My YouTube Journey to 5000 Subscribers

I started posting on my YouTube channel in 2018 while living in Mexico. I had a message that was pressing to come through, something that felt like a voice looking for words, and I wanted to find a way to let it out. I had been working with people for years already, sharing the same exercises, the same metaphors, and I thought, if I could record this, I could just send people to watch a video. I could reach more people that way. That idea excited me and I was determined to make it work.

Living at the end of a road in a jungle, the internet ran on 5 megabits. My phone had barely any storage, so I would record a little, delete something to make space, then record again. It took a day and a half sometimes just to upload seven minutes of video. I had no idea how to edit, so I did take after take. It was a struggle by any measure. But something inside kept saying, keep going, this is right. And so I did. The first subscribers came, and that meant something.

In 2020, I decided to take it seriously. I spent two months just watching other creators, learning how things worked. I felt like a first grader walking into school for the first time. The equipment, the lighting, the delivery, the thumbnails, the intros. It was overwhelming and exciting at the same time, and there was a moment where I could have just stopped there, convinced it was too much to learn. Instead, I decided to focus on one video at a time and trust that experience would teach me what no amount of watching could. Every failure felt like a step up.

Some of those early videos are still up. I'll be honest, when I watch them now, I feel a little embarrassed. But I also know they still work as a pointer for someone who needs them. I took some down at one point and got an email from someone looking for them, which said everything. They stay now, and when I watch them, I can see exactly how far this has come.

In 2023, someone asked me why I wasn't putting the recordings out as audio so people could listen on the go. That one question became the Awakening Now podcast. And with that came a whole new layer of learning. It also pushed me to show up more consistently, which led me somewhere I never expected to go, interviewing teachers and people on the path.

I started with people I already knew. Then I began reaching out to people I didn't know, and that didn't always work. Some conversations never happened, some felt like a miss, and that was frustrating because I wanted to bring something genuinely valuable rather than just fill the space with noise. But sitting down with someone for a conversation turned out to be something quite different from sitting with someone in a session. Here I was the listener. I was learning about someone else's work, someone else's way of seeing. And something unexpected happened. Sometimes a single word from a guest would land in me. Sometimes a metaphor, or a sentence framed in a way I hadn't heard before, and it would quietly find its way into my own work. I am genuinely grateful for everyone who came to sit down and share.

It has not always been smooth. There were episodes I struggled to finish and days I genuinely did not want to show up. What I learned is that consistency matters more than inspiration, and I trusted that if I just showed up, the next episode would happen. So I kept showing up.

What fuelled me on the hard days were your messages. Someone writing to say that a conversation helped them see something they hadn't been able to see before. Someone sharing that something shifted. Those messages landed in me and reminded me why this exists.

Because I care. I care about the state of humanity and where we are all headed, from unconscious to authentic, from noise to something real. I am not here to be a leader who holds something you don't have and keeps you coming back for more. That has never been my intention. My passion is to ignite something in you, or better, to turn your attention toward the fire that is already burning. The seeking for truth, the wanting to know your own essence, the impulse to live authentically. That space that is always already free and at peace is not somewhere you need to travel to. It is already here. I just want to help you see it.

Today, this channel has reached 5000 subscribers. And I want to sit with that for a moment, because 5000 is not a small number. It tells me that what I am sharing is landing, that people need to hear this, that there is real power in this message. That means everything to me.

What I hope for is simple. That this channel keeps growing, keeps reaching people who are ready, keeps planting seeds and sparking curiosity and making the message of awakening more accessible and easier to follow. There is so much noise everywhere you look. But there is also a clear signal underneath all of it. If something I share helps you tune into your own clarity, even for a moment, that is the job done.

And if you feel moved to share a video with a friend or your community, you are helping this message do its work in the world. That matters more than I can say.

Thank you for watching, for commenting, for writing to me, for being here. This channel exists because you are in it. Deep gratitude.

https://www.youtube.com/@IlonaCiunaite

Where Have You Become Certain?

