Burning Jessica

July 18
Jessica:
thank you so much for your blog!!!!

Ilona:
Thank you Jessica. Lovely to meet you.

Jessica:
Hi Ilona, I am super exhausted and hope to sleep soon, but I really want to work with you. I feel I am so close. I have been reading your blog over the past couple days, something huge happened the first night I read it-- I had this period of awe and just seeing things happening without "me". I read it over and over, your second letter to Paul. It was like something popped but not all the way because it feels like doubt and confusion have come after.

After so long of searching and doing inquiries and tearing my heart out, struggling, trying to surrender, wracking my brain, thrashing about emotionally intellectually blah blah blah --how can it be so simple???!!! I noticed it helps before I go back to reading or writing to just jot down any expectations or assumptions I have about liberation. I don't even inquire into them, just jot them down. And I keep reading your blog and writing on my own, I started answering the questions you were asking and now when I write I imagine I am writing to you. Will you help me?

Ilona:
of course my dear, I’ll help you.
so what have you got so far?

………………………………………………………

Here I get 10 pages of processing. So I just cut it out, personal stuff.

………………………………………………………

Ilona:
Ok ok I see you are on fire!!
Chill. All good, just need to relax a bit and focus. I'll be asking some questions and you really need to answer them as precisely as you can with 100% honesty. We will get through this once and for all. Agreed?

First questions:
Where do thoughts come from? Can you control them? Can you stop them in the middle? If you were an owner of mind, that would be possible, right?

Write to me what you notice about thoughts. It helps if you close your eyes for a bit, find that which is here always, feeling of being, " I am" and notice how the thoughts label experience.
See how feeling comes up and labelling follows, sound comes up and labelling follows.

So write to me what you see here.

Jessica:
Thank You!!!! Ok- I want to be able to focus and really look and I am exhausted-- haven't slept much that experience 2 days ago and it's almost 4am for me. I will take this in and really look and get back to you first thing tomorrow for me.

Ilona:
Waking up has that effect, can't sleep much.  it's ok. It's already happening, intensity is here, intention too, freedom is just a few questions away.
Write to me and we will untangle this mess together.

Jessica:
Where do thoughts come from?
I get the thought that I’m unable to know, or not allowed to know for some reason. Haha, that’s the thought that seems to prevail here.. Kind of like a kid before they know where babies come from. When I look I get this sense as though I am a child in the universe, not smart enough or capable of seeing the answer. Then there’s the thought that I am just being difficult and I should answer like everyone else. That thoughts arise out of nowhere. Then the thought: what if there’s something I’m missing?

When I sit still, thoughts seem to come from another thought. Then I get the thought that the first thought was I… maybe I heard that somewhere before, and it makes sense. When I ask myself where do thoughts come from— I don’t know. Where are thoughts actually in the first place? I can find a thought and still it somehow seems partially hidden from me. I can find the word “thought” in my mind and then I can find images and even I can hear the word pronounced in my mind. “In my mind”… hmmmm. I can find the thought that mind is inside my head. Is it really?
I notice breathing and the label of breathing.

It doesn’t seem that I can control them, especially since I don’t know what my next thought will be. But there is this sense or belief that I can choose or direct them somehow. I can be more interested in one thing and not the other, shift direction, and sometimes that seems to work. Also, there’s this sense that I am choosing all my thoughts, even ones that suck and feel stressful… like there’s 2 selves.. Like a conscious and an unconscious self and they seem to be in a kind of conflict. Seem… ugh, I’m thinking this is just a story and I’m getting way off track. I’ve seen how other people get this so clear with concise answers. But there’s just this feeling that I’m missing something –and that to just agree that that thoughts come from nowhere just because I can’t find where seems somehow…. It feels like I’m agreeing that the earth is flat because I have no evidence otherwise. Well, funny enough, the other way around –to believe that there is a self and that thoughts come from somewhere when I haven’t seen it is nice and presumptuous as well. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be difficult. I will sit and look longer, but this is where I'm at so far.
 
