My YouTube Journey to 5000 Subscribers

I started posting on my YouTube channel in 2018 while living in Mexico. I had a message that was pressing to come through, something that felt like a voice looking for words, and I wanted to find a way to let it out. I had been working with people for years already, sharing the same exercises, the same metaphors, and I thought, if I could record this, I could just send people to watch a video. I could reach more people that way. That idea excited me and I was determined to make it work.

Living at the end of a road in a jungle, the internet ran on 5 megabits. My phone had barely any storage, so I would record a little, delete something to make space, then record again. It took a day and a half sometimes just to upload seven minutes of video. I had no idea how to edit, so I did take after take. It was a struggle by any measure. But something inside kept saying, keep going, this is right. And so I did. The first subscribers came, and that meant something.

In 2020, I decided to take it seriously. I spent two months just watching other creators, learning how things worked. I felt like a first grader walking into school for the first time. The equipment, the lighting, the delivery, the thumbnails, the intros. It was overwhelming and exciting at the same time, and there was a moment where I could have just stopped there, convinced it was too much to learn. Instead, I decided to focus on one video at a time and trust that experience would teach me what no amount of watching could. Every failure felt like a step up.

Some of those early videos are still up. I'll be honest, when I watch them now, I feel a little embarrassed. But I also know they still work as a pointer for someone who needs them. I took some down at one point and got an email from someone looking for them, which said everything. They stay now, and when I watch them, I can see exactly how far this has come.

In 2023, someone asked me why I wasn't putting the recordings out as audio so people could listen on the go. That one question became the Awakening Now podcast. And with that came a whole new layer of learning. It also pushed me to show up more consistently, which led me somewhere I never expected to go, interviewing teachers and people on the path.

I started with people I already knew. Then I began reaching out to people I didn't know, and that didn't always work. Some conversations never happened, some felt like a miss, and that was frustrating because I wanted to bring something genuinely valuable rather than just fill the space with noise. But sitting down with someone for a conversation turned out to be something quite different from sitting with someone in a session. Here I was the listener. I was learning about someone else's work, someone else's way of seeing. And something unexpected happened. Sometimes a single word from a guest would land in me. Sometimes a metaphor, or a sentence framed in a way I hadn't heard before, and it would quietly find its way into my own work. I am genuinely grateful for everyone who came to sit down and share.

It has not always been smooth. There were episodes I struggled to finish and days I genuinely did not want to show up. What I learned is that consistency matters more than inspiration, and I trusted that if I just showed up, the next episode would happen. So I kept showing up.

What fuelled me on the hard days were your messages. Someone writing to say that a conversation helped them see something they hadn't been able to see before. Someone sharing that something shifted. Those messages landed in me and reminded me why this exists.

Because I care. I care about the state of humanity and where we are all headed, from unconscious to authentic, from noise to something real. I am not here to be a leader who holds something you don't have and keeps you coming back for more. That has never been my intention. My passion is to ignite something in you, or better, to turn your attention toward the fire that is already burning. The seeking for truth, the wanting to know your own essence, the impulse to live authentically. That space that is always already free and at peace is not somewhere you need to travel to. It is already here. I just want to help you see it.

Today, this channel has reached 5000 subscribers. And I want to sit with that for a moment, because 5000 is not a small number. It tells me that what I am sharing is landing, that people need to hear this, that there is real power in this message. That means everything to me.

What I hope for is simple. That this channel keeps growing, keeps reaching people who are ready, keeps planting seeds and sparking curiosity and making the message of awakening more accessible and easier to follow. There is so much noise everywhere you look. But there is also a clear signal underneath all of it. If something I share helps you tune into your own clarity, even for a moment, that is the job done.

And if you feel moved to share a video with a friend or your community, you are helping this message do its work in the world. That matters more than I can say.

Thank you for watching, for commenting, for writing to me, for being here. This channel exists because you are in it. Deep gratitude.

https://www.youtube.com/@IlonaCiunaite

Where Have You Become Certain?

 

Over the past few weeks, I have had several conversations about awakening, seeking, and the places where people sometimes get stuck. You may have watched a few of these interviews on YouTube.

It is fascinating to me how easily we can take a position and set up camp there, calling it, “I know how it is.”

This can happen in any area of life, but it becomes especially interesting on the spiritual path. The mind wants certainty. It wants to know what is true, where it stands, and whether it has finally arrived.

After years of seeking, this is understandable. Seeking can be exhausting. There may have been years of reading, watching videos, going to retreats, trying different practices, and hoping that the next insight will finally bring the peace that has always felt just out of reach.

Then something shifts. A clear recognition happens. The familiar sense of being a separate self is seen in a new way. There is relief. Something important has been understood, or perhaps directly seen.

It can feel deeply satisfying to land on a conclusion: “I am awake now.” “I understand.” “This is it.”

And yet, sometimes the conclusion quietly becomes a new place to hide.

A new identity forms around the experience. The words change. The story becomes more refined. The mind may start to speak with confidence about awareness, nonduality, liberation, or the absence of a separate self.

The language may be accurate. The recognition may have been real. But the need for certainty can still remain underneath it all.

The mind wants to know where it stands. It wants a map. It wants to say, “I have arrived.” "I am done!" Only there is no done. 

And that can become a trap that is extremely difficult to see, because the position now sounds like truth.

There is a reason certainty feels so attractive. The unknown gives the mind nothing to hold on to. There is no final explanation and no guarantee about what comes next.

When the old identity begins to loosen, the mind may quickly create a new one. The seeker becomes the one who has found the answer. The one who felt lost becomes the one who knows.

But life has its own way of showing us where something is still held tightly.

Fear appears. Old patterns return. A relationship touches a painful place. The body contracts. Something unexpected happens, and suddenly the certainty feels less secure.

