will get to it.


I: What do I want from seeing that there is no self at all?

M: Peace.  Knowing, I mean really really knowing that we all are or come from love. 

I: you want to know truth or you want the truth to fit your ideal model of truth? don't expect an answer, you are going to see it for yourself.

M: To stop believing all the negative thoughts and stop beating myself up for the mistakes I have made.  Thoughts stopping from the past and projecting the future.  I am so aware of this happening inside.  It drives me crazy. I try to be a better person and that doesn't work. I try to stop that doesn't work.  I try to see there is no I doing anything, that doesn't stick.  It just makes me feel worse when I fail.

I: yes, i know that one. the stickiness goes, that is one thing that happens.

M: I know intellectually all the correct answers, but I don't know it from the "heart".  
I am not censoring anything here.  I am just typing without any concern for how it will look or if the grammar is correct. Too much work!  I am so tired of trying, trying, and trying. And yet here I am writing you and giving it my all.  Really no control at all, is there???  

I: good stuff.

M: I was so afraid to write you because I realized at the "heart" level this will be the end.

I: no it is not the end. it is a beginning.

M: I realized I really didn't want the "game" to be over. 

I: this is not game over, there is nothing to loose, only mind gets clear from misunderstandings, clear of assumptions. the game is only about to start.  :)

M: I can see now that before this I really wasn't ready.  I have embraced this fear and I am open to what is next.  There are a lot of I's and I am's in this, but I can't get caught up in the advaita speak. 

I: no need at all for advaita speak.

M: I am sure you can know where I am coming from.
Thank you so much for being here. I am very nervous but excited at the same time 

I: write to me what triggered you the most.
are you ready for the next step?
lost of love...

M:
Hi Ilona:
Thank you for responding so quickly.  What triggered me the most?

First: I always heard and it seems that when people really go beyond the "gate" they have this love for life (no matter what is happening). I used to think that there would be eternal bliss but after reading your book I realize that is not the case.

Heart opening: I think I really don't know what that means.  I have heard it referenced so much that I thought this would happen also.  I can let that one go too.

Freedom from conditioning: After it is truly seen that there is no "I", I do know that is only the beginning, what I mean by game over is that once it is seen there is no going back.  Just like using your wonderful example of Santa.  Also I suppose I mean that falling away will begin to occur.

It is about seeing that there is nothing to understand and no thoughts are reality.  I understand that asking the question who am I is useless here.  When the I belief is dropped there is no who!
No wonder after all these years that never worked!!!

you do not wake up from conditioning, but to it, so finally it can start to clear.  I haven't a clue how to wake up from conditioning?

Why do we exist is another belief?  I never looked at it that way

Is this True?  I tried the Byron, Katie method, it just frustrated me.  I mean really nothing is really true, but I still believe in the story sometimes.  Especially "i am not good enough"

I am so ready for the next step. Fear and anxiousness is arising, but at the same time I feel as though this is exactly where I am supposed to be, with you.

Thank you  sooooooooooooo much.  
I know I does not exist but not for real.

I:
Sweet M.
Thank you for answers.
I see you are ripe and ready to move on.

So.. Let this thought in.

There is no self at All in reality, no me as a general manager of life, no owner of life, no watcher, no I that is in control of anything that happens. None at all as in zero.
All there is if life happening by itself.


Sit with this for a while and write to me what thoughts and feelings, sensations come up.

Lots of love.

M: Dearest Ilona:

I can't tell you how much I appreciate you.  Thank you.


I have had this question in my mind for the past few days. Am I just trading I exist thought to I don't exist thought?

It has rung true to me in the past, that all along I have wanted the "I/Me" to experience the no "I".  So how can I trust this to happen to a me that doesn't exist?  I did the steps on your blog about three days before I contacted you and this is what happened.  I really saw there was no doer only happening occurring. The final straw was when you asked the question is there even a witness-er?  It just hit me like a ton of bricks.  It was the first time I had the sensations of openness, oneness, no second.  The rest of the evening I just sat in my chair in wonder, smiling.  