It also feels like there’s a “me” or a conscious thing on one end of a point of attention that’s giving focus to one thought or another, caring about or believing in certain thoughts over others. Giving power or meaning to certain thoughts over others.

Ilona:
Ok, slow down, all good, but, please, be more precise. When you type, before sending delete all that is unnecessary. Just read through what you wrote and leave only that which you are 100% sure of.

Thoughts come from nowhere.
Yes.
They appear in space of awareness and disappear to nowhere.

We will be taking small steps and your answers need to be clear. As long as they are not clear, stay there until they are, no rush at all.

Of course it feels that there is a you in there! You have been used to this since you remember!

Now I want you to consider this seriously.

There is no separate self at all in real life. Zero. None at all.

Look inside and register feelings when you think this thought.

Is there fear, uneasiness, frustration?
Describe what you see when you are ready.

Do not worry about anything else for now, just do this little step.

Jessica:
Ok- I hope this is condensed enough, should I put less?
Excitement. Blank. Then images of me being ripped apart, flattened, taken away by a current, swept away. Sad. Thoughts of mother, father. Images of my family blown away like sand or swept away by a river. Tears. Then my tears seem fake. Laughing. Then sad again feels more real. Sad, relief, lost, doubt, confusion, frustration, wavering between excitement and fear. Sensation of ringing through my body

Ilona:
All good.

I want you to look closer at fear. Can you see that it's just a mechanism of protection?
Can you look behind fear and see what's there?

Can you look at all this cocktail of feelings and just let them be? Notice that they appear and disappear to nowhere just like thoughts. All by themselves without anyone driving them.

Can you see how feelings appear and labelling kicks in by itself?

Jessica:
I can just look at this cocktail of feelings and thoughts and just let them to be, YES! That seems to be the thing I can do, or the thing that is happening.
I see how sensations appear and immediately a label, or sometimes it seems a thought and then a sensation..? it feels messy! Label: messy and disorganized. Struggle to focus. When I try to locate the fear or look closer it seems to slip away or just turn into a bunch of thoughts. Frustration. Impatient Lots of stuff coming up. I’ll keep writing out my thoughts and see what else I can find.

Ilona:
Good stuff, you see how this works, experience on sensory level + labelling of mind.

Don't look into content of thoughts, just thoughts as containers of content.
All will become clearer as we go through this process.

Ok, What happens, if you let this thought in:

There is no separate self at all in real life. Zero. Just life flowing freely.

What's happening inside?

Jessica:
Ok- (just in case) 2 things came up when I tried to pinpoint what the fear was protecting.
#1 was a sense of control, a thought of having control+ familiar sensation.
#2 was this thought about my mother. Some weird loyalty to my mother --like believing in her because I love her. Maybe that is weird and way off base-- is that the content? The part not to look into?

 <<There is no separate self at all in real life. Zero. Just life flowing freely.>>
When I sit with this I feel a sort of split. One part feels to reject it, frustration. Thought that I don’t get it, blank, unable to grasp it.. I’ve heard it before and it’s just words.
Then underneath that, or along with that I feel a ringing in my body. Sensations. Labels: pain, buzzing, ringing, pressure, tension, confusion.
Also, images of people, planets, rivers…life moving. A bigger picture, kind of like a generic national geographic montage.

and an uncomfortable feeling- label: being tiny and lost. Image: a leaf blowing in the wind.

Ilona:
What feels that split? It's just a feeling + labelling. There is nobody separate from life feeling this. It's what is felt, feeling and feeler in one as one.

All these feelings are happening by themselves to no one.

So is it true, that here is no self at all?

