Saturday, 11 January 2014

There Is Nothing Now That Needs Be Held Onto...

Hello Ilona and thank you for your ongoing love in offering to guide those who ask.

I'm not sure how much background you require but I'll just write what comes up and you can discard almost all of it!

I haven't any history of meditation, eastern teachings or any non-dual, non-self or unity consciousness philosophy which some of the people in your book used previously and which gave them a language of expression of these things. It's been rather more 'felt' in me than spoken or practiced. I purposely am not reading any more from those examples so you can hear behind the words I use here.

The seeming guidance within has always asked me/the mind to stay away from much to do with 'spiritual teaching' and has just led in simplicity to ask to trust a tangible presence moment by moment. Maybe nature has taught me, and much time alone also. Just being here. The only books I have been 'allowed' (that sounds so funny!) to pick up, read and contemplate have been The Power of Now which immediately dropped itself, A Course in Miracles and a couple of related books (love the language and symbolism) then Jed McKenna’s and yours. Words just immediately disappear (don't stick) and I don't often remember 'books' because most comes within without words.

I've been also guided to stay away from spiritual groups/seekers. Most 'spiritual' writing even the poetry which I know many love like Rumi or other mystics just puts me off, isn't enough, seems insipid, a shallower level where there's not much to find, although in teenage the poetry of St John of the Cross did really keep me going through a very dark night. In fact his one Dark Night poem probably gave this mind everything it needed to know to go forth without letting anything stick to it.

I am 38 and have not ever been able to discover a want for anything from 'this life' (and I've looked) but to forget the strange enchanted dream of specialness and return to the All recalled which seems life lived without constricting ideas of a self. Nothing changed outwardly just everything once perceived through the I now known fluidly as it is in it's truly joined alive and alove nature. Most of the experience I have is of this (like I'm at my destination not noticing the automatic driving which happened to get there) and is exquisite with a serene calm of feeling all is always well and unfolding perfectly at all times, getting better and better, enlarging more fully every moment, whether 'I let it' or not makes no difference. There is so much love and providence/perfection in all moments, even through times such as a very long, disabling illness and my husband dying last year. All moments are all the same whether they look different or not. I feel it's all in one mind and where else have I to go but this? I disappear.

But I come to you at a point Ilona where there is some unusual appearance of intellectualising going on since I met some spiritual seekers last year. It was my first time out in the world in that way. They shocked me (or shock happened!) in their questions about things that 'I' have just taken for granted and have never 'thought' about on the level they were thinking/clinging to thought. They treated/treat me like someone who has it all, has gone all the way, when I never bothered to seek that. (Because the 'person' can't get itself 'enlightened' I didn't waste my time trying to get it to be, just dropped the notion of that impossibility that life/God/us could be more than it is.) So confusion happened with trying to put things in words when asked to explain what can only be felt and known. There's still confusion arising although I'm not distressed about it and trust it, thank it for being there. There's some further to go that it showed up.

Many feel an unusual release of joy/peace (for want of better words) when in contact with me and want to know, want explanations etc. Want me to talk. This sort of thing has happened as a pattern throughout the public times of my life; being wanted, occasionally clung to as if they desire to join to 'my' root system. I let them feel what they want for a moment, thinking we're different, but then they quickly see their own ability. But there is a part of me which finds the actual physical attention difficult and confusing, whilst another just letting it be. I feel there's nothing here that they attach to. But doubt comes in. Could I be doing something more to be of service? Do I need to know what is happening? The guidance laughs and says no. There is still that asking, that query though.
Expectation of what 'I B' would gain from guidance from 'you Ilona.' It feels that thought is nothing and nowhere. There is no expectation, want, desire or feeling that there is any lack here or anything to gain there. Nothing to construct, deconstruct or finish, so even whilst I have written that there is touch of present confusion, maybe a bit left until a 'done moment' I do so without minding/caring about it an iota. Nothing need change. I am not chasing or seeking a thing. I am content to the extent the thought of bliss, peace, everlasting love, 'peace on earth' for everyone etc doesn't interest me as particular phenomenon. What Is Is. There's nothing to seek from a personally experienced phenomena and I am always so unutterably grateful and relieved at that thought. So there is purely a strong drawing to you right now. A happy inner feeling to make your acquaintance and have a conversation with you. I think I'm here to enjoy you and the looking you will help in. The only Christmas present!

