Marked, Eternal: January 2014

Sunday, 19 January 2014

Friedrich: Feels Like Freedom

Frederich
Dear Ilona –

I have your email from your book “The Gateless Gatecrashers” – which I haven’t read (so far) – I’m tired of reading

So, I signed in to your website, and got tired of reading through all the instructions …

I learned from you since your short time with Robert’s “Busting Loose”, and we had some short interactions on Facebook –

ALTHOUGH, it would seem that “I” have a “clear” understanding that there isn’t really any “me” – the SENSE of it, is still rather strong!

So, CLEARLY, clear seeing hasn’t happened – yet –

But, hopefully, the time is ripe for it –

So please, let me know if we can communicate through this medium, or if we would have to do it through your forum!

Thanks for reading!

Frederich

Ilona

11/24/13

Hi Frederich,

Thank you for message, it's great to hear from you.

Yes, we can communicate through this medium and it would be my pleasure to have a chat with you.

Here are some questions for you to ponder:

Focus on sense of me. What is it? Where is it? Is it sense of being / aliveness, or sense of me? Does that sense disappear if it's labelled differently, let's say, broccoli?

Is sense of being happening to you? Or as you? Is there you in the sense or only in thought? Without thought does sense of being disappear?

Is sense of being personal? Is there anything that is doing being, that can switch it on or off?

Describe what you notice.

Sending love.

Friedrich

11/24/13

Dear Ilona–

Wow! That’s so great! – Thank you!

The “sense of me” is definitely lessening, just since I wrote you the first email yesterday, and read the first chapter of your book – even to a point where the question arose “why the heck did I write her so desperately yesterday? It’s really no big deal!” – Or, is that just a “strategy to avoid the seeing of no me?!” – We will see.

There is experienced a rather hard time to find a “sense of me” – it seems to be a rather something showing up, appearing and disappearing as a temporary “thing” of what is – when it appears to appear, then it is sensed “surrounding/including” the body – AND, there is DEFINITELY also a sense of being/aliveness, which is “just here” quietly – “simply present” – if the “sense of me” is labeled “broccoli”, then it doesn’t feel anymore something “personal”, but just as a “thing” – neutral – and more space is experienced –

No, definitely, a “sense of being” ISN’T happening “to me” but IS “me”! WITHOUT thinking/thought, there is definitely “only” isness – being – (just so that it lasts only a fraction of a second, and all thoughts are back!) – And no; the sense of being ISN’T personal – it’s simply something “that is” – and, IN A WAY, it would feel like this “sense of being” would be, sort of, the REAL “me”– and NO: there ISN’T ANYTHING doing being – being is simply what is – UNLESS, for whatever reasons, there seems to be a “sucking in” to happen, an identification with thoughts, emotions and sensations, with story, and the aliveness seems gone, and eternal hell seems back … – okay; when I wrote “for whatever reasons”, that wasn’t completely accurate: MOST of the times, it is triggered by some “outside” event – this unit called Friedrich had been built with the rather intolerant character, which makes it almost impossible to live together with other people – add to that a paralyzes from the neck downwards since over 34 years, and the last five years having to lay for the most time in bed due to some very resistant bedsores in both of its buttocks, and you get an idea of how “perfectly” it is all scripted! LOL! I mean it’s like “CHANGE OR DIE/SUFFER!” – OR: realize your true nature, will keep suffering!

Thank you for your willingness to support me on this adventure, and to dedicate some of your time to this non-existent “me”! Or, more accurate yet, to the busting of the non-existent “me”!

Friedrich

11/28/13

Ilona – knowing how committed you are to support others in seeing clearly, and having no answer from you yet, I suspect that maybe, for whatever reasons, you are not getting my emails – so, and sending it here again, hoping that this time it will land in your mailbox! Thank you.

Ilona

11/29/13

Hi Friedrich,

Thank you for emails, indeed your email got lost and it's good that you sent it again yesterday. I normally reply in a day or two. If I'd don't, it's either I'm very busy or something did not reach me.

You can write to me everyday, this way mind gets to focus and clarifies what is going on. This process is yours, so just write what you notice, what is going on, even if I don't reply every email.

..........

What you wrote about being rings true. Yes, being just is. sense of me is not constant. It arises and passes away, within situations. Sense of me is not even a sense of me, but a contraction + labels that say it is me.

For a day examine the language and how it is constructed. We have a subject/object - doing action.

Notice- I breathe - does that make I the breather or it is a way to describe breathing happening here?

I lay in bed- is it I that is laying?

Computer sits on a table- is there computer doing sitting?

Here is an exercise for you in this post, do it here or on paper and notice, how language creates an illusion of doer.

http://markedeternal.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/labels.html

Answer the questions from the post, plus tell me, how does labelling experience affect experience? How does labelling what is happening affect what is happening?

Sending love

Friedrich

11/29/13

Thank you, Ilona! – "your not getting my emails" was VERY insightful! Because, a lot of old patterns of, apparently, not being good enough, being rejected came up, and the belief the story to be true happened again! Depression, resentment and anger arose again, and was experienced as “I am that anger, that’s resentment, that’s depression, etc. – Until, the identification with the story was seen through again, especially, after the last email was sent to you!

Reading the exercise recommended by you, and other post on your website was seen and read, about the myth of permanent enlightenment – which helped seeing more clearly that whatever is is – the permanent enlightenment happens; then so be it – if getting caught up in the story, and believing it, happens again; then so be it – if it happens over and over again; then so be it – anyway, it’s just another story!

So then, this is what came up in the 20 minutes exercise:

I’m lying in bed, dictating this text – I’m doing my best speak very clearly, so that my dictation device can write exactly what I’m dictating, and not writing some errors – at the same time, I’m thinking thoughts about worrying making mistakes, getting steered up by noises people around me could make, which would affect negatively my dictations, and hence the accuracy of my dictation. I’m trying to breathe slowly, in order to avoid tension. I’m getting nervous and anxious because I’m hearing the neighbours moving around and making noise, which could affect the quality of my dictations, because the software can’t differentiate between my voice and other noises, hence, everything gets, in a way, translated into words! Which for me, is very annoying, and makes me very angry and feeling like a victim! – I’m waiting for the next thing to write, but nothing comes up – I’m looking at the clock, and have still two minutes to go! – I would rather want to wake up for once and forever, instead of doing those kinds of exercises! I’m tired the whole shit!

Lying in bed is happening – as well as speaking into the microphone so that the dictation device can transcribe the spoken words into written words – listening to the river is happening, as well as breathing – anger is rising, because of the inability to pronounce the word “breathing” (the dictation device always understands “briefing”). So, a desire for “perfection” is there – a judgement that “what is” isn’t perfect, but something else would be instead – lying in bed is noticed, as well as thoughts and emotions coming and going – waiting for the nurse is also noticed, as well as a certain lightness and slight joy about the day – watching at the clock is noticed, as well as two minutes liking to complete the 10 minutes exercise! It is seen that describing what happens and what is this way feels much more lighter and smoother – more flowing, whereas the traditional way feels more “hard” and “cut out”, like “cemented in”

So, it seems that there would be a choice – both ways of living and describing what is/life seems to be equally “valuable” (because, both of them appear to exist), and the second way of seeing DEFINITELY feels much more gentle and softer!

And who knows: Maybe there even is a purpose behind a “slowly” awakening, instead of a spontaneous and permanent one! I mean, the only one having a preference in this – wouldn’t that be the illusionary “I”?! LOL! Isn’t already everything exactly the way it is supposed to be, even the apparent “I”, “believing” the story to be his or her story? And who or what is it anyway that is identifying itself with the I Thought? Isn’t that Infinite Aliveness Itself?! Since there is nothing else?

It seems that if awakening isn’t spontaneous and permanent, great alertness and commitment is needed – alertness and commitment in sticking to the “non-me” narration of what is, instead of the “I” narration –. If it is seen that everything is really only happening, without a me doing it/making it happen, then there is immediate ease and smoothness present.

it is clearly seen that WITHOUT labelling, there would be “only” presence – no “experiencing” – as soon as language = labelling starts, even in such subtle forms as naming things by their name; experiencing kicks in – and, of course, even more so when labelling experiences and emotions as good and bad, right and wrong, enjoyable not enjoyable, liking or not liking –

And it seems that there is no way to stop this from happening – labelling/wording just appears to happen, with no one doing it –

Thanks for your time!

And for your love!

Ilona

11/30/13

Thank you for reply, Friedrich.

You can trust, that all is unfolding as it should. And seeing no self is not enlightenment, it's a first step, crossing a line, the beginning of awakened journey. It is not a door to happy ever after. It's a door to exploration what this is.

Seeing that there is no one here, no entity, clears the want for enlightenment, as it is seen that there is no one here to achieve that. The whole story of enlightened has no longer a point to stick. No more seeking.

Ok. Let's dig deeper. Yes, you see it, labelling is just happening without a doer.

Now focus on the narration, the voice in the head, let it talk whatever it wants to talk and take a look- what is there that is listening to it?

What is that voice talking to/ at?

Is it always telling truth?

What is it arguing with?

What is that cares, which story the voice is engaged in?

Have a look, is there a me, or a story ABOUT me. Is there Friedrich or a story ABOUT Friedrich?

Does voice in the head know anything?

What is that knows of this voice?

Looking forward to your answers.

Sending love.

Friedrich

11/30/13

Dear Ilona – Thanks!

“Seeing that there is no one here, no entity, clears the want for enlightenment, as it is seen that there is no one here to achieve that. The whole story of enlightened has no longer a point to stick. No more seeking.” – And, at least, so it seems here, there still is a “curiosity” to explore more …?!

“What is that voice talking to/at?” It SEEMS as if this voice would talk to a “me” – but then, on further seeing, it also seems that there is only an awareness of that voice talking, and that I identify with this awareness as “me” – it feels lighter to just phrase it as “awareness of that voice is happening”

“Is it always telling the truth?” LOL! NO! NOT AT ALL! Actually, it’s almost NEVER telling the truth!

