From Seeking To Seeing

I was a seeker once. I was looking for something. I did not know what that was, but I had heard stories about enlightenment, awakening, constant bliss—I wanted that. I knew that where I was at the time wasn’t it. I had an urge to find out what the holy grail was that would make my life better in every way.

Somebody once asked me straight, “What are you looking for?” And I replied, “Enlightenment.” Did I find that? No, but I am not looking for it anymore. I stopped chasing ideas and found something else instead: peace. Not in a way that everything is quiet and slow, but in a way that there is much less internal narration about what is “not enough.” Everything is just fine. There is no more judgment of good versus bad, no more fight of good versus evil. There is a silence of mind that is much more delightful than fighting what is.

The seeking pattern has stopped running. The drive that was here before, trying to get/achieve/improve something, is now absent. There is openness instead, a spaciousness that allows all happenings to pass without internal friction. If I get annoyed, which I still do, it lasts only a short time and gets resolved quickly.

Seeking is a form of striving energy that wants to get somewhere. This, here and now, is not what it wants. There is something else to get so that the tension will cease. But it does not cease; it only takes small breaks. The “happy tomorrow” does not arrive; it feels like you are trapped in an unwanted time and place, a prison that has no doors. The seeking continues. New books, videos, talks, gurus—they all seem to have something desirable, yet not achievable. How to get off of the seeking merry-go-round?

There is a flip from seeking to seeing, and it is not what the mind thinks. It is not about making something external change so that I will feel more comfortable; it’s internal. The energy that feels intense wants to be felt—fully, openly, purely felt. When we look at what seeking itself is, rather than toward the direction of where our attention is going, seeking can be seen as a mechanism, a pattern, a strong energy. Observing it with conscious awareness, recognizing it, and then feeling the sensation melts it like a sun melts a cube of ice.

So, if you are looking for something, stop for a minute and feel the sensation that is driving the search. This sensation is here, and it does not matter so much why it is here, or who put ideas of “not enough” in the mind. What matters is that this sensation is recognized and fully felt. Seeking for flips to looking at. Once the energy is allowed to be fully present and embraced, the mind becomes relaxed, spacious, soft; it no longer feels the tension.

Try this exercise. Feel the sensation of “not enough.” Feel the sensation of lack. This sensation has a location in the body. Observe it. Allow it. Let it be as it is for a minute or two. Don’t think about what should be different or how much you dislike it; just feel it as it is. Be honest with your own feeling. Be curious about the sensation. Let it enfold you fully, even if it is intense. What is behind it?

Doing this a few times a day may feel like practice. But it’s worth it to remember and engage with this, because the more you become honest with the feelings that are arising—the more you look at what is—the less there is striving for something else. It’s a focus shift from seeking to seeing; all it takes is a conscious look at what is actually happening here and now. The mind can find peace, and that’s the end of the seeking pattern. Then a whole new world opens up—the one that was always here, always present, but was ignored or unnoticed, because of that constant nagging feeling of it not being enough. Thoughts stop running wild; there is more spaciousness felt. There is ease and lightness.

Seeking ends, but exploration continues. And exploration is a different kind of energy—it has a sense of wonder, curiosity, playfulness, and childish innocence. There is no more striving to get out of an unwanted situation, but rather resting in the situation that is neither wanted or unwanted but simply is.

The Competition For The Best Identity

At the meeting, they all sat in a circle. It was a competition for the best identity and who owns it.

‘Ok, I will start,’ the first man spoke. ‘I am a breather. I breathe. I am born to be a breather and I do that very skilfully. Look!’ He inhales and exhales through the nose.

Everybody applauds as the man demonstrates his skill.

‘And I am a writer. I write a lot and I published 25 books,’ The guy on the right introduces himself. ‘My books are about how to be an excellent writer. I have been a writer for 33 years. Ever since I was a kid I started to write. First, there were short stories, then novels, now it’s technical stuff about how to be the best writer. I write a lot. I live for writing.’

This guy got applause too and then the woman next to him spoke:

‘Hi everybody, I am a dancer. I dance at a cabaret and I love it.’

‘I am an eater. I eat everything my wife cooks. I can eat a lot. It’s really great that she likes cooking. She is a real cooking pro too. I live for eating and if I would not eat I would die. So I keep doing what I do the best- eat to stay alive.’ He looks proud of his big belly and he is definitely alive.