I ask myself again. What do I ask from corresponding with you? Maybe it's to make sure that there is no denial of truth going on through intellectualising and that you will correct me if there is? Even that is a me putting a name to it when I'm not that bothered. I don't believe in sin/untruth/mistakes. What else can be said? Asking you just happened before I knew it, as almost everything does, it surprised me. There was immense immersed gratitude for you and Elena and the other people writing...and then the asking. It's just the way it is going and it's that simple beauty which loves itself and is appreciated without any notions of desiring anything but more of 'this' unfolding by itself. 'B' tags along like a devoted puppy. Don't know why. Do you still feel yourself, the personality around as 'a pet' or a strange phenomenon observed?

Now I am looking and looking for any hidden denial about 'wanting' anything from you or feeling at a loss, but for a long time here can only find a smiling back up at me, like a field of daisies. I look under the smiling flowers. Is there anything else? It just says 'Ask help to check and see!' So what there feels like is a basic extreme contentment, a providence of unseen beyond experience graceful proportions and feeling of a flying flow upon which there is rest. Moments of human anxiety/pondering come up in life (for example my house is being sold by executors since my husband has died and I'm trusting I'll be led where to go and what to do) but I notice everything coming up leads to more unfolding (passionate) good even if it can't be seen right at the moment it arises, it is very soon after. I feel like a queen.

Maybe as I write a bit here about parts of my 'journey' you will intuit what I am asking for clarity here on this level about. I feel everything here 'experienced' is deja vue, an effect of a decision before an I, but there's also a feeling of a more consistent WHOLE from an accustomed deeper level of dwelling far beyond 'B' just waiting to arise 100% wholly consistently into an (wholly embodied? Is that what I'm trying to say?) 'experience.' I was willing to have it known beyond dualistic experience before. Perhaps now I ask to have it on every single level.

A few bits of 'journey' (which may be useful or not! Do skip if not!)
I experienced 'B' my'self' as a highly conscious baby. It felt like an already personalised mind watching who was also experiencing mystic union phenomena on other levels. There was both the joining known (i felt aware of 'God') and the separation witnessed, which was witnessed as a decision or a want playing out. Like a child begs for a fairground ride and the parent humours them, smiling. I remember the first time I watched the 'me' identification come in though thought and emotion as a tiny baby. Then opinion and judgement followed a few months later. It was agony and a massive trauma for the me! But it was observed too from most of the mind and not ever taken as wholly real for there for it also knew where it really was. It knew nothing specialised was the truth or relevant but it still seemed to suffer hugely personally on an illusory level. Suffer from witnessing through it's own thought structure which it seemingly couldn't stop (arghhh!) There was much joy but paradoxically incredibly sensitive suffering from the specific specks of 'I' dust that seemed to get in the way of the abstract Light! It, the 'I' tried to stop them and so made them seem real! There wouldn't be any dream of me if I hadn't fought something unreal! I don't know if this is what meditators feel..

When I started school a mantra came in my mind as I came into contact with people trying to get me to 'live' in a particular linear, non-flowing non-abstract way. 'If I can think a thing it must be wrong.' It developed immediately into questioning everything and not trusting ego interpretation of any 'experience' whatsoever, including dualistically 'spiritual', feeling it was a purposeful distraction to the One Life which flowed and was beyond just the level of 'experience.'
Even though the 'I' saw everything which happened always seem to be deja vue 'perfect' (for it felt it was a dualistic script replaying that it knew well and had decided to be ok with) there was still superficial ironic self-torture as the child mind tried to eradicate the 'distraction' of the 'me in the script.' It quite consciously worked hard to maintain itself because it was fearful of 'leaving' its parents who loved it. I always felt this was so inconsistent but a voice within kept saying, 'It's all done. Just trust. Do nothing. I'll do everything.' So I left the unfolding to that.

Also paradoxically, there was joining happening within but outwardly I found it hard to 'join in' as a human in the usual way which seemed driven through personality intention/desire/want/fear/survival etc. I couldn't find any wants in life to energise or engage in a life story. Couldn't conjure any energy for that. There was a felt calling to be a 'healer of minds not bodies' which happened once. (Definitely knew it didn't want to 'heal' or change anything visceral.) That was practically the only definite moment of feeling a 'desire' that I've ever had or witnessed. It took place at 6 months old underneath a statue of Jesus as a (happy!) 'Christ the Healer' with arms outstretched in welcome and joy! I haven't felt the identity has been 'fed' ever since but even then it wasn't to do with a me. There's nothing to feed. It was just the only moment there's been a yes. This is what this one is here for if anything.