“What is it arguing with?” Mostly, it is AGAINST/RESISTING what is, in each given moment. It is almost never satisfied with what is – apparently, his voice has “clear” ideas about how mostly everything should be in order for it to be enjoyable and “right” – it has its “own” opinion about almost everything –

“What is that cares, which story the voice is engaged in?” That’s tricky! It would seem like this awareness would have its own opinion about the opinions of the voice – but then, of course, this can’t be true, because, SOMETHING ELSE IS AWARE of that dynamic! So it seems rather that there is awareness of two voices: one arguing/commenting on what is, and the other arguing/commending on that first voice! With the later one, “I” seem more identifying with than with the first one – interesting is also that: why would I pay THAT much attention to the first voice?! It’s almost as if that voice would be an authority! – Somebody once said that this voice could be compared to a “roommate” who is continuously commenting and arguing on everything – if it would be like a roommate, I could kick her out! LOL! “Shut up! And leave me alone!” But, apparently, it isn’t that easy – unless it is – who knows!

"Have a look, is there a me, or a story ABOUT me. Is there Friedrich or a story ABOUT Friedrich?” – Yes – “unfortunately”, their sale is a story about me – in a way, it’s still all about me! This story is as hard to kick out as cockroaches! While it is more and more frequently seen that this me–story is just a story, the being sucked into the story still happens very frequently, completely on autopilot! – Especially because the story is so intensely felt/linked to the body – ones body is feeling it, the focus is on the bodily sensations, and that SEEMS all that there is – but, of course, SOMETHING is aware of this too! So, what if who I truly am is this awareness? And everything is just happening IN that awareness? How could I “anchor” myself as this awareness, at least, more often?

"Does voice in the head know anything? What is it that knows of this voice?” – This voice knows VERY little! Almost nothing! Only in a few practical things does it know anything, and it seems that almost everything it appears to know, if not totally everything, is based on past experience! Although it always tries to commend and “predict” the future; it literally has no clue, and does so mostly on past experiences again – “rising the dead” comes to my mind! LOL! – Like I wrote before: it would seem that AWARENESS knows of this voice – Infinite Awareness appears to be AWARE of this voice, as well as of everything that is – I mean, WITHOUT Infinite Awareness; we couldn’t even say that something exists!

Nice questions!

Thanks – until WHENEVER!

Ilona

12/2/13

Great investigation.

Have a closer look, is there more then one voice talking?

What is behind the voice?

Is it body that experienced or body too is experienced?

Consider the voice as a radio- it keeps talking, you pay attention to what it's talking or not, the story keeps being narrated. Do you expect the story to stop being told? It's not like that. It keeps arising, but when the belief in true-eness drops, so does the volume. The voice can talk away, without being judged as wrong.

Being sucked into the story happens, but what does the story stick to?

Sending love.

Friedrich

12/2/13

Have a closer look, is there more then one voice talking? There doesn’t to be a voice, but only the awareness of thoughts, and like a “process”, “custom”, “tendency” or “identification” (it’s hard to find the exact word) to hold those thoughts as true – this happens completely automatically – there also seems to be a total and complete reliance on those thoughts; an “absolute” trust in the validity of what they are saying, like, a statement of what is – it is also seen that in times of apparent confusions, sadness, anger, depression, “problems”, etc., thinking is used in order to bring clarity and ease, or to discern between awareness, and what this awareness is aware of – also an investigation, trying to find out if this awareness is affected by what it is aware of (the insight, of course, is ALWAYS – NO! Awareness is this still, quiet, peaceful, serene, “empty”, presence) – often times, there ARE, apparently, thoughts fighting/arguing, which COULD refer to two different sources; but they are “sensed” as having the exact same “quality”

What is behind the voice? AT TIMES (very seldom), I can recognize my father’s belief system behind them – other times, I can recognize that some “teacher” (like Robert S.) would have said that – but most of the times, there isn’t anything recognized behind those thoughts; they just seem to arise, and disappear again, and sometimes, they seem to arise over and over and over and over again! You get the point! LOL!

Is it body that experienced or body too is experienced? No; the body DOESN’T appear to experience anything – it just APPEARS to happen IN the body (the contraction, the pain, the joy, the pleasure, the warm, the cold, etc.), which then SEEMS to be owned by an illusionary “me” as “my” pain, “my” sadness, “I am feeling joyful, said, I am depressed, angry” etc. – like I said before; this all seems to happen completely on autopilot –

Consider the voice as a radio- it keeps talking, you pay attention to what it's talking or not, the story keeps being narrated. You expect for the story to stop being told? It's not like that. It keeps arising, but when the belief in true-eness drops, so does the volume. The voice can talk away, without being judged as wrong. There could the “problem” be: there seems to be a complete and total inability to NOT pay attention to the story being narrated – the same appears to be true to whatever sounds appear in the surroundings – it seems like something is always scanning the environment for noises/voices, and, most of the times, gets completely and totally upset by it! Actually, this SEEMS to be one of THE biggest anointment in the storyline!

And, yes: there IS a very very high expectation for the story to be stopped from being told! This would SEEM like heaven!

I hear what you are saying about that (stopping of the story) not being so, and that by not believing it, it weakens – I first learned about that in late 2001, with Byron Katie – “is it true?” And despite all of having done her work diligently, and over years, not much has changed (if anything). Since I’m using a dictation device in order to write (which I have to, because of the physical limitations), this “scanning the surroundings for possible noises”, has become even more extreme, because the dictation device CAN’T differentiate between what I am dictating it, and other noises – so it reacts to both! LOL! Grrr!!! Thoughts/feelings of victimhood and rage are coming up!) I would truly love to be able to be more effective in seeing through the lies the stories! And even if I, on a conscious level am very clear about the illusionary appearances of the story, “something deep down” (unconscious) still appears to hold on/belief in those stories! HELP!

INSTEAD of simply seeing through the story; I FIGHT it – like in “go away! You are not true!” Which of course, holds it in place! How to cut this vicious cycle?!

Being sucked into the story happens, but what does the story stick to? I have no clue! At times I sensed like if something wouldn’t allow me to be free from the story – which I know ISN’T true, and I only can do this to myself – this “something wouldn’t allow me to be free from the story” is just another belief, seeing as an appearance in awareness – but it seems a very sticky one! There seems to be another belief like “that would be too much freedom!” Like in “that would make me too different/big from all the “other” people!” Sometimes, even something like “I haven’t earned it yet, to be that free – guilt? – Another thought: “I never get what I truly want, and even IF I get it, it’s usually never what I thought it would be (give me)”

If it was talking only positive stuff, would that too be a problem? “Positive” stuff in the usual sense, would be a problem also – “constructive” stuff like “what if it is not true?”, “Who knows if that is the case?”, Etc., would be “no problem”

Whatever it's talking is fiction. If there are buttons pressed- it's a gift- as it's showing you what else needs to be looked at, what else needs to heal.

Thank the voice. See what happens. I have begun doing this, and there IS a shift experienced (although, not as thoroughly as desired/expected – LOL! – And of course, THAT thought can be thanked also!)

Funny! It SEEMS like the deeper the going, the “tougher”, the more intense it gets, AND, at the same time, also easier & faster!

Thank Us!

Friedrich

12/5/13

It seems that the email Dragon was hungry again … so, I’m sending it here again!

Ilona

12/5/13

Great investigation!

Sorry about the delay with answer.

ME can not get rid of story, it's same like batman can not get rid of story about batman. It's all story.

Remember something from the past. For a minute hold an image of event, something significant.

Tell me, is this story the same if you are in a good mood or bad mood? Do other people remember this same way? Is there a true story? Is this story owned by you?

How does the story appear? When does it appear? Is it possible to changed what happened? Is it possible to change story about what happened? Examine this closely.

Then for a minute imagine yourself in 2 years time. Can you see that image being created?

Focus on here now. Let this what is be ok. Is there much story in the present?

How story and time are connected?

Here are some questions for you dear Friedrich. Have fun with them.

Looking forward to answers.

Sending love.

Friedrich
12/6/13

Hi Ilona!

ME can not get rid of story, it's same like batman can not get rid of story about batman. It's all story. Excellent observation! – And, once it is seen, SO obvious!

Remember something from the past. Although the basic storyline IS the same, the sensations and details various, each time I “remember” that story – and of course, other people DON’T necessarily remember the exact same story – if we are lucky, we get at least SOME agreements on what it is that is remembered; but most likely, the meaning and significance of the story are for each person different, if not, VERY different! – Regarding “if there is a true story”, it will depend on how you define “true” – if “true” is what is, at each moment, and for each person – then yes; there would be a “true” story. But if you mean by a “true story” the actual facts, what was “REALLY” going on – THEN you can FORGET the notion of a “true story” – all we have are just STORIES. – “Is the story owned by me?” When seeing clearly; no – it is just A story (and anybody could “own” it – LOL!)

How does the story appear? When does it appear? Is it possible to changed what happened? Is it possible to change story about what happened? Examine this closely. The story appears to arise SPONTANEOUSLY – all by itself – it just does appear – and sometimes it appears to stay, even for quite “sometime”, and other times, it disappears, right away – there could be something happening that could trigger the story – and, it is NEVER possible to change what happened – what happened happened – (although another story would gladly insist that what happened COULD have been different! But that’s a lie. LOL!) “Is it possible to change the story about what happened?” Yes! Thanks goodness, THIS happens all the time, and a lot of times, rather naturally! Like we have seen before, HOW something appears to be “remembered”, OFTEN TIMES, it depends from WHERE (emotional state) it is remembered. Also, most of the times, seeing what supposedly has happened from some distance, takes out at least some of the apparent intensity.

On another note: how can I truly truly truly KNOW that something is remembered, and not just a story that shows up which has another story of “this has happened in the past) attached to it?!

Then for a minute imagine yourself in 2 years time. Can you see that image being created? Yes – I can see that image being imagined, out of “nothing” – or maybe “out of conditioning, with all its likes on don’t likes, with all its expectations."

Focus on here now. Let this what is be ok. Is there much story in the present? No – no thoughts, no story – the story seems to arise again, whenever something appears to occur, which isn’t welcomed, like for example right now, when the neighbour is starting cutting his grass, precisely when I’m dictating! – And besides that, I just don’t like that noise! I like silence – quietness – which of course is also just a story!