Jessica:
Haha yeah, just feeling and labelling. Duh. Sensation and thought + label: frustration! Ahhhhh! Sensation and thought + label: I’m failing. I will fail at answering this question! But where is the one that will fail? There is the label: failing, and the thought of “I”… but can only find “I” pointing to other thoughts and sensations. No I here in the present moment. There is the persistent thought+ sensation: being the one looking for this “I” in this moment and not finding it. Where is the one looking? Thoughts that it has to be hard, that “I” am too stupid to get this, that this is just another trick, that I am just replacing one belief with another. All thoughts, still can’t pin point a me here now, and yet, still urge to try and do so. Fear of giving up? Why can’t I just surrender? Frustration!!!! Label: discouraged. Label: I suck, I'm not doing this right. Staying with the sensation of frustration now... feels like more ringing in my body

Ilona:
Frustration just is. Look behind. What is behind frustration?
Is there a feeler?

Jessica:
behind the label of frustration, another label: fear. Fear of not getting this. behind that? just sensation of intense ringing in the body. Is there a feeler? there is the label. the sensation. the body. can't find a feeler. the thought that the body is feeling it... is the body feeling it or is feeling just happening and the body is just happening. How could this sensation be felt without the body?

Ilona:
Ok, good good. Fear is feeling and it is felt clearly. Can you see that it's a protection mechanism, working perfectly to protect something. Can you examine it closer?
Is there anything that needs to be protected?

Jessica:
this feels like a partial guess. Like I'm not 100% sure. So far it seems to protect the belief of me as a separate self. The thought that I am part of this body. The body being the feeler. Without the body how would I feel or experience anything. Fear says I would cease to be...

Ilona:
Let's carry on tomorrow. Let this sink in. Relax for a bit, maybe go for a walk. It helps to be in nature and just notice totality of all that is.
Do you have a pet? If so, watch how he operates. See if human is different then animal.
You've done well today and we are certainly getting closer.  the shift is already happening. Just notice the obvious.
Much love.

Jessica:
I'll take some time outside and I will write more as it is only afternoon for me. Thank you so much!
And I will try to relax and let it sink in!
So much excitement.

July 20th
Ilona:
Yes! The fear says that 'I' would be lost. Of course! Only there is no I as a separate entity, there never was. Can you look behind this fear, what is there?

Body, brain exists. Feelings, sensations, emotions are. But are they happening to anyone? Or are they just happening as reaction to environment.
Yes, there would nor be hearing, touching, smelling without body. But does body need a feeler? Is there a feeler in a dog? How about fish?
Aren't animals biological machines? Is human body different? Brain is more evolved, yes, but does that change anything? Does that make a human own life?

Just answer these question precisely

Jessica:
If there is no I how can there be anything behind the fear? If there is no I to feel afraid? Trying to look at the fear and unable to focus. Ahhhh! I don't have a precise answer-- I feel like the belief in mental confusion is holding me back. How can I be confused if there is no I to be confused? So much frustration right now and feeling stuck.

I will sit longer with this but since we started talking I struggle with writing or finding things. Like I am trying to be precise and not just trusting what comes up. Everything seems harder and I start to struggle and get nowhere.
And when I look to find the I that is struggling I don't find it. I do find the label I and sensations. There is also a thought that I'm confused, something is hidden from me. If I break that down there is the thought of confusion and sensations, and the thought of something being hidden and images and sensations. Confusion is happening(or belief in confusion), but no I. Frustration happening.

Ilona:
Ok, the difficulty to write comes from starting to think for yourself, not just letting any thoughts out, but finding the right ones. Of course it's difficult, but it's a start. It will get easier.
The point of writing precise is checking in what feels true. 100% true. That is not an easy task, but we have time, no rush. It's more important to answer it precise, than fast without thinking.

Fear is felt in the body, a sensation, feeling, knot in a stomach, animals feel fear too... So it's not bound to I, it is a real feeling.
It's like a security system.
Can you see?

Question is, what needs to be protected? If there is no I, there is nothing to protect. Yes.

How about other questions that I asked in previous message. Can you answer them, please.