This does not mean that something went wrong. It does not take anything away from the recognition that has already happened.

It may simply be an invitation to keep looking. The crystallised positions are the place to look. 

Seeing through the self-illusion is important. But life continues to reveal every place where we are holding on, resisting, or trying to protect an image of ourselves.

Even the image of being awake can become something to protect.

Perhaps the most useful question is not, “Am I awake?”

Perhaps it is: Where have I become certain? Where have I stopped looking because I believe I already know? What am I afraid to question? Is there still space for “I do not know”?

These are not questions that need quick answers. They are invitations to notice.

Real looking stays open. It does not need to defend a position or reach a final conclusion.

Perhaps there is nowhere final to land.

And perhaps that is where the real freedom begins.

I Understand It All… But Nothing Has Shifted

There is a moment many sincere seekers reach that feels quietly unsettling.

You understand the language of awakening. You know the teachings. You may have had glimpses, openings, moments where something felt clear or spacious. And yet, when you are honest, nothing has truly settled. There is still confusion. There is still a sense of “me.” And it can start to feel like you’ve failed.

When I hear this, I don’t hear failure.
I hear honesty.

What often happens here is that the old strategy stops working. The strategy of trying to understand your way into peace. Trying to think your way into clarity and to arrive somewhere “after” this moment.

Seeing through the self illusion is not a feeling. It is not peace, certainty, or emotional relief. It is a simple recognition. And after that recognition, life continues. Old patterns, emotions, sensations, and a familiar sense of “me” still arise. That does not mean you didn’t see. It means something else is asking to be met.

Much of the suffering comes not from what is present, but from resisting what is present. From believing that clarity should feel a certain way. From quietly expecting awakening to erase confusion forever.

If you are tired of trying to figure this out, that exhaustion may not be a problem. It may be the doorway.

I wrote a short piece called “I Understand It Intellectually, But Nothing Has Shifted” as a gentle guide for this exact moment. You can read it slowly, return to it, and let it meet you where you are.

You can receive the PDF here:
👉 https://bit.ly/4qVdXPR

Nothing is wrong with you.
And nothing essential is missing.

The Fear of Relaxing and the Freedom Beneath It

There are moments on this path when everything seems to converge at once. The body tightens, the breath becomes shallow, the emotions rise in waves, and the mind tries desperately to make sense of it all. For many seekers this becomes the breaking point - something is finally ready to be felt.

When Tammy joined me, she was living right inside that intensity. She said, “Some physical stuff has come up really strongly and it’s brought up a lot of emotional stuff… just so much confusion.”
She had been trying to understand every instruction she heard on the spiritual path. “People say ‘allow it’ — but what does that mean? Sit on the couch? I don’t get it.”
Her honesty was the doorway.

As she began to speak more openly, a deeper layer appeared.
“I just want to cry and cry and cry. My heart is breaking open for the whole world.”
The rawness of that moment was the intelligence of life expressing itself.

I invited her to stop running, just for a breath. To feel what was here rather than trying to fix it. She said, “It feels like a huge mess of everything — despair, hopelessness, fear, love, tiredness.”
And yet, when she allowed herself to feel even a fraction of it, something shifted.

The mind panicked: “If I relax, everything will collapse. I won’t take care of my life.”
This is a common fear. But when she actually softened into one breath, nothing collapsed. Life remained exactly where it was. Sounds, colours, sensations - all present, untouched.

What hurts is not the energy itself. What hurts is the resistance to the energy. That's suffering.

When Tammy agreed to feel the resistance — the “I don’t like this, I don’t want this, it’s too much” — the tightness eased. Not because she controlled it, but because she listened. This is what most people miss. Resistance is not the enemy. It is a voice asking to be acknowledged. Something inside is expressing the truth.

She realised something essential:
“The thoughts keep coming up about how it’s not okay… but the energy just feeling itself — that’s painful and unpleasant.”

And look at this: pain is not the problem, unpleasantness is not the problem. The problem is believing that it shouldn’t be here.

When she finally let the energy be as it is, without fixing, without solving, without labelling it as failure, the storm softened. The energy was finaly met.

This is the heart of Deep Looking - recognising that you are the space in which it moves and sitting beside it as it begins to unfold.

Everything in you is already allowed. Everything is already included. That is why it can finally transform.

If you want to explore this more deeply, I created a short guide called Introduction to Deep Looking. It’s a gentle way to meet what’s here and begin unwinding the tension underneath seeking. You can receive it by signing up on my website.

Here is the link:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Ho1OtCFkhGq8Uibj_QVvg6fXIWiaDNt6/view?usp=drive_link

If you read it and something moves in you, you are always welcome to write to me and share what opened.

Meeting the Part Inside You That Has Been Waiting

There may be a place inside you that has been calling for a long time. Maybe you feel it as a tightness, a pressure, a pull. Maybe it shows up as restlessness, heaviness, or a quiet ache with no name. This isn’t a story to analyse or a memory to fix. It’s a living energy, here now, wanting your presence in the most innocent way.

Many seekers know this place well. Years of practice, healing, and inquiry may bring clarity, yet this one feeling keeps returning. The mind often interprets that as failure —
Why is this still here?
Why can’t I rest?
What am I missing?
I have done so much inner work and this scream is still not letting me sleep at night.

My friend, nothing is wrong. You’re not behind. You’re not missing anything. This part of you has simply been waiting to be truly met. 

In a recent session, Bo described this inner pull in a way that many can recognise. He said, “I’ve discovered there’s such a… I would call it a scream inside of me. You know, an inner part that is screaming for attention from other people.” That is how it often feels — not like a thought, but like a cry inside the body that has nowhere to go.

