My YouTube Journey to 5000 Subscribers

I started posting on my YouTube channel in 2018 while living in Mexico. I had a message that was pressing to come through, something that felt like a voice looking for words, and I wanted to find a way to let it out. I had been working with people for years already, sharing the same exercises, the same metaphors, and I thought, if I could record this, I could just send people to watch a video. I could reach more people that way. That idea excited me and I was determined to make it work.

Living at the end of a road in a jungle, the internet ran on 5 megabits. My phone had barely any storage, so I would record a little, delete something to make space, then record again. It took a day and a half sometimes just to upload seven minutes of video. I had no idea how to edit, so I did take after take. It was a struggle by any measure. But something inside kept saying, keep going, this is right. And so I did. The first subscribers came, and that meant something.

In 2020, I decided to take it seriously. I spent two months just watching other creators, learning how things worked. I felt like a first grader walking into school for the first time. The equipment, the lighting, the delivery, the thumbnails, the intros. It was overwhelming and exciting at the same time, and there was a moment where I could have just stopped there, convinced it was too much to learn. Instead, I decided to focus on one video at a time and trust that experience would teach me what no amount of watching could. Every failure felt like a step up.

Some of those early videos are still up. I'll be honest, when I watch them now, I feel a little embarrassed. But I also know they still work as a pointer for someone who needs them. I took some down at one point and got an email from someone looking for them, which said everything. They stay now, and when I watch them, I can see exactly how far this has come.

In 2023, someone asked me why I wasn't putting the recordings out as audio so people could listen on the go. That one question became the Awakening Now podcast. And with that came a whole new layer of learning. It also pushed me to show up more consistently, which led me somewhere I never expected to go, interviewing teachers and people on the path.

I started with people I already knew. Then I began reaching out to people I didn't know, and that didn't always work. Some conversations never happened, some felt like a miss, and that was frustrating because I wanted to bring something genuinely valuable rather than just fill the space with noise. But sitting down with someone for a conversation turned out to be something quite different from sitting with someone in a session. Here I was the listener. I was learning about someone else's work, someone else's way of seeing. And something unexpected happened. Sometimes a single word from a guest would land in me. Sometimes a metaphor, or a sentence framed in a way I hadn't heard before, and it would quietly find its way into my own work. I am genuinely grateful for everyone who came to sit down and share.

It has not always been smooth. There were episodes I struggled to finish and days I genuinely did not want to show up. What I learned is that consistency matters more than inspiration, and I trusted that if I just showed up, the next episode would happen. So I kept showing up.

What fuelled me on the hard days were your messages. Someone writing to say that a conversation helped them see something they hadn't been able to see before. Someone sharing that something shifted. Those messages landed in me and reminded me why this exists.

Because I care. I care about the state of humanity and where we are all headed, from unconscious to authentic, from noise to something real. I am not here to be a leader who holds something you don't have and keeps you coming back for more. That has never been my intention. My passion is to ignite something in you, or better, to turn your attention toward the fire that is already burning. The seeking for truth, the wanting to know your own essence, the impulse to live authentically. That space that is always already free and at peace is not somewhere you need to travel to. It is already here. I just want to help you see it.

Today, this channel has reached 5000 subscribers. And I want to sit with that for a moment, because 5000 is not a small number. It tells me that what I am sharing is landing, that people need to hear this, that there is real power in this message. That means everything to me.

What I hope for is simple. That this channel keeps growing, keeps reaching people who are ready, keeps planting seeds and sparking curiosity and making the message of awakening more accessible and easier to follow. There is so much noise everywhere you look. But there is also a clear signal underneath all of it. If something I share helps you tune into your own clarity, even for a moment, that is the job done.

And if you feel moved to share a video with a friend or your community, you are helping this message do its work in the world. That matters more than I can say.

Thank you for watching, for commenting, for writing to me, for being here. This channel exists because you are in it. Deep gratitude.

https://www.youtube.com/@IlonaCiunaite

The Fear of Relaxing and the Freedom Beneath It

There are moments on this path when everything seems to converge at once. The body tightens, the breath becomes shallow, the emotions rise in waves, and the mind tries desperately to make sense of it all. For many seekers this becomes the breaking point - something is finally ready to be felt.

When Tammy joined me, she was living right inside that intensity. She said, “Some physical stuff has come up really strongly and it’s brought up a lot of emotional stuff… just so much confusion.”
She had been trying to understand every instruction she heard on the spiritual path. “People say ‘allow it’ — but what does that mean? Sit on the couch? I don’t get it.”
Her honesty was the doorway.

As she began to speak more openly, a deeper layer appeared.
“I just want to cry and cry and cry. My heart is breaking open for the whole world.”
The rawness of that moment was the intelligence of life expressing itself.

I invited her to stop running, just for a breath. To feel what was here rather than trying to fix it. She said, “It feels like a huge mess of everything — despair, hopelessness, fear, love, tiredness.”
And yet, when she allowed herself to feel even a fraction of it, something shifted.

The mind panicked: “If I relax, everything will collapse. I won’t take care of my life.”
This is a common fear. But when she actually softened into one breath, nothing collapsed. Life remained exactly where it was. Sounds, colours, sensations - all present, untouched.

What hurts is not the energy itself. What hurts is the resistance to the energy. That's suffering.

When Tammy agreed to feel the resistance — the “I don’t like this, I don’t want this, it’s too much” — the tightness eased. Not because she controlled it, but because she listened. This is what most people miss. Resistance is not the enemy. It is a voice asking to be acknowledged. Something inside is expressing the truth.

She realised something essential:
“The thoughts keep coming up about how it’s not okay… but the energy just feeling itself — that’s painful and unpleasant.”

And look at this: pain is not the problem, unpleasantness is not the problem. The problem is believing that it shouldn’t be here.

When she finally let the energy be as it is, without fixing, without solving, without labelling it as failure, the storm softened. The energy was finaly met.

This is the heart of Deep Looking - recognising that you are the space in which it moves and sitting beside it as it begins to unfold.

Everything in you is already allowed. Everything is already included. That is why it can finally transform.

If you want to explore this more deeply, I created a short guide called Introduction to Deep Looking. It’s a gentle way to meet what’s here and begin unwinding the tension underneath seeking. You can receive it by signing up on my website.

Here is the link:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Ho1OtCFkhGq8Uibj_QVvg6fXIWiaDNt6/view?usp=drive_link

If you read it and something moves in you, you are always welcome to write to me and share what opened.

Meeting the Part Inside You That Has Been Waiting

There may be a place inside you that has been calling for a long time. Maybe you feel it as a tightness, a pressure, a pull. Maybe it shows up as restlessness, heaviness, or a quiet ache with no name. This isn’t a story to analyse or a memory to fix. It’s a living energy, here now, wanting your presence in the most innocent way.

Many seekers know this place well. Years of practice, healing, and inquiry may bring clarity, yet this one feeling keeps returning. The mind often interprets that as failure —
Why is this still here?
Why can’t I rest?
What am I missing?
I have done so much inner work and this scream is still not letting me sleep at night.

My friend, nothing is wrong. You’re not behind. You’re not missing anything. This part of you has simply been waiting to be truly met. 

In a recent session, Bo described this inner pull in a way that many can recognise. He said, “I’ve discovered there’s such a… I would call it a scream inside of me. You know, an inner part that is screaming for attention from other people.” That is how it often feels — not like a thought, but like a cry inside the body that has nowhere to go.

For him, resting had become almost impossible. “Either I try to be present with that part that is so screaming for attention from the outside, or do I get taken away in bringing in attention to that part.” That tug-of-war — staying with the feeling or getting pulled into it — is deeply familiar to many seekers. Neither side feels peaceful.

And yet, the moment we turned toward that energy together, everything began to soften. A gentle attention. A willingness to feel without running away. A surrender to the present moment as it is.

At one point, I asked him to invite the feeling closer, to see what it might want. As he looked, something subtle shifted. “There’s some response… the spaciousness is more or something.” This is how the inner world speaks — not in concepts or explanations, but in movement, warmth, expansion.

Later, he said softly, “I could see what the issue was, but I didn’t know what to do.” This is the moment many seekers reach: they understand the pattern, they see the behaviour, but they have no access to the place where healing actually happens. That access opens only when we stop trying to solve and begin to meet what is here.

As the session unfolded, sincerity deepened, and something inside him opened. Toward the end, he whispered, “Oh, I want to cry… said in my heart… really grateful.” This is what happens when a long-ignored part finally receives the attention it needed — not analysis, not fixing, but simple presence. The whole system exhales.

This is the heart of Deep Looking. Just meeting what appears with the same care you would offer a child who has been waiting for someone to notice their tears.

When the energy feels seen, it relaxes.
When it feels welcomed, it softens.
When it feels safe, it stops fighting.

If you feel a part inside you that doesn’t settle — a pressure, a longing, a quiet cry for attention — please know you are safe. You don’t need to fix anything. You don’t need to figure it out. You can meet this with gentleness. The peace you seek isn’t elsewhere. It lives exactly where the discomfort is.

If this touches something in you, I invite you to watch the conversation. Maybe it will help you meet your own inner world with a little more softness today. 

If you want to explore this more deeply, I created a short guide called Introduction to Deep Looking. It’s a gentle way to meet what’s here and begin unwinding the tension that sits underneath seeking. You can receive it by signing up on my website. Here is the link:

https://ilonaciunaite.com/deep-looking-ebook/

If you read it and something moves in you, you are welcome to write to me and share what opened.

The Metaphor of Water

A Gift of Presence

Mind Movies

A closer look at the imagination and how we are constantly watching movies in the Mind Movie Theater, believing that the character on the screen is ME.

Deep Looking Testimonial

Here is a beautiful email I received after just one session of Deep Looking. Receiving such messages makes me even more inspired to do my work. I love seeing the transformation and witnessing your process of awakening to reality. Each session we go deeper and open up more. Whatever comes to be seen is welcomed and honored. I love to sit with you and share this Deep Looking tool. 

“Hi Ilona,

Thank you for the meeting yesterday, it was a very special experience, and so far the change in perception of reality is sticking and is similar to coming out of long Vipassana retreats.

Truly amazing how simply and beautifully this works, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I will try to keep this brief but from the heart of the exact experience as good as I can.

Yesterday evening after our meeting I felt very present in the body, and movements of hands and body were more coordinated than usual, and there was no feeling of having to rush anything, I moved slowly and elegantly with easy in mind and body. It seems like the before omnipresent stress sensation of always having to be somewhere else than here and now is somewhat diminished. I laid in bed before sleeping and felt the bedding and cushions wrap around me like never before, really noticing the sensations, the thoughts had less of a grip on "me" and I slept very well.

I woke up with a tiny smile this morning for the first time in a long time, and instead of my meditation routine, I decided to just be aware of sensations and try to communicate internally with anything that needed to be seen and noticed, loved and accepted.

I have been able to keep that awareness very much all day, and have had moments of butterfly feelings by just watching my daughter, and even just sitting quietly and looking at objects has at times today brought some interesting sensations that I have never noticed before.

Anger, irritability, and confusion has arisen in the belly today, has been acknowledged and loved and have disappeared again before sticking around as usual for long periods.

Everything in life seems now less urgent and has less meaning and tension around it, like the attachment to outcome is less. I went through my facebook feed and unfollowed a bunch of pages with "answers" to some of all my searching and had a feeling I really don't need that clutter anymore.

I also had feelings of more energy, and some restlessness came along with that, I sat with it and accepted that as well.

It feels like everything is the same everywhere around me, but the awareness has grown, and tension in the mind-body connections is less.. There is a growing joy in my being of feeling things and emotions more strongly, and feeling like being a part of life once again.

Tonight I will try some more Deep Looking and ask mind and heart of they are at peace, and see what answers come up - during my day today there has been more focus on raw sensations most of the day, not much inquiry about the messages the sensations bring with them.

I am trained in many modalities, healing, coaching, Chi-Kung etc etc (like most seekers probably) but I never felt the urge or interest in helping people with any of the techniques I have learned, it just seemed a little useless, like a band-aid on a big wound. I feel what I got from Deep Looking is completely different, and the only thing I would offer to anyone in the search for freedom.

I will be all ears and mentally noting how we go about with the process, and would love to learn more, and be able to guide people the way you have done with me, if that is okay with you of course?

Have a beautiful day

With heartfelt thanks and love”

Liberation Unleashed Intensive Retreat

Here is an invitation to step into the fire of Truth. This fire will burn all that is untrue, leaving you with a pure sense of being, aliveness, raw openness to what is. 