Don't make it too difficult, it's not really, write what feels right, that's all.

Jessica:
<<Body, brain exists. Feelings, sensations, emotions are. But are they happening to anyone? Or are they just happening as reaction to environment. >>
Seems like they are just happening.
<<Yes, there would nor be hearing, touching, smelling without body. But does body need a feeler? Is there a feeler in a dog? How about fish? >>
I find a thought of a dog or a fish with a soul or something. But I can’t find that it’s true.
<<Aren't animals biological machines? Is human body different? Brain is more evolved, yes, but does that change anything? Does that make a human own life? >>
No, that doesn’t make human own life

Ilona:
Great! We are moving forward.
So are we clear, that sensations, feelings are happening, but they are not happening to anyone. Labelling is happening all by itself too, including thoughts of I and self.

Can you now look straight at the real possibility, that there is no self at all. What comes up?

Jessica:
Sensations are felt in the body and there is a thought of an additional feeler—inside the body… like 3rd generation, feeling the sensations. Where is this additional feeler. I can only find the thought of a soul or some ethereal entity.
Ok- looking at the possibility that there is no self at all...
So many things come up. Sometimes relief. Sensations in my chest. Thoughts/sensations labelled doubt frustration
Ringing through my body. heightened alertness
thoughts and sensations that there is a hidden self lingering where "I" can't see it. That there really is a self doing the watching and looking and now believing a new thing
....a feeling in the body with the label self


it's hard to stay with just that thought-- that there is no self at all. Anger and frustrations and distracting thoughts about not getting this, about doubt, about not doing this right arise and move away from just simply looking at that possibility
so much anger and frustration and doubt

Ilona:
Intensity is necessary, sometimes it's the breaking point.

Look, there is really no self. All these feelings are just happening by themselves and feeling, felt and feeler are one, nothing is separate.

Just let them feelings pass by, have a peek behind, is there anything directing that flow?

So yes, there is no watcher, no observer, no feeler, just life flowing freely in the now.

You can not see, seeing happens. It's happening right now, just notice....

Jessica:
I can't find anything directing the flow, no
so much sensation/thought labelled confusion and frustration
yes, seeing is happening
And when I look for the I (or when looking happens) what is here is just a label I attached to thoughts and sensation. So if I is just a thought how can a thought see? How can a thought do anything? It is just a thought and has no power to act on it's own. It can only just be a thought. So "I" cannot see, think, feel, or do anything but just exist as a thought

this is clear, there's just this feeling of missing something, of not completely knowing this, of doubt. Of slipping back into believing and acting as though I exist.

I saw it a few nights ago when I was reading your blog (Paul). It felt especially clear with the looking-- looking was just happening, no looker. Everything for that night was like that. Sensations happening, Thoughts happening. Then wake up next day and old habits happening, believing in the "I" happening, wanting a huge profound explosive change happening. Feeling impatient happening. Seems like I get it, just not as clearly and as completely as the desire that is happening now is pointing to. A feeling of wanting to be so clear and free and completely awake is happening. But what does it matter if there's no one to be completely awake? Ahhhhh!

Ilona:
Yes! It's right here, seeing is happening. What is described here is that. !!
Clarity comes, nothing needs to be done or can be done.
One thing: shift is very subtle, you may not recognise it, I can see from your writing- is obvious that it's happening.

Relax now, let it sink in. No big boom, no fireworks, no angels singing, just a drop of belief.

If you believe in Santa and then you see that it's your dad, there is no boom, just realisation that Santa is not real. Same here, just a drop of belief.

So answer me this:
What is Jessica?
How does she operate, what makes decisions? Is there a driver for Jessica?

You are doing soo well  not much left, stay with it.

Jessica:
What is Jessica. Jessica is a label for a story, collection of thoughts images, memories, sensations associated with this body. Jessica is a word, a label, a thought so Jessica cannot operate or make decisions. How can a thought make decisions or operate in the world? There’s a story that Jessica owns this body or is part of this body. Jessica does not own this body, how can a label own anything?
How does she operate?