I have seen bodies and this body as non restrictive to the light/life flowing through all things as one. They are nothing special. But there has been a struggle of ideas about personal physical energy and grounded-ness throughout my life. Then an extremely severe paralysing illness which kept me completely isolated until the past year when years of rehabilitation from my amazing late husband led me back out into the world, almost at his death. I still find with amusement that the mind constantly judges that my physical energy/ability is insufficient for requirements here even whilst feeling an extremely powerful and constant angelic sensation of different levels of light and 'energy' which I'd describe as just the beauty of beingness which lives itself the only life there is. Every moment is felt to be 'led' by this 'light' whatever the 'body' is experiencing. Why there is still that superficial habit of body-energy judgement going on is something to question for I'm not unhappy with what its judging.

The 'I' also still questions the use of communication through the body even whilst deeply enjoying the world of form like the most exquisite work of art ever. It feels the job is limitless appreciation, that's the only thing I do well. I have no work and no skills although people come to me. So there is still confusion about how to be in this world physically, within a mystic state or two, even though it just happens. There's also been a peculiar form of shyness Ilona. Soul shyness? No attention has been wanted personally whatsoever. The mind felt invisibly abstract for years. Got offered a place as a nun but turned it down as knew it would be too easy and there would be no development in that situation. I'd done solitude and isolation. That part was done but I still question whether there is any denial to look at further, which that not-wanting-any-attention purposefully covers up. The zeal says, I want nothing left undone.

Is that ok? I'm conscious this is probably far more than you need to know! Anyway that's what has been written today. I send you it unedited if you don't mind (please see all! I have no shame for know you love!) and also unedited, hugely smiling love and gratitude.
Thank you.

Hi B,

Thank you for beautiful email. It was real pleasure to read. I had a huge smile on my face all the way through reading it. It just happens, you send a message to say hello and see what happens next. You sound very clear and perhaps the only thing you seek is a connection. Or maybe the want to help others on their journey.

I don't think you need my help at all, but we can be friends.

I always was a loner too and communities never appealed to me, until somehow LU emerged. It's such a wonderful place to share and connect with other characters. You are very welcome to join, if you wish so.

We usually ask some questions and see if there are any sticky points, if you would like to answer them, let me know. :)

Sending love.

Dear Ilona, thank you. Thank you for being pleasured by reading that email....which makes me smile too for I felt it was a bit of a strange one and rather wordy to be pleasurable!

There is such a glow when I am aware of you and I am sincerely grateful for your response, although not sure if I am as clear as Clarity. But that doesn't matter. I'd love to be friends...

Yes, probably connection is now being sought, an attraction to like minds. And yes, a looking into whether there is something here for others and how to let it be and do it's thing without interference. There's learning happening there. How to let what seems assistance be.

I'm not sure if I could 'commit' to a forum if that makes sense. I tried once before and totally forgot to look at it or post there. Emails ping at me which is how I remember them! I will just let the thought about the forum be and wait to see if I'm drawn there. To me it's not a small investment, for Love is maximal in it like everything else. I couldn't not give all there. But all is here now so whether it wants to spill, coalesce and have fun intermingling in LU is it's business. It always knows best.

With the gracious love of Love boomeranging back to you and many smiles across the miles...
(actually not that many miles...)

Hi B,
Sorry about delay with answer, all this Christmas thing got in a way of my routine.. Hope you had great celebrations. :)

I'd love to invite you to Facebook groups, if you are after connections and meeting other characters. We usually ask some questions and see if there are any sticky points that can be worked through. Would you like to answer them?

Have a great day,
Much love.

Hi Ilona,

I trust Christmas was as lovely for us as every other day, but yes, it was truly sweet thank you. I hope you've enjoyed it too!

Yes, I will answer any questions on Facebook groups although have looked since we spoke and really can't find any 'intention' anywhere (for more connection or anything else) or any, 'fish in my sea' (I go out fishing even when I'm fully stocked up...) But despite that yes, because everyone is loving and I appreciate any invitation to have joy and gratitude in each other.

Much love from here too x

Happy new year to you B!
I have enjoyed the celebrations; it was great time :) hope you too.

Here are some questions, take your time, just write what feels true and in full.

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

5) Do you decide, intend, choose, control events in Life? Do you make anything happen? Give examples from your experience.

6) Anything to add?

Looking forward to hear from you.
Much love.

Hi Ilona! I'm glad you've had a great time and enjoyed everything.
Yes it has also been very lovely here, a gentle, sweet, very happy time with friends and at home, and I'm still very much enjoying all the holiday atmosphere around in the air.