For him, resting had become almost impossible. “Either I try to be present with that part that is so screaming for attention from the outside, or do I get taken away in bringing in attention to that part.” That tug-of-war — staying with the feeling or getting pulled into it — is deeply familiar to many seekers. Neither side feels peaceful.

And yet, the moment we turned toward that energy together, everything began to soften. A gentle attention. A willingness to feel without running away. A surrender to the present moment as it is.

At one point, I asked him to invite the feeling closer, to see what it might want. As he looked, something subtle shifted. “There’s some response… the spaciousness is more or something.” This is how the inner world speaks — not in concepts or explanations, but in movement, warmth, expansion.

Later, he said softly, “I could see what the issue was, but I didn’t know what to do.” This is the moment many seekers reach: they understand the pattern, they see the behaviour, but they have no access to the place where healing actually happens. That access opens only when we stop trying to solve and begin to meet what is here.

As the session unfolded, sincerity deepened, and something inside him opened. Toward the end, he whispered, “Oh, I want to cry… said in my heart… really grateful.” This is what happens when a long-ignored part finally receives the attention it needed — not analysis, not fixing, but simple presence. The whole system exhales.

This is the heart of Deep Looking. Just meeting what appears with the same care you would offer a child who has been waiting for someone to notice their tears.

When the energy feels seen, it relaxes.
When it feels welcomed, it softens.
When it feels safe, it stops fighting.

If you feel a part inside you that doesn’t settle — a pressure, a longing, a quiet cry for attention — please know you are safe. You don’t need to fix anything. You don’t need to figure it out. You can meet this with gentleness. The peace you seek isn’t elsewhere. It lives exactly where the discomfort is.

If this touches something in you, I invite you to watch the conversation. Maybe it will help you meet your own inner world with a little more softness today. 

If you want to explore this more deeply, I created a short guide called Introduction to Deep Looking. It’s a gentle way to meet what’s here and begin unwinding the tension that sits underneath seeking. You can receive it by signing up on my website. Here is the link:

https://ilonaciunaite.com/deep-looking-ebook/

If you read it and something moves in you, you are welcome to write to me and share what opened.

Trust Yourself — The Key to Your Spiritual Awakening (A conversation with Luchana Uzunova)

 

Awakening isn’t an escape from life. It’s a shift in perception — a change in how you see yourself and the world. It comes through direct recognition of what you truly are, and what you never were.

In this episode of Awakening Now, I spoke with Luchana Uzunova, a nonduality guide whose work bridges clarity, embodiment, and the living expression of awakening. Our conversation moved through what happens after the self-illusion falls away — when the “me” is no longer at the center of experience, yet life continues, vibrant and ordinary.

Many seekers imagine awakening as an endpoint, a place of permanent bliss. Luchana and I both discovered it’s not the end at all — it’s the beginning of a deeper unfolding. The peace that follows awakening is not a fixed state; it’s a living rhythm. Life keeps inviting us to see more clearly, to meet what was previously hidden, and to let love move through the body in ever-new ways.

We talked about embodiment, about the tender process of allowing emotions and energy to surface after awakening. When the old structure collapses, everything that was suppressed comes to light. Embodiment isn’t about perfection — it’s about honesty. It’s the willingness to stay with what is, without trying to escape into ideas or bypass what still asks to be felt.

A theme that ran through our dialogue was trust. Trusting direct experience. Trusting the intelligence of life. Trusting that what unfolds — even when uncomfortable — is part of the same awakening movement. Luchana spoke beautifully about curiosity as the way forward: not fixing, not knowing, simply staying open to what life reveals next.

As we spoke, it became clear that awakening integrates through the smallest details of daily living — washing dishes, feeding cats, meeting friends, feeling joy, feeling sadness. When the imaginary division between “spiritual life” and “ordinary life” dissolves, what’s left is wholeness. There’s no longer a line between awareness and the world. Everything is included.

If you’ve already glimpsed what you are and wonder what comes next, this conversation is for you. Luchana ends with a message that carries the essence of our exchange:

“If it can happen for one, it can happen for all.”

You can listen to the full conversation here: 

The Biggest Assumptions Of A Seeker

Almost everyone begins with expectations. How this should look, how I will feel, and the fear that something important will be lost. The mind projects outcomes and then warns, “Don’t look, it’s dangerous.” That is a protection pattern. One honest look is enough to start dismantling the old structure.

There is a point where you have to look for yourself. Put ideas and expectations aside and check what is actually here. What is real and what is imagined. The mind may say, “If I see this, I will stop functioning. I will lose my family, my job, my body.” These are stories that block the looking.

Another common snag is the doubt, “It cannot be this simple.” For the mind, simplicity is threatening. It prefers to analyze, predict, and build. But the power is in the simple immediacy of direct experience. If you notice the thought, “Is it really this simple?” that is a good sign. You are looking in the right place. The mind may need time to settle with that.

A big expectation on this path is that awakening must be a grand experience, after which everything changes forever. We hear other people’s stories and wait for fireworks, then dismiss everyday life, washing dishes, walking the dog, as “not it.” Awakening Experiences happen and they come and go. States come and go. Awakening itself is not a state or a special experience. It is the ordinary, living recognition that is here now. That is more liberating than waiting for something else.

Sometimes people say, “I looked, nothing happened.” Notice what “nothing” is. Seeing nothing is still seeing. The mind looks for a “something,” a wow, a concept, a state, and overlooks the obvious. When there is a glimpse and you do not have language for it, trust your own experience. What opens is not small.

So the invitation is simple. Look at what is obvious instead of seeking what is not here. Turn attention to the immediacy of right now. Answers are not in concepts or avoidance. They are in direct experience, as it is, whether blissful or messy. You are here as the space in which everything unfolds. Whatever appears moves through. The space remains.