Then the next day I had a HUGE melt down.  The thoughts came flooding in with a vengeance. I really was loosing my mind.  You see after reading Jed's trilogy I went into a phase an annihilation.  I sold my house at a huge loss, sold almost all of my possessions and lived off my savings.  Feeling sorry for myself all the way through the process. Got a few jobs which I stayed at for a year and then moved on to another. Never being satisfied with all areas of my life.  Now this may seem like a sob story (which it is), but I knew somehow this was the only way for me to really, really know that I was committed to finding the truth.  So with that the "spiritual" journey really began.  It took me all this time to truly know that I would never be settled until I saw the truth. It took me to loose almost everything to really know that I can not find happiness in the external (now i see how ridiculous this is. Just another bloody story) .  

But... When I am feeling most out of sorts I beat myself to a pulp for making such stupid decisions.  Yes, there is no one here to do such a thing and yet here I am.  So after reading the story in your book about the husband and wife reading Jed's book and what the husband did, it made me feel like such an ass.  I realized I did all this for absolutely nothing.  It was as if I was punishing myself for all the success's I had. Spiritual people don't live awesome prosperous lives (what a butt head). After reading the husband story it just triggered what I had done also. which made me feel like an even bigger foooooool!!!!   I had this huge melt down and went into my I am a "failure" I am so unhappy story. Crying went on for hours (no exaggeration). The next day I couldn't function.  I rarely watch TV.  And here I sat in front of the TV for nine hours.  I have never done this ever!  I just couldn't think, I was numb. How in the hell does one have such an amazing experience and then go to the darkest place ever.  This is when I knew I was so fearful of loosing the SELF.  My God I had no idea how much fear I had stored up. That evening I said this is it.  I am going to finish reading your and Elena's' book and then write to Ilona and see what happens.  

I am so sorry for being so verbose, I just felt it was important for you to see how sometimes I get it and sometimes it's like I haven't gotten any progress whatsoever. 

So these are the sensations that come up... fear and excitement, right now at this moment I understand (but not a seeing) there is no one driving the bus...I am still believing "I" exist somewhere inside of this body/mind.  
Some of this "I" belief has worn down from the other day despite the meltdown.  I feel like I am on the edge, I just need the push.  No actually there is a readiness that is felt somewhere. 


This is freedom, isn't it?? 
There is no self at All in reality, no me as a general manager of life, no owner of life, no watcher, no I that is in control of anything that happens. None at all as in zero. 
All there is if life happening by itself. 

I:
Hi M.

We are not trading I to no-I here. You are looking to see what is really going on.

When you realized that Santa wasn't real, was it traded to no-Santa? ( or whatever magical fantasy you had as a child. )

There is no I and there never was. No- self is not a new kind of identity, it's no self at all.

Thank you for writing how your days were going before you contacted me. It's not easy when the whole belief structure is crumbling. Meltdown is often a case.

But it has passed. This too shall pass. There is no permanent state.

Ok, now please focus on the phrase that I gave you in the previous message and answer not from the past, not from thoughts about what happened, but what does it feel right when you read it and let it sink in now.
For a few minutes consider that this is real possibility. There never was a self, that means there is nothing to loose.

Do this little exercise- Close your eyes. Imagine you are holding a melon between your hands.  Imagine it vividly, shape, weight, texture... Hold it there. 

Open your eyes. 

What happened to the melon? Was it replaced with no-melon? Did it disappear? Did it get lost?

THIS is the same case with the self. The self is imagined.

M: Hello Dear One:
There is no I and there never was. No- self is not a new kind of identity, it's no self at all.
Ah yes this makes total sense.  Thank you for the clarity.  I just want to make sure I am not fooling myself into another belief.

When I focus on the phrase: 

"There is no self at All in reality, no me as a general manager of life, no owner of life, no watcher, no I that is in control of anything that happens. None at all as in zero. 
All there is if life happening by itself."  

It feels true but then I think I am just convincing myself it is true. I need to investigate there never was an I. Quite honestly this is where I get stuck.  It still feels like I am adopting another concept.

I am going to let this settle, it's not like this isn't the first time I have heard this.  I just haven't seen it, i don't know to further/beyond!!!!!! Frustration is arising...but I am not giving up until it is SEEEN.