And a very happy and beautiful new year to you too.

Thanks for the questions. I think I know now why I contacted you. Purely for more enjoyment of all life is. I glanced at the questions and felt, 'Great. Fun!' I have found two exquisite chocolates and a cup of tea so I happily sit down to see what comes up.

1) and 2)
No. There has never been an I, me, you, self, personal volition or any 'thing' separate on any level whatsoever. (And no hidden levels where the apparent 'darkness' of denial could form something unreal to be real.)

There is nothing of a self here in any way to be seen or experienced in form, word, belief or deed. There is only a belief system of meaningless thought which 'plays' with the 'idea' of it. But a belief or system of labelling cannot be made into form, only perceived as influencing such. This is 'it's' only purpose. To appear to 'influence' to name, to occlude by focusing on a specific name rather than the fact of existence itself. It's momentum comes from a belief which has no basis but a 'what if' idea! It seems (in my experience) to be an innocent idea/purpose because it is a misunderstanding which is shown to never had any harmful effects...just child's I will not judge it has hurt a 'me' or a 'you' or left anyone or anything out in its false appraisals.

So occlusion using the idea of a separate I has no purpose, power or function in reality, and once seen is shown to have (joyfully!) never interfered in What Is Always. We are joined in innocence, understanding and in every gift of Life and Love. We are not our bodies or separate entities in thought, heart or mind, but dwell in freedom and enjoyment together. We are here for mutual gain in and through our shared capacity for the freedom of Reality, and the Joy which comes from delighting in our Oneness. Without the belief in an I we recognize all we are here to do is receive ourselves through the purity of our being, love and adore.

To me then, experiencing separate bodies, thoughts and feelings can be utilised for utter joy in play. It is in that play through apparent differences that multiplicity easily and breathlessly is transformed into the dynamic art and movement of Heaven.

3) I suppose I've seen it for most of my life but until recently as I entered the physical world did not know that 'others' didn't, or that the dynamic 'living' in me was in more awareness of freedom than I'd ever bothered to 'think about' or even notice. That was the shock, and why it's been delightful and very useful to talk with you. There is now a feeling of increased freedom. The using of language for a useful while, as oppose to communication from an abstract inner landscape has helped the persona feel more comfortable about being in the world in a particular, language based, physical, noticed, commented upon way. I believe Ilona that there is now a freeing up of letting 'B' be to an even greater extent. But it is subtle, for it was always happening and you are more evidence of that. It was already 'there' in terms of expansion with no restriction but now, daily now, has more and more evidence of play and play and play! B was always free but now is even more free to be. There is nothing now that needs be held onto...

4) a bit that 'pushes over' is always viewed as a prior decision that was made, with this in present awareness being the 'effect' which is now seen on this level and available for comment! But within here the effect of 'change' always and only solely reminds of the decision. Not of personal volition but of grace which could be spoken of as the moment it was ripe the fruit fell.

5) No thank goodness! There is no personal volition or this really would be Hell!!
There is no Hell only an ever extending Providence which flawlessly directs all and holds all in its loving embrace. I trust it. Or rather. What I am is Trust. I am gratitude. I am the effect of that abiding Love. There is nothing but Love and it's reception. I am the space in which Love receives itself. 'My' life is a moment by moment series of gratitude for what is occurring in Eternity, not just the instant now, but for always and for all. I feel guided, almost 'told' what to do/say every moment as a persona. I never make anything happen for happening just happens and it always shows itself as wholly trustworthy and for the good of all. Good of all the I could never work out by itself. Good to raise all and free all, at once in endless symmetry of pure genius!
I do not make decisions intellectually for they are shown to have occurred within on the Foundational level where the trust is trusting. Thoughts are noted to be a specific commentary for a mistaken idea that being asleep to the now brings 'rest' and they are nothing to do with Love or Life itself. But they are not judged because they are residing within innocence even if what they are is not true. The pure in heart are those not without thought but without a thought to judge thought. I live and have only ever been residing in a flow where Grace is the only volition possible and where boundless trust takes me further and further into delicious adventure, and what may be regarded on one level as miracles every day. However, to me, everything is the same and has no additional virtue than what it already Is, in itself. Love is All we Are and 'Life' is a watching of an expression of the Effect of Love upon the innocent heart of God.