I have held many meetings since 2012 and I really enjoyed them. Every meeting was unique, with different questions asked, with different people coming. This time I feel to do an intensive three-day retreat. It will take place at the same Friends Meeting House in Worthing. This will be my last offering in the UK. The retreat will start on Friday evening and continue till Sunday night. This retreat is going to be focused on self-realization and clearing all the blockages that may stand in the way of recognition.

Awakening is a two-fold process of recognizing that you are not a what you think you are and realizing that life process does not stop, that there is aliveness, being, an openness that is always here, now, no matter how it seems. This process does not take you away from humanness, but rather brings awakening into everyday ordinary life. Integration of awakening is an ongoing process.

This meeting will be a lot of work and it will require your readiness and willingness to be fearless and open up, to be vulnerable, to be seen, to explore what hasn’t been explored yet. You can expect to release and let go of old patterns that no longer serve. You can expect to learn how to integrate experiences of retreat into your daily life. You will learn how to deal with emotions that are hard to deal with not by reading about it but from your own experience.

I will be guiding those that come to realize the non-separateness, the absence of I that apparently runs the show called “Individual”. I will be using Deep Looking method to undo the knots and release trapped energies, that seem persistent and in a way of peace. The group work is very powerful as we all hold safe and loving space for each other as we dive deeper into unknown. You may expect tears and laughter, release and relief that come with seeing through mind created illusions.

There will be enough time for everyone to ‘sit in a chair’ and meet your deepest issues. We will work together and face all that comes up with loving kindness. Coming together in retreat creates a powerful collective field of presence which ignites and supports each participant's awakening process. Deep surrender becomes possible in an environment of trust and honest desire for that which is true.

I will also bring my Ajna Light machine to the retreat. We will have two group sessions and you will have a chance to have individual sessions with no one disturbing you in a separate room. Ajna Light is very powerful tool for personal exploration of consciousness. It is a remarkable invention by Guy Harriman. You can read more about it here. There is a lovely interview with Guy here where he talks about how the machine was created and what it is for. Please watch the video to get to know a little about it. The Ajna Light experience will give you instant relaxation; it will detox and rejuvenate the mind, as it works directly on the pineal gland. The most common description of the experience is “WOW, I did not expect that!” This Light will heal what is ready to be healed and will boost positivity, joy of life; it will calm the mind of excessive thinking and will give you a sense of harmony and balance.


If you feel the call to come to the retreat, please register by sending me an email (markedeternal@gmail.com) to secure your place. You can pay by PayPal or by cash on the door. You may attend any or all of the day sessions. (Although you are highly encouraged to attend as many sessions as you can; there is something beautiful that happens when we give ourselves the time and space to deeply relax into the intimacy of a gathering.)

Program

Friday 20th of January 6pm to 8:30pm Introductory session.

Here we will meet as a group, everyone will be invited to share a little about their journey. We will gently easing into the work.

£15 on the door.

Saturday 21st January 10:30 to 8:30 whole day event.

10:30am Morning session with Ilona
1:00pm Lunch break. Individual Ajna Light sessions

3:00pm Afternoon session

5:00pm Break for snacks and refreshments, light sessions
6:00pm Evening session
8:00 Ajna Light group session

Saturday day alone £50 on the door

Sunday 22nd of January 1:00- 8:00 Whole day event

1:00pm Afternoon session 

3:30pm Break, free time. Individual Ajna Light sessions
5:00pm Evening Session
7:00pm Ajna Light Groups session

Sunday day alone £45 on the door
All three days £100

Every participant can have one individual Light session of 20 min on Saturday-Sunday.

There is a kitchen in the building where we can make tea, use a microwave, fridge, have snacks. You can bring your own lunch if you like. There will be tea provided. There is Tesco, Costa coffee, The Lazy Brunch Kitchen cafe and a really nice Thai restaurant only five minutes away from the venue. There is a quiet beach around 20 min walk. 

If you are coming from far away and need room to stay Airbnb is a perfect option, with the rooms starting from £25 a night. Please be aware that Worthing is deceivably large, so book your place closer to the venue. Friends Meeting House is located at 

34 Mill Road, Worthing, BN11 5DR

The nearest train station is West Worthing.

The room is warm, with comfortable chairs and cushions.

hope to see YOU there!
There are a few more places left, but the retreat is getting booked up pretty fast.

Integration: Saying YES to All

When I started pointing to no self, I knew one thing: the belief in being a separate entity that is driving the body through life- is the core of human suffering. I called that mechanism I Virus, it was so clear to me that delusion can end and that it's my mission to make this message widely heard. The I Virus is the default program, everyone believes their I is separate from everyone else's.

Seeing through the fallacy of the idea of separateness and all ideas that attempt to describe 'what is' we call crashing the gateless gate. At the very beginning I knew I had to stand my ground and keep focus purely on the gate, I knew that there will be other realisations and integration, that seeing will deepen. I knew that at some point I won't be able to point to the gate as effectively. I mean, I was focused on pointing only to this- look, there is no 'you'.
I stood my ground, I even wrote a book and put all I had, that worked for people. There is nothing more or different I can say today. It feels that this mission is complete.

On this blog I have never shared about integration, about what tools I use, what practices I have, what works for me. We all have our own way to deepen the inner journey. I feel I would like to start sharing that just in case someone finds it inspiring and useful.

LU is running, meaning everyone is doing their part. LU is focused on guiding to see no self and that shall remain, I can step to a side and do my own thing now. I have given all I have to point to no self.

There are many many people now that realised the absence of I entity as it was thought to be. What's next? - is a common question that everyone asks.

Next is integration. Right after initial seeing I called the next phase Falling- meaning, all that does not serve falls away while all that is new and fresh falls into place. There is nowhere to land, falling is happening, destroying all certainty about how things are. Some deeply rooted beliefs and emotional traumas don't fall away so easily. Some things remain unconscious until they are examined closely again and again. I use Deep Looking process to access those areas and it proves to be very effective in releasing structures that hold an apparent person in contracted state.

All we want is freedom, expansion, love, acceptance, peace. All that does not simply come with crossing the line of the gateless gate. The gate is only an opening. The exploration continues. The falling stage can be very intense and confusing. It's not a ticket to happy ever after as many may have expected. So life brings us to looking again and again till it's absolutely clear that imagined controller is imagined.

I have gone through deconstruction process before I faced the question of no self directly. It was a painful time and there was a lot to question, including most precious beliefs that did not want to go away easily. At times it felt like killing ego, like cutting pieces away brutally and all that was necessary.

There was a lot left to clear after the opening. Some things fell off and were only noticed missing when looked back. Some things felt like I have to train the mind, to tame it, to find a new way to relate to the mind itself. It was very helpful for me to learn to say YES to everything that was showing up.

My friend Elena inspired me to try what she have learned from Pamela Wilson. Simply by saying Yes to all got me to allow whatever intense emotions were happening to just be ok. At the beginning, it felt like a practice. I kept remembering to just say yes in situations where mind would usually scream- "no, not again, I don't want this!"  After a while it kind of became natural and I could be OK within previously unwanted situations. It felt like overriding the default program manually and it worked.

There are a lot of great tools and modalities that help us deal with the baggage that still remains after crashing the gate. Being mindful, remembering to notice, to look at what is true at any given moment allows us to observe the tendencies and drop habitual patterns.

There are lots of great teachers that are helpful on after the gate journey, like Adyashanti, Byron Katie, Rupert Spira, Greg Goode, Scott Kiloby, to name a few. And of course, life brings the right teacher at the right moment in the form that is most acceptable for us. Whatever life presents, whatever presents life gives are the right ones that we need at that moment. There are no mistakes.

People are talking about stuckness, falling into traps and being unable to move forward. I know how that feels very well and I'm not immune to that either, but there is also knowing that stuckness is impossible, life is a flow; flow does not stick to anything, and whatever shows up as the next lesson, has to be learned in order to move into more expanded state. Suffering that shows up lights the path pointing directly to what is still unresolved. The unwanted emotional states are pressing to look deeper to find the root, to deal with the issue directly, without further avoiding and putting it on hold.

My life has changed dramatically just after initial crossing the line. I was working for somebody for many years and felt unhappy about the situation, so life presented an opportunity to start our own tattoo business. We have moved to another town, to a new spacious house, with a garden. It felt like a big shift and it served me well. There was a lot of residue around relationships that did not simply resolve, I had addictions and unhealthy patterns. This was a biggie for me. I had periods of highest high and lowest low, struggle to release and longing for love. All that is part of being human. All that was welcome as I was saying Yes to all. I did not expect a happy ever after and I cried a bucket of tears (or two), I got into depressive states and I was looking for the next tool to ease suffering, but in the background of all this dance there was peace and trust, that all is unfolding as it should and there are no skipping parts. There was trust that life knows what it's doing even in the darkest hours.

It is not uncommon to get into the dark night of the soul period. Once beliefs start falling off there

may be emptiness, passivity, desperation, nihilism and giving up on life. This is too part of the process. This shall pass regardless of what stories about permanence mind creates and believes. This state is necessary on the path of clearing. It's purging all that is no longer needed and is not helpful. If you find yourself in this state, please seek out support, just talking about with people that went through it will give reassurance that even this is ok and it will pass.

Awakening from the dream of separation is not meant to be pleasant as we get to face our bullshit that we treasured for years. This can be so intense, but even intensity is ok.

Okayness does not mean passivity or giving up on what is important. It's a state of trusting life, trusting that the next necessary step is exactly the step that needs to be taken. It is surrendering to life as we no longer imagine that we are the drivers. We know what step is ahead of us, what we need to do now, what issues are here to be resolved. Once the step is complete, a new step presents itself and we know what to do- we do what is happening.

This process is about unlearning all that we knew was true and settling into not knowing. This gives a sense of freshness, of mystery, of something higher at work, magic if you like. When we become less and less structured by mind created shoulds and shouldn'ts there is freedom to experience all without judgement of right and wrong. That is a blessing and there is noticeable peace underneath all mind chatter. It's always here, always available in the moment. Being able to notice that allows us to rest in the middle of a storm.There is work to be done even while knowing that there is no doer. There are tools that work better than others. It's all part of humaning. We are designed to seek pleasure and move away from pain- it's natural to want to be happy and want dear people around us to be happy too. So I say Yes to clearing all that needs to be cleared and healing all that still needs to be healed.

May we all stop running away from pressing issues and face them head on fearlessly and gracefully.

Peace to all.
May all beings be in joy.

Going Home

I had another wonderful Deep Looking session with Susanne. The conversation took an hour and a half, it only seems quick if you read it fast. Sometimes it takes a while for the answer to show up. If you like to get the most of this post, you can read it slowly and watch what answers come for you...



I: Hi Susanne, I'll be here in one hour.
.........
S: Ok, Ilona, I am here now.

I: Great, me too.
When ready, take 3 deep breaths and relax into chair.
Then ask your mind, if it's at peace.

S: No, mind is very nervous because it wants to do everything perfect.

I: Thank the mind and ask it if it wants to relax

S: Crying already.....

And yes, mind wants very much to relax.

I: Lovely. Tell the mind you love it SO MUCH.
Ask it if it is ready to relax.

S: Yes it is ready but doesn't know, how?

I: That's ok,
Ask it if it's ready to relax now.

S: Yes but a lot of pressure is already falling apart and it is confused.

I: Of course... Let that be ok for a minute.
Close eyes and simply feel all that arises, fully, openly, allowing the sensations to be as they are.

..........
S: Puhhhh.....now it's getting better, calmer.

I: That's nice. Ask the mind, what it wants the most.

S: It wants to be free of fear, fear of life, it says now!!!????

I: Lovely, thank the mind.
Ask it what this fear is protecting.

S: It's still protecting the little, very shy girl.....

I: Right, can we talk to the little girl? Can you ask her to come closer?
Is she here?

S: No, she is sitting in the darkness I can only see her foot.

I: Say hi to the little one.

S: No she doesn't. She is sitting on a chair and is looking into the darkness. Her whole body is soo tense and she doesn't let go of the chair!?!

I: Mmm, tell the girl, that you are here for her and that you love her very much and want the best for her. How does she respond?

S: She looks into our direction but looks on the floor. The body became kind of into sunlight but she is not able to look to us because it is too bright.

I: Ask the little one, what is she afraid of.

S: To get hurt by other people's behaviour. She doesn't trust anybody and doesn't know what to do. Mind was her single friend.