Thank you so much.
love, love M

I: thank you for answer.

let's look deeper now. of course you have heard this concept, but until it is seen, it is a concept.
so tell me, what would be lost if that was true.
what is happening not on automatic?
what is it that frustration happening to?

what does word me point to?
what is i?

M: Hello Ilona:
Once again Thank you for getting back to me so quickly. It seems this is all I live for right now.

let's look deeper now. of course you have heard this concept, but until it is seen, it is a concept
Yes this is exactly how it is right now.

so tell me, what would be lost if that was true. 
If this is true that there is no "I", then there is indeed nothing to loose, it never was in the first place.  Somehow I know this but a "seeing" not yet.

what is happening not on automatic?
I have to make an effort to keep believing in everything, especially that the "I" exists somewhere inside of me. It is exhausting.

what is it that frustration happening to?
Me believing in the contents of the thoughts

what does word me point to?
A belief that me exists inside my head

what is i?
I don't know, I can't seem to find it, but it is still believed it exists.

Damn Ilona I feel so close and yet sooooooooo far.

Thanks for taking the time with me.  I can't tell you enough how long I have waited for someone to help me see through this.

love  

I: In order to see you need to look. See if it's true, notice what confirms it in your experience, look with eyes, not with mind. It's not about finding explanation but seeing it in your own experience.

So right now, is there an I anywhere in the room, in the body?
Is there batman hanging around?
How do you know he is not?

Same with I. It's is imagined. Can that which is imagined be seen, experienced through senses?

Look and notice, what is here, what can be experienced, compare to imaginary characters. How is M different from batman?

"I have to make an effort to keep believing in everything, especially that the "I" exists somewhere inside of me. It is exhausting."
Is this not on automatic?

"what is it that frustration happening to?
Me believing in the contents of the thoughts"

Look closer here. What is this that is labeled frustration.? Sensations in the body, right?

Are these sensations happening to a me?

"what does word me point to?
A belief that me exists inside my head"

A belief. Yes. Other thoughts ABOUT me, but is there a real me?
Does table need you to believe in it to be here?

"what is i?
I don't know, I can't seem to find it, but it is still believed it exists".

I is a thought.
Me is a thought.
Self is a thought.
Batman is a thought
Table is a thought.

The difference between those thoughts that one of them point to something real, while others point to imaginary stuff. Can you see that?

M:
Hi Ilona:

I re-read the questions from last time and realized the question what is happening not on automatic?
I answered it as what is automatic in my mind.  I realized what you were really asking.  After sitting quietly I realized everything seems to be automatic.  Even my belief that there is an I thinking.  It's very subtle but I can't see anything that "I" do, it does seem to be just happening.

I will sit and investigate and see what is seen before responding. Look with eyes, yes.

Thank you for your patience.
love M

I:
Yes, notice how body reacts to stimulus, how choices are made, how everything works on itch follows scratch  manner.

Try this-
Lift your left arm above the head 

Do it now 

Did it happen? 
Did you choose to do it or not? 
Did it happen and then mind kicked in evaluating what happened? 

Good place for observation is shower :)

Write to me when ready. Take your time. I'm here to assist.

Much love.

M:
Hi Ilona:
Okay I am on fire.  I just finished reading your reply previous to this one.
Yes, yes and yes, I is imagined.  I can only stay "alive" as long as I is believed to be true. Just like Santa, Santa here today (only in thought),gone as soon as the thought is dropped, the real joke is that it (I) never existed in the first place.

I: exactly. nothing happened to Santa, the joke was on a kid.

M: I am stuck in this automatic.  Is everything automatic, even the thought I exists somewhere in the body?

I: see if you can find what is NOT on automatic.

M: Sensations are happening to the body, but then the mind comes in and claims its happening to me.  This is when the story comes in and I take ownership of all actions.  Something as simple as raising my arm to what a bad decision I made five years ago.

"I is a thought.  
Me is a thought. 
Self is a thought. 
Batman is a thought 
Table is a thought."
The only way an I survives is through a thought there is an I. An I needs to be believed in order for it to exist.   Yes this is seen.