How story and time are connected? Of Course: Story NEEDS time! Or maybe, story IS time!They seem to be one and the same.

Thank you Ilona , for playing with me!

Ilona

12/7/13

Brilliant. You are digging right in! Sweet.

you say "On another note: how can I truly truly truly KNOW that something is remembered, and not just a story that shows up which has another story of “this has happened in the past) attached to it?!"

Memory comes up as a familiar image with the story. Sensations, feelings are involved, it's a rich experience of a story. All you can know is that it's a story about the past. And story about imagined events has a different flavour. :)

what is here now is what is happening. Memory is a story about what is not happening right now. Same is future- a story about what is not happening.

Have a look, is there container of stored stories?

Did I asked you to watch Alan watts video? You can look up on YouTube- Alan Watts boat analogy, it's brilliant how he illustrates time.

The key is to recognise a story as a story.

Can you choose which stories are being told by the voice in the head?

Does it matter?

Sending love.

Friedrich

12/7/13

Have a look, is there container of stored stories? Yes! And that container is located in Fort Knox, and traded at the Wall Street! LOL! – Now SERIOUSLY: of course, there ISN'T any container of stored stories – maybe at best, we could say that they all rise out of Infinite Consciousness – No Thing.

Can you choose which stories are being told by the voice in the head? Tricky question! It seems that it would depend: IN GENERAL, the story just seems to arise – but it would seem that I could focus on what kind of story I would like if I choose to focus – so in this sense, it would seem that I could choose to imagine a horror story or a love story – but of course: from where or what would that choice come from? And then: from where or what would all the imagined details come from?! It would seem as, as long as the story "I" am able to imagine is of my likening, I easily would say: "I imagine that story!" Whereas would that story the left is like, I would say: "that story just arose."

Does it matter? For this unit here; it still does matter! I would rather prefer an interesting story, then a story of ugliness, war, horror, cruelty or the likes. For example, I would rather prefer to walk again and to all the things I did back then, then lie in bed – and what if this preference comes from What Is, from "The I Am That"?! I mean: from where else could ANYTHING come from?! And, is this not who I Truly Am?!

Sending love.

Hugs to You!

Ilona

12/8/13

IN GENERAL, the story just seems to arise – but it would seem

Seem word indicates thinking, it seems = illusion. It seems like but is this the case in actuality?

In reality, do you choose which story plays in the head?

The story "I can choose any story" - is another story. Is that story true?

If you really could choose any story, would this story be the one being repeated over and over again?

The key is to see that stories are stories, not reality. Story arises and if reaction happens, it goes into a feedback loop, triggers feelings, more thoughts about feelings and here you go- madness!

Reaction to story is what keeps it going. Reaction of resistance. Resisting what is.

Yes, you are in bed, not running around, if you resist this situation, there is suffering. The only way out is through acceptance. Accepting this as it is fully without any "but..." The journey of awakening is journey of acceptance, surrender. But first thing to accept is resistance itself. Without accepting resistance, as a valid experience, we can not move forward. Resistance is a friend- it's showing the way- what else needs to be accepted.

So for a few minutes feel your situation, feel it fully, feel resistance and let ALL just be ok. Just for a couple of minutes allow this be ok as it is. If you can welcome it all and bow in honour, thanking this.

See what happens.

Sending love.

Friedrich

12/9/13

Seem word indicates thinking, it seems = illusion. It seems like but is this the case in actuality? Well, in the way it is seen from here, I like to, whenever possible, not getting into conclusions, but let the door opens for something else, that I may, right now, not be able to "see" – but so far, from where I am right now, ALL that I can say is that I have absolutely no idea from where thoughts arise – AND, AT THE VERY SAME TIME, there is also a feeling sense, That It Is All Me! I mean: if I am truly all that is, then in some very "mysterious" way (that I have no clue as yet – and maybe never will) I MUST be the "authority" of all thoughts and decisions, as well as Of All That Is! I mean: there isn't "anybody" else! Of course: it's NOT the person – Its like when Jesus supposedly said "I and my father are one". – That's why I also trust that all this desires to walk again, to travel, to play the accordion again, photography, skiing, etc., Are There For a Reason! Even if I still would identify myself with the person; those thoughts/desires would be there For A Reason! As far as I can see, this Life, this universe, ISN'T a senseless and purposeless "creation"/dream! Just because I can't see exactly WHAT that reason really is, DOESN'T mean that there may be is one! – I also sense that the story is there for a reason also, probably just for fun – In a way, this entire dream seems like a giant and brilliant story factory to me! – At one point, it may be seen that this is all BS – but at the time I sense that this point of view really supports me!

that I could focus on what kind of story I would like if I choose to focus – so in this sense, it would seem that I could choose to imagine a horror story or a love story – but of course: from where or what would that choice come from? And then: from where or what would all the imagined details come from?! It would seem as, as long as the story "I" am able to imagine is of my likening, I easily would say: "I imagine that story!" Whereas would that story the left is like, I would say: "that story just arose."

In reality, do you choose which story plays in the head?

The story "I can choose any story" - is another story. Is that story true? When I woke up from a six-day coma last year (without any NDE), the first thing I remembered was a very intense and angry discussion about "who the fuck is driving the bus here?!!" – The next thing I remembered was that "something/somebody" presented me with a question: "do you want to stay here (in this dream) or do you want to leave it?" I heard the sound of rain, and "decided" to stay here ... Of course: I am totally aware that I have absolutely NO CLUE WHAT influenced that "choice" – because I am aware that order to even – apparently – having a choice, and decide for one choice and not the other, would need ALREADY have a preference set! Otherwise, how would I prefer one thing over another?! WHAT that preference put there, and how it came there, I have no idea.

The way I see it: AT TIMES, can be very constructive to assume that there would be "free will" – at other times, it is more constructive to "accept" that there isn't. For example, if I ask "what else is possible?", Or "what are the infinite possibilities for this body to show up as completely healed?", I could say that those questions just show up, as well as the possible options – it could also be that nothing will show up – who knows! – And no: I have absolutely no choice what story is playing in my head – it even would seem that I have also absolutely no choice if something makes me become aware of the story playing, or if I'm just seduced by the story – and yes, it's a sweet story that I have at times, sort of, "free will" – LOL!

If you really could choose any story, would this story be the one being repeated over and over again? No: no story is good enough to be repeated over and over again in my head! If I could choose, I would choose NO story!

The key is to see that stories are stories, not reality. Story arises and if reaction happens, it goes into a feedback loop, triggers feelings, more thoughts about feelings and here you go- madness! Yes! And sometimes, apparently, unstoppable – until it stops.

Reaction to story is what keeps it going. Reaction of resistance. Resisting what is. Yes – I came to see this beautifully today.

I seldomly use the word "but" – because it's a complete negation of what I said/wrote before I introduce that word – I prefer: AND – like a "okay, I'm in bed now; AND, what else is possible?!" – It's like the saying goes: "what you persist – resists." And what else is possible?!

Sweet, SWEET, SWEEEET!

Thank you so much Ilona! This inquiries are PRICELESS! – And like the commercials go: "and for everything else – use MasterCard! LOL!

Ilona

12/11/13

There is no authority on all that is. No purpose. No meaning. It's just IS. And no, you are a not the general manager of universe. It's safe to retire from this position.

There is no I that is all. None as in zero. None as in does not exist. Like a unicorn. There is a story about one, but you don't need to go looking for it everywhere to know that it's imagined.

Same is this I that wants to be all that is. It's just a big fat story.

...

Yeah, free will story is a good one. Only it's empty.

Choice happens. No doer of choosing.

Rain happens when situation and conditions are ripe, no entity is choosing when to rain or where to. Same is human choice- conditions always have a choice within them, and so it's being followed..

"If you really could choose any story, would this story be the one being repeated over and over again?" No: no story is good enough to be repeated over and over again in my head! If I could choose, I would choose NO story!

No need to dismiss story either. It can be fun! Seeing story as story, not reality ads a layer on experience, but it is not all that is happening, it's just a tiny fraction of this. When focus goes out of the head into what is here now, story stops. See for yourself.

Friedrich

12/9/13

Dear Ilona!

In my excitement, I forgot to tell you how the little exercise went!

While being with the resistance, I suddenly remembered a process I learned about 14 years ago – it’s called: “Core Transformation”

So, I ask that resistance “what is it that you want to get by resisting?” Surprisingly, it “said” “I want to assure that you get out of bed!” LOL! It was so beautiful, because I could clearly see how utterly INNOCENT that “part” was – very “honorable” intention, but, completely useless! What is SO beautiful about it is the FACT, that the intention was utterly GOOD – LOVING!

I did the same with the intolerance of noise – when I asked “what is it that you want to achieve with this anger towards noise?”, The answer was “peace”! When I dug further, asking “if you have total and complete peace, all the time, no matter what, what is it that you would like to achieve through that?” The answer was “being”! “Just” amazing being, no matter what!”

So it was so beautiful to realize that, no matter the appearance (anger, resistance, etc.), the underlying (misdirected) intention is ALWAYS good! Loving!

So, I feel deep appreciation for having pointed those inquiries out to me!

Big Hug!

Ilona

12/11/13

Nice! Yes, all is love, sometimes in disguise.

It is one thing to see that separate self is illusion, it's another thing to say yes to whatever comes up.

Say yes to laying in bed. Accept that as it is. Surrender to this. See if there is something that wants to escape this situation. Say yes to that too and let this be ok. See what is behind it. And deeper, and deeper. Till you are seeing that situation as it is is perfect for you as it IS. Rest in that.

Sending love.