I: Give that girl a hug and tell her how precious and beautiful she is.
Ask her if she trusts you.

S: Not really, half half.

I: Tell her that you are sorry, that you hurt her and made her not trust you.
Ask her what you need to do for her to gain her trust.

S: She says that I should be here, now. Not ever rushing to the next moment, taking stuff more serious than love. I shall listen to my heart and following, coming home.

I: Beautiful. Can you do that for her?

S: Yes.

I: Give the girl a hug and ask her if she wants to come out to the light.

S: She seems to get blurred again and wants to disappear. She gets scared leaving her habitual position.

I: Tell her that it's safe.
Ask if she wants to be friends with you and explore with you.

S: She doesn't believe me and is even more scared.

I: Ask her what is she scared of.

S: Scared to live, she wants to disappear.

I: Ask her what is scary about living.

S: She seems to be fully identified with fear, she looks fully dark and almost dissolved!?!

I: Ask the girl if she still needs to be here or her job is done.

S: She seems to be relaxed and at peace in the moment even she doesn't want to talk to me. Just before she said that she only would talk to the mind, her single friend.

I: Nice. Let's talk to the mind now. Ask it if it still feels pressure.

S: Mind is pretty well in the moment. Kind of speechless in a positive way.

I: Good stuff. Let's talk to the heart. Ask the heart if it's at peace.

S: No, it isn't, feels a little sad.

I: Ask the heart what it wants the most.

S: Heart wants to see the world.

I: Thank the heart and ask it what is in the way of seeing the world.

S: The delusion of the mind because it thinks to know better. It's quite scary what the mind does sometimes.....

I: Interesting. Ask the heart, does mind know better than the heart.

S: No, it doesn't but heart is wiser and let’s do it. Heart feels actually very strong but is pretty patient with mind. There is a knowing that mind will stop once.

I: Nice. Thank the heart.
Ask the mind, if it knows that heart is its home.

S: Mmmh, it knows but kind of ignored out of arrogance.

I: I see. Ask the mind if it's at home.

S: No, mind isn't at home and believes it will have to loose something if coming home. Wants to distract by rushing around, pretending to be busy with more important things like reading ABOUT something than coming home. It says that's early enough to come home at the end of life.

I: Ask the mind, what can be lost if it goes home.

S: It's importance. Mind is scared not to be needed anymore.

I: I see. Tell the mind, that it will always be needed and useful.
Being at home only means being relaxed and at ease.
Ask it if it prefers being important to being at ease.

S: Mind likes to be at ease but wants to keep control as well.

I: Ask it what it is in control of?

S: It is still convinced to be in control of the unfolding of daily life adventures even if experienced every day differently. It doesn't want to give up planning life. Can't be relaxed about the process.

I: Ask it to look, what it is in control of exactly.

S: In truth it wants to protect it's own weakness and plays out as important and strong.

I: Mmmmm... Ask it if it still wants to do that.

S: It says that it is fighting against life and made the experience very often to loose. Mind feels disconnected, lost and alone. Suddenly wants to come home because it is so terrible tired.

I: Wow, good! Asking if it's ready to go home.

S: Yes, because heart is so incredible strong and wise. Mind is happy to give up. Who would have expected that???

I: Ha!
Ok thank the mind for doing so much work and give it a kiss.
Ask it if it's ready to go home now.

S: Yes it is very happy to go home and trust the heart. Big relief here.

I: Awesome!

Close eyes, put a hand on right side of chest, opposite the heart, feel fully whatever shows up. Take your time
Just feel, without naming.

S: I feel almost at peace but the little one appears as black spot!?

I: Interesting.. Ask the little one, what she wants.

S: She wants to be cuddled and I get a little bit dizzy right know. As if she would slowly slowly agree to wake up from a very deep sleep!?!???

I: Beautiful! Give her a cuddle!
Smile and kiss. Hold arms around your body as if you hug her.

S: She says that she feels totally forgotten!!!

I: Omg!
Say sorry to her and tell that you'll never forget about her any more.
Ask her what she wants from you.

S: She wants to hold hand with me.

I: Hold hands with her.
Tell her that you love her soooo much and that she is beautiful, precious and gorgeous.

S: Crying again....I can't believe that she only wants to hold hands with me and seems to be totally fine. How cute is that?????

I: Totally cute!
Ask her if she is happy.

S: She is so happy only through this....

I: Beautiful!
Ask the heart now if it's at peace.

S: Heart gives me a big smile. How wonderful.....

I: Lovely! Ask the mind if it's at peace.

S: Oh yeah, it is very happy and at peace.

I: Beautiful :)
I'd suggest now to lay down, close eyes and feel the peace and love for a bit.

S: Oh, yes, I feel having down a marathon. Can we please stop for today?
Soo much gratitude.

I: Yes, we are finished.
You are most welcome!

S: Can't find enough words for this work with you, Ilona. So much love.

I: Love received! And much love to you!

S: Thanks xoxoxo, Susanne

I: Xoxoxo

We can speak later!

Rest now!



Monday

S: What a perfect timing it was. I could immediately go to bed after the session, had a deep rest and feel "the marathon" today in a very good way. Talk to you later after settling a bit more. With love, Susanne

Tuesday

I: Hi Susanne. Hope you are well! How are you feeling today?

S: Thanks for asking, Ilona. I am feeling more peaceful in the sense that I trust myself more. What I mean by "myself" is my authority, my heart, what feels true for me. Less confusion because I am now more and more able to stand up for myself.

By the way two days before my husband died out of the blue I said to him, which came out of the blue as well, that I now know why I moved to Australia (not to marry him 3 month earlier): "Life supports me that I can stand up for myself"........

Thank you for your brilliant support. I would like to do this with other people more than guiding. Do you have any suggestions for me? With love, Susanne

Wednesday

I: That's great to hear that you trust yourself more! Beautiful. What you can do is keep talking to the heart and mind and the little one, you can listen to what they have to say and give them love. This self-love is so nourishing and peaceful.

I'm sorry to hear that your husband passed away..

Much love

S: Thank you, Ilona. Yes, my husband's death 3,5 years ago was the starting point to put all my spiritual knowledge into practice what I still love to do.

Thank you for the tip to stay in contact with the mind, the heart and the little one. I actually did it today automatically. Sending love, Susanne

If you like to post our session feel free to do so.

Friday

I: Thank you very much! I may do that, post it on the blog in a couple of days. These sessions seem to help other people too, to go through some kind of opening. Which is lovely!

Hope you are well!

Much love.


Today


S: Thank you Ilona, yes I am well. I had this kind of session with a friend of mine yesterday which was pretty good. What I really love about this dialogue is the intuitive kind of communication. Much love to you.

I: That is great to hear! Once you experienced this kind of dialogue, you know it and you can hold space for a friend. It's kindness that works the magic. Welcoming everything, giving hugs, kisses and smiles to what comes for a visit is like a balm on an old wound. It's like watering and nourishing that which was dried out. Giving love to parts that forgot how it feels. Just sitting with a feeling for a minute allowing it to be ok is a turning in. LOOKING inside. Noticing what is going on without trying to run away. It really is interesting... You know the phrase look inside, well, this is it. 

Deep Looking a very intuitive flow, sometimes the answers and questions that come up are surprising. Sometimes it gets really weird, but keep going, it's all part of it. It works best with a friend and it works for both. If release does not happen then it's more talking needed. Using this, one can go into very deep peace with what is. 

Enjoy :)

Deep Looking with Christiane

My friend Christiane has been saying that she was using the Deep Looking process by herself and it was very clarifying for her. We agreed to have a session and look together at some patterns. After the session I asked her if I could share it on this blog and not only she kindly agreed, she also sent me a letter describing how she practised it by herself. Here is her letter and the session below. 

I find it very interesting to notice, how mind is trying to be good, to be useful, but the way it does it, creates tension. Deep looking process allows an access the core of blockage/unease and by observing and re-evaluating what is happening, the pattern releases. It is simple, but from what I have seen, very effective.

A letter from Christiane

Deep Looking - I came across these words in the end of July 2015 when doing a background research about the forum on Liberation Unleashed.

Reading through many pages on Ilona's blog to find out whether this "Direct looking" was worth a try, I had also crossread the description about how to do the Deep Looking for yourself. It didn't speak to me. Little did I know then that deep looking would turn out to be my second leg in walking the path, peeling off the layers of self.

After crossing the gate and then going further, I encountered a grueling hindrance: Fear. Usually not being fearful at all, I was completely taken by surprise. Nearly at each step to peeling off the next layer it was there, sometimes I was flooded with fear for days. It was probably due to the "neckbreaking speed" I had, as my guide called it.

Still, after 40 years of seeking, there was so much urgency to know the truth no matter what that the process just kept rolling on.

Fear had thrown me into strong resistance once again and I was close to dropping the ball, which at the same time I did not want to do at all. That was the moment when I remembered the article about Deep Looking. I went back to it and tried it myself.

These notes are written directly after the session.

"I had discovered that it again scared me stiff to let go of the next layer of selfing and I had developed quite a resistance to the guiding I receive. So I went in to talk to my heart.

I found a little girl. OMG, she was hiding in a corner on the floor, very afraid. I picked her up in my arms and held her tightly, stroking gently. She buried her head in my shoulders and didn't talk. I took her with me to the mind. Mind was in despair, saying it knew this was going on but didn't have the power the prevent it, since I insisted on asking all these questions.

I sat down with them and started talking to the child. My first serious talk about Santa. I asked her whether she remembered how she found out that there wasn't any Santa. She did and reminded me that it was the younger sister who had found out and told her. I asked her whether anything had happened to Santa, whether somebody had killed him. She said, of course not. Santa had never been there.

So I explained to her that this is the case with the I as well. Nobody will be killed or die. Everything will be fine, and most likely even better. She got it, stood up and started bouncing around. Mind was very relieved that the girl felt alright again. -

I am moved to tears. Mind is so loving and tries to avoid any hurt to the heart. How come I never saw this and fought a needless war against my mind? I am so at peace with this wonderful mind."

After this Deep Looking session the fear and resistance to the Direct Looking in the next step were completely gone and I could smoothly move forward.


At another time working with Deep Looking gave me a very important insight that helped in two ways. My partner had had a life-threatening complication after heart surgery and I had to face the fact that she might be dying. At the same time I was looking into why all this selfing happens in the first place and seeing that selfing tries to create the illusion of something permanent, as nothing permanent can be found anywhere - and that fact is ever so hard to accept. Perfect synchronicity!


I did this session on my own. The difficult issue led to a lot of distracting thoughts, I even fell asleep in the middle of it. Still in the end there was acceptance of everything passing, even of my partner's possible passing.

"As usually I turned to the heart first. There I found the little girl, not crying as I would have expected, but sitting there with arms crossed, very determined and stubborn.
I hugged her and asked, what's going on? In a firm and a bit angry voice she stated that she doesn't want everything to pass. She wants them to stay the same, always! She wouldn't accept that everything went away. I thanked her and told her I would be back as I needed to think about this.

The mind said, sorry, it couldn't do anything about this. This was the way things are.

For some hours I pondered about it. And then an idea came up how to talk to the little girl.

I went back to the little girl and asked her what she would choose, given two options: Everything is permanent OR everything is impermanent. No other options available.

The girl considered this. She said she really wanted everything to be permanent. But then, the very bad things would also be permanent and that would not be good either. Going back and forth she finally decided that neither choice was good, but the better one was letting things be impermanent. In the end she was quite alright with it. And I was alright with it as well."

What amazes me again and again is how the insights from the Deep Looking are immediately integrated into the whole being. For me this is close to a miracle. When resolved in Deep Looking, the fear is gone for good. When problems are resolved in Deep Looking, they are resolved for good as well. The Direct Looking takes me step by step through the selfing layers, the Deep Looking removes the hindrances on the path. They are my two legs in walking the path of awakening.

Christiane Michelberger

http://www.unterwegsmitbuddha.de/

Last Saturday

I: Morning

I'm here. Let me know when you are ready

C: Good morning. I am ready

I: Sweet! Let's start
Take 3 deep breaths and relax

C: ok

I: Then ask the mind, if it's at peace. Wait for the answer and bring it to me.

C: Mind says: Are you kidding? I was up all night raising the dams (like for floods). I don't know what you are up to today.

I: Thank the mind.
Ask it what it wants the most.

C: Peace

I: Lovely. Ask it what is in the way of peace.