The next guy introduced himself as a listener, he did not say much, the woman next to him was a knitter and her daughter said, she was a dreamer. Apparently, her dreams were so beautiful, she could not wait every day for the night to fall asleep.

And the last man said he was a thinker. He was thinking thoughts non stop all day long. He was so proud to be a thinker, as it’s not so easy, you know, to think. It’s not like breathing, right. Either you are conscious of it or not, the breathing is still going on. It’s not so complicated, just inhale and exhale. Thinking, on the other hand, was an art, just like dancing or painting, not everyone could do it skillfully.

After the introductions, everyone sat quietly for five minutes. The dancer started to speak.

‘Being a dancer is so much fun. I hear the music and let the body move in rhythm. It’s almost like I don’t need to do anything, the body moves, the dance is spontaneous creation which has a form of its own. I am a great dancer!’ She shows some moves and everyone applauds.

‘I know what you mean,’ said the breather. It’s like this breath here is going on whether I am conscious of it or not, but hey, once I’m aware that I am breathing it’s a whole different thing. I am such a good breather. I have never missed my step. Always in and out. In and out. I am a breather all day long and at night it goes on automatic. I’m not sure how that works, but breathing is on automatic while I sleep!’

‘I think,’ said the thinker, ‘I have the most difficult task- thinking thoughts is not a joke. I have to be always aware of what thoughts I am thinking because if I am not aware if I don’t focus all my attention on thinking, thoughts are not going to come. I am a philosopher, you see, it’s hard work to be constantly thinking right thoughts. And I have no time at all to rest. This work takes all my energy and attention. I can’t let thoughts to just come by itself, like this breather dude. My work is mental! I put 99% of attention and effort on making thoughts appear. If I stop thinking just for a second, I don't even know if I exist.

Everybody applauds the thinker and agrees that to be constantly thinking is indeed a very hard work.

The listener was just sitting and listening. He did not say a word, he was so absorbed in his task. He wasn’t even blinking, just looking at people with eyes and ears wide open. It seemed like a very difficult task too but he was handling that very well.

The knitter reached out into her bag and pulled out a half knit sleeve of some blouse. It was pink and fluffy, matching a bow in her hair. She was concentrating on her work and did not see or hear anyone in the room, it seemed that the pattern was very complicated, so the knitter was totally lost in her work, which just demonstrated how true she was to being the knitter.

The eater was irritated, he could not sit still in his chair as he had nothing to eat. He just finished his sandwich that wife packed for him before the meeting started and now was waiting impatiently for the next bite. He was looking at a watch frequently, perhaps lunch time was coming soon.

And the dreamer explained how she does not need to do anything to dream. Dreams just come. No control. Miraculously dreaming is just happening. And it’s very pleasant and easy. It’s just a bit too long from waking up till the time for bed. She could not demonstrate her ability in this circle, but she assured everyone she was a good dreamer.

So who wins the competition for the best identity?

The thinker, of course!

Why? Because even though we breathe, dance, listen, write, and do other stuff, only the thinker says, I think, therefore I exist. We don’t say, I breathe therefore I exist, or I listen, or I eat. We say, I think. It appears that thinking is not going on naturally, like let’s say we hear sounds effortlessly, or see colors that simply are here. The thoughts are something that the thinker has to do, otherwise, they would not come! Or so he thinks.

What’s your identity that you have to own in order to exist? What is that you are underneath all labels?

Do you agree that thinker is The Greatest Identity worthy of winning the best identity competition? Maybe there are better ones, like doer, lover, teacher, seeker?

Write in comments!

Unfolding Contractions

Last Sunday I held a group Deep Looking event in google hangouts. It was a powerful session where we sat with sensations and invited contractions to come up and gently unfold. Here is something I wanted to share with you after the session:

Sometimes we feel stuck in an uncomfortable feeling and nothing seems to work. Or, it works temporarily until the next treatment, the next attempt to resolve something that keeps coming up again and again. What if I told you there is a hack to that, that is very simple and effective. 

Imagine you fold an origami. It was once a flat paper and now it is a 3D form, it has volume, it's like a container, a new form that holds space in. Contraction is like the origami form, it's folded in and it holds something. What we can do is unfold it and by doing that, it returns to its natural form--which is spacious formlessness.

How does this look in practice?

The contraction/ tension that is felt, is a sensation. That sensation feels like it's intense, unpleasant, unwanted and the repulsion to the sensation is called resistance. (It's actually a protection) Let's rename contraction to protection, there's a lighter feeling already and an invitation to welcome it.