Friedrich

12/14/13

“Accepting what is, and surrendering to it”, feels right and light – and how can that happen?! – I have no clue about how to “accomplish” that –

Some things seem easy to accept – some others, not so much – and some others, impossible – There is something that is just plain denying it! For example, I’m now laying in bed for over five years (except for a few months, where I could sit in the wheelchair) – my argument goes like this: “it’s already challenging having to live life with a paralyzed body – that’s enough for one lifetime! – And now, having to accept laying in bed also?! NO WAY!” – ESPECIALLY so when this “lying in bed” happens in a surrounding that is very noisy (“music”) all day, all night – I sense that I have the RIGHT to at least, lying in bed in a quiet and peaceful place! This is plane torture! NO human being should have to live that way! – WHY should ANY human being have to live something it just doesn’t like?! THAT’S INSANE! – EVEN if I COULD accept and surrender to this torture: FOR WHAT GOOD WOULD THAT BE PLEASE???!!! How please could THAT be love?! I have no plans to play Jesus! Or, for that matter, other martyr! As I see it, THAT’S time is OVER! I don’t think that “spirituality” or “non-duality” is to be taken that way!

Or am I wrong?!

If there truly is no “me” (which I don’t have found) why not just take this body out of “circulation” (“life”)? Why to endure all this torture, just to have the same face line, a few days, months, or years later?

I’m aware that this is a very fiercely email – and (just in case, but I’m pretty sure you won’t) it’s not personal – I’m just desperate! Since I’m living in this noisy country (Colombia), I’m trying to be at peace with noise – I have moved places countless times, and “thanks” to “progress” (electricity being brought to remote places, sound equipments cheaper and more powerful), the noise always reaches me again! Relentless! It seems like, the more I enjoy stillness and quietness, the noisier my environment gets! And, since I have to lie in bed, I can’t escape it!

I know you don’t have; but it may be you DO: A MAGIC BULLET!

Thanks for reading this far, Ilona!

Ilona

12/15/13

“Accepting what is, and surrendering to it”, feels right and light – and how can that happen?! – I have no clue about how to “accomplish” that –

It's not an accomplishment, it's giving up trying.

Some things seem easy to accept – some others, not so much – and some others, impossible

Yes, I know what you mean. But once again, awakening journey is about acceptance, all that is showing up is already accepted on the deepest level. It is here, because of all conditions and circumstances. If it's happening it's exactly what should be happening. How to know that? - it's already here.

THAT’S INSANE! – EVEN if I COULD accept and surrender to this torture: FOR WHAT GOOD WOULD THAT BE PLEASE???!!!

Yes, there is a huge resistance to what is happening. Can you accept that this resistance is here and just let it be here for a few minutes. Feel it fully and allow it fully.

Then look behind it, what is there? What is resisting what is? What needs to be protected by this resistance?

I’m aware that this is a very fiercely email – and (just in case, but I’m pretty sure you won’t) it’s not personal – I’m just desperate!

Yes, it is a fierce expression and yes, it is an honest one. All good. What needs to be expressed is allowed and welcomed. There is anger and fear, there is desperation. It's ok. It's ok to feel as you feel.

But look behind, what is behind the sensations?

Since I’m living in this noisy country (Colombia), I’m trying to be at peace with noise the noise always reaches me again! Relentless! It seems like, the more I enjoy stillness and quietness, the noisier my environment gets! And, since I have to lie in bed, I can’t escape it!

:) yeah, I can imagine the notice and frustration. There is something here too - what is trying to escape noise?

I know you don’t have; but it may be you DO: A MAGIC BULLET!

Ahaha, nope, I have no magic bullet, only red pills. ;)

Sending you love.

Keep digging, you are getting close.

Ilona

12/21/13

How is it going, Friedrich?

Write to me..

Sending love.

Friedrich

12/21/13

There is “great mastery” in resisting whatever is, and an absolute cluelessness about “how to be open and accepting whatever is”

Although I would say that there is total and complete willingness to let go of resistance of what is, a clear recognition of the total and complete INSANITY of resisting what is (because, it IS ALREADY existing), at the same time, there is also complete and utter powerlessness of letting go – – –

There is a IMMENSE desire of letting go of resistance, because it is so clearly seen that there are only two choices: or completely letting go of resistance and be at peace and happy (maybe even able to marvel and celebrate what is), OR to resist what is, and suffer unmeasurable pain – including, physical pain

AT LEAST, there is a loving recognition of the innocentness of this resistance; from its point of view, it is trying to “protect” me, and give me peace – it just does not work at all!

Any clue?

Any probing questions?

Thanks, Ilona –

Ilona

12/21/13

There is “great mastery” in resisting whatever is, and an absolute cluelessness about “how to be open and accepting whatever is”

Good to notice that.

Yes, it is total insanity. It all already is. So you can bang your head against the wall and be upset about it or just say, hmm, I wonder, what else can be accepted.

You are seeing it- resistance is pointless. And yet it is here. Accept resistance and thank it for doing such a great job. Bow to it in honour, notice, the mechanism is working perfectly.

Can you see that resistance is a friend? If not, have a look.

AT LEAST, there is a loving recognition of the innocentness of this resistance;

Nice!

from its point of view, it is trying to “protect” me, and give me peace – it just does not work at all!

If it is not helping, is there a need to keep resisting?

You are most welcome.

Keep writing every day!

Sending love.

Friedrich

12/21/13

"Hmm, I wonder, what else can be accepted" – I like that question – What drives me most crazy is the fact that, if I could push a button and all the resistance would be gone; I WOULD! The "problem" (or maybe a blessing in disguise) is: it DOESN'T matter if I would rather give up resisting or not: it is still there! It doesn't care about my vote! It feels like I have absolutely no say in this! I'm feeling like the endless punished or "tested" puppet! Don't I have already enough by being paralyzed, and having to lay in bed?!! Do I really have to deal with all this resistance ALSO?!!!

Is THIS what this character's life IS all about?!! Completely and totally senseless and useless struggle/"working" on giving up resistance WITHOUT succeeding?!! HOW ABSOLUTELY POINTLESS!!!

"UNFAIR" comes to my mind!! While other people are having fun – this character is utterly hopelessly struggling to just giving up resisting!! This predicament is so utterly pointless – it almost would make me laugh! (No wonder people came up with karma = working up past life's sin! LOL!)

It's reminds me the year and a half I participated in ayahuasca sessions – almost every 15 days – I asked for unconditional love to be shown – I got: unconditional hell! Interesting enough, each following session, there was absolutely NO effect of the ayahuasca! Not a slightest physiological OR psychological alteration! Like if I would have drunk a strong tea – it didn't even matter HOW MUCH I drunk! But the following time – oh boy oh boy! NEVER saw something – just felt HORRIBLE guilt and despair, for almost 2 hours – then it faded slowly away (but, as I see it now, with NO actually dissolving of those patterns)

Can you see that resistance is a friend? If not, have a look.

No – I can't! I see it rather as something that is standing in the way (quite pointless and useless, may I say) to my peace and happiness! I rather feel like a completely senseless and unfairly, cruelly punished victim!!

What is behind resistance? I have no clue – and this is another point that drives me crazy! You are asking me on and on what is BEHIND! And, all that comes up is: NOTHING! (It's not nothing as no thing – just don't see anything)

If it is not helping, is there a need to keep resisting? No – but the "problem" is: it is NOT something I am doing – it's something that is just HAPPENING – like the weather!

Well there ever be an end to this??!!! While I can truly see that resistance HAS lessened regarding a lot of issues, there simply seems to be AN NEVER ENDING SUPPLY! It's almost like the Pandora box!

Thank you for reading and letting me pouring out!

Ilona

12/22/13

That is only unfair if you are the character. But, are you?

See, love has many forms and shapes. It is not just happy joyful expanded feeling, it is also the deepest, darkest, most horrible hole. It is everything. The intensity of feeling (whatever is being felt) is intensity of love.

Love burns through all conditioning. If it is showing up as darkness, that too is love, in disguise... It too is a gift.

Unconditional love is unbound, it's what is being felt. No conditions.

The love that you seek is your own love for yourself.

Love is not what you think. It's what you feel. Including 1000s of it's shapes and forms. In the end it's about loving what is. The relationship with what is= love manifesting. If you are saying no to reality, love is feeling like resistance. Can you see what I'm saying?

Heart wants to love, freely and openly.

Mind is guarding it form being hurt. Mind is protecting the heart. The conflict is that mind sets conditions. Trying to fit love into what is acceptable and what is not.

What is behind resistance? I have no clue – and this is another point that drives me crazy! You are asking me on and on what is BEHIND! And, all that comes up is: NOTHING! (It's not nothing as no thing – just don't see anything)

Yes!! Nothing. Nothing at all. Good that you see that! It's not the absence of answer. It is the answer. There is nothing there. At all.

How does that make you feel?

If it is not helping, is there a need to keep resisting? No – but the "problem" is: it is NOT something I am doing – it's something that is just HAPPENING – like the weather!

The pattern is there till it isn't.

Well there ever be an end to this??!!! While I can truly see that resistance HAS lessened regarding a lot of issues, there simply seems to be AN NEVER ENDING SUPPLY! It's almost like the Pandora box!

Sending love.

Friedrich

12/22/13

That is only unfair if you are the character. But, are you?

At times, there is less identification with a character, and at other times, there is more – if the wind machine is relatively quiet or peaceful, it is easier to just "watch it" – at all times, rather full identification is going on

what if you are not able to see hell as a gift? Is it still a gift? To whom?

Unconditional love is unbound, it's what is being felt. No conditions. If "unconditional love" would be present; wouldn't that be the end of hell and suffering?!!

The love that you seek is your own love for yourself. Sounds true. THE question is: HOW to see that?!

Love is not what you think. It's what you feel. Including 1000s of it's shapes and forms. In the end it's about loving what is. Yeah: I know: Byron Katie – that's just so that she hated her life and everything else, with all her heart, until awakening happened, and she was gone! After that: yes: she had to go through feelings of intense guilt and shame and so on – the two doesn't?! It's rather easy to "love what is" when you play in the sunshine! The relationship with what is= love manifesting. If you are saying no to reality, love is feeling like resistance. Can you see what I'm saying? Yes, I CAN see what you are saying – and like I wrote above: who wouldn't "love what is" if, you are, playing in the sunshine, or at least your mind patterns/psychological patterns are not causing you any major troubles! But what when you have been living in hell 40 years! – Except for a few days of sunshine, and then you think "oh my goodness! I think something REALLY shifted finally for the better!" Just to be back in hell, a few days later – honestly, this is one of THE cruelest way of having to "live"!! Talk about THE perfect torture!