C: All These inquiries I am doing.

I: Ok, ask it what it is looking for.

C: It wants to settle in something that is stable (sadness coming up)

I: Give the mind a hug and a kiss. Tell it you love it so much.
Ask it what should be stable.

C: Mind wants to stand on firm grounds. It feels like being in the midst of mudslides happening all the time.

I: Thank the mind and ask it if it is in control of what is happening.

C: No, it says it's not but still tries to make sure that nothing bad happens to heart.
It's at the end of its wits.

I: Ask it if trying to control helps.

C: No, it doesn’t' help but gives the Feeling that something is done about it.
Mind says: I can't just let it all happen!

I: Ask it why.

C: Mind thinks the Little Girl in the heart Freaks out. Actually that's not true, I see it quite cheerful.

I: Let's ask the heart if it needs the mind to control what is happening.

C: ok
The heart says, no, mind is just Messing everything up. (this is not the Little Girl)

I: Great. Thank the heart and ask the mind if it wants to continue messing up.

C: Ehem, mind is quite indignated and insists on that it is NOT Messing things up.

I: ask the mind to look at what it is really in control of.

C: Oh...
Mind is just realising that by building all These dams and filters and whatever, so what happens doesn't have so much Impact, it in fact makes it worse by distorting things, making them look more threatening than they actually are.

I: Right.. Thank the mind for doing such a great job and ask it if it wants to continue doing that.

C: Mind says no, as the result is the opposite of what it actually wants. And it is sad that it doesn't work out what it is doing.

I: Give it a nice warm hug
Ask it if it wants to relax.

C: Mind feels very bad, like no longer needed. And yes, It would like to relax.

I: Lovely. Ask it if it's ready to relax.

C: No, it's not. It has to get over that bad Feeling first.

I: That's ok. Let's just focus on sensations that are present and feel them for a bit. Let it all be ok

C: ok

I: Tell the mind that you love it very much.
Tell it that it is safe to relax.

C: Mind doesn't believe me. It feels it has not done its work properly and can't be loved

I: Ask it what is in the way of accepting love.

C: Tears are coming up. You have to be good first - then you can be loved

I: Ah.... Is that true? Ask it

C: That's what it learnt. It can't tell whether it is true or not.

I: Ask it to look

C: *smile. Mind asks whether looking is something it can do properly

I: Ask it to look for itself, if being good is a condition for being loved.

C: Mind says, it's stupid to connect both as the one doesn't have anything to do with the other.

I: Exactly.
Tell the mind, that you love it no matter what.

C: *crying

I: Hugs....
Tell the mind, that you appreciate it and want it to be happy.

C: Mind says it thought it is going to be thrown away.

I: Tell it no, it's not going to be thrown away, only released from pointless, not useful tasks.
Ask it if it would like to be relaxed and useful.

C: Yes, very much so!

I: Ask it if it's ready to release all the tasks that do not serve.

C: Mind would like to know whether there are any useful Tasks. Like it used to be so good in remembering all kinds of Details, and now they just seem to be forgotten though the most important things come up when needed.

I: Tell it that there are useful and practical as well as creative tasks.

Tell it that it no longer needs to work hard to be good, it is loved as it is.

C: Mind likes to work, really enjoys it but not as hard as it did. It would like to have an example for what is left. I gave: practicing viola and figuring out how to play the music the easiest way. Understanding the amazing things I am reading right now. Really play around with whatever it likes. There has been so much pressure on it.

I: Ask it if it would like to let go of pressure.

C: Yes, it would like to. It doesn't trust me as I have been overloading it.

I: Ask it if it's ready to let go of pressure.

C: Mind says it doesn't know whether it works. "I am a hard working mind. That's ME. Still it is too much for me".
Strange...

I: Ask it if it likes pressure.

C: Oh, in a way yes it does very much. It shows how much it can handle
But then suddenly there comes the point when it gets too much. And then it doesn't like it any longer

I: Ask the mind, what it prefers, pressure or peace.

C: Peace. It does associate peace also with dullness or boredom which it doesn't like

I: Peace is not boredom, it's being able to work without conflict.
It's an absence of creating and solving problems-- That is not useful.

C: Mind laughs. It is really good in creating Problems that then have to be solved.

I: Yes.. And if that's what it wants to do, then it's fine.
It can create and solve problems if it wants to.

C: No. It thinks it is pretty ridiculous. It went through how it would be if my Partner died and what Problems would have to be solved so many times that finally it stopped by itself. It does feel confident in solving Problems as they are arising.

I: Beautiful
So ask it if it's ready to relax.

C: YES. On realising that it can very well solve any arising problem pretty well, a big fat YES

I: Great. Ask it if it's ready to relax now.

C: Yes, it is

I: Nice. Close your eyes and just feel whatever comes up. Let all be ok. Just feel. Take your time.

.......

C: Very peaceful. Sometimes a sad Feeling comes up shortly and the mind gets startled. But then it sees that it is not a problem to be solved and relaxes again. Hm. It now knows what a problem is and what is not. And feels really good about being trusted to solve Problems as they arise without 10 Dress rehearsals.

I: Beautiful!
Ask it now if it knows that the heart is its home.

C: Actually it thought it is the other way round.

I: Hehe
Ask it if it's at home

C: Yes it is. And it understands now what heart was saying about Messing up. Mind tried to solve Feelings as if they were a problem to be solved. Now it knows that doesn't belong to the category "Problems". And that "solving Feelings" was the Messing up.

I: Gorgeous!

C: Thank you, Ilona. I so much appreciate your help.

I: You are very welcome!
Sending hugs

C: Thank you. Sending you hugs too.
It feels like a real heavy weight is gone

I: That's great!
I'd recommend to lay down for a bit and just feel whatever wants to be felt.

C: I will do that. Thank you again, Ilona
Bye for now. There is so much love welling up right now, beautiful.

Sunday

C: Dear Ilona, I don't know what happened yesterday. Since then I am in the most beautiful space. It is like a radiant vibrant nothingness, very peaceful and alive. I expected it to pass rather soon but it is still there this morning. Thank you again for your wonderful guidance.

I: Something happened. It's an opening. It's like a new default. I'm delighted to hear that you are in a beautiful space.

C: New Default - I love that expression. That is how it actually feels like.

I: Wonderful.

Wednesday

I: hi, Christiane, how are you?

C: Oh, that's sweet, thank you for asking. I am still in this beautiful space, the mudslide is gone and it feels like solid grounds though everything is very fluid at the same time. There is a lovely joy inside most of the time. Most of the time thoughts are very quiet. I have to get used to that silence, lol. I have no idea where I am and it doesn't really matter. My Partner asked me why I am so happy and I didn't have an answer :-)=

I: wow, lovely. It’s amazing how much space all the unnecessary noise takes, isn't it?

C: Yes, it is! Sometimes I am just sitting around doing nothing. It's wonderful. On the other side I could fully return to what I am doing with translating, taking care of Office stuff and things like that. I was pretty paralyzed before. A miracle happened.

I: I feel your joy

C: I am very, very grateful, Ilona.

I: You are most welcome. I am delighted to assist.
Big thanks to you for being open to share this. 

..............

There is more on Deep Looking on this page. There is a Facebook group as well, if you would like to read more sessions, just ask me there to be added. If you would like to book a session, email me and we can agree on time. 

Friedrich: Feels Like Freedom

Frederich
Dear Ilona –

I have your email from your book “The Gateless Gatecrashers” – which I haven’t read (so far) – I’m tired of reading

So, I signed in to your website, and got tired of reading through all the instructions …

I learned from you since your short time with Robert’s “Busting Loose”, and we had some short interactions on Facebook –

ALTHOUGH, it would seem that “I” have a “clear” understanding that there isn’t really any “me” – the SENSE of it, is still rather strong!

So, CLEARLY, clear seeing hasn’t happened – yet –

But, hopefully, the time is ripe for it –

So please, let me know if we can communicate through this medium, or if we would have to do it through your forum!

Thanks for reading!

Frederich

Ilona 

11/24/13

Hi Frederich,

Thank you for message, it's great to hear from you.

Yes, we can communicate through this medium and it would be my pleasure to have a chat with you.

Here are some questions for you to ponder:

Focus on sense of me. What is it? Where is it? Is it sense of being / aliveness, or sense of me? Does that sense disappear if it's labelled differently, let's say, broccoli?

Is sense of being happening to you? Or as you? Is there you in the sense or only in thought? Without thought does sense of being disappear?

Is sense of being personal? Is there anything that is doing being, that can switch it on or off?

Describe what you notice.

Sending love.

Friedrich 

11/24/13

Dear Ilona–

Wow! That’s so great! – Thank you!

The “sense of me” is definitely lessening, just since I wrote you the first email yesterday, and read the first chapter of your book – even to a point where the question arose “why the heck did I write her so desperately yesterday? It’s really no big deal!” – Or, is that just a “strategy to avoid the seeing of no me?!” – We will see.

There is experienced a rather hard time to find a “sense of me” – it seems to be a rather something showing up, appearing and disappearing as a temporary “thing” of what is – when it appears to appear, then it is sensed “surrounding/including” the body – AND, there is DEFINITELY also a sense of being/aliveness, which is “just here” quietly – “simply present” – if the “sense of me” is labeled “broccoli”, then it doesn’t feel anymore something “personal”, but just as a “thing” – neutral – and more space is experienced –

No, definitely, a “sense of being” ISN’T happening “to me” but IS “me”! WITHOUT thinking/thought, there is definitely “only” isness – being – (just so that it lasts only a fraction of a second, and all thoughts are back!) – And no; the sense of being ISN’T personal – it’s simply something “that is” – and, IN A WAY, it would feel like this “sense of being” would be, sort of, the REAL “me”–  and NO: there ISN’T ANYTHING doing being – being is simply what is – UNLESS, for whatever reasons, there seems to be a “sucking in” to happen, an identification with thoughts, emotions and sensations, with story, and the aliveness seems gone, and eternal hell seems back …  – okay; when I wrote “for whatever reasons”, that wasn’t completely accurate: MOST of the times, it is triggered by some “outside” event – this unit called Friedrich had been built with the rather intolerant character, which makes it almost impossible to live together with other people – add to that a paralyzes from the neck downwards since over 34 years, and the last five years having to lay for the most time in bed due to some very resistant bedsores in both of its buttocks, and you get an idea of how “perfectly” it is all scripted! LOL! I mean it’s like “CHANGE OR DIE/SUFFER!” – OR: realize your true nature, will keep suffering!

Thank you for your willingness to support me on this adventure, and to dedicate some of your time to this non-existent “me”! Or, more accurate yet, to the busting of the non-existent “me”!

Friedrich

11/28/13

Ilona – knowing how committed you are to support others in seeing clearly, and having no answer from you yet, I suspect that maybe, for whatever reasons, you are not getting my emails – so, and sending it here again, hoping that this time it will land in your mailbox! Thank you.

Ilona

11/29/13

Hi Friedrich,

Thank you for emails, indeed your email got lost and it's good that you sent it again yesterday. I normally reply in a day or two. If I'd don't, it's either I'm very busy or something did not reach me. 

You can write to me everyday, this way mind gets to focus and clarifies what is going on.  This process is yours, so just write what you notice, what is going on, even if I don't reply every email. 

..........

What you wrote about being rings true. Yes, being just is. sense of me is not constant. It arises and passes away, within situations. Sense of me is not even a sense of me, but a contraction + labels that say it is me. 

For a day examine the language and how it is constructed. We have a subject/object - doing action. 

Notice- I breathe - does that make I the breather or it is a way to describe breathing happening here?

I lay in bed- is it I that is laying?

Computer sits on a table- is there computer doing sitting? 

Here is an exercise for you in this post, do it here or on paper and notice, how language creates an illusion of doer. 

http://markedeternal.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/labels.html

Answer the questions from the post, plus tell me, how does labelling experience affect experience? How does labelling what is happening affect what is happening? 

Sending love 

Friedrich 

11/29/13

Thank you, Ilona! – "your not getting my emails" was VERY insightful! Because, a lot of old patterns of, apparently, not being good enough, being rejected came up, and the belief the story to be true happened again! Depression, resentment and anger arose again, and was experienced as “I am that anger, that’s resentment, that’s depression, etc. – Until, the identification with the story was seen through again, especially, after the last email was sent to you!