Trust your experience and the process. The mind may dismiss what matters most because it does not fit a story. Does this resonate? Have you met any of these places? If so, let’s keep looking together.

Navigating the everyday Struggles of a Spiritual Seeker

The spiritual path promises profound transformation, inner peace, and enlightenment. Yet anyone who has walked this road knows it's rarely as smooth as the books make it seem. Today, let's shed light on the struggles that spiritual seekers rarely talk about openly—and more importantly, how to navigate them with grace. 

Number 1. The Comparison Trap: When Other People's Light Dims Your Own

We all have been there: scrolling through social media and seeing someone posting about their "life-changing" meditation retreat while we're struggling to sit still for five minutes? Or read about a teacher who achieved enlightenment at 25 while you're still wrestling with the same anxieties you had years ago? Welcome to the comparison trap—perhaps the most common pitfall on the spiritual journey. 

The Reality Check: Everyone's path unfolds differently. That person posting about their breakthrough may have been struggling silently for years before that moment. You don’t know how they live or how they feel. And it does not matter! Your journey isn't behind schedule; it's uniquely yours. 

The Practice: When comparison arises, pause and notice. I am comparing something incomparable. And it’s all in my mind: the image of me, the image of the other, and it’s the same mind that creates these images and then compares them. A lot of drama, but it’s all just thoughts and images. See that and let it be. It is not something to fight with, as you would give it more power, but rater notice it as it is and it dissolves. 

Number 2. Spiritual Bypassing: When Enlightenment Becomes Avoidance 

"I don't get angry anymore—I've transcended that emotion." "Everything happens for a reason, so I don't need to grieve this loss." "I'm sending love and light instead of setting boundaries." “There is no one here”, so I don’t need to look at my life, beliefs and old programs. Sound familiar? This is spiritual bypassing—using spiritual concepts to avoid dealing with human emotions and real-world challenges.

The Reality Check: True spirituality doesn't mean floating above human experience; it means diving deeper into it with awareness and compassion. Your anger, sadness, and frustration aren't obstacles to overcome, they're part of being human and all is allowed. 

The Practice: Next time you catch yourself spiritually bypassing, try this: "I notice I'm having a human experience right now, and that's perfectly okay." Feel the emotion fully, then ask what it's trying to tell you. Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is cry, set a boundary, or ask for help. 

Number 3. The Perfect Practice Myth: When More Becomes the Enemy of Enough 

Many seekers believe they need an elaborate morning routine, hours of meditation, or expensive retreats to make "real" progress. This perfectionist mindset often leads to all-or-nothing thinking: either you're doing it "right" or you're failing and there is something wrong with you. 

The Reality Check: The most profound transformations often come from simple, consistent practices. Sometimes it’s enough to take a deep breath, stop and listen. What is here right now? 

The Practice: Choose one simple practice you can do daily, even on your worst days. It might be three conscious breaths upon waking, expressing gratitude before meals, or taking a mindful walk. Consistency creates transformation, not complexity. 

Number 4. Information Overload: When Learning Becomes Another Form of Avoiding 

In our information-rich age, it's easy to become a spiritual consumer rather than a spiritual practitioner. We read endless books, attend workshops, and collect teachings like trophies, but somehow still feel empty. 

The Reality Check: Knowledge without practice is just spiritual entertainment. One teaching deeply integrated is worth more than a hundred concepts intellectually understood. 

The Practice: Can you live one day without reading or watching YouTube videos? Without guided meditations, energy transmissions, healings by other people and tune in into your own deeper wisdom? It’s already here waiting to be acknowledged. 

Number 5. The Ego's Spiritual Identity: When Seeking Becomes Another Way to Be Special

Sometimes our spiritual journey becomes another way for the ego to feel superior. We develop a "spiritual identity" that looks down on those who aren't as "evolved" or "awakened." We use spiritual language to justify judgment or create separation. And it may seem that being right is above being free. But is it? 

The Reality Check: True spiritual maturity often looks remarkably ordinary. The most awakened people you meet might never mention their practice. They're simply present, kind, and genuinely interested in others. They don’t brag, don’t call themselves awakened or enlightened, rather their presence speaks for itself and has a flavor of freedom and simplicity. 

The Practice: Notice when you feel spiritually superior or different from others. In those moments, remember that everyone is doing their best with their current level of awareness. The person who annoys you most might be your greatest teacher in disguise. See if you can thank them for a lesson and see what that lesson is for you in the moment. 

Number 6. Impatience with Results: When Transformation Feels Too Slow

We live in an instant-gratification culture, and unfortunately, we often bring this expectation to our spiritual practice. When we don't feel dramatically different after months of meditation or years of seeking, doubt creeps in. “I must be doing something wrong, because after all this time I should be feeling differently”. 

The Reality Check: Spiritual growth is more like tending a garden than flipping a switch. Most transformation happens so gradually that we don't notice it until we look back and realize how much we've changed. And you can see the change while looking back- some old ways have fallen away, same old situations feel different and you respond in a lighter way. 

The Practice: Keep a simple journal noting small shifts in your daily experience. Perhaps you didn't react as strongly to criticism, felt more comfortable in silence, or found compassion for someone who usually irritates you. These seemingly minor changes are actually profound victories. 

Moving Forward with Compassion 

The spiritual path isn't about becoming perfect; it's about becoming more fully human. Every struggle you face, every doubt that arises, every moment you feel like giving up -these aren't signs you're failing. They're simply part of the journey. 