Heart wants to love, freely and openly.

Mind is guarding it form being hurt. Mind is protecting the heart. The conflict is that mind sets conditions. Trying to fit love into what is acceptable and what is not. So, are you saying that I better prepare myself to leave for the rest of my life living in hell, and LOVING it?!! If that is all that is possible, I would rather take myself out of the game!

Can you see that resistance is a friend? If not, have a look.

Yes!! Nothing. Nothing at all. Good that you see that! It's not the absence of answer. It is the answer. There is nothing there. At all. No: I didn't mean that – I meant: resistance IS ALL THAT IS! RESISTANCE IS IT! IT'S ALL THERE IS TO LIFE! (At least, to this one). Resistance is what life is. Period.

How does that make you feel? Unbearable! It makes me want to kill myself!

The pattern is there till it isn't. Yeah, and probably it is meant NOT to change – so what's the point?!

Once the hole in the system is punctured, there is a collapsing time and cleanup time. So be patient and notice, that there is something happening.. And no control over it. So just watch it unfold. Enjoy the ride. Ilona: "notice, that there is something happening" – THIS is precisely the most excruciating pain causing point! Seems YEARS I'm doing one kind of another "consciousness work" – and while there HAVE been SOME, maybe, "minor" shifts for the better, as you can see from my writing, the entire structure is still mostly excruciatingly painful – like my mom said a few days ago: "more patient?!" "Sorry", but are not enjoying the ride! Actually, I HATE it to the buttom! And besides all my best efforts, countless money and courses and books, I'm still hating it! – Maybe even more, because, nothing has really worked! This whole "life thing" rather feels like a HUGE & GIGANTIC FRAUD! Like a very very bad and mean and evil commercial for "an adventure park", full of fun and love and laughter, and when you get there, it's THE house of terror!

Life = THE most cruel thing!

Sending love. Is this real love, or love disguised?!

Ilona

12/23/13

Hi Friedrich.

Can I ask you, what is your motive for this investigation? To fix something that is not working or to see the truth no matter what?

Are you looking for freedom from unwanted feelings? If so, it's not how it works. The freedom is to experience all, good, bad and the ugly, without judgement that it's wrong. The key is to realise, that shoulds and shouldn'ts are what makes the view distorted.

Unconditional love knows no conditions and it will break through, burn through all limitations.

Write to me what you expect that should be happening, what do you want to happen. What do you expect that should change.

Sending love.

Friedrich

12/23/13

I sense a lot of anger in you last email. Resistance is what life is? No, man.. Resistance is what arises in life as part of life when we say no to what is happening. Either you say yes or no, life goes on as it did. The difference is how we feel about it. You can hate or love, it's still happening. The only way out is through surrender. And, what's adding even more frustration is, at least in my experience, it DOESN'T matter if I say yes or no – life keeps on being exactly the same! IN A WAY, even saying yes to whatever appears to happen, comes out of a wish of "things to easen" – to cool down, at least as far as possible, the heat – since late 99, I have come to see that only through unconditional love can suffer end – but no success regarding being able to unconditionally love – it only adds more anger and frustration to what already is! – So, then, can I at least let go of trying to unconditionally love?! No – not a chance! Can I, at least, just let go of the whole thing to add any layers to it through thinking? No – not a chance! It all seems to happen "automatically", even trying to accept or plainly reject.

Can I ask you, what is your motive for this investigation? To fix something that is not working or to see the truth no matter what? "Truth" seems to be a too fancy word – I do want peace and serenity, no matter what – to be at ease, no matter what.

Are you looking for freedom from unwanted feelings? Yes! This is exactly what I want! If so, it's not how it works. The freedom is to experience all, good, bad and the ugly, without judgement that it's wrong. The key is to realise, that shoulds and shouldn'ts are what makes the view distorted. Well then, what's the point in investigating?! So the anger is okay, the hatred is okay, the crippleness is okay, the hell is okay – so, why do this investigation? Oh! Okay! This investigation is also just what is happening, and it doesn't have to lead to liberation, or whatever we want to call it! It doesn't matter what we do or not to; except when it does, and something APPEARS to change "because" of what APPARENTLY has been done or not – but that's just another story!

Unconditional love knows no conditions and it will break through, burn through all limitations. You see? There you put the carrot again right in front of me! So then, I TRULY WANT, WITH ALL MY HEART, unconditional love! Because, if there is ONE thing I want over all others, it is this: BREAK THROUGH ALL LIMITATIONS! – I mean: if I am able to love whatever is, there CAN'T be ANY suffering at all!

Write to me what you expect that should be happening, what do you want to happen. What do you expect that should change. What I WANT to happen is: a truly opening to unconditional love! What I don't want from happening: to keep all this hatred and fear and anger to keep going on! – I want the misery to end! Once and for all! I'm working on this now for over 14 years! It's about time!

Thank you, Ilona

And, Ilona, I experience those “going down into hell” about each two weeks … rather periodically – they are always VERY intense, like in “I CAN’T handle this anymore! TAKE ME OUT, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!” – I NEVER EVER sensed that, no matter what I did, even if it just was “watching” the whole scenery unfolding, did it help the nightmare pass – it all seems to pass by itself –

Ilona

12/23/13

Yes, dear Friedrich, it comes up and passes all by itself. Buddhist have a good mantra- this too shall pass and that is useful sometimes...

Peace is always here, underneath all thinking. Suffering is story, made up of thoughts of what should be different. Can you notice that?

Have a look, is physical pain and suffering same?

What is in the way of feeling love now?

Friedrich

12/23/13

Buddhist have a good mantra- this too shall pass and that is useful sometimes... Yes; some thing passes, and some not – hopefully, with death, everything has passed –

Peace is always here, underneath all thinking. Suffering is story, made up of thoughts of what should be different. Can you notice that? Yes; peace is always here – it's just so that, very often, identification with thoughts happens to be so strong, that nothing else seems possible/to be here –

Have a look, is physical pain and suffering same? No – I most often sensing physical pain, and it doesn't bother me, hence, no suffering! Suffering = Story

What is in the way of feeling love now? Thinking – And Physical Noise! I know that that is a lie also, but I have no clue about HOW to feel love despite of physical noise!

Thank you, Ilona

Ilona

12/23/13

YES! Suffering is a story about suffering. And that story is believed, so it creates self feeding loops to strengthen story and triggers feeling.

We can have a session of deep looking if you like. It seems to help to get to the root of resistance mechanisms and release old patterns. It takes around an hour or more.

Friedrich

12/24/13

Yes, I would love that!

Ilona

12/28/13

Sorry for disappearance, all the Christmas thing got in a way of my correspondences.

We can have a session, but not today, as we have guests coming. Tomorrow would be perfect. Let me know what are good times for you. You will need an hour or two of undisturbed time. Do you know how to use google chat? Or FB chat is ok too.

Warm regards.

Friedrich

12/28/13

Did Santa take you for a ride?! LOL! – It's all good

We can have a session, but not today, as we have guests coming. Tomorrow would be perfect.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some time after the Deep Looking session

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friedrich

Jan 7

Hi Ilona!

I’m doing fine! Thank you for asking!

I had my, so far, “usual” weekend visit to hell, but the coming-out of it was quickly and rather easy, and the opening to more of what is, is even bigger!

How does it get any better than this!

Since the session review, it seems way easier to be clear that thoughts showing up are just that: thoughts showing up; like “crazy” ghosts, flirting or my attention – it has become easier and easier to just watch them, and recognize that they are just “what is showing up”, but there is no need to “hold them for the truth” – there is no need to “follow them, and believe them”!

Thank You!

All the Truly Best To You!

Ilona

Jan 8

That is so great to hear! Looks like the door to acceptance has been opened. Yes, intense emotions come up, but pass quickly, this too is my experience. They don't stick for long and are welcomed to pass through.

Awesome. Now we can carry on looking, is I thought any different? Is there something in experience, that I thought points to?

Sending love

Friedrich

Jan 8

I wouldn't speak of an "I", but rather of an "Isness"/ Present, and "I" is just used to refer to it –

Thank you for your love! I'm happy that you are love!

Thank You!

Oh, I noticed that I resent it almost everyone and everything, also a HUGE amount of envy! "Unfairness"! So, I started just to wish and imagine all those people I presented to be truly truly happy in the way THEY most likely would wish it! It has been and is a truly amazing, heart opening experience! To say the least!

Thank you for knowing me!

Ilona

Jan 9

Wow, that is quite a turn around, isn't it.

Can you say that it's clear, that separate entity I is an illusion?

Is presence the doer and thinker?

Is there doer and thinker, decision maker?

How would you answer that?

Sending love :)

Friedrich

Jan 9

Can you say that it's clear, that separate entity I is an illusion? Yes; it just does APPEAR AS IF there is a separate entity!

Is presence the doer and thinker? Thinking and doing, again, just happens –

Is there doer and thinker, decision maker? No – it all just happens, and as this "happening", an illusory "decision-maker" can also appear, but is seen, in the end, just as an appearance (very convincing though)

Ilona

Jan 13

Can you say that you are ready for the final questions or there is still something we can look at before you are comfortable to say big yes?

Friedrich

Jan 13

LOL! – If I WOULD know what this “final question” is, I would be able to answer your question about me being ready, with “absolute” certainty – BUT, I’m sure ready for whatever questions you have for me – is that okay with you?

Sending Love Also! – And Fun!

Ilona

Jan 13

Haha, sweet! Here they are :)

Please answer in full, when ready, what feels true.