Jessica does not operate, other than just existing as a word/label that points to a thought or a story of “Jessica” which includes this body. Since Jessica is just a label Jessica does not do anything.

Does the word “run” actually run? Or do anything else for that matter? Same thing with Jessica, it just points to a story. But running does happen, Jessica does not. Belief in Jessica happens…. body living happens...

What makes decisions? Nothing makes decisions. The story of Jessica making a decision happens. The feeling of making decisions happens and the "I" thought attaches. Is there a driver? No. Not a separate driver other than life.

Ilona:
Cool. Now look a step closer:

There is a story, story is real. Jessica is a character in the story. Fictional character, but real fiction. She is playing out the role perfectly.
Can you see her this way?

Jessica:
I can see the story of Jessica. Like Santa. I can look at this life and see that there's a story unfolding.

Ilona:
So is there a self in real life at all?

Jessica:
no

Ilona:
What is real?

Jessica:
life. now. ....the words on the screen. the keyboard. Thoughts happening now, sensations. sounds. whatever is happening now. whatever can be found here now.

Ilona:
Woo hooo!!!! Yes!
How is feeling inside?

What was that last push? What was that made "you" disappear and seeing happen?
Please rant about it.   now I want to hear everything that comes up! I love clarity of fresh seeing. Please share :))

Jessica:
Actually, pretty tired and in a mild and pleasant way the feeling of not giving a fuck. Thoughts of needing to do more, go further, fear of slipping or missing something bubble up....
Ok! I will write more and answer tomorrow.
I'm in bed and just letting everything be. it's so nice

Ilona:
Good night, Jessica.  I'll look forward to your message.
Lots of love.

Jessica:
thank you
thank you so much

Ilona:
You are most welcome! I appreciate you contacting me so much.

............

Ilona:
How is it going today, Jessica?

Jessica:
good. just lying in bed still

llona:
Nice. So the searching dropped? All clear?

Jessica:
No, it still feels like there’s more to do or a ways to go. I get stuck when I write to you, like it doesn’t flow because I get caught up with the idea of being concise and feel blocked and frustrated. Even now when it's not so important. I understand why it’s important though—and I see that it helped me to just answer the questions and not get sidetracked. And how it helped me to see that I already saw it and not get tangled up in all the feelings of doubt and other stall tactics.

I think I just need to keep writing more on my own. Clean up some more. Yesterday it helped to write out my expectations and assumptions about liberation and to question thoughts like "I'm confused" so I could see that confusion was just a thought/sensation happening or appearing and no "I". Last night and this morning it felt good to just be, no searching. Now there’s identifying with the confusion and frustration and impatience again though…. the desire to feel completely clear, to be free of this belief in self. Seems like it's still lurking in the fog or there out of habit. Maybe I should question that there's any fog... this habit in believing in confusion...

any suggestions?

There's these thoughts and sensations of frustration and confusion fear and doubt that are coming like waves. Maybe it's just old habit on it's way out.
How was it for you when you saw it? Did you feel done?

Ilona:
I did not feel done for a few days, but I knew for sure, that there is no self. It takes time to settle, yes, so just keep writing.
The clarity grows, when beliefs fall.
Observe what is habit itself. How does it work? It's a bit like hangover... after seeing through illusion itself, old patterns are still there to be inspected and released. Work further till it's clear. Write out everything that feels true. Trust it. Just keep noticing the obvious.

Let's talk more tomorrow.


Jessica:
yes, please. Thank you!!!!

Ilona:

Jess, can you let me know if I can help any more and if it's cool with you to put this on my blog
Much love.