I: even if it is believed it does not exist. remember Santa? when did he exist? it is a misunderstanding. that is all. unquestioned assumption.

M: Is it like this?  Sensation happens then action happens, without any effort at all. Is it just the mind (habit, conditioning) taking ownership of the action or outcome.

I: yes.
mind is a labeling machine.

try this exercise.


http://markedeternal.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/labels.html
write to me what you learned.

M: see if you can find what is NOT on automatic.
Okay for real??  everything is automatic??  
I had done the label exercise last week (that was when i had that huge opening), realizing that it is all happening and not to a me.  So I did it again and it is seen no one hearing, typing, breathing, to infinity.  This is becoming more obvious.  

Do labels affect the experience or just describe it?  So everything that has happened or is happening is being labeled by the mind and a good outcome or a bad outcome.  The content of the thoughts "beat" up the label I and we are back in the saddle of I am this I am that. At the end of it all its imagination and believing all thoughts are true.

Is this going to stay with me?

Thank you seems so trite to say to you.  much love  m
..............

Hello Ilona:

I am now facing the reality that there is no I.  I really don't know where to go from here.  Questions have seem to have subsided a bit.  But I still feel a stickiness to this identity.  I am feeling a bit lost.  It's funny how I feel more connected to you than people I am with daily.  I know there is no loss in the I since it never existed, but I am feeling hollow.  

This is weird, I thought I had responded to you but I don't see a sent email.  I haven't given up.  I am not "stopping" until this is clearly unequivocally seen.
 love m

I: Keep staring.
What is identity? How would you define it?
How would you define what is batman's identity? Has he got one?
Is there real identity?

Sending love.

M: Hi Ilona:
Ah.  There is no action figure.  It is the same fictitious thought as an I existing.  I get this now. But the last few days I am feeling numb, empty does this pass?  Even fear arises, I can never go back in believing in the I. Does this need 'time' to settle.
love m

"yes it is so simple, that mind sometimes refuses to accept it as this. it loves to complicate everything, create and solve problems, so it may be threatened by the fact, that there is really nothing to figure out, so it tries to hold on to whatever it can, so it would not disappear. funny thing is, it does not disappear, it only gets clearer. thinking slows down and there is a deeper sense of peace. yes, all search is about ending the search, but when there is a real possibility that it may actually end, there is panic, as there is so much invested in that searcher identity, that it is difficult to even consider the possibility for it to be waste of time and life. everyone is different, your experience is unique, trust that. all is unfolding as it should."

I just finished reading what you wrote on your blog.  You described to A, exactly what has been happening the past few days. Question arising this can't be this simple.  It is indeed this simple.  I am so used to grabbing onto this alleged identity.  All concerned that I will lose myself to this "awakening" I will disappear.  I won't be able to relate to my friends my sisters, workmates.  Today panic arose, depression  all the old patterns of "my identity", old stories that have become my identity, my friends my foe.  
Trust...yes this is unfolding as it should.
Thank you, much love m

I: dear one, everything passes, there is no such thing as permanent state. all is a flux, all is one movement. to see that, get out into nature, watch, how everything moves in synchronic manner, how everything wiggles, including your body and thoughts. all this movement is happening effortlessly, notice nothing moves clouds, nothing blows wind, nothing moves trees, nothing moves your legs and arms, all just happens.

when you spend some time in nature, write to me, what you noticed. is there anything separate from life?

sending love and a hug.

M:
Yes, Thank you Ilona.  I just finished reading your blog with A.  So much clarity.  Thank you for sharing. I was doubting the past day and it has already passed.  Just being able to write you and have guidance has been exactly what is needed. I will write you later.  thank you 
a feeling of love is coming that has not been felt before.  thank you 
.................