Much love. Have fun with this. :)

Friedrich

Jan 13

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

There are clouds on the sky, and, at some time "back", the sky seemed to identify itself with one of those clouds, and, may I say, and ever changing cloud – now it is seen, that there is only sky, with clouds (thoughts, ideas, emotions, sensations, smells, tastes, etc.) appearing, out of nowhere, and disappearing, Inc. to nowhere –

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

When it starts – no idea! Supposedly, at the age of 2 to 3 years, but no memory of this our present – what is it? The way it is seen here is that, for whatever "reason", awareness (the sky) attach and identifies itself to/with and I thought, together with a bunch of other thoughts (gender, family, nation, body, skills, "defects" LOL etc.) and, somehow, convinces itself that it is all those "attributes" – it's like taking on a role, and so fully identifying itself with that role, that it really is able to convince itself that it is this character, while completely forgetting that old this are just brilliant and awesome "appearances" – this character, often times also tends to identify itself with other appearances, like houses, cars, tech toys, etc., with its WHATEVER objects or appearing in this awareness – there are even "funny" cases where awareness identifies itself with multiple personalities, schizophrenics, etc.

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

It actually feels very light and joyful – before I could more clearly see this, there was an intellectual understanding, but the identification with all the stuff going on was still very strong – now it has lessened, although, at times, there still is a little tendency to identify with "heavy" stuff going on, but it is rather quickly seen as just "ghosts" – there is also a tendency to being able to enjoy more WHATEVER is going on, even the before judged "harsh" events/circumstances – laughter and a joyful playing attitude is more present

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

Funny enough, it was actually (last Sunday) a Skype "clearing session" with a non-duality teacher – the funny thing was that I was "letting it rip", venting all my venom, and he wanted to guide me to see, but, for whatever reasons, I just felt it "right" to put it all out! After that, it was clearly seen that this was just a storm in a water glass – so what!

5) Do you decide, intend, choose, control events in Life? Do you make anything happen? Give examples from your experience.

The way it is seen is that there still, at times, is a "pushing" towards certain things getting done, so "I" just go with that, while at the same time being clearer and clearer that this is just a "movement", nothing personal – "I" observe that I have become more thoughtful, honest, out speaking, while at the same time more accepting and loving what is – hence, other characters may judge me as more self assertive, more powerful, more going for what "I" want – but actually, it's all just unhindered movement – so, yes, it may appear that "I" would "control" more, but in fact, it's all just movements, completely appearing by itself, out of nowhere, and disappearing into nowhere –

6) Anything to add?

In other interesting thing is that there seems to be a greater certainty that this body actually WILL walk again, like an inner "knowing", as well as the openness for those things the character wanted so badly before, may very likely appear! BUT, there is almost no attachment to them – it's more like "mhh – who knows! That may actually be fun! Why not?! And if not, fun and joy and laughter is anyway present!" – Feels like freedom –!

Much Appreciation! – Especially, for "believing in me" – for holding The Truth up for me!

And YES! I had fun with this!

Ilona

Jan 14

Hi Friedrich,

Thank you for answers.. I can see that there is more lightness, something changed, sweet. :)

But......

More to look. Is it awareness that identifies? What is awareness? What does it do? Are you awareness? (It is common to assume the position of 'I am awareness' but it is not clear seeing)

Your answer to question one is not direct, can you try again plz, without metaphors.

What is I that goes with movement? Is there a choice to go with movement of life or not?

Are there separate selves in other characters? How these other characters are experienced in actuality?

I see you are very close! Keep going further!

Sending love.

Friedrich

Jan 14

no – it is the awareness that identifies – awareness IS – awareness is noticing – no: I am not – awareness is (NO "I am awareness")

Your answer to question one is not direct, can you try again plz, without metaphors. Ooooo ... and I thought I had a poetic inspiration! LOL!

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever? No: there just appeared to be one – the belief ones was; but it only was a belief, appearing, to no one, in awareness

What is I that goes with movement? Is there a choice to go with movement of life or not? Movement also just is – there can also be resistance to movement, or just noticing movement – there can be another thought popping up of "just letting it be", a sudden thought that "resisting hurts, letting it be = peaceful/joyful, and this is also just noticed, by no one

Are there separate selves in other characters? How these other characters are experienced in actuality? No: "they" are also just appearances, movements, playing out – apparent interactions happen spontaneously – it's all just noticing, by no one

I see you are very close! Keep going further! Who is seeing who to be very close?! LOL!

Love!

Ilona

Jan 17

Mmm, delightful! Very clear answers.

Yeah, there is no WHO. :)

Resistance to movement is the movement, that arises and passes, just like everything else. Movement of thought is included.

How are you feeling these days? Any doubt? Anything different? If you look back at the start of this conversation, what is most noticeable change? What hasn't changed, that you expected it would?

Sending a hug.

:)))

Friedrich

Jan 17

Thank you Ilona!

Well, I'm feeling pretty much at ease, most of the time, even joyful, for no reason, Much More Relaxed About Everything, even the so-called "future" (what will be will be), Much More Accepting Of What Is, Included So-Called "Others", and if there isn't accepting, that's okay also, because it is seen that this is also just a passing thought/emotion – less importance, except there is importance (LOL), which just is accepted also – more "alertness"/"sharpness" = presence, except when there isn't, which is okay also – no; no doubts at all ("strange"; I didn't even notice this, until you brought it up) – the most noticeable change? For sure, the much more relaxed attitude towards life in general, "my own personality" (LOL)/way of being of this character" – much more joy, without any reason/much less worrying – interesting enough: it has also become much easier to "speak "my" mind", to say no, as well as "yes", which makes life, of course, much easier – it is more a "surfing" life's waves, instead of fighting them and resisting them – more "trust" in the "goodness" of life – what hasn't changed? Still what is perceived as annoying noises (dog barking, children shouting, loud music (except my own, LOL) is arising strong anger, with felt painful body reaction, and still no genius, LOL, and the girls are not waiting in line for me (just kidding!) – Oh! And No Official Diploma, that "I" am now a Officially Certified Enlightened Being, and that everybody, and life in general, would treat me like that! (Not even animals seems to notice this – too bad! LOL!)

Of course, years back I had all kinds of fantasies about "waking up/enlightenment", or whatever we want to call it – by the years, I have become to learn that it hasn't to do anything with those fantasies at all – so, in a way, I could even say that "nothing has changed", while in another way "everything has changed" – "strange", and at the same time, "not strange" – I know that you understand – oh damn! I still have to pay taxes!!! So, this proves that I'm not enlightened yet! I need to work harder! LOL! LOL!

So, thank you Ilona – you did a magnificent job! Or should I say, "life, through the appearance of you, did a magnificent job?! LOL!

Hugging you right back, with a warm, thankful hug!

Ilona

Jan 17

I had tears of joy in my eyes reading this. What a journey! I'm truly delighted to hear the laughter! I LOL-ing with you!

Joy for no reason- that describes it, being, seeing, feeling love.

Welcome home, Friedrich.

..........................

How do you feel about me putting our conversation (or parts of it) on my blog, your story is beautiful, there was so much fighting and the shift to peace. I'm sure many people would enjoy reading it.

I can use whatever name you prefer and take any details out, if you wish.

Thanks for the hug!

Much love.

Friedrich

Jan 17

I had tears of joy in my eyes reading this. May I gently dry them ... ? What a journey! I'm truly delighted to hear the laughter! I LOL-ing with you!

Joy for no reason- that describes it, being, seeing, feeling love.

Welcome home, friedrich. Thank You, Ilona – yes; for sure, it has been "quite a journey"! And then; has it really? LOL!

..........................

How do you feel about me putting our conversation (or parts of it) on my blog, your story is beautiful, there was so much fighting and the shift to peace. I'm sure many people would enjoy reading it. Feelings of joy arise – so yes! Please go ahead! And, it's okay to use "my" name – nothing to hide –

Thanks for the hug! Hugging you again! "Love, love, love" (The Beatles)

Much love.

Friedrich

Ah ... do you remember, Ilona, during our session on Google, the situation with my daddy? Well, I guess it was two or three days later, I actually called my daddy and told him how much I loved him, and his reaction was very "touched" – like, maybe, surprised, or uncomfortable – and he said "I love you too" – it was very touching for me also, VERY important to have been able to let him know that (again), and I felt very joyful during and after that! So, I'm so thankful that that came up in our session, and that it opened up so beautifully!

I just thought that you would may like to know that!

Ilona

That is wonderful! I'm very happy about this, heart opening...

Saturday, 11 January 2014

There Is Nothing Now That Needs Be Held Onto...

B
Hello Ilona and thank you for your ongoing love in offering to guide those who ask.

I'm not sure how much background you require but I'll just write what comes up and you can discard almost all of it!

I haven't any history of meditation, eastern teachings or any non-dual, non-self or unity consciousness philosophy which some of the people in your book used previously and which gave them a language of expression of these things. It's been rather more 'felt' in me than spoken or practiced. I purposely am not reading any more from those examples so you can hear behind the words I use here.

The seeming guidance within has always asked me/the mind to stay away from much to do with 'spiritual teaching' and has just led in simplicity to ask to trust a tangible presence moment by moment. Maybe nature has taught me, and much time alone also. Just being here. The only books I have been 'allowed' (that sounds so funny!) to pick up, read and contemplate have been The Power of Now which immediately dropped itself, A Course in Miracles and a couple of related books (love the language and symbolism) then Jed McKenna’s and yours. Words just immediately disappear (don't stick) and I don't often remember 'books' because most comes within without words.

I've been also guided to stay away from spiritual groups/seekers. Most 'spiritual' writing even the poetry which I know many love like Rumi or other mystics just puts me off, isn't enough, seems insipid, a shallower level where there's not much to find, although in teenage the poetry of St John of the Cross did really keep me going through a very dark night. In fact his one Dark Night poem probably gave this mind everything it needed to know to go forth without letting anything stick to it.

I am 38 and have not ever been able to discover a want for anything from 'this life' (and I've looked) but to forget the strange enchanted dream of specialness and return to the All recalled which seems life lived without constricting ideas of a self. Nothing changed outwardly just everything once perceived through the I now known fluidly as it is in it's truly joined alive and alove nature. Most of the experience I have is of this (like I'm at my destination not noticing the automatic driving which happened to get there) and is exquisite with a serene calm of feeling all is always well and unfolding perfectly at all times, getting better and better, enlarging more fully every moment, whether 'I let it' or not makes no difference. There is so much love and providence/perfection in all moments, even through times such as a very long, disabling illness and my husband dying last year. All moments are all the same whether they look different or not. I feel it's all in one mind and where else have I to go but this? I disappear.