Reading the exercise recommended by you, and other post on your website was seen and read, about the myth of permanent enlightenment – which helped seeing more clearly that whatever is is – the permanent enlightenment happens; then so be it – if getting caught up in the story, and believing it, happens again; then so be it – if it happens over and over again; then so be it – anyway, it’s just another story!

So then, this is what came up in the 20 minutes exercise:

I’m lying in bed, dictating this text – I’m doing my best speak very clearly, so that my dictation device can write exactly what I’m dictating, and not writing some errors – at the same time, I’m thinking thoughts about worrying making mistakes, getting steered up by noises people around me could make, which would affect negatively my dictations, and hence the accuracy of my dictation. I’m trying to breathe slowly, in order to avoid tension. I’m getting nervous and anxious because I’m hearing the neighbours moving around and making noise, which could affect the quality of my dictations, because the software can’t differentiate between my voice and other noises, hence, everything gets, in a way, translated into words! Which for me, is very annoying, and makes me very angry and feeling like a victim! – I’m waiting for the next thing to write, but nothing comes up – I’m looking at the clock, and have still two minutes to go! – I would rather want to wake up for once and forever, instead of doing those kinds of exercises! I’m tired the whole shit!

Lying in bed is happening – as well as speaking into the microphone so that the dictation device can transcribe the spoken words into written words – listening to the river is happening, as well as breathing – anger is rising, because of the inability to pronounce the word “breathing” (the dictation device always understands “briefing”). So, a desire for “perfection” is there – a judgement that “what is” isn’t perfect, but something else would be instead – lying in bed is noticed, as well as thoughts and emotions coming and going – waiting for the nurse is also noticed, as well as a certain lightness and slight joy about the day – watching at the clock is noticed, as well as two minutes liking to complete the 10 minutes exercise! It is seen that describing what happens and what is this way feels much more lighter and smoother – more flowing, whereas the traditional way feels more “hard” and “cut out”, like “cemented in”

So, it seems that there would be a choice – both ways of living and describing what is/life seems to be equally “valuable” (because, both of them appear to exist), and the second way of seeing DEFINITELY feels much more gentle and softer!

And who knows: Maybe there even is a purpose behind a “slowly” awakening, instead of a spontaneous and permanent one! I mean, the only one having a preference in this – wouldn’t that be the illusionary “I”?! LOL! Isn’t already everything exactly the way it is supposed to be, even the apparent “I”, “believing” the story to be his or her story? And who or what is it anyway that is identifying itself with the I Thought? Isn’t that Infinite Aliveness Itself?! Since there is nothing else?

It seems that if awakening isn’t spontaneous and permanent, great alertness and commitment is needed – alertness and commitment in sticking to the “non-me” narration of what is, instead of the “I” narration –. If it is seen that everything is really only happening, without a me doing it/making it happen, then there is immediate ease and smoothness present.

 it is clearly seen that WITHOUT labelling, there would be “only” presence – no “experiencing” – as soon as language = labelling starts, even in such subtle forms as naming things by their name; experiencing kicks in – and, of course, even more so when labelling experiences and emotions as good and bad, right and wrong, enjoyable not enjoyable, liking or not liking –

And it seems that there is no way to stop this from happening – labelling/wording just appears to happen, with no one doing it –

Thanks for your time!

And for your love!

Ilona

11/30/13

Thank you for reply, Friedrich. 

You can trust, that all is unfolding as it should. And seeing no self is not enlightenment, it's a first step, crossing a line, the beginning of awakened journey. It is not a door to happy ever after. It's a door to exploration what this is. 

Seeing that there is no one here, no entity, clears the want for enlightenment, as it is seen that there is no one here to achieve that. The whole story of enlightened has no longer a point to stick. No more seeking. 

Ok. Let's dig deeper. Yes, you see it, labelling is just happening without a doer.

Now focus on the narration, the voice in the head, let it talk whatever it wants to talk and take a look- what is there that is listening to it? 

What is that voice talking to/ at? 

Is it always telling truth? 

What is it arguing with?

What is that cares, which story the voice is engaged in? 

Have a look, is there a me, or a story ABOUT me. Is there Friedrich or a story ABOUT Friedrich? 

Does voice in the head know anything?

What is that knows of this voice? 

Looking forward to your answers. 

Sending love. 

Friedrich 

11/30/13

Dear Ilona – Thanks!

“Seeing that there is no one here, no entity, clears the want for enlightenment, as it is seen that there is no one here to achieve that. The whole story of enlightened has no longer a point to stick. No more seeking.” – And, at least, so it seems here, there still is a “curiosity” to explore more …?!

“What is that voice talking to/at?” It SEEMS as if this voice would talk to a “me” – but then, on further seeing, it also seems that there is only an awareness of that voice talking, and that I identify with this awareness as “me” – it feels lighter to just phrase it as “awareness of that voice is happening”

“Is it always telling the truth?” LOL! NO! NOT AT ALL! Actually, it’s almost NEVER telling the truth!

“What is it arguing with?” Mostly, it is AGAINST/RESISTING what is, in each given moment. It is almost never satisfied with what is – apparently, his voice has “clear” ideas about how mostly everything should be in order for it to be enjoyable and “right” – it has its “own” opinion about almost everything –

“What is that cares, which story the voice is engaged in?” That’s tricky! It would seem like this awareness would have its own opinion about the opinions of the voice – but then, of course, this can’t be true, because, SOMETHING ELSE IS AWARE of that dynamic! So it seems rather that there is awareness of two voices: one arguing/commenting on what is, and the other arguing/commending on that first voice! With the later one, “I” seem more identifying with than with the first one – interesting is also that: why would I pay THAT much attention to the first voice?! It’s almost as if that voice would be an authority! – Somebody once said that this voice could be compared to a “roommate” who is continuously commenting and arguing on everything – if it would be like a roommate, I could kick her out! LOL! “Shut up! And leave me alone!” But, apparently, it isn’t that easy – unless it is – who knows!

"Have a look, is there a me, or a story ABOUT me. Is there Friedrich or a story ABOUT Friedrich?” – Yes – “unfortunately”, their sale is a story about me – in a way, it’s still all about me! This story is as hard to kick out as cockroaches! While it is more and more frequently seen that this me–story is just a story, the being sucked into the story still happens very frequently, completely on autopilot! – Especially because the story is so intensely felt/linked to the body – ones body is feeling it, the focus is on the bodily sensations, and that SEEMS all that there is – but, of course, SOMETHING is aware of this too! So, what if who I truly am is this awareness? And everything is just happening IN that awareness? How could I “anchor” myself as this awareness, at least, more often?

"Does voice in the head know anything? What is it that knows of this voice?” – This voice knows VERY little! Almost nothing! Only in a few practical things does it know anything, and it seems that almost everything it appears to know, if not totally everything, is based on past experience! Although it always tries to commend and “predict” the future; it literally has no clue, and does so mostly on past experiences again – “rising the dead” comes to my mind! LOL! – Like I wrote before: it would seem that AWARENESS knows of this voice – Infinite Awareness appears to be AWARE of this voice, as well as of everything that is – I mean, WITHOUT Infinite Awareness; we couldn’t even say that something exists!

Nice questions!

Thanks – until WHENEVER!

Ilona

12/2/13

Great investigation. 

Have a closer look, is there more then one voice talking? 

What is behind the voice? 

Is it body that experienced or body too is experienced? 

Consider the voice as a radio- it keeps talking, you pay attention to what it's talking or not, the story keeps being narrated. Do you expect the story to stop being told? It's not like that. It keeps arising, but when the belief in true-eness drops, so does the volume. The voice can talk away, without being judged as wrong. 

Being sucked into the story happens, but what does the story stick to? 

Sending love. 

Friedrich

12/2/13

Have a closer look, is there more then one voice talking?  There doesn’t to be a voice, but only the awareness of thoughts, and like a “process”, “custom”, “tendency” or “identification” (it’s hard to find the exact word) to hold those thoughts as true – this happens completely automatically – there also seems to be a total and complete reliance on those thoughts; an “absolute” trust in the validity of what they are saying, like, a statement of what is – it is also seen that in times of apparent confusions, sadness, anger, depression, “problems”, etc., thinking is used in order to bring clarity and ease, or to discern between awareness, and what this awareness is aware of – also an investigation, trying to find out if this awareness is affected by what it is aware of (the insight, of course, is ALWAYS – NO! Awareness is this still, quiet, peaceful, serene, “empty”, presence) – often times, there ARE, apparently, thoughts fighting/arguing, which COULD refer to two different sources; but they are “sensed” as having the exact same “quality”

What is behind the voice? AT TIMES (very seldom), I can recognize my father’s belief system behind them – other times, I can recognize that some “teacher” (like Robert S.) would have said that – but most of the times, there isn’t anything recognized behind those thoughts; they just seem to arise, and disappear again, and sometimes, they seem to arise over and over and over and over again! You get the point! LOL!

Is it body that experienced or body too is experienced?  No; the body DOESN’T appear to experience anything – it just APPEARS to happen IN the body (the contraction, the pain, the joy, the pleasure, the warm, the cold, etc.), which then SEEMS to be owned by an illusionary “me” as “my” pain, “my” sadness, “I am feeling joyful, said, I am depressed, angry” etc. – like I said before; this all seems to happen completely on autopilot – 

Consider the voice as a radio- it keeps talking, you pay attention to what it's talking or not, the story keeps being narrated. You expect for the story to stop being told? It's not like that. It keeps arising, but when the belief in true-eness drops, so does the volume. The voice can talk away, without being judged as wrong. There could the “problem” be: there seems to be a complete and total inability to NOT pay attention to the story being narrated – the same appears to be true to whatever sounds appear in the surroundings – it seems like something is always scanning the environment for noises/voices, and, most of the times, gets completely and totally upset by it! Actually, this SEEMS to be one of THE biggest anointment in the storyline!

And, yes: there IS a very very high expectation for the story to be stopped from being told! This would SEEM like heaven!

I hear what you are saying about that (stopping of the story) not being so, and that by not believing it, it weakens – I first learned about that in late 2001, with Byron Katie – “is it true?” And despite all of having done her work diligently, and over years, not much has changed (if anything). Since I’m using a dictation device in order to write (which I have to, because of the physical limitations), this “scanning the surroundings for possible noises”, has become even more extreme, because the dictation device CAN’T differentiate between what I am dictating it, and other noises – so it reacts to both! LOL! Grrr!!! Thoughts/feelings of victimhood and rage are coming up!) I would truly love to be able to be more effective in seeing through the lies the stories! And even if I, on a conscious level am very clear about the illusionary appearances of the story, “something deep down” (unconscious) still appears to hold on/belief in those stories! HELP!

INSTEAD of simply seeing through the story; I FIGHT it – like in “go away! You are not true!” Which of course, holds it in place! How to cut this vicious cycle?!

Being sucked into the story happens, but what does the story stick to?  I have no clue! At times I sensed like if something wouldn’t allow me to be free from the story – which I know ISN’T true, and I only can do this to myself – this “something wouldn’t allow me to be free from the story” is just another belief, seeing as an appearance in awareness – but it seems a very sticky one! There seems to be another belief like “that would be too much freedom!” Like in “that would make me too different/big from all the “other” people!” Sometimes, even something like “I haven’t earned it yet, to be that free – guilt? – Another thought: “I never get what I truly want, and even IF I get it, it’s usually never what I thought it would be (give me)”

If it was talking only positive stuff, would that too be a problem?  “Positive” stuff in the usual sense, would be a problem also – “constructive” stuff like “what if it is not true?”, “Who knows if that is the case?”, Etc., would be “no problem”

Whatever it's talking is fiction. If there are buttons pressed- it's a gift- as it's showing you what else needs to be looked at, what else needs to heal. 

Thank the voice. See what happens.  I have begun doing this, and there IS a shift experienced (although, not as thoroughly as desired/expected – LOL! – And of course, THAT thought can be thanked also!)

Funny! It SEEMS like the deeper the going, the “tougher”, the more intense it gets, AND, at the same time, also easier & faster!

Thank Us!

Friedrich

12/5/13

It seems that the email Dragon was hungry again …  so, I’m sending it here again!

Ilona 

12/5/13

Great investigation! 

Sorry about the delay with answer. 

ME can not get rid of story, it's same like batman can not get rid of story about batman. It's all story. 

Remember something from the past. For a minute hold an image of event, something significant. 

Tell me, is this story the same if you are in a good mood or bad mood? Do other people remember this same way? Is there a true story? Is this story owned by you? 

How does the story appear? When does it appear? Is it possible to changed what happened? Is it possible to change story about what happened? Examine this closely. 