Just look from this angle: Some time ago some hurt happened and there was an unconscious decision to guard yourself from something like that in the future. This is normal human behavior (avoiding the unpleasant and seeking the pleasant). It's like the mind's computer wrote a program that if 'this' happens then it must activate protection. So every time 'this' happens, there is a sensation that arises, the protection is activated and it kicks in automatically and we notice a reaction happening. By focusing on the sensations of protection we have no more access to the sensation that the protection is covering up. We also call this mechanism--fear.

The protection is felt, but what is it about?

Try this exercise:

When feeling protection, ask it- who are you? What are you? What are you protecting?
And just wait. The answer may come up or not. Notice what happens. This way you can look into a feeling of tightness and see what is behind it--what is it that needs or wants protection.

Some other questions you can ask are:

What do you want the most?
What wisdom do you have for me?
Are you helping?
Do you want to relax?

Don't try to fight protections, they are here to help. Only not all old programs are still useful, helpful or necessary. Some programs are very old and no longer needed so they can be seen and let go. When protection comes up, welcome it as it comes up to be reviewed and adjusted. Those that are still needed can stay, but those that are only creating unnecessary tension can drop. It is safe. All it takes is seeing them. By that I mean - really feeling into sensations, giving the sensations 100 percent of your attention, simply allowing them to be fully felt.

This is the unfolding. Forms of protection can dissolve and go back to rest.

Once protection is released, there is a sense of openness, spaciousness, boundlessness, no borders.

You can ask for protections to come up and then watch where they show up in the body and talk to them. Sounds unusual? Try it. Asking direct questions in a friendly way will create an allowing space for those protections to be as they are. This is surrender, letting go, the end of resisting. Try this for yourself.

If you would like to join the next online event on the 4th of February, there are still places available. You can register by email here.


Happy Unfolding!
Much love

An Open Letter To The Mind

By itself. 

    Dearest Mind,

    Firstly thank you very much for your presence. You are amazing, intelligent, caring and lovable. Thank you for all your hard work and never ceasing attention to things that matter most. I love you dearly. 

    I appreciate how you make me feel, literally, I can feel feelings that can be quite strong and intense, only by noticing thoughts and images. I can see how you tirelessly go out into the future scenarios making sure that all the problems have ready made solutions. I can see how inventive and creative you are with the images. You can pick any topic and create something out of nothing. I bow in respect to your ability to throw me out of balance and give me sensations that something is wrong, can be wrong, was wrong and will be wrong and so on. I applaud your tireless aiming to control what is about to happen, protecting me from making old mistakes. You are a genius in manipulating how I feel. 

    Thank you for all your work that you have done to protect the heart from being hurt, from being open and vulnerable. Even if the heart was hurt by your limitations, it was still better than feeling those scary feelings, right? Numbing of the heart is a big work and you, dear Mind, have done it so well. You deserve a crown and a throne. Or at least a diamond tiara. 

    Here's the thing. As much as I enjoy your created world and drama, all I really want is peace. I have been watching your mind movies all this time and I see that nothing new is there-- same old patterns, same characters, same problems, same hopelessness. It's no longer needed for me. I am writing to ask you, dearest Mind, to stop creating illusions. 

    Please stop luring me into imaginary conversations with imaginary friends about imaginary scenarios. Please stop giving me solutions to imaginary problems and stories of the past that made me feel hateful, shameful, grieving, small and not enough. Please stop showing me possible futures where I'm stuck in fear. Please just be here and now, and watch, observe, notice, what is actually happening-- right in the moment. You don't even need to comment. You don't need to try to fix anything or protect me from imaginary dangers. 

     I'd like to ask you to drop your unnecessary tasks, impractical patterns, addictions to thinking and image making, daydreaming about a happy tomorrow and the like. And just really relax; be. Be caring, loving, creative, illumined, playful in the now. Be receptive and questioning. Be open to receive wisdom. Stop knowing everything about everything. It's not your job. I'd like to invite you to be silent and aware. This is your job. 

     All I want is peace.

     So, enough of building your sand castles of illusions. Rest deeply. Be at peace. 

     All I want is peace-- so the heart can come alive again and open up without being restricted by what you think.

     It's okay to feel. 

     All I want is peace.

     You can be still and quiet and still hear, see, smell, taste, sense and feel. 

     All I want is peace. 