Jessica:
Hi- yes, sure, go ahead and put it on your blog. Can you take any really personal stuff out --name... sorry I wrote my name in there a million times! I'm still processing stuff. Feels like there's more to be done... Sometimes the realization seems to disappear or to be unavailable and lots of unconscious old perspective going on, then thoughts of frustration.... Today has been busy so I'm waiting for time to sit and write out more... to look at the expectations and other beliefs...There's a thought about wanting more clarity... You asked me to observe what habit is and how it works and I'd still like to get back to you on that later today or tomorrow if that's ok. Thank you so much for your blog and all of your help and feedback.

July 23

Jessica:
Hi Ilona, Thanks again for all of your support. I read your correspondence with Paul to a friend last night and things still lit up, sensations and thoughts of aha still…. Does that mean something is missing? There’s this strong thought of Jed Mckenna saying FURTHER!

This is what is coming up today: Why does it still seem like there’s a me? Seeming happens. When I look there’s just the thought and the sensation…. And yet sometimes the sensation of believing happens, and the mind tells a story of being stuck, of not getting it. Old beliefs of not doing something right are so intense. The realization seems lost sometimes… Does this mean it hasn’t been seen completely? Can that happen? What is in the way of complete clarity? Assumptions about what it will be like? Belief in thoughts of confusion? When not paying attention I go right back into old thinking habits –or old thinking habits attached to the “I” thought seem to take 

You asked me to look at habit—what is habit, how does it work? It appears to be a repeated pattern of thought and sensation and response that is attached to the “I” thought. Thoughts of wanting clarity arise attached to the “I” thought so it appears that “I” am thinking these thoughts, and these thoughts come with sensations labeled confusion and frustration. So not only is the thought of confusion believed but it seems that there’s a “me” who is confused. A “me” who wants help, who wants clarity. It helped to question the thought, “I’m confused”. I’m confused, is that true? Where is the one who is confused? Looking closer at the thought “confused” on it’s own was interesting, when believed there is a whole world of seemingly personal feeling and images— but where is confused right now other than a thought? How can confused be real? There’s no confusion happening in this moment other than

Thoughts arise that something is missing, that “I” haven’t done it completely, that there’s more to clean up. Beliefs and assumptions are blocking “me”. The urge to seek is still happening. Ilona, when you saw that you weren’t the doer, that there was no doer was it just clear and done right then? The sense of doership is still so strong. Waking up in the morning and there are loads of “I” thoughts and sensations. What is in the way of complete clarity? Is it just a matter of bringing consciousness to unconscious patterns, Just stop and see that there is no self over and over? Sometimes the sensations and thoughts are so strong and I get caught up and believe in confusion and doubt happening to s self. Can I find the one wanting complete clarity? Sigh… no. Can I find the one that is sighing about this? Haha no. Can I find the one frustrated and doubting? Nope! Can I find the one who feels ashamed of being such a stubborn idiot? …no. So it seems that this is just a habit… the seeking more clarity. The obsession with being done.

Ahhh, what could be more clear? There is NO ONE feeling/thinking/doing all this shit so it doesn’t matter! Right? Is this just an inability to accept the truth? Is resistance just happening?

Ilona:
Jessica, clean up is a process, it takes time. Doubts will keep arising until ALL of them are inspected, recognised and cleared. For me it was about a couple of months. So just trust the process.

No, there is no you doing any of it, it's just happening. Including the doubt and confusion. It will clear.

It's a bit like hangover. Or like whe somebody looses an arm, they can still feel it for a while. Brain keeps referring to the thought 'i' but has been knocked out. So it's looking for it and keeps bringing stuff up to confirm that there is the 'i'
until it's all clear.

Seeing through illusion knocks the core, then it all starts to fall like dominoes.

Hold on to nothing and it will be least painful way to finish the mess.

Much love.

Jessica:
Thank you, Ilona! I love what you wrote to Paul: <<What is behind feeling " trying"?
"I am trying too hard." is a thought effortlessly appearing. >> Haha. Duh

Thank you thank you thank you.

Ilona:
No worries. Just watch out for traps. Always look inside. It will become clear in time.