What we call blocks are invitations in disguise. What feels like a trap is an emotion that is waiting to be felt. Remember, the very fact that you're aware of these struggles means you're already more conscious than most. Be patient with yourself. Be kind to your human experience. And trust that every step forward, no matter how small, is moving you toward the peace and wisdom you seek. The path isn't always easy, but it's always worth it. 

Write to me, I want to hear from you.

 Answer these questions: 

 Have you ever tried self-inquiry, if not, why not? 

 When it comes to awakening, what is your biggest struggle right now? 

 What is your biggest question that you would like me to address around awakening?

Direct Pointing Sessions on Video

Starting this Saturday watch recordings of Direct Pointing sessions and follow Jim’s journey of discovery. A new video will be released every Saturday for five weeks. Subscribe to the channel to get notified when a new part comes out. 

Jim came to the Liberation Unleashed forum and was open to share his process with everyone, just like people in Gateless Gatecrashers and Liberation Unleashed books. This is a self-inquiry on video, where I ask questions and Jim has to look and find answers by himself. You can use this video as a guide for you too. When a question is asked, before watching Jim’s reply, first answer it for yourself. 

Hope you enjoy this and if you find it helpful, share with your friends!

What Are You Looking For?

Do you often stop and evaluate, what is it that you are looking for precisely?

Seeking energy always wants something. Something else, than what is here. It needs to understand, to get, to achieve, to be heard, to be validated, etc. It’s a nonstop drive that is literally saying, what is here, what I have, what I am is not enough. And so we are on a carousel of trying to get something, to fix, to satisfy the thirst of seeking.

When you ask this question of yourself, what is the answer? What are you looking for in life?

The ultimate answer is peace. That’s like the last question after all the other questions have ceased. How to find inner peace in life? How to be at peace with yourself and others? How to be at rest, always? All the tensions and contractions want to release, naturally. But how to get there?

This peace, stillness, spaciousness, silence is always here underneath all turbulence. It takes noticing. It is here when you look AT it. Then looking for something else shifts to looking at this that is. The peace is found here, underneath all thinking and feeling- like a background in which all the waves of happenings are free to come and go. It's like diving deeply in the experience that is happening now and being aware of all the waves at the mind level and at the same time being aware of being aware. What is that knows of all the waves and peace?

Peace does not come and go. It’s here now, even this moment. What are you focusing on, what is attention landing on? Is it peace or tension? To get to peace, first, we need to meet that tension that is asking for our attention. Being aware of contracted energy, meeting it with respect and kindness, non-judgment, allowing, welcoming allows that contraction to self-release. And what is here when tension dissolves? Space. And peace is here when you are resting as that space. It is inside your own heart. There is also joy there, the joy of being, that’s is sweet and innocent. And that is available in every moment.

It takes a noticing and looking at what is presently here.

For more info on how I can assist you to find what you are looking for, please visit my website.
www.Ilonaciunaite.com

Enlightened Ego Trip

Yes, there are real masters, and they are rare and precious. But many people who present themselves as enlightened teachers—especially online—are not. Often they are people who have come to believe they are special, and that belief quietly takes over.

While in Mexico, I once encountered a particularly striking example. A man calling himself Swami Rajneesh had built a retreat center in the jungle called Ozen. Thousands of spiritual tourists passed through, searching for something. On the surface, there was music, yoga, festivals, and creative energy. Yet as I walked around the place, something felt off. White marble floors and chandeliers stood in the middle of the jungle. There were Japanese restaurants and star-shaped glass houses that felt strangely disconnected from their surroundings. The atmosphere carried a sense of excess and artificiality that was hard to ignore.

Then I met the “master.” Within minutes, he introduced himself to my husband and me as an enlightened being and made it clear he did not feel the need to explain himself. The conversation quickly became a monologue about his achievements and experiences. Around him, young devotees listened with total devotion, hanging on every word. The contrast between the claims and the palpable tension in the space was unsettling.

He spoke at length about his path, his years of silence, and his exceptional status. Yet there was no quietness around him, no ease. We later offered a meditation light we had brought, thinking it might interest the community. Before even understanding what it was, he dismissed it as dangerous. After trying it, he admitted it was impressive—but still showed no real openness or curiosity.

What stood out most was not the disagreement, but the atmosphere. Everything in the center required his approval. His presence dominated the space. It was clear that the structure revolved around him, and that unquestioned authority had taken root.

History is full of examples where strong personalities attract seekers. When someone repeatedly declares themselves enlightened, there will always be people willing to believe it. Many are genuinely longing for clarity, belonging, or relief from suffering. Over time, the most dangerous part can happen quietly: the teacher begins to believe their own story completely. That belief becomes harmful—not only to others, but to the person holding it.

There is a long and painful history of cults built around inflated spiritual identities. Some have ended in extreme tragedy. Even when they don’t, the cost can be high. People lose autonomy, discernment, and trust in their own experience. They pay dearly for becoming part of someone else’s unexamined sense of specialness.

...

I once had a close friend with whom I spent a lot of time talking online. Over the years, I witnessed her struggles, her patterns, and the ways unresolved childhood pain shaped her behavior. There was sincerity in her seeking, and also a deep confusion that had not yet been met.

Later, she began writing books and positioning herself as a spiritual authority, offering guidance on enlightenment. When we finally met in person, the contrast between the image she was trying to uphold and what was actually present became impossible to ignore. She wanted to teach, urgently, yet could not turn toward her own shadow. The tension between wanting to be someone important and feeling profoundly lost was overwhelming for her.

That meeting ended our friendship.

I stepped away not out of judgment, but because I could no longer support something that felt untrue and potentially harmful. What followed was painful — defensiveness, blame, and public justification framed as honesty and transparency. I did not engage. Leaving was the only honest response available to me.