     Do you hear me, dearest Mind? Can we let the monkey mind go back to the natural habitat with all the drums and whistles? It was fun to have a mind-monkey active, but it's no longer wanted. It can go. I'm sure it won't be missed. 

     All I want is peace. 

     And as you see, peace is here, now, underneath all the noise of words and images. 

     Be still.

     Be quiet. 

     There is nothing in the way of peace once you, beloved Mind, stop producing illusions. It's okay to rest, it is safe. Nothing is going to happen if you stop imagining yourself in charge of the universe. Can you see this, dear Mind, that you can be empty and relaxed, yet everything is still happening? 

     All I want is peace. 

     Can we end the internal war with what is? Can we refocus on what really matters?

     I bow to you and I love you. Let us celebrate life.

     Let's try this, okay? 

With love. 

I now retire.

Meeting Divine Eye to Eye

Warning! this article is controversial. Some ideas may trigger resistance, frustration, resentment and other intense emotions. In such a case, you get something to work with within. You do not have to agree with my views or choices, and I'm free to live life as it comes.

There is a kind of taboo in the awakening marketplace about using psychedelic substances. If this is something that you are attracted to, by all means, find some and explore. Of course, Shamanic medicines are not for everyone and I'm not here to say what is right for you. It is right for me, as I am a fearless space captain and I am curious about consciousness itself. I don't stick to any traditions but rather test and ride various ways.

I wrote back in September last year, about my journey to Mexico to find magic. I found magic then and received a message that this was only a beginning. The message was strong and I got back to Mexico as soon as my husband and I could do that to see what happens next.

Here we are in a beautiful Caribbean beach village, enjoying life, meeting people, sharing Ajna Light and having lots of treatments. My favorite is Sand-Sea-Sun treatment that discharges, recharges and washes away all tension. The natural technology of release.

Ever since I came to this place, it feels that I have entered some trip. By trip, I mean that there is a sense of surrender and something taking over. If you've never had a psychedelic experience, the word trip means nothing to you. Days change, but the sense of being taken by life and magic remains. The energy is very strong here. I love how the body feels, the heat and how gently the sun is received. It feels that this place is breathing and waving. If I sit on a sofa and body relaxes I can feel the waves of the ocean passing through. There is music in the ears, playing all the time, one wavy melody. It's so audible that sometimes I have to check that the player is off. The player is off, but the music still remains.

There is a sense of grace and wonder, of being led to people and events. We made friends with a couple of healers here and some magic mushrooms arrived; the trip got even trippier. These ones, called San Juan are the most amazing mushrooms I've ever had. I tasted different kinds back in the UK at the time when I could buy them in funky shops. These mushrooms are called Golden Healers and they were named correctly. The trip was very light, fun, and with eyes closed, I could see golden light, patterns and visions. That was the most beautiful, lighthearted healing experience. It felt that golden light was filling the space within. There was an expanded awareness of spaciousness, a beautiful impermanent state, a moment of melting into light. Then back to normal but somehow different, refreshed.

Our friends introduced us to someone that was organizing a Shamanic healing event and we signed up for it. This was another chance for me to taste Bufo medicine, or as locals call it Sapito.
Basically, the smoking secretion of the Bufo Alvarius toad gives a hit of pure 5-meo-dmt which creates an explosion in the system, which only happens twice in life naturally, when you are born and when you die. This natural substance is in all of us, in plants and animals, it even has a name of the God molecule. If you would like to read more about it, please do your own research, there is plenty of material now on the internet.

So here we are, going into the jungle, meeting with Shamans and going for it. We met a nice group of people, some came from far, some tried before, and a few that this was the first time. The group was multi-national, the ones that spoke English turned out to be various artists. Locals were setting up sweat lodges while we were chatting with people. A woman started singing, I noticed the Shaman coming in with his bag of tools. The energy of the place changed. I could notice little nibble of fear showing up, like- -are you sure? This is it.. am I ready?..

The shamans came from a different part of Mexico, they get the medicine from the Sonora desert toads. They did not speak English. The first part was a treatment with tobacco ash that is blown into the nose and clears whatever is stuck there. I watched a friend receive it, it did not look bad so I went for it too. It's called Rapè. (not rape) it feels like a shot of intense sensation, then I felt that the whole body became more alive and vibrating with energy, like something was opened up. A nice sensation after. Colors got brighter and it was easy to breathe. They said it cleans the pineal gland.