But I come to you at a point Ilona where there is some unusual appearance of intellectualising going on since I met some spiritual seekers last year. It was my first time out in the world in that way. They shocked me (or shock happened!) in their questions about things that 'I' have just taken for granted and have never 'thought' about on the level they were thinking/clinging to thought. They treated/treat me like someone who has it all, has gone all the way, when I never bothered to seek that. (Because the 'person' can't get itself 'enlightened' I didn't waste my time trying to get it to be, just dropped the notion of that impossibility that life/God/us could be more than it is.) So confusion happened with trying to put things in words when asked to explain what can only be felt and known. There's still confusion arising although I'm not distressed about it and trust it, thank it for being there. There's some further to go that it showed up.

Many feel an unusual release of joy/peace (for want of better words) when in contact with me and want to know, want explanations etc. Want me to talk. This sort of thing has happened as a pattern throughout the public times of my life; being wanted, occasionally clung to as if they desire to join to 'my' root system. I let them feel what they want for a moment, thinking we're different, but then they quickly see their own ability. But there is a part of me which finds the actual physical attention difficult and confusing, whilst another just letting it be. I feel there's nothing here that they attach to. But doubt comes in. Could I be doing something more to be of service? Do I need to know what is happening? The guidance laughs and says no. There is still that asking, that query though.
Expectation of what 'I B' would gain from guidance from 'you Ilona.' It feels that thought is nothing and nowhere. There is no expectation, want, desire or feeling that there is any lack here or anything to gain there. Nothing to construct, deconstruct or finish, so even whilst I have written that there is touch of present confusion, maybe a bit left until a 'done moment' I do so without minding/caring about it an iota. Nothing need change. I am not chasing or seeking a thing. I am content to the extent the thought of bliss, peace, everlasting love, 'peace on earth' for everyone etc doesn't interest me as particular phenomenon. What Is Is. There's nothing to seek from a personally experienced phenomena and I am always so unutterably grateful and relieved at that thought. So there is purely a strong drawing to you right now. A happy inner feeling to make your acquaintance and have a conversation with you. I think I'm here to enjoy you and the looking you will help in. The only Christmas present!

I ask myself again. What do I ask from corresponding with you? Maybe it's to make sure that there is no denial of truth going on through intellectualising and that you will correct me if there is? Even that is a me putting a name to it when I'm not that bothered. I don't believe in sin/untruth/mistakes. What else can be said? Asking you just happened before I knew it, as almost everything does, it surprised me. There was immense immersed gratitude for you and Elena and the other people writing...and then the asking. It's just the way it is going and it's that simple beauty which loves itself and is appreciated without any notions of desiring anything but more of 'this' unfolding by itself. 'B' tags along like a devoted puppy. Don't know why. Do you still feel yourself, the personality around as 'a pet' or a strange phenomenon observed?

Now I am looking and looking for any hidden denial about 'wanting' anything from you or feeling at a loss, but for a long time here can only find a smiling back up at me, like a field of daisies. I look under the smiling flowers. Is there anything else? It just says 'Ask help to check and see!' So what there feels like is a basic extreme contentment, a providence of unseen beyond experience graceful proportions and feeling of a flying flow upon which there is rest. Moments of human anxiety/pondering come up in life (for example my house is being sold by executors since my husband has died and I'm trusting I'll be led where to go and what to do) but I notice everything coming up leads to more unfolding (passionate) good even if it can't be seen right at the moment it arises, it is very soon after. I feel like a queen.

Maybe as I write a bit here about parts of my 'journey' you will intuit what I am asking for clarity here on this level about. I feel everything here 'experienced' is deja vue, an effect of a decision before an I, but there's also a feeling of a more consistent WHOLE from an accustomed deeper level of dwelling far beyond 'B' just waiting to arise 100% wholly consistently into an (wholly embodied? Is that what I'm trying to say?) 'experience.' I was willing to have it known beyond dualistic experience before. Perhaps now I ask to have it on every single level.

A few bits of 'journey' (which may be useful or not! Do skip if not!)
I experienced 'B' my'self' as a highly conscious baby. It felt like an already personalised mind watching who was also experiencing mystic union phenomena on other levels. There was both the joining known (i felt aware of 'God') and the separation witnessed, which was witnessed as a decision or a want playing out. Like a child begs for a fairground ride and the parent humours them, smiling. I remember the first time I watched the 'me' identification come in though thought and emotion as a tiny baby. Then opinion and judgement followed a few months later. It was agony and a massive trauma for the me! But it was observed too from most of the mind and not ever taken as wholly real for there for it also knew where it really was. It knew nothing specialised was the truth or relevant but it still seemed to suffer hugely personally on an illusory level. Suffer from witnessing through it's own thought structure which it seemingly couldn't stop (arghhh!) There was much joy but paradoxically incredibly sensitive suffering from the specific specks of 'I' dust that seemed to get in the way of the abstract Light! It, the 'I' tried to stop them and so made them seem real! There wouldn't be any dream of me if I hadn't fought something unreal! I don't know if this is what meditators feel..

When I started school a mantra came in my mind as I came into contact with people trying to get me to 'live' in a particular linear, non-flowing non-abstract way. 'If I can think a thing it must be wrong.' It developed immediately into questioning everything and not trusting ego interpretation of any 'experience' whatsoever, including dualistically 'spiritual', feeling it was a purposeful distraction to the One Life which flowed and was beyond just the level of 'experience.'
Even though the 'I' saw everything which happened always seem to be deja vue 'perfect' (for it felt it was a dualistic script replaying that it knew well and had decided to be ok with) there was still superficial ironic self-torture as the child mind tried to eradicate the 'distraction' of the 'me in the script.' It quite consciously worked hard to maintain itself because it was fearful of 'leaving' its parents who loved it. I always felt this was so inconsistent but a voice within kept saying, 'It's all done. Just trust. Do nothing. I'll do everything.' So I left the unfolding to that.

Also paradoxically, there was joining happening within but outwardly I found it hard to 'join in' as a human in the usual way which seemed driven through personality intention/desire/want/fear/survival etc. I couldn't find any wants in life to energise or engage in a life story. Couldn't conjure any energy for that. There was a felt calling to be a 'healer of minds not bodies' which happened once. (Definitely knew it didn't want to 'heal' or change anything visceral.) That was practically the only definite moment of feeling a 'desire' that I've ever had or witnessed. It took place at 6 months old underneath a statue of Jesus as a (happy!) 'Christ the Healer' with arms outstretched in welcome and joy! I haven't felt the identity has been 'fed' ever since but even then it wasn't to do with a me. There's nothing to feed. It was just the only moment there's been a yes. This is what this one is here for if anything.

I have seen bodies and this body as non restrictive to the light/life flowing through all things as one. They are nothing special. But there has been a struggle of ideas about personal physical energy and grounded-ness throughout my life. Then an extremely severe paralysing illness which kept me completely isolated until the past year when years of rehabilitation from my amazing late husband led me back out into the world, almost at his death. I still find with amusement that the mind constantly judges that my physical energy/ability is insufficient for requirements here even whilst feeling an extremely powerful and constant angelic sensation of different levels of light and 'energy' which I'd describe as just the beauty of beingness which lives itself the only life there is. Every moment is felt to be 'led' by this 'light' whatever the 'body' is experiencing. Why there is still that superficial habit of body-energy judgement going on is something to question for I'm not unhappy with what its judging.

The 'I' also still questions the use of communication through the body even whilst deeply enjoying the world of form like the most exquisite work of art ever. It feels the job is limitless appreciation, that's the only thing I do well. I have no work and no skills although people come to me. So there is still confusion about how to be in this world physically, within a mystic state or two, even though it just happens. There's also been a peculiar form of shyness Ilona. Soul shyness? No attention has been wanted personally whatsoever. The mind felt invisibly abstract for years. Got offered a place as a nun but turned it down as knew it would be too easy and there would be no development in that situation. I'd done solitude and isolation. That part was done but I still question whether there is any denial to look at further, which that not-wanting-any-attention purposefully covers up. The zeal says, I want nothing left undone.

Is that ok? I'm conscious this is probably far more than you need to know! Anyway that's what has been written today. I send you it unedited if you don't mind (please see all! I have no shame for know you love!) and also unedited, hugely smiling love and gratitude.
Thank you.
B

Ilona
Hi B,

Thank you for beautiful email. It was real pleasure to read. I had a huge smile on my face all the way through reading it. It just happens, you send a message to say hello and see what happens next. You sound very clear and perhaps the only thing you seek is a connection. Or maybe the want to help others on their journey.

I don't think you need my help at all, but we can be friends.

I always was a loner too and communities never appealed to me, until somehow LU emerged. It's such a wonderful place to share and connect with other characters. You are very welcome to join, if you wish so.

We usually ask some questions and see if there are any sticky points, if you would like to answer them, let me know. :)

Sending love.

B
Dear Ilona, thank you. Thank you for being pleasured by reading that email....which makes me smile too for I felt it was a bit of a strange one and rather wordy to be pleasurable!

There is such a glow when I am aware of you and I am sincerely grateful for your response, although not sure if I am as clear as Clarity. But that doesn't matter. I'd love to be friends...

Yes, probably connection is now being sought, an attraction to like minds. And yes, a looking into whether there is something here for others and how to let it be and do it's thing without interference. There's learning happening there. How to let what seems assistance be.

I'm not sure if I could 'commit' to a forum if that makes sense. I tried once before and totally forgot to look at it or post there. Emails ping at me which is how I remember them! I will just let the thought about the forum be and wait to see if I'm drawn there. To me it's not a small investment, for Love is maximal in it like everything else. I couldn't not give all there. But all is here now so whether it wants to spill, coalesce and have fun intermingling in LU is it's business. It always knows best.