 

Over the past few weeks, I have had several conversations about awakening, seeking, and the places where people sometimes get stuck. You may have watched a few of these interviews on YouTube.

It is fascinating to me how easily we can take a position and set up camp there, calling it, “I know how it is.”

This can happen in any area of life, but it becomes especially interesting on the spiritual path. The mind wants certainty. It wants to know what is true, where it stands, and whether it has finally arrived.

After years of seeking, this is understandable. Seeking can be exhausting. There may have been years of reading, watching videos, going to retreats, trying different practices, and hoping that the next insight will finally bring the peace that has always felt just out of reach.

Then something shifts. A clear recognition happens. The familiar sense of being a separate self is seen in a new way. There is relief. Something important has been understood, or perhaps directly seen.

It can feel deeply satisfying to land on a conclusion: “I am awake now.” “I understand.” “This is it.”

And yet, sometimes the conclusion quietly becomes a new place to hide.

A new identity forms around the experience. The words change. The story becomes more refined. The mind may start to speak with confidence about awareness, nonduality, liberation, or the absence of a separate self.

The language may be accurate. The recognition may have been real. But the need for certainty can still remain underneath it all.

The mind wants to know where it stands. It wants a map. It wants to say, “I have arrived.” "I am done!" Only there is no done. 

And that can become a trap that is extremely difficult to see, because the position now sounds like truth.

There is a reason certainty feels so attractive. The unknown gives the mind nothing to hold on to. There is no final explanation and no guarantee about what comes next.

When the old identity begins to loosen, the mind may quickly create a new one. The seeker becomes the one who has found the answer. The one who felt lost becomes the one who knows.

But life has its own way of showing us where something is still held tightly.

Fear appears. Old patterns return. A relationship touches a painful place. The body contracts. Something unexpected happens, and suddenly the certainty feels less secure.

This does not mean that something went wrong. It does not take anything away from the recognition that has already happened.

It may simply be an invitation to keep looking. The crystallised positions are the place to look. 

Seeing through the self-illusion is important. But life continues to reveal every place where we are holding on, resisting, or trying to protect an image of ourselves.

Even the image of being awake can become something to protect.

Perhaps the most useful question is not, “Am I awake?”

Perhaps it is: Where have I become certain? Where have I stopped looking because I believe I already know? What am I afraid to question? Is there still space for “I do not know”?

These are not questions that need quick answers. They are invitations to notice.

Real looking stays open. It does not need to defend a position or reach a final conclusion.

Perhaps there is nowhere final to land.

And perhaps that is where the real freedom begins.

I Understand It All… But Nothing Has Shifted

There is a moment many sincere seekers reach that feels quietly unsettling.

You understand the language of awakening. You know the teachings. You may have had glimpses, openings, moments where something felt clear or spacious. And yet, when you are honest, nothing has truly settled. There is still confusion. There is still a sense of “me.” And it can start to feel like you’ve failed.

When I hear this, I don’t hear failure.
I hear honesty.

What often happens here is that the old strategy stops working. The strategy of trying to understand your way into peace. Trying to think your way into clarity and to arrive somewhere “after” this moment.

Seeing through the self illusion is not a feeling. It is not peace, certainty, or emotional relief. It is a simple recognition. And after that recognition, life continues. Old patterns, emotions, sensations, and a familiar sense of “me” still arise. That does not mean you didn’t see. It means something else is asking to be met.

Much of the suffering comes not from what is present, but from resisting what is present. From believing that clarity should feel a certain way. From quietly expecting awakening to erase confusion forever.

If you are tired of trying to figure this out, that exhaustion may not be a problem. It may be the doorway.

I wrote a short piece called “I Understand It Intellectually, But Nothing Has Shifted” as a gentle guide for this exact moment. You can read it slowly, return to it, and let it meet you where you are.

You can receive the PDF here:
👉 https://bit.ly/4qVdXPR

Nothing is wrong with you.
And nothing essential is missing.