The sweat lodge followed next. That was an interesting experience. We sat in a very hot tent in the middle of the hot jungle! There were hot stones in the middle of a circle taken from the fire and the Shaman was pouring water over them, creating steam and more heat. He was putting something on the stones that filled the tent with a delightful smell. His woman was leading songs. The whole tent, 15 people, were sweating out toxins and singing along. It was so much sweating that I could not open my eyes, the salt was making them hurt. It was really hot! But it was part of the preparation for the journey ahead.

After the sweat lodge, the jungle heat was just lovely. Next, we all went to the lake to clean ourselves. The beautiful water felt so refreshing and soft. I could stay there for hours, but we all were called to start the ceremony.

Before I get into describing what it was like for me, I just want to say this: If you are called to do this, take it extremely seriously. This is not a joke. This is not a drug to get high. This is the most powerful medicine, it is very strong and integration after receiving it can take some time and be intense. There are a few testimonials that something went wrong. So the most important is to know what you are up for, research your Shamans and have time and environment to integrate. Best is done in a safe environment with someone that has been working with this medicine for years.

So here it was, a pipe in front of me. There was no thought, no fear, just flowing with the moment. I inhaled slowly, a thick brown smoke. At some point, I got that the pipe looks different as if pixels on a screen have mutated. I remember nodding slightly and falling backwards on the ground.

Whoa, there was a sense of direction, with little disturbances, as if I was going through waves of frequency closer and closer to .... God..... there was melting in, ceasing of turbulence... release so gentle that it felt like last hair that was held on to ripped. Then OMG WOoooooooo incredible sense of gold space of love, peace, divinity, oneness. This was IT, so-called Death, so beautiful and spacious. There was only this. There was totality, absolute, consciousness in fully opened glory. The feeling of golden love, love of God, is indescribable.. mmmmmm wooooooo!

Slowly I was coming back into awareness of the body and surroundings. The body felt like every tension had left, mind came back stunned and silent, taken away by what became known. It took a while to come out and be able to stand up.

Interestingly, I had no sense and no memory of the body or mind at all, but while consciousness was 'traveling', the body was making some movements, kriyas and making sound aaaaaaa..

I came back, looked Shamans in the eye and thanked them both. Now, I KNOW. Now, I KNOW.

The spaciousness came back with me into this realm. I can still feel it days after.

Other people had their unique journeys. One girl was crying so much after seeing the vastness of love and beauty she could never imagine. This was deeply touching. One guy was shouting that we humans can do it! And we have to do it! The change is already happening! (he does not remember that) someone else was throwing up and clearing what seemed black stuff to him, out of the system. Others laughed. Everyone that went for that experience came back changed. So did I. I had only one intention and that was to meet the creation. I got what I came for. I saw what I could never imagine.

I remember thinking why something as beautiful as this is feared, why death is perceived with grief? It's strange, at least.

One way I can describe it is that if you are living in a deep ocean, and time to time get to experience the sun in the water and you don't have a clue about the sun above the ocean. Then one day you go up and take a look... then when you get back you perceive the sun in the water differently. The sun in the water would be love that we are able to feel.

It took a few days to get back to normal. Three days rolled into one. We took more magic mushrooms to assist the energies and to finish healing. The expansion ripped through all the cells of being, the spacious feeling was still here. Even in sleep, it no longer feels dark, deep sleep feels like golden light. Mmmm

God is.

Total Peace, Love is.

Knowing this experientially is IT.

I would not call this enlightenment. It's more an experience of illumination. It came as it was called for. It can come in any package. All one needs is a pure intention to meet God. Toad medicine was a one-way ticket for me to meet the divine, eye to eye. It does not mean you need it. It only means this was the way that the experience showed up for me. If there is judgement about this, then you are missing the point, that a wrapper is more more important that the candy.


We meet divine in every moment, no need for toads or mushrooms to participate. The depth of conscious recognition is what determines our sense of connectedness with the whole and perception of reality. We have a personal, intimate relationship with what is, we are what is expressing as us, as all life. I am that which is expressing as me.

The mind can not get it because mind too is a form, an expression of existence as the mind.

When everything calms down to stillness there is an opening to being. When all vibrations and turbulence cease there is pure light and lightness. Delightful.

Love divine is nothing to do with a person, it's what is left where there is no more I, me, no other. Just a field of infinite peace.

A few days after, I still feel the spaciousness that was not here before, it feels like old patterns collapsed, like a huge clearing happened, that affected all areas of my life as an individual. There is wonder and curiosity of what happens next and an openness to whatever comes. 

Peace.