She has followers now, people who admire her and reflect back the identity she is trying to maintain. This is not kindness. Supporting an inflated spiritual persona may feel generous, but it often deepens the very split that needs healing. When pain is bypassed through spiritual authority, it does not disappear — it waits.

Where there is a need for followers, humility quietly slips away. With that comes the pressure to maintain an image, to be consistent, to be admired. Underneath, there is often exhaustion and fear, held at a distance. Peace cannot grow there.

I no longer carry anger about this. I see how easy it is to confuse insight with embodiment, and recognition with completion. When the identity eventually collapses — as identities do — what remains may finally be free to meet what was avoided. Until then, distance is a form of care.

The Metaphor of Water

A Gift of Presence

Mind Movies

A closer look at the imagination and how we are constantly watching movies in the Mind Movie Theater, believing that the character on the screen is ME.

Deep Looking Testimonial

Here is a beautiful email I received after just one session of Deep Looking. Receiving such messages makes me even more inspired to do my work. I love seeing the transformation and witnessing your process of awakening to reality. Each session we go deeper and open up more. Whatever comes to be seen is welcomed and honored. I love to sit with you and share this Deep Looking tool. 

“Hi Ilona,

Thank you for the meeting yesterday, it was a very special experience, and so far the change in perception of reality is sticking and is similar to coming out of long Vipassana retreats.

Truly amazing how simply and beautifully this works, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I will try to keep this brief but from the heart of the exact experience as good as I can.

Yesterday evening after our meeting I felt very present in the body, and movements of hands and body were more coordinated than usual, and there was no feeling of having to rush anything, I moved slowly and elegantly with easy in mind and body. It seems like the before omnipresent stress sensation of always having to be somewhere else than here and now is somewhat diminished. I laid in bed before sleeping and felt the bedding and cushions wrap around me like never before, really noticing the sensations, the thoughts had less of a grip on "me" and I slept very well.

I woke up with a tiny smile this morning for the first time in a long time, and instead of my meditation routine, I decided to just be aware of sensations and try to communicate internally with anything that needed to be seen and noticed, loved and accepted.

I have been able to keep that awareness very much all day, and have had moments of butterfly feelings by just watching my daughter, and even just sitting quietly and looking at objects has at times today brought some interesting sensations that I have never noticed before.

Anger, irritability, and confusion has arisen in the belly today, has been acknowledged and loved and have disappeared again before sticking around as usual for long periods.

Everything in life seems now less urgent and has less meaning and tension around it, like the attachment to outcome is less. I went through my facebook feed and unfollowed a bunch of pages with "answers" to some of all my searching and had a feeling I really don't need that clutter anymore.

I also had feelings of more energy, and some restlessness came along with that, I sat with it and accepted that as well.

It feels like everything is the same everywhere around me, but the awareness has grown, and tension in the mind-body connections is less.. There is a growing joy in my being of feeling things and emotions more strongly, and feeling like being a part of life once again.

Tonight I will try some more Deep Looking and ask mind and heart of they are at peace, and see what answers come up - during my day today there has been more focus on raw sensations most of the day, not much inquiry about the messages the sensations bring with them.

I am trained in many modalities, healing, coaching, Chi-Kung etc etc (like most seekers probably) but I never felt the urge or interest in helping people with any of the techniques I have learned, it just seemed a little useless, like a band-aid on a big wound. I feel what I got from Deep Looking is completely different, and the only thing I would offer to anyone in the search for freedom.

I will be all ears and mentally noting how we go about with the process, and would love to learn more, and be able to guide people the way you have done with me, if that is okay with you of course?

Have a beautiful day

With heartfelt thanks and love”

Blind Spots

 A Short Story

Andrea and Danny, a married couple moved to Costa Rica three years ago. A good friend of theirs named Paul who had been friends with them for at least ten years was thinking about moving there too. He was invited to visit the couple to determine whether or not he would also move. They made an agreement that Paul would pay partial rent, and also help with the daily living while he stayed for three weeks in their apartment.

Andrea liked to have Paul around, he seemed like an honest and generous guy. He knew a lot about food. His cake was delicious. Paul cooked some vegan meals a few times and it was great to taste something new.

Danny introduced Paul to their friend and neighbor Valentina who lived in the same building, on the ground floor apartment. The four of them had some fun times together.

As it was, both Andrea and Danny had birthdays a couple of days apart and Paul kindly offered to buy them a present. He saw that they did not have a blender and while Andrea was at work, Paul and Danny went to the supermarket and bought one. When they got home and tried to start it, it did not work.

The next day, Andrea went with Paul to return the blender for a refund. He said he intended on buying another one.

Valentina had an idea to buy a birthday present too. She was using her blender every day and she thought her friends could use one. That day when Paul bought it, Valentina saw him coming home with the new blender. She thought that Paul had stolen her idea and got a blender for her friends.

The thing is, Paul did not buy another blender. He took the money back and forgot the whole birthday present idea. It seems that along with forgetting to buy another blender, he too forgot about the rent. He did some cooking and bought some food, but only once did Andrea and Danny not pay their share for the food.

While all this was happening, Paul was very confident and self-content with his own image of who he was. He took pride in how much he knew about food, what to eat and what not to eat. He watched some videos of a guy talking on YouTube. He was very attentive in teaching his friends how to eat and how to live.

One morning, after a week of Paul staying in the apartment, some friction happened between he and Danny. They threw some words at each other. Andrea overheard Paul say, “But, that’s not how I am. I am always paying for everything, I am a giving person,” which in his mind, was really true.

That morning, he wanted to go to explore another town on his own. He got in a taxi, took all his stuff with him, and left.

Danny and Andrea never heard from Paul again. Days went by. Paul showed no sign of wanting to communicate. He took a flight home without saying goodbye. The mysterious disappearance of an old friend left an uneasy feeling.