Then for a minute imagine yourself in 2 years time. Can you see that image being created?

Focus on here now. Let this what is be ok. Is there much story in the present? 

How story and time are connected? 

Here are some questions for you dear Friedrich. Have fun with them. 

Looking forward to answers.  

Sending love. 

Friedrich 
12/6/13

Hi Ilona!

ME can not get rid of story, it's same like batman can not get rid of story about batman. It's all story. Excellent observation! – And, once it is seen, SO obvious!

Remember something from the past.  Although the basic storyline IS the same, the sensations and details various, each time I “remember” that story – and of course, other people DON’T necessarily remember the exact same story – if we are lucky, we get at least SOME agreements on what it is that is remembered; but most likely, the meaning and significance of the story are for each person different, if not, VERY different! – Regarding “if there is a true story”, it will depend on how you define “true” – if “true” is what is, at each moment, and for each person – then yes; there would be a “true” story. But if you mean by a “true story” the actual facts, what was “REALLY” going on – THEN you can FORGET the notion of a “true story” – all we have are just STORIES. – “Is the story owned by me?” When seeing clearly; no – it is just A story (and anybody could “own” it – LOL!)

How does the story appear? When does it appear? Is it possible to changed what happened? Is it possible to change story about what happened? Examine this closely.  The story appears to arise SPONTANEOUSLY – all by itself – it just does appear – and sometimes it appears to stay, even for quite “sometime”, and other times, it disappears, right away – there could be something happening that could trigger the story – and, it is NEVER possible to change what happened – what happened happened – (although another story would gladly insist that what happened COULD have been different! But that’s a lie. LOL!) “Is it possible to change the story about what happened?” Yes! Thanks goodness, THIS happens all the time, and a lot of times, rather naturally! Like we have seen before, HOW something appears to be “remembered”, OFTEN TIMES, it depends from WHERE (emotional state) it is remembered. Also, most of the times, seeing what supposedly has happened from some distance, takes out at least some of the apparent intensity.

On another note: how can I truly truly truly KNOW that something is remembered, and not just a story that shows up which has another story of “this has happened in the past) attached to it?!

Then for a minute imagine yourself in 2 years time. Can you see that image being created?  Yes – I can see that image being imagined, out of “nothing” – or maybe “out of conditioning, with all its likes on don’t likes, with all its expectations."

Focus on here now. Let this what is be ok. Is there much story in the present?  No – no thoughts, no story – the story seems to arise again, whenever something appears to occur, which isn’t welcomed, like for example right now, when the neighbour is starting cutting his grass, precisely when I’m dictating! – And besides that, I just don’t like that noise! I like silence – quietness – which of course is also just a story!

How story and time are connected?  Of Course: Story NEEDS time! Or maybe, story IS time!They seem to be one and the same.

Thank you Ilona , for playing with me!

Ilona 

12/7/13

Brilliant.  You are digging right in! Sweet. 

you say "On another note: how can I truly truly truly KNOW that something is remembered, and not just a story that shows up which has another story of “this has happened in the past) attached to it?!"

Memory comes up as a familiar image with the story. Sensations, feelings are involved, it's a rich experience of a story. All you can know is that it's a story about the past. And story about imagined events has a different flavour. :) 

what is here now is what is happening. Memory is a story about what is not happening right now. Same is future- a story about what is not happening.  

Have a look, is there container of stored stories? 

Did I asked you to watch Alan watts video? You can look up on YouTube- Alan Watts boat analogy, it's brilliant how he illustrates time. 

The key is to recognise a story as a story. 

Can you choose which stories are being told by the voice in the head? 

Does it matter? 

Sending love. 

Friedrich

12/7/13

Have a look, is there container of stored stories? Yes! And that container is located in Fort Knox, and traded at the Wall Street! LOL! – Now SERIOUSLY: of course, there ISN'T any container of stored stories – maybe at best, we could say that they all rise out of Infinite Consciousness – No Thing.

Can you choose which stories are being told by the voice in the head? Tricky question! It seems that it would depend: IN GENERAL, the story just seems to arise – but it would seem that I could focus on what kind of story I would like if I choose to focus – so in this sense, it would seem that I could choose to imagine a horror story or a love story – but of course: from where or what would that choice come from? And then: from where or what would all the imagined details come from?! It would seem as, as long as the story "I" am able to imagine is of my likening, I easily would say: "I imagine that story!" Whereas would that story the left is like, I would say: "that story just arose."

Does it matter? For this unit here; it still does matter! I would rather prefer an interesting story, then a story of ugliness, war, horror, cruelty or the likes. For example, I would rather prefer to walk again and to all the things I did back then, then lie in bed – and what if this preference comes from What Is, from "The I Am That"?! I mean: from where else could ANYTHING come from?! And, is this not who I Truly Am?!

Sending love. 

Hugs to You!

Ilona 

12/8/13

IN GENERAL, the story just seems to arise – but it would seem

Seem word indicates thinking, it seems = illusion. It seems like but is this the case in actuality? 

In reality, do you choose which story plays in the head? 

The story "I can choose any story" - is another story. Is that story true? 

If you really could choose any story, would this story be the one being repeated over and over again? 

The key is to see that stories are stories, not reality. Story arises and if reaction happens, it goes into a feedback loop, triggers feelings, more thoughts about feelings and here you go- madness! 

Reaction to story is what keeps it going. Reaction of resistance. Resisting what is. 

Yes, you are in bed, not running around, if you resist this situation, there is suffering.  The only way out is through acceptance. Accepting this as it is fully without any "but..." The journey of awakening is journey of acceptance, surrender. But first thing to accept is resistance itself. Without accepting resistance, as a valid experience, we can not move forward. Resistance is a friend- it's showing the way- what else needs to be accepted.

So for a few minutes feel your situation, feel it fully, feel resistance and let ALL  just be ok. Just for a couple of minutes allow this be ok as it is.  If you can welcome it all and bow in honour, thanking this. 

See what happens.  

Sending love. 

Friedrich

12/9/13

Seem word indicates thinking, it seems = illusion. It seems like but is this the case in actuality? Well, in the way it is seen from here, I like to, whenever possible, not getting into conclusions, but let the door opens for something else, that I may, right now, not be able to "see" – but so far, from where I am right now, ALL that I can say is that I have absolutely no idea from where thoughts arise – AND, AT THE VERY SAME TIME, there is also a feeling sense, That It Is All Me! I mean: if I am truly all that is, then in some very "mysterious" way (that I have no clue as yet – and maybe never will) I MUST be the "authority" of all thoughts and decisions, as well as Of All That Is! I mean: there isn't "anybody" else! Of course: it's NOT the person – Its like when Jesus supposedly said "I and my father are one". – That's why I also trust that all this desires to walk again, to travel, to play the accordion again, photography, skiing, etc., Are There For a Reason! Even if I still would identify myself with the person; those thoughts/desires would be there For A Reason! As far as I can see, this Life, this universe, ISN'T a senseless and purposeless "creation"/dream! Just because I can't see exactly WHAT that reason really is, DOESN'T mean that there may be is one! – I also sense that the story is there for a reason also, probably just for fun – In a way, this entire dream seems like a giant and brilliant story factory to me! – At one point, it may be seen that this is all BS – but at the time I sense that this point of view really supports me!

that I could focus on what kind of story I would like if I choose to focus – so in this sense, it would seem that I could choose to imagine a horror story or a love story – but of course: from where or what would that choice come from? And then: from where or what would all the imagined details come from?! It would seem as, as long as the story "I" am able to imagine is of my likening, I easily would say: "I imagine that story!" Whereas would that story the left is like, I would say: "that story just arose."

In reality, do you choose which story plays in the head? 

The story "I can choose any story" - is another story. Is that story true? When I woke up from a six-day coma last year (without any NDE), the first thing I remembered was a very intense and angry discussion about "who the fuck is driving the bus here?!!" – The next thing I remembered was that "something/somebody" presented me with a question: "do you want to stay here (in this dream) or do you want to leave it?" I heard the sound of rain, and "decided" to stay here ... Of course: I am totally aware that I have absolutely NO CLUE WHAT influenced that "choice" – because I am aware that order to even – apparently – having a choice, and decide for one choice and not the other, would need ALREADY have a preference set! Otherwise, how would I prefer one thing over another?! WHAT that preference put there, and how it came there, I have no idea.

The way I see it: AT TIMES, can be very constructive to assume that there would be "free will" – at other times, it is more constructive to "accept" that there isn't. For example, if I ask "what else is possible?", Or "what are the infinite possibilities for this body to show up as completely healed?", I could say that those questions just show up, as well as the possible options – it could also be that nothing will show up – who knows! – And no: I have absolutely no choice what story is playing in my head – it even would seem that I have also absolutely no choice if something makes me become aware of the story playing, or if I'm just seduced by the story – and yes, it's a sweet story that I have at times, sort of, "free will" – LOL!

Does it matter? For this unit here; it still does matter! I would rather prefer an interesting story, then a story of ugliness, war, horror, cruelty or the likes. For example, I would rather prefer to walk again and to all the things I did back then, then lie in bed – and what if this preference comes from What Is, from "The I Am That"?! I mean: from where else could ANYTHING come from?! And, is this not who I Truly Am?!

If you really could choose any story, would this story be the one being repeated over and over again? No: no story is good enough to be repeated over and over again in my head! If I could choose, I would choose NO story!

The key is to see that stories are stories, not reality. Story arises and if reaction happens, it goes into a feedback loop, triggers feelings, more thoughts about feelings and here you go- madness! Yes! And sometimes, apparently, unstoppable – until it stops.

Reaction to story is what keeps it going. Reaction of resistance. Resisting what is. Yes – I came to see this beautifully today.

Yes, you are in bed, not running around, if you resist this situation, there is suffering.  The only way out is through acceptance. Accepting this as it is fully without any "but..." The journey of awakening is journey of acceptance, surrender. But first thing to accept is resistance itself. Without accepting resistance, as a valid experience, we can not move forward. Resistance is a friend- it's showing the way- what else needs to be accepted. Beautiful! This is something else I also came to see today more clearly!

I seldomly use the word "but" – because it's a complete negation of what I said/wrote before I introduce that word – I prefer: AND – like a "okay, I'm in bed now; AND, what else is possible?!" – It's like the saying goes: "what you persist – resists." And what else is possible?!

So for a few minutes feel your situation, feel it fully, feel resistance and let ALL  just be ok. Just for a couple of minutes allow this be ok as it is.  If you can welcome it all and bow in honour, thanking this. 

Sweet, SWEET, SWEEEET!

Thank you so much Ilona! This inquiries are PRICELESS! – And like the commercials go: "and for everything else – use MasterCard! LOL!

Ilona 

12/11/13

There is no authority on all that is. No purpose. No meaning. It's just IS. And no, you are a not the general manager of universe. It's safe to retire from this position. 

There is no I that is all. None as in zero. None as in does not exist.  Like a unicorn. There is a story about one, but you don't need to go looking for it everywhere to know that it's imagined. 

Same is this I that wants to be all that is. It's just a big fat story. 

...

Yeah, free will story is a good one. Only it's empty. 

Choice happens. No doer of choosing. 

Rain happens when situation and conditions are ripe, no entity is choosing when to rain or where to. Same is human choice- conditions always have a choice within them, and so it's being followed.. 

"If you really could choose any story, would this story be the one being repeated over and over again?" No: no story is good enough to be repeated over and over again in my head! If I could choose, I would choose NO story!

No need to dismiss story either. It can be fun! Seeing story as story, not reality ads a layer on experience, but it is not all that is happening, it's just a tiny fraction of this. When focus goes out of the head into what is here now, story stops. See for yourself.  

Friedrich

12/9/13

Dear Ilona!

In my excitement, I forgot to tell you how the little exercise went!

While being with the resistance, I suddenly remembered a process I learned about 14 years ago – it’s called: “Core Transformation”

So, I ask that resistance “what is it that you want to get by resisting?” Surprisingly, it “said” “I want to assure that you get out of bed!” LOL! It was so beautiful, because I could clearly see how utterly INNOCENT that “part” was – very “honorable” intention, but, completely useless! What is SO beautiful about it is the FACT, that the intention was utterly GOOD – LOVING!

I did the same with the intolerance of noise – when I asked “what is it that you want to achieve with this anger towards noise?”, The answer was “peace”! When I dug further, asking “if you have total and complete peace, all the time, no matter what, what is it that you would like to achieve through that?” The answer was “being”! “Just” amazing being, no matter what!”