M:
Hi Ilona:
I had some time to spend in nature at the beach. It is seen with out doubt that all does indeed happen. Birds fly across the water, just skimming the surface with out any effort.  One plucks a fish out of water and flies away. A flock of birds comb the beach on foot and peck away at the sand.  There is no I functioning just happenings. I sit on the bench and then start walking, it wasn't thought 'oh I think I'll walk now', it literally just happens.  I look across the ocean toward horizon, in awe of all of this mystery. Life just happening without the presence of an I.  No commentator, no what if's.  Just what is.  Seamlessly with out effort.  Thoughts came "in" and left just as gently. I have seen the metaphor a million times-thoughts are like clouds.  It is seen here that thoughts are exactly like this. Clouds don't affect the sky anymore that thoughts affect the body/mind. Effort seems to be less each day.  It is not to say that life is now effortless, it always was and is this way, flowing, moving, happening.  Yes it is seen somehow, and yet there is no I seeing.

I: oh that is just beautiful. yes, it is seen, and there is no i doing seeing. well done.

how is your everyday life going, did you notice any changes, big or subtle?
are you ready for the final questions, can you confirm that the shift has happened?

sending love.

M:
Dear Ilona:
I can't thank you enough for taking the time to guide me through this.  The seeing can not be unseen.  I also see what you were talking about before, that this is just the beginning.  
There was no huge event per-say, there was a seeing that there never ever was an I, a self to get anything.  At first I freaked out, (as i had described to you before).  Once the fear passed and it was realized that this to is just a thought being believed, all was well. 

Everyday life seems to be more alive and flowing.  Everything is happening as the same before, but there is a certain taste of life that appears. It's almost as if it's more gentle, even though a lot of activity has been happening.  When reactions happen they come and go easier.  It's almost as if its a tangible intelligence that has and always was running the show.  Things are taken less and less personal, it is becoming more automatic. I always go back to where is this character who is taking this to heart. It is becoming more automatic. Don't get me wrong I know there is more to "burn".  But the frustration of "getting" this has dropped, it can't even be described as peace it just is.

Of course doubt sets in when you ask can I confirm that a shift has happened.  I have trusted you this far so let's keep going.
So much love to you Ilona

I:
Oh yes, I can see that what you describe rings true.  :))) delighted... I feel you.

Sounds that you are ready for the last questions.
Please answer in full when ready. As you see, in full.

M:
Dear Ilona:
Grateful to you.
Before answering these last questions I wanted to confirm when the seeing actually happened.  
I asked you this question: I have had this question in my mind for the past few days. Am I just trading I exist thought to I don't exist thought? 
You responded:

"We are not trading I to no-I here. You are looking to see what is really going on." 
"When you realized that Santa wasn't real, was it traded to no-Santa? ( or whatever magical fantasy you had as a child. ) 
There is no I and there never was. No- self is not a new kind of identity, it's no self at all".   This was the final push.  I knew then to never doubt what I had seen.  That this truly can not be unseen. Oh my God so much love here!!!

As it is seen in full

1) Is there a 'me', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever? how about self, is there anything that is separate from everything else?
NO I, at all anywhere.  Not only that it is seen there are no I's in this world, there is no separate entities running around this planet. It just appears to look that way.  When it is seen that no i, me, mine exists it becomes one appearance, no actually it doesn't become this, it always was this way. No doers, no planners, controllers, and no observing. Yes habits arise and judgments come.  But the stickiness gets lessened. The judgements are not taken seriously. 

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works.
The illusion of a separate self is that we all have this belief that there is an I inside this body/mind.  That anything that happens to this imagined me is very very serious, life threatening.  We are taught to guard, protect and fight to keep it safe.  We are and have been willing to die, lie, kill anything to keep this belief alive.  We have created an identity, that is so strong that we live for years maybe even lifetimes to keep it in tact.  We have created the illusion that we are separate and I am better than or lesser than someone else. There is no in-between we think we are either worthy or unworthy, depending on the story at that moment .  

Why do we believe and buy into this...we had no choice. When it starts and how it works?
As soon as we are able to understand me and mama, the birth of separation.  We are taught through words and believe all these words to be the absolute truth.  How could we not...mom wouldn't steer us wrong. I am baby and you are mommy, separate right from the start.  My body, my stuff, my thoughts, my words. Words turn into thoughts and then thoughts have content which is what we think is really happening. This is imagined.  This imagination actually thinks it is thinking, doing, living.  Ha!!!!  This is the big illusion.  Thoughts happen but the interpretation, the commentator is all imagination.    