With the gracious love of Love boomeranging back to you and many smiles across the miles...
:-))))
(actually not that many miles...)
xxx

Ilona
Hi B,
Sorry about delay with answer, all this Christmas thing got in a way of my routine.. Hope you had great celebrations. :)

I'd love to invite you to Facebook groups, if you are after connections and meeting other characters. We usually ask some questions and see if there are any sticky points that can be worked through. Would you like to answer them?

Have a great day,
Much love.

B
Hi Ilona,

I trust Christmas was as lovely for us as every other day, but yes, it was truly sweet thank you. I hope you've enjoyed it too!

Yes, I will answer any questions on Facebook groups although have looked since we spoke and really can't find any 'intention' anywhere (for more connection or anything else) or any, 'fish in my sea' (I go out fishing even when I'm fully stocked up...) But despite that yes, because everyone is loving and I appreciate any invitation to have joy and gratitude in each other.

Much love from here too x

Ilona
Happy new year to you B!
I have enjoyed the celebrations; it was great time :) hope you too.

Here are some questions, take your time, just write what feels true and in full.

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

5) Do you decide, intend, choose, control events in Life? Do you make anything happen? Give examples from your experience.

6) Anything to add?

Looking forward to hear from you.
Much love.

B
Hi Ilona! I'm glad you've had a great time and enjoyed everything.
Yes it has also been very lovely here, a gentle, sweet, very happy time with friends and at home, and I'm still very much enjoying all the holiday atmosphere around in the air.

And a very happy and beautiful new year to you too.

Thanks for the questions. I think I know now why I contacted you. Purely for more enjoyment of all life is. I glanced at the questions and felt, 'Great. Fun!' I have found two exquisite chocolates and a cup of tea so I happily sit down to see what comes up.

1) and 2)
No. There has never been an I, me, you, self, personal volition or any 'thing' separate on any level whatsoever. (And no hidden levels where the apparent 'darkness' of denial could form something unreal to be real.)

There is nothing of a self here in any way to be seen or experienced in form, word, belief or deed. There is only a belief system of meaningless thought which 'plays' with the 'idea' of it. But a belief or system of labelling cannot be made into form, only perceived as influencing such. This is 'it's' only purpose. To appear to 'influence' to name, to occlude by focusing on a specific name rather than the fact of existence itself. It's momentum comes from a belief which has no basis but a 'what if' idea! It seems (in my experience) to be an innocent idea/purpose because it is a misunderstanding which is shown to never had any harmful effects...just child's play...so I will not judge it has hurt a 'me' or a 'you' or left anyone or anything out in its false appraisals.

So occlusion using the idea of a separate I has no purpose, power or function in reality, and once seen is shown to have (joyfully!) never interfered in What Is Always. We are joined in innocence, understanding and in every gift of Life and Love. We are not our bodies or separate entities in thought, heart or mind, but dwell in freedom and enjoyment together. We are here for mutual gain in and through our shared capacity for the freedom of Reality, and the Joy which comes from delighting in our Oneness. Without the belief in an I we recognize all we are here to do is receive ourselves through the purity of our being, love and adore.

To me then, experiencing separate bodies, thoughts and feelings can be utilised for utter joy in play. It is in that play through apparent differences that multiplicity easily and breathlessly is transformed into the dynamic art and movement of Heaven.

3) I suppose I've seen it for most of my life but until recently as I entered the physical world did not know that 'others' didn't, or that the dynamic 'living' in me was in more awareness of freedom than I'd ever bothered to 'think about' or even notice. That was the shock, and why it's been delightful and very useful to talk with you. There is now a feeling of increased freedom. The using of language for a useful while, as oppose to communication from an abstract inner landscape has helped the persona feel more comfortable about being in the world in a particular, language based, physical, noticed, commented upon way. I believe Ilona that there is now a freeing up of letting 'B' be to an even greater extent. But it is subtle, for it was always happening and you are more evidence of that. It was already 'there' in terms of expansion with no restriction but now, daily now, has more and more evidence of play and play and play! B was always free but now is even more free to be. There is nothing now that needs be held onto...

4) a bit that 'pushes over' is always viewed as a prior decision that was made, with this in present awareness being the 'effect' which is now seen on this level and available for comment! But within here the effect of 'change' always and only solely reminds of the decision. Not of personal volition but of grace which could be spoken of as the moment it was ripe the fruit fell.

5) No thank goodness! There is no personal volition or this really would be Hell!!
There is no Hell only an ever extending Providence which flawlessly directs all and holds all in its loving embrace. I trust it. Or rather. What I am is Trust. I am gratitude. I am the effect of that abiding Love. There is nothing but Love and it's reception. I am the space in which Love receives itself. 'My' life is a moment by moment series of gratitude for what is occurring in Eternity, not just the instant now, but for always and for all. I feel guided, almost 'told' what to do/say every moment as a persona. I never make anything happen for happening just happens and it always shows itself as wholly trustworthy and for the good of all. Good of all the I could never work out by itself. Good to raise all and free all, at once in endless symmetry of pure genius!

I do not make decisions intellectually for they are shown to have occurred within on the Foundational level where the trust is trusting. Thoughts are noted to be a specific commentary for a mistaken idea that being asleep to the now brings 'rest' and they are nothing to do with Love or Life itself. But they are not judged because they are residing within innocence even if what they are is not true. The pure in heart are those not without thought but without a thought to judge thought. I live and have only ever been residing in a flow where Grace is the only volition possible and where boundless trust takes me further and further into delicious adventure, and what may be regarded on one level as miracles every day. However, to me, everything is the same and has no additional virtue than what it already Is, in itself. Love is All we Are and 'Life' is a watching of an expression of the Effect of Love upon the innocent heart of God.

6) Yes. Thank you my dear friend and beautiful voice for that Love for providing this opportunity to share. There had been a moment of feeling really flummoxed by the way 'spiritual' thought was twisting itself up in knots in the world, and there were questions whether I 'should' be relating to those apparently doing so in this one's accustomed way. A way of tremendous and very much apparent joy and delight in them and light-hearted carelessness about 'enlightenment.' There was wondering the best way to serve and be amongst. This has seamlessly and rapidly answered the queries within me to just continue to let the person of B go free as it experiences itself to be, in conjunction with the stars and lights it is meeting, and to continue to blaze with joy whatever they seem to do or react to. To not halter the expression coming out is I suppose what is being said and experienced. For a moment, there was wondering how it had come to this, and how to continue but I am answered thank you.

So you have been the symbol to affirm that endless ability for freedom and love, in whatever expression comes forth, through this persona and with all. No friction, no restriction, just let the river become the falls and flow. I'm ready now to go out into the physical world in whatever way Love shall direct itself this moment.

In celebration with you and all. Thank you from our heart Ilona. Thank you very very much for the space of love to be.

In bee-ing blessings xxx

Ilona
Hi B,

Thank you for lovely answers. :)
I'd like you to clarify the question 4, just write simply of what was happening prior realisation, what happened, what were your first thoughts after it was seen, in other words, what exactly was the tipping point. Can you describe the moment when the "fruit fell". I know it's a story, but give it a shot.

Your current answer contradicts with answer 5.

Sending lots of love..

B
I will give it a shot! It may have happened quite a while ago and so not the easiest to recall as a lot of fruit dropped before there was language or words or thought during a long illness. Maybe that was why there was a fascination occurring when reading your book? that people do this through direct pointing and words. This is just the beginning though.
But thanks for asking for more clarity here for I'm finding a desire to go back and notice properly what happened through the story. Thanks Ilona.

Prior: everything was in relation to an 'I' and seemed to be judged and labeled by it, which was thought then to be real and 'me' doing stuff, being 'alive' here. It seemed very serious and seeking and efforting to keep a personal sense of self going. There was then a recognition of the fruitlessness of any sort of quest for what was felt that already was. But there was also 'pain' occurring as the 'I' tried to 'get rid of' itself even whilst being terrified there would be only annihilation.

What happened/tipping point: After a deal of searching for it (in order to find it and 'end' it as the 'source' of the pain) there was one day just the seeing that it was not there and never had been there to either find or eradicate. There was the seeing that there never had been any personal volition happening prior. That everything had happened on its own and was continuing to do so just as it always had done, just without a label. It seemed no big deal not to find an I, no great surprise, just a very natural finding. The thought was just dropped and then there was huge, immediate relief, peace and rest and beautiful physical relaxation and expansiveness happening. Any guilt disappeared and was not found again for spacious innocence was seen to be happening in all things, including what I had thought 'I'd been.' After the I was seen through as only a label it then seemed the first breath was taken, except it always had been breathing itself, so no difference. That was the best thing. No difference. I don't remember when this was Ilona but it was sometime during the long illness my brain was in and where I couldn't think, so there wasn't a putting words to it until the past few weeks. It still seems a strange thing to do but its happening so I'm going with it.

Can I describe it more? Before: unease, pushing, seeking, effort, friction, confusion. After, ease, release, freedom, indefinite expansion, blue skies, space, light, senses observed/transformed as if they were now open to daylight, to hear, see, smell, taste, touch for the first time without limitation, but life was observed as exactly the same as before, just arising of itself.
The persona immediately felt to expand as the universe and free to be enjoyment. Now, no lack anywhere, in anything. All was always All for All and always had been.

First feelings? Like flying. Airy, light, free, liberated in all space and time, beyond the body. beyond the stars. Don't know if I had that many thoughts for a long while. Might have after a time started to think but initially maybe just felt that everything was/is the same and of immortal stuff which is unlimited, always together and that no 'history' had ever happened that was not liberated throughout. Tis not the easiest thing to put this into words but there's my go.

With thanks x

Ilona
Lovely description, B, I see that you see! Delightful.. Much love felt here!

Would it be ok with you to post our conversation on my blog, for others to read? I can use your name, initial or any other name you prefer and take out any personal details if you wish so. This way I can ask other guides to look read and see if they have any other questions, if not, I would invite you to LU groups. There is great support, if needed and many new friends to share with.

Sending love!

B
Much love to you too lovely Ilona!

Yes, that's ok although yes do edit out any unnecessary personal details if they are not useful. Could you also use the initials J B or just B for my name as my late husband's name for me was always, 'Just be' and it always has me in a laughing smile. X