So it was so beautiful to realize that, no matter the appearance (anger, resistance, etc.), the underlying (misdirected) intention is ALWAYS good! Loving!

So, I feel deep appreciation for having pointed those inquiries out to me!

Big Hug!

Ilona 

12/11/13

Nice! Yes, all is love, sometimes in disguise.

It is one thing to see that separate self is illusion, it's another thing to say yes to whatever comes up.

Say yes to laying in bed. Accept that as it is. Surrender to this. See if there is something that wants to escape this situation. Say yes to that too and let this be ok. See what is behind it. And deeper, and deeper. Till you are seeing that situation as it is is perfect for you as it IS. Rest in that.

Sending love.

Friedrich

12/14/13

“Accepting what is, and surrendering to it”, feels right and light – and how can that happen?! – I have no clue about how to “accomplish” that –

Some things seem easy to accept – some others, not so much – and some others, impossible – There is something that is just plain denying it! For example, I’m now laying in bed for over five years (except for a few months, where I could sit in the wheelchair) – my argument goes like this: “it’s already challenging having to live life with a paralyzed body – that’s enough for one lifetime! – And now, having to accept laying in bed also?! NO WAY!” – ESPECIALLY so when this “lying in bed” happens in a surrounding that is very noisy (“music”) all day, all night – I sense that I have the RIGHT to at least, lying in bed in a quiet and peaceful place! This is plane torture! NO human being should have to live that way! – WHY should ANY human being have to live something it just doesn’t like?! THAT’S INSANE! – EVEN if I COULD accept and surrender to this torture: FOR WHAT GOOD WOULD THAT BE PLEASE???!!! How please could THAT be love?! I have no plans to play Jesus! Or, for that matter, other martyr! As I see it, THAT’S time is OVER! I don’t think that “spirituality” or “non-duality” is to be taken that way!

Or am I wrong?!

If there truly is no “me” (which I don’t have found) why not just take this body out of “circulation” (“life”)? Why to endure all this torture, just to have the same face line, a few days, months, or years later?

I’m aware that this is a very fiercely email – and (just in case, but I’m pretty sure you won’t) it’s not personal – I’m just desperate! Since I’m living in this noisy country (Colombia), I’m trying to be at peace with noise – I have moved places countless times, and “thanks” to “progress” (electricity being brought to remote places, sound equipments cheaper and more powerful), the noise always reaches me again! Relentless! It seems like, the more I enjoy stillness and quietness, the noisier my environment gets! And, since I have to lie in bed, I can’t escape it!

I know you don’t have; but it may be you DO: A MAGIC BULLET!

Thanks for reading this far, Ilona!

Ilona 

12/15/13

“Accepting what is, and surrendering to it”, feels right and light – and how can that happen?! – I have no clue about how to “accomplish” that –

It's not an accomplishment, it's giving up trying. 

Some things seem easy to accept – some others, not so much – and some others, impossible

Yes, I know what you mean. But once again, awakening journey is about acceptance, all that is showing up is already accepted on the deepest level. It is here, because of all conditions and circumstances. If it's happening it's exactly what should be happening. How to know that? - it's already here. 

THAT’S INSANE! – EVEN if I COULD accept and surrender to this torture: FOR WHAT GOOD WOULD THAT BE PLEASE???!!! 

Yes, there is a huge resistance to what is happening.  Can you accept that this resistance is here and just let it be here for a few minutes. Feel it fully and allow it fully.  

Then look behind it, what is there? What is resisting what is? What needs to be protected by this resistance? 

I’m aware that this is a very fiercely email – and (just in case, but I’m pretty sure you won’t) it’s not personal – I’m just desperate!

Yes, it is a fierce expression and yes, it is an honest one. All good. What needs to be expressed is allowed and welcomed. There is anger and fear, there is desperation. It's ok. It's ok to feel as you feel. 

But look behind, what is behind the sensations? 

Since I’m living in this noisy country (Colombia), I’m trying to be at peace with noise the noise always reaches me again! Relentless! It seems like, the more I enjoy stillness and quietness, the noisier my environment gets! And, since I have to lie in bed, I can’t escape it!

:) yeah, I can imagine the notice and frustration. There is something here too - what is trying to escape noise? 

I know you don’t have; but it may be you DO: A MAGIC BULLET!

Ahaha, nope, I have no magic bullet, only red pills. ;) 

Sending you love. 

Keep digging, you are getting close. 

Ilona

12/21/13

How is it going, Friedrich?

Write to me..

Sending love.

Friedrich 

12/21/13

There is “great mastery” in resisting whatever is, and an absolute cluelessness about “how to be open and accepting whatever is”

Although I would say that there is total and complete willingness to let go of resistance of what is, a clear recognition of the total and complete INSANITY of resisting what is (because, it IS ALREADY existing), at the same time, there is also complete and utter powerlessness of letting go – – –

There is a IMMENSE desire of letting go of resistance, because it is so clearly seen that there are only two choices: or completely letting go of resistance and be at peace and happy (maybe even able to marvel and celebrate what is), OR to resist what is, and suffer unmeasurable pain – including, physical pain

AT LEAST, there is a loving recognition of the innocentness of this resistance; from its point of view, it is trying to “protect” me, and give me peace – it just does not work at all!

Any clue?

Any probing questions?

Thanks, Ilona –

Ilona

12/21/13

There is “great mastery” in resisting whatever is, and an absolute cluelessness about “how to be open and accepting whatever is”

Good to notice that.

Although I would say that there is total and complete willingness to let go of resistance of what is, a clear recognition of the total and complete INSANITY of resisting what is (because, it IS ALREADY existing), at the same time, there is also complete and utter powerlessness of letting go – – –

Yes, it is total insanity. It all already is. So you can bang your head against the wall and be upset about it or just say, hmm, I wonder, what else can be accepted.

There is a IMMENSE desire of letting go of resistance, because it is so clearly seen that there are only two choices: or completely letting go of resistance and be at peace and happy (maybe even able to marvel and celebrate what is), OR to resist what is, and suffer unmeasurable pain – including, physical pain

You are seeing it- resistance is pointless.  And yet it is here. Accept resistance and thank it for doing such a great job. Bow to it in honour, notice, the mechanism is working perfectly.

Can you see that resistance is a friend? If not, have a look.

AT LEAST, there is a loving recognition of the innocentness of this resistance;

Nice!

from its point of view, it is trying to “protect” me, and give me peace – it just does not work at all!

If it is not helping, is there a need to keep resisting?

You are most welcome.

Keep writing every day!

Sending love.

Friedrich

12/21/13

"Hmm, I wonder, what else can be accepted" – I like that question – What drives me most crazy is the fact that, if I could push a button and all the resistance would be gone; I WOULD! The "problem" (or maybe a blessing in disguise) is: it DOESN'T matter if I would rather give up resisting or not: it is still there! It doesn't care about my vote! It feels like I have absolutely no say in this! I'm feeling like the endless punished or "tested" puppet! Don't I have already enough by being paralyzed, and having to lay in bed?!! Do I really have to deal with all this resistance ALSO?!!!

Is THIS what this character's life IS all about?!! Completely and totally senseless and useless struggle/"working" on giving up resistance WITHOUT succeeding?!! HOW ABSOLUTELY POINTLESS!!!

"UNFAIR" comes to my mind!! While other people are having fun – this character is utterly hopelessly struggling to just giving up resisting!! This predicament is so utterly pointless – it almost would make me laugh! (No wonder people came up with karma = working up past life's sin! LOL!)

It's reminds me the year and a half I participated in ayahuasca sessions – almost every 15 days – I asked for unconditional love to be shown – I got: unconditional hell! Interesting enough, each following session, there was absolutely NO effect of the ayahuasca! Not a slightest physiological OR psychological alteration! Like if I would have drunk a strong tea – it didn't even matter HOW MUCH I drunk! But the following time – oh boy oh boy! NEVER saw something – just felt HORRIBLE guilt and despair, for almost 2 hours – then it faded slowly away (but, as I see it now, with NO actually dissolving of those patterns)

Can you see that resistance is a friend? If not, have a look. 

No – I can't! I see it rather as something that is standing in the way (quite pointless and useless, may I say) to my peace and happiness! I rather feel like a completely senseless and unfairly, cruelly punished victim!!

What is behind resistance? I have no clue – and this is another point that drives me crazy! You are asking me on and on what is BEHIND! And, all that comes up is: NOTHING! (It's not nothing as no thing – just don't see anything)

If it is not helping, is there a need to keep resisting? No – but the "problem" is: it is NOT something I am doing – it's something that is just HAPPENING – like the weather!

Well there ever be an end to this??!!! While I can truly see that resistance HAS lessened regarding a lot of issues, there simply seems to be AN NEVER ENDING SUPPLY! It's almost like the Pandora box!

Thank you for reading and letting me pouring out!

Ilona 

12/22/13

"UNFAIR" comes to my mind!! While other people are having fun – this character is utterly hopelessly struggling to just giving up resisting!! This predicament is so utterly pointless – it almost would make me laugh! (No wonder people came up with karma = working up past life's sin! LOL!)

That is only unfair if you are the character. But, are you? 

See, love has many forms and shapes. It is not just happy joyful expanded feeling, it is also the deepest, darkest, most horrible hole. It is everything. The intensity of feeling (whatever is being felt) is intensity of love.  

Love burns through all conditioning. If it is showing up as darkness, that too is love, in disguise...  It too is a gift. 

Unconditional love is unbound, it's what is being felt. No conditions. 

The love that you seek is your own love for yourself. 

Love is not what you think. It's what you feel. Including 1000s of it's shapes and forms.  In the end it's about loving what is.  The relationship with what is= love manifesting. If you are saying no to reality, love is feeling like resistance. Can you see what I'm saying? 

Heart wants to love, freely and openly. 

Mind is guarding it form being hurt. Mind is protecting the heart. The conflict is that mind sets conditions. Trying to fit love into what is acceptable and what is not. 

What is behind resistance? I have no clue – and this is another point that drives me crazy! You are asking me on and on what is BEHIND! And, all that comes up is: NOTHING! (It's not nothing as no thing – just don't see anything)

Yes!! Nothing. Nothing at all. Good that you see that! It's not the absence of answer. It is the answer. There is nothing there. At all. 

How does that make you feel? 

If it is not helping, is there a need to keep resisting? No – but the "problem" is: it is NOT something I am doing – it's something that is just HAPPENING – like the weather!

The pattern is there till it isn't. 

Well there ever be an end to this??!!! While I can truly see that resistance HAS lessened regarding a lot of issues, there simply seems to be AN NEVER ENDING SUPPLY! It's almost like the Pandora box!

Once the hole in the system is punctured, there is a collapsing time and cleanup time. So be patient and notice, that there is something happening.. And no control over it. So just watch it unfold. Enjoy the ride. 

Sending love. 

Friedrich 

12/22/13

That is only unfair if you are the character. But, are you? 

At times, there is less identification with a character, and at other times, there is more – if the wind machine is relatively quiet or peaceful, it is easier to just "watch it" – at all times, rather full identification is going on 

what if you are not able to see hell as a gift? Is it still a gift? To whom?

Unconditional love is unbound, it's what is being felt. No conditions. If "unconditional love" would be present; wouldn't that be the end of hell and suffering?!!

The love that you seek is your own love for yourself. Sounds true. THE question is: HOW to see that?!

Love is not what you think. It's what you feel. Including 1000s of it's shapes and forms.  In the end it's about loving what is.  Yeah: I know: Byron Katie – that's just so that she hated her life and everything else, with all her heart, until awakening happened, and she was gone! After that: yes: she had to go through feelings of intense guilt and shame and so on – the two doesn't?! It's rather easy to "love what is" when you play in the sunshine! The relationship with what is= love manifesting. If you are saying no to reality, love is feeling like resistance. Can you see what I'm saying? Yes, I CAN see what you are saying – and like I wrote above: who wouldn't "love what is" if, you are, playing in the sunshine, or at least your mind patterns/psychological patterns are not causing you any major troubles! But what when you have been living in hell 40 years! – Except for a few days of sunshine, and then you think "oh my goodness! I think something REALLY shifted finally for the better!" Just to be back in hell, a few days later – honestly, this is one of THE cruelest way of having to "live"!! Talk about THE perfect torture!

Heart wants to love, freely and openly. 