 3) How does it feel to see this? describe in detail.
Initially I didn't trust that seeing happened. When you said no-self ever existed never was!!! I knew without a doubt this is true.  Now we could get all technical about there is no I to get this, and this would be true.  But all we have are words to express what is happening.  There is such a flow (and I don't mean an airy fairy, fantasy flow) that is happening.  Somehow it is seen here how magical everything really is.  That it is indeed a mystery and how amazing that is. I am authentically excited about what is here now and now!  There is a deep gratitude for being, living.  Life in life-in.  I have this sweet gentle smile.  It's almost as if its coming from inside and yet it has no beginning and no stopping point.

4) How would you describe it to somebody who has never heard about this illusion but is curious about it.
I would have them do what you did with me. Write down everything.  Really investigate what is true and what is imagined.  To look and see. Don't trust the mind it is very tricky. Question everything that comes up. Most important ask can you find this I, this me that you think is running the show.  I have tried this solo and I knew I needed guidance.  Here it was needed to have a guide, it just happened to be Ilona. Trust that you will be guided by someone who knows the truth, you will know who that is.   Lastly I would say this is not a passive investigation: it takes brutal honesty and commitment. Writing, crying, laughing oh hell all emotions may arise.   I would have them go to your website and check it out.  See it what they read rings true.  I am not saying you and Liberation Unleashed is the end all...but this "i" was ready and somehow I just knew this was exactly where i was lead to. 

5) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look? was there a specific moment when seeing happened or was it gradual? what exactly happened?
Well I could say it was gradual but there was a moment when all belief in the I was seen to be imagined.  BUT after this clear seeing...Doubt came in with a vengeance, it can't be this easy, it can't be this obvious.  Come on M, your kidding yourself.  I looked at that thought and realized the fear i had been holding was coming out of the body.  I thought for sure i was going to vomit, be sick never recover.  Be a vegetable, no mind, no identity.  How will i live.  And on and on.  For a full day I was incapacitated.  That evening I looked again. Who or where is this entity that is going to suffer all these horrible things.  I didn't care what happened if I die or if I am going to loose it all, so what.  I could not go on like this any longer.  So I looked again:  I realized I exchanged the belief from 'I exist' to 'I am my identity', thinking this thought was different.  I wrote to you what was happening and you gently pushed me a little further to see through this experience of doubt.  You just cut through the story and said

"Thank you for writing how your days were going before you contacted me. It's not easy when the whole belief structure is crumbling. Meltdown is often a case. But it has passed. This too shall pass. There is no permanent state." 

 This was not the first time i heard this, but it was the only time i saw this.  Yay :)  Woah! That was exactly what i needed. Honestly I would have probably convinced myself that I was fooling myself.  This is never going to be seen by you (unworthy), not  intelligent enough, not enough, not enough. With your questions I really had to look at what i was believing, what i was expecting from all of this.  You were there at the crucial moments.  I don't now how this all happens but it did and it does.

I see this is indeed the beginning and for the first time ever I am excited about life without a reason.  My God, Ilona, there needs to be a deeper word for the gratitude i have for you being here. 
Now i know why you sign off correspondence each time with; so much love. I see this too.
so much love, m

I:
Dear M, your email touched my heart. you say we need a deeper word to express gratitude, from where i see, there is no need for words, it is felt. that can never be expressed in any way, but it reaches out from heart to heart, like a little flame. :)

may i have your permission to post our conversation on my blog, so that it may be of benefit to someone else and i can get you into the groups on facebook, for continuous support after this crossing the line.

let me know if you ok to use your name. if not, it can be changed to whatever you prefer.

sending tons of love.

M:
Dear Ilona;
Of course you can post this conversation.  You can just use my first initial that would be great. 
Yes after care as you have termed it is needed here. I know this has to settle and I am so excited about going deeper.  It is the beginning. Thank you for your availability.  It seems there a lot of people out there that need to have someone guiding them.  There is nothing out there like this.  What is happening here is such a gift. Heart to heart, it is felt, can't be described...much love going out to you.

images from http://www.advancedphotoshop.co.uk/user/Sylwiaa and photo of sea by ilona.