A few months passed by without any word from Paul. Andrea and Danny did not know what to think. They stayed quiet too.

One morning, Andrea was awakened by a horrible itch in the foot. “Not another mosquito!” These hungry bloodsuckers are one annoying thing about living in a hot country. She was bitten in a few places and could not sleep for a while. She tried to chase the mosquitos away and finally got one, right on her arm. A splash of fresh blood. Eventually, she drifted off to sleep again and had a dream. She was facing Paul and felt she had to say something very important and honest to him.

The day started slowly and Andrea was leaving the apartment to go to work. As she was walking down the stairs she noticed blood. There were a few drops of fresh blood that led to the apartment in the middle, below theirs. Then she heard Renny, Valentina’s thirteen-year-old daughter, calling her. She was in tears. Blood was dripping off her hand. Rennie was washing their blender and the glass broke. It cut her in two places, badly. Afraid and panicky, she went to the neighbor upstairs. Her mum was out at a gym, so the neighbour put a bandage on what appeared to be deep cuts that needed direct attention, and went to get Valentina. Andrea asked Rennie if there was anything she could help with and Renny said, “No.” Andrea hesitantly left for work.

When Andrea got home, during her lunch break, Danny began to tell her about Valentina messaging him about Rennie having stitches. Andrea then told Danny that she saw Rennie bleeding when she was headed back to work.

Being hungry, Andrea decided to get some take away food from around the corner. On the way out, she knocked on Valentina’s door to check on Rennie.

Surprise surprise, there he was, Paul. She saw him sitting on the sofa and smoking a cigarette. She had no idea that he had come back after nearly three months of not hearing one word from him.

“Hello, hello there,” she said. “I had a dream about you last night and here you are.”
“Here I am,” said Paul.

Paul showed up at the door just a couple of minutes after Valentina got home from the gym and organized a taxi to take her daughter to a hospital.

Andrea asked Paul if he was going to come upstairs to visit and Paul said, “Yes, yes.” Andrea told him that they didn’t even understand what had happened, why he left like that without saying goodbye. Paul told her, “Mm, eh, things happen, you know, and now we are in the same country, so we will meet and talk.”

Andrea felt awkward because Paul was seeing their friend in the same building and did not even have a wish to come upstairs.

Suddenly Andrea remembered the dream. In the dream, she was looking Paul in the eye and heard herself saying these words:
“Awareness sometimes has blind spots, we do not see clearly. You have a very nice image of yourself, but you do not see that it is just an image, it is not real.”

We all walk around with our images about people and situations, colored with our judgments of right and wrong. We carry our own image as the most precious thing and those that challenge that perfect image become a threat to our identity.

An image is just that — a mind created story.

We all fail sometimes and that is how we grow. Failing is an opening, an opportunity to start fresh, to clear old ideas and look for more authentic and honest connections. But admitting failure requires honesty and courage. The image of perfection cannot take that blow.

Without the image of “a perfect me”, there is not so much to be proud of. To wake up to the real you need to see that all images, that you have about yourself, are not you.

What Are You Looking For?

Resistance

Another look at resistance. I have to say, that every time I had to write about resistance, an article, or a reply to a question on LU forum, resistance was playing its part. I mean that it felt like some kind of mysterious force holding something up. Even with this video, it took me a long time to get it uploaded, as the internet connection was playing up.

We all feel resistance sometimes and it can be like a blind spot. How to get rid of that unwanted resistance?

What if resistance is really a friend?

Sometimes just seeing it in a different light can change the whole show.

From Seeking To Seeing

I was a seeker once. I was looking for something. I did not know what that was, but I had heard stories about enlightenment, awakening, constant bliss—I wanted that. I knew that where I was at the time wasn’t it. I had an urge to find out what the holy grail was that would make my life better in every way.

Somebody once asked me straight, “What are you looking for?” And I replied, “Enlightenment.” Did I find that? No, but I am not looking for it anymore. I stopped chasing ideas and found something else instead: peace. Not in a way that everything is quiet and slow, but in a way that there is much less internal narration about what is “not enough.” Everything is just fine. There is no more judgment of good versus bad, no more fight of good versus evil. There is a silence of mind that is much more delightful than fighting what is.

The seeking pattern has stopped running. The drive that was here before, trying to get/achieve/improve something, is now absent. There is openness instead, a spaciousness that allows all happenings to pass without internal friction. If I get annoyed, which I still do, it lasts only a short time and gets resolved quickly.

Seeking is a form of striving energy that wants to get somewhere. This, here and now, is not what it wants. There is something else to get so that the tension will cease. But it does not cease; it only takes small breaks. The “happy tomorrow” does not arrive; it feels like you are trapped in an unwanted time and place, a prison that has no doors. The seeking continues. New books, videos, talks, gurus—they all seem to have something desirable, yet not achievable. How to get off of the seeking merry-go-round?

There is a flip from seeking to seeing, and it is not what the mind thinks. It is not about making something external change so that I will feel more comfortable; it’s internal. The energy that feels intense wants to be felt—fully, openly, purely felt. When we look at what seeking itself is, rather than toward the direction of where our attention is going, seeking can be seen as a mechanism, a pattern, a strong energy. Observing it with conscious awareness, recognizing it, and then feeling the sensation melts it like a sun melts a cube of ice.

So, if you are looking for something, stop for a minute and feel the sensation that is driving the search. This sensation is here, and it does not matter so much why it is here, or who put ideas of “not enough” in the mind. What matters is that this sensation is recognized and fully felt. Seeking for flips to looking at. Once the energy is allowed to be fully present and embraced, the mind becomes relaxed, spacious, soft; it no longer feels the tension.