Mind is guarding it form being hurt. Mind is protecting the heart. The conflict is that mind sets conditions. Trying to fit love into what is acceptable and what is not. So, are you saying that I better prepare myself to leave for the rest of my life living in hell, and LOVING it?!! If that is all that is possible, I would rather take myself out of the game!

Can you see that resistance is a friend? If not, have a look. 

No – I can't! I see it rather as something that is standing in the way (quite pointless and useless, may I say) to my peace and happiness! I rather feel like a completely senseless and unfairly, cruelly punished victim!!

Yes!! Nothing. Nothing at all. Good that you see that! It's not the absence of answer. It is the answer. There is nothing there. At all. No: I didn't mean that – I meant: resistance IS ALL THAT IS! RESISTANCE IS IT! IT'S ALL THERE IS TO LIFE! (At least, to this one). Resistance is what life is. Period.

How does that make you feel? Unbearable! It makes me want to kill myself!

The pattern is there till it isn't. Yeah, and probably it is meant NOT to change – so what's the point?!

Once the hole in the system is punctured, there is a collapsing time and cleanup time. So be patient and notice, that there is something happening.. And no control over it. So just watch it unfold. Enjoy the ride. Ilona: "notice, that there is something happening" – THIS is precisely the most excruciating pain causing point! Seems YEARS I'm doing one kind of another "consciousness work" – and while there HAVE been SOME, maybe, "minor" shifts for the better, as you can see from my writing, the entire structure is still mostly excruciatingly painful – like my mom said a few days ago: "more patient?!" "Sorry", but are not enjoying the ride! Actually, I HATE it to the buttom! And besides all my best efforts, countless money and courses and books, I'm still hating it! – Maybe even more, because, nothing has really worked! This whole "life thing" rather feels like a HUGE & GIGANTIC FRAUD! Like a very very bad and mean and evil commercial for "an adventure park", full of fun and love and laughter, and when you get there, it's THE house of terror!

Life = THE most cruel thing!

Sending love. Is this real love, or love disguised?!

Ilona

12/23/13

Hi Friedrich. 

I sense a lot of anger in you last email. Resistance is what life is? No, man.. Resistance is what arises in life as part of life when we say no to what is happening.   Either you say yes or no, life goes on as it did. The difference is how we feel about it. You can hate or love, it's still happening. The only way out is through surrender. 

Can I ask you, what is your motive for this investigation? To fix something that is not working or to see the truth no matter what? 

Are you looking for freedom from unwanted feelings? If so, it's not how it works.  The freedom is to experience all, good, bad and the ugly, without judgement that it's wrong. The key is to realise, that shoulds and shouldn'ts are what makes the view distorted. 

Unconditional love knows no conditions and it will break through, burn through all limitations. 

Write to me what you expect that should be happening, what do you want to happen. What do you expect that should change. 

Sending love. 

Friedrich

12/23/13

I sense a lot of anger in you last email. Resistance is what life is? No, man.. Resistance is what arises in life as part of life when we say no to what is happening.   Either you say yes or no, life goes on as it did. The difference is how we feel about it. You can hate or love, it's still happening. The only way out is through surrender. And, what's adding even more frustration is, at least in my experience, it DOESN'T matter if I say yes or no – life keeps on being exactly the same! IN A WAY, even saying yes to whatever appears to happen, comes out of a wish of "things to easen" – to cool down, at least as far as possible, the heat – since late 99, I have come to see that only through unconditional love can suffer end – but no success regarding being able to unconditionally love – it only adds more anger and frustration to what already is! – So, then, can I at least let go of trying to unconditionally love?! No – not a chance! Can I, at least, just let go of the whole thing to add any layers to it through thinking? No – not a chance! It all seems to happen "automatically", even trying to accept or plainly reject.

Can I ask you, what is your motive for this investigation? To fix something that is not working or to see the truth no matter what? "Truth" seems to be a too fancy word – I do want peace and serenity, no matter what – to be at ease, no matter what.

Are you looking for freedom from unwanted feelings? Yes! This is exactly what I want! If so, it's not how it works.  The freedom is to experience all, good, bad and the ugly, without judgement that it's wrong. The key is to realise, that shoulds and shouldn'ts are what makes the view distorted. Well then, what's the point in investigating?! So the anger is okay, the hatred is okay, the crippleness is okay, the hell is okay – so, why do this investigation? Oh! Okay! This investigation is also just what is happening, and it doesn't have to lead to liberation, or whatever we want to call it! It doesn't matter what we do or not to; except when it does, and something APPEARS to change "because" of what APPARENTLY has been done or not – but that's just another story!

Unconditional love knows no conditions and it will break through, burn through all limitations. You see? There you put the carrot again right in front of me! So then, I TRULY WANT, WITH ALL MY HEART, unconditional love! Because, if there is ONE thing I want over all others, it is this: BREAK THROUGH ALL LIMITATIONS! – I mean: if I am able to love whatever is, there CAN'T be ANY suffering at all!

Write to me what you expect that should be happening, what do you want to happen. What do you expect that should change. What I WANT to happen is: a truly opening to unconditional love! What I don't want from happening: to keep all this hatred and fear and anger to keep going on! – I want the misery to end! Once and for all! I'm working on this now for over 14 years! It's about time!

Thank you, Ilona

And, Ilona, I experience those “going down into hell” about each two weeks …  rather periodically – they are always VERY intense, like in “I CAN’T handle this anymore! TAKE ME OUT, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!” – I NEVER EVER sensed that, no matter what I did, even if it just was “watching” the whole scenery unfolding, did it help the nightmare pass – it all seems to pass by itself –

Ilona

12/23/13

Yes, dear Friedrich, it comes up and passes all by itself.  Buddhist have a good mantra- this too shall pass and that is useful sometimes... 

Peace is always here, underneath all thinking. Suffering is story, made up of thoughts of what should be different. Can you notice that? 

Have a look, is physical pain and suffering same? 

What is in the way of feeling love now? 

Friedrich

12/23/13

Buddhist have a good mantra- this too shall pass and that is useful sometimes... Yes; some thing passes, and some not – hopefully, with death, everything has passed –

Peace is always here, underneath all thinking. Suffering is story, made up of thoughts of what should be different. Can you notice that? Yes; peace is always here – it's just so that, very often, identification with thoughts happens to be so strong, that nothing else seems possible/to be here –

Have a look, is physical pain and suffering same? No – I most often sensing physical pain, and it doesn't bother me, hence, no suffering! Suffering = Story

What is in the way of feeling love now? Thinking – And Physical Noise! I know that that is a lie also, but I have no clue about HOW to feel love despite of physical noise!

Thank you, Ilona

Ilona

12/23/13

YES! Suffering is a story about suffering. And that story is believed, so it creates self feeding loops to strengthen story and triggers feeling. 

We can have a session of deep looking if you like. It seems to help to get to the root of resistance mechanisms and release old patterns. It takes around an hour or more. 

Friedrich 

12/24/13

Yes, I would love that!

Ilona

12/28/13

Sorry for disappearance, all the Christmas thing got in a way of my correspondences. 

We can have a session, but not today, as we have guests coming. Tomorrow would be perfect. Let me know what are good times for you. You will need an hour or two of undisturbed time. Do you know how to use google chat? Or FB chat is ok too. 

Warm regards. 

Friedrich

12/28/13

Did Santa take you for a ride?! LOL! – It's all good

We can have a session, but not today, as we have guests coming. Tomorrow would be perfect. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some time after the Deep Looking session

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friedrich

Jan 7

Hi Ilona!

I’m doing fine! Thank you for asking!

I had my, so far, “usual” weekend visit to hell, but the coming-out of it was quickly and rather easy, and the opening to more of what is, is even bigger!

How does it get any better than this!

Since the session review, it seems way easier to be clear that thoughts showing up are just that: thoughts showing up; like “crazy” ghosts, flirting or my attention – it has become easier and easier to just watch them, and recognize that they are just “what is showing up”, but there is no need to “hold them for the truth” – there is no need to “follow them, and believe them”!

Thank You!

All the Truly Best To You!

Me

Ilona

Jan 8 

That is so great to hear! Looks like the door to acceptance has been opened. Yes, intense emotions come up, but pass quickly, this too is my experience. They don't stick for long and are welcomed to pass through.

Awesome. Now we can carry on looking, is I thought any different? Is there something in experience, that I thought points to?

Sending love

Friedrich 

Jan 8

I wouldn't speak of an "I", but rather of an "Isness"/ Present, and "I" is just used to refer to it –

Thank you for your love! I'm happy that you are love!

Thank You!

Oh, I noticed that I resent it almost everyone and everything, also a HUGE amount of envy! "Unfairness"! So, I started just to wish and imagine all those people I presented to be truly truly happy in the way THEY most likely would wish it! It has been and is a truly amazing, heart opening experience! To say the least!

Thank you for knowing me!

Ilona 

Jan 9 

Oh, I noticed that I resent it almost everyone and everything, also a HUGE amount of envy! "Unfairness"! So, I started just to wish and imagine all those people I presented to be truly truly happy in the way THEY most likely would wish it! It has been and is a truly amazing, heart opening experience! To say the least!

Wow, that is quite a turn around, isn't it. 

Can you say that it's clear, that separate entity I is an illusion? 

Is presence the doer and thinker? 

Is there doer and thinker, decision maker? 

How would you answer that?  

Sending love :)

Friedrich

Jan 9

Can you say that it's clear, that separate entity I is an illusion? Yes; it just does APPEAR AS IF there is a separate entity!

Is presence the doer and thinker? Thinking and doing, again, just happens –

Is there doer and thinker, decision maker? No – it all just happens, and as this "happening", an illusory "decision-maker" can also appear, but is seen, in the end, just as an appearance (very convincing though)

Ilona

Jan 13

Can you say that you are ready for the final questions or there is still something we can look at before you are comfortable to say big yes? 

Friedrich

Jan 13 

LOL! – If I WOULD know what this “final question” is, I would be able to answer your question about me being ready, with “absolute” certainty – BUT, I’m sure ready for whatever questions you have for me – is that okay with you?

Sending Love Also! – And Fun!

Ilona 

Jan 13

Haha, sweet! Here they are :)

Please answer in full, when ready, what feels true. 

Much love. Have fun with this. :)

Friedrich 

Jan 13

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

There are clouds on the sky, and, at some time "back", the sky seemed to identify itself with one of those clouds, and, may I say, and ever changing cloud – now it is seen, that there is only sky, with clouds (thoughts, ideas, emotions, sensations, smells, tastes, etc.) appearing, out of nowhere, and disappearing, Inc. to nowhere –

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now. 

When it starts – no idea! Supposedly, at the age of 2 to 3 years, but no memory of this our present – what is it? The way it is seen here is that, for whatever "reason", awareness (the sky) attach and identifies itself to/with and I thought, together with a bunch of other thoughts (gender, family, nation, body, skills, "defects" LOL etc.) and, somehow, convinces itself that it is all those "attributes" – it's like taking on a role, and so fully identifying itself with that role, that it really is able to convince itself that it is this character, while completely forgetting that old this are just brilliant and awesome "appearances" – this character, often times also tends to identify itself with other appearances, like houses, cars, tech toys, etc., with its WHATEVER objects or appearing in this awareness – there are even "funny" cases where awareness identifies itself with multiple personalities, schizophrenics, etc.

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

It actually feels very light and joyful – before I could more clearly see this, there was an intellectual understanding, but the identification with all the stuff going on was still very strong – now it has lessened, although, at times, there still is a little tendency to identify with "heavy" stuff going on, but it is rather quickly seen as just "ghosts" – there is also a tendency to being able to enjoy more WHATEVER is going on, even the before judged "harsh" events/circumstances – laughter and a joyful playing attitude is more present

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look? 

Funny enough, it was actually (last Sunday) a Skype "clearing session" with a non-duality teacher – the funny thing was that I was "letting it rip", venting all my venom, and he wanted to guide me to see, but, for whatever reasons, I just felt it "right" to put it all out! After that, it was clearly seen that this was just a storm in a water glass – so what!

5) Do you decide, intend, choose, control events in Life? Do you make anything happen? Give examples from your experience.

The way it is seen is that there still, at times, is a "pushing" towards certain things getting done, so "I" just go with that, while at the same time being clearer and clearer that this is just a "movement", nothing personal – "I" observe that I have become more thoughtful, honest, out speaking, while at the same time more accepting and loving what is – hence, other characters may judge me as more self assertive, more powerful, more going for what "I" want – but actually, it