6) Yes. Thank you my dear friend and beautiful voice for that Love for providing this opportunity to share. There had been a moment of feeling really flummoxed by the way 'spiritual' thought was twisting itself up in knots in the world, and there were questions whether I 'should' be relating to those apparently doing so in this one's accustomed way. A way of tremendous and very much apparent joy and delight in them and light-hearted carelessness about 'enlightenment.' There was wondering the best way to serve and be amongst. This has seamlessly and rapidly answered the queries within me to just continue to let the person of B go free as it experiences itself to be, in conjunction with the stars and lights it is meeting, and to continue to blaze with joy whatever they seem to do or react to. To not halter the expression coming out is I suppose what is being said and experienced. For a moment, there was wondering how it had come to this, and how to continue but I am answered thank you.

So you have been the symbol to affirm that endless ability for freedom and love, in whatever expression comes forth, through this persona and with all. No friction, no restriction, just let the river become the falls and flow. I'm ready now to go out into the physical world in whatever way Love shall direct itself this moment.

In celebration with you and all. Thank you from our heart Ilona. Thank you very very much for the space of love to be.

In bee-ing blessings xxx

Hi B,

Thank you for lovely answers. :)
I'd like you to clarify the question 4, just write simply of what was happening prior realisation, what happened, what were your first thoughts after it was seen, in other words, what exactly was the tipping point. Can you describe the moment when the "fruit fell". I know it's a story, but give it a shot.

Your current answer contradicts with answer 5.

Sending lots of love..

I will give it a shot! It may have happened quite a while ago and so not the easiest to recall as a lot of fruit dropped before there was language or words or thought during a long illness. Maybe that was why there was a fascination occurring when reading your book? that people do this through direct pointing and words. This is just the beginning though.
But thanks for asking for more clarity here for I'm finding a desire to go back and notice properly what happened through the story. Thanks Ilona.

Prior: everything was in relation to an 'I' and seemed to be judged and labeled by it, which was thought then to be real and 'me' doing stuff, being 'alive' here. It seemed very serious and seeking and efforting to keep a personal sense of self going. There was then a recognition of the fruitlessness of any sort of quest for what was felt that already was. But there was also 'pain' occurring as the 'I' tried to 'get rid of' itself even whilst being terrified there would be only annihilation.

What happened/tipping point: After a deal of searching for it (in order to find it and 'end' it as the 'source' of the pain) there was one day just the seeing that it was not there and never had been there to either find or eradicate. There was the seeing that there never had been any personal volition happening prior. That everything had happened on its own and was continuing to do so just as it always had done, just without a label. It seemed no big deal not to find an I, no great surprise, just a very natural finding. The thought was just dropped and then there was huge, immediate relief, peace and rest and beautiful physical relaxation and expansiveness happening. Any guilt disappeared and was not found again for spacious innocence was seen to be happening in all things, including what I had thought 'I'd been.' After the I was seen through as only a label it then seemed the first breath was taken, except it always had been breathing itself, so no difference. That was the best thing. No difference. I don't remember when this was Ilona but it was sometime during the long illness my brain was in and where I couldn't think, so there wasn't a putting words to it until the past few weeks. It still seems a strange thing to do but its happening so I'm going with it.

Can I describe it more? Before: unease, pushing, seeking, effort, friction, confusion. After, ease, release, freedom, indefinite expansion, blue skies, space, light, senses observed/transformed as if they were now open to daylight, to hear, see, smell, taste, touch for the first time without limitation, but life was observed as exactly the same as before, just arising of itself.
The persona immediately felt to expand as the universe and free to be enjoyment. Now, no lack anywhere, in anything. All was always All for All and always had been.

First feelings? Like flying. Airy, light, free, liberated in all space and time, beyond the body. beyond the stars. Don't know if I had that many thoughts for a long while. Might have after a time started to think but initially maybe just felt that everything was/is the same and of immortal stuff which is unlimited, always together and that no 'history' had ever happened that was not liberated throughout. Tis not the easiest thing to put this into words but there's my go.

With thanks x

Lovely description, B, I see that you see! Delightful.. Much love felt here!

Would it be ok with you to post our conversation on my blog, for others to read? I can use your name, initial or any other name you prefer and take out any personal details if you wish so. This way I can ask other guides to look read and see if they have any other questions, if not, I would invite you to LU groups. There is great support, if needed and many new friends to share with.

Sending love!

Much love to you too lovely Ilona!

Yes, that's ok although yes do edit out any unnecessary personal details if they are not useful. Could you also use the initials J B or just B for my name as my late husband's name for me was always, 'Just be' and it always has me in a laughing smile. X

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