Try this exercise. Feel the sensation of “not enough.” Feel the sensation of lack. This sensation has a location in the body. Observe it. Allow it. Let it be as it is for a minute or two. Don’t think about what should be different or how much you dislike it; just feel it as it is. Be honest with your own feeling. Be curious about the sensation. Let it enfold you fully, even if it is intense. What is behind it?

Doing this a few times a day may feel like practice. But it’s worth it to remember and engage with this, because the more you become honest with the feelings that are arising—the more you look at what is—the less there is striving for something else. It’s a focus shift from seeking to seeing; all it takes is a conscious look at what is actually happening here and now. The mind can find peace, and that’s the end of the seeking pattern. Then a whole new world opens up—the one that was always here, always present, but was ignored or unnoticed, because of that constant nagging feeling of it not being enough. Thoughts stop running wild; there is more spaciousness felt. There is ease and lightness.

Seeking ends, but exploration continues. And exploration is a different kind of energy—it has a sense of wonder, curiosity, playfulness, and childish innocence. There is no more striving to get out of an unwanted situation, but rather resting in the situation that is neither wanted or unwanted but simply is.

The Competition For The Best Identity

At the meeting, they all sat in a circle. It was a competition for the best identity and who owns it.

‘Ok, I will start,’ the first man spoke. ‘I am a breather. I breathe. I am born to be a breather and I do that very skilfully. Look!’ He inhales and exhales through the nose.

Everybody applauds as the man demonstrates his skill.

‘And I am a writer. I write a lot and I published 25 books,’ The guy on the right introduces himself. ‘My books are about how to be an excellent writer. I have been a writer for 33 years. Ever since I was a kid I started to write. First, there were short stories, then novels, now it’s technical stuff about how to be the best writer. I write a lot. I live for writing.’

This guy got applause too and then the woman next to him spoke:

‘Hi everybody, I am a dancer. I dance at a cabaret and I love it.’

‘I am an eater. I eat everything my wife cooks. I can eat a lot. It’s really great that she likes cooking. She is a real cooking pro too. I live for eating and if I would not eat I would die. So I keep doing what I do the best- eat to stay alive.’ He looks proud of his big belly and he is definitely alive.

The next guy introduced himself as a listener, he did not say much, the woman next to him was a knitter and her daughter said, she was a dreamer. Apparently, her dreams were so beautiful, she could not wait every day for the night to fall asleep.

And the last man said he was a thinker. He was thinking thoughts non stop all day long. He was so proud to be a thinker, as it’s not so easy, you know, to think. It’s not like breathing, right. Either you are conscious of it or not, the breathing is still going on. It’s not so complicated, just inhale and exhale. Thinking, on the other hand, was an art, just like dancing or painting, not everyone could do it skillfully.

After the introductions, everyone sat quietly for five minutes. The dancer started to speak.

‘Being a dancer is so much fun. I hear the music and let the body move in rhythm. It’s almost like I don’t need to do anything, the body moves, the dance is spontaneous creation which has a form of its own. I am a great dancer!’ She shows some moves and everyone applauds.

‘I know what you mean,’ said the breather. It’s like this breath here is going on whether I am conscious of it or not, but hey, once I’m aware that I am breathing it’s a whole different thing. I am such a good breather. I have never missed my step. Always in and out. In and out. I am a breather all day long and at night it goes on automatic. I’m not sure how that works, but breathing is on automatic while I sleep!’

‘I think,’ said the thinker, ‘I have the most difficult task- thinking thoughts is not a joke. I have to be always aware of what thoughts I am thinking because if I am not aware if I don’t focus all my attention on thinking, thoughts are not going to come. I am a philosopher, you see, it’s hard work to be constantly thinking right thoughts. And I have no time at all to rest. This work takes all my energy and attention. I can’t let thoughts to just come by itself, like this breather dude. My work is mental! I put 99% of attention and effort on making thoughts appear. If I stop thinking just for a second, I don't even know if I exist.

Everybody applauds the thinker and agrees that to be constantly thinking is indeed a very hard work.

The listener was just sitting and listening. He did not say a word, he was so absorbed in his task. He wasn’t even blinking, just looking at people with eyes and ears wide open. It seemed like a very difficult task too but he was handling that very well.

The knitter reached out into her bag and pulled out a half knit sleeve of some blouse. It was pink and fluffy, matching a bow in her hair. She was concentrating on her work and did not see or hear anyone in the room, it seemed that the pattern was very complicated, so the knitter was totally lost in her work, which just demonstrated how true she was to being the knitter.

The eater was irritated, he could not sit still in his chair as he had nothing to eat. He just finished his sandwich that wife packed for him before the meeting started and now was waiting impatiently for the next bite. He was looking at a watch frequently, perhaps lunch time was coming soon.

And the dreamer explained how she does not need to do anything to dream. Dreams just come. No control. Miraculously dreaming is just happening. And it’s very pleasant and easy. It’s just a bit too long from waking up till the time for bed. She could not demonstrate her ability in this circle, but she assured everyone she was a good dreamer.

So who wins the competition for the best identity?

The thinker, of course!

Why? Because even though we breathe, dance, listen, write, and do other stuff, only the thinker says, I think, therefore I exist. We don’t say, I breathe therefore I exist, or I listen, or I eat. We say, I think. It appears that thinking is not going on naturally, like let’s say we hear sounds effortlessly, or see colors that simply are here. The thoughts are something that the thinker has to do, otherwise, they would not come! Or so he thinks.

What’s your identity that you have to own in order to exist? What is that you are underneath all labels?

Do you agree that thinker is The Greatest Identity worthy of winning the best identity competition? Maybe there are better ones, like doer, lover, teacher, seeker?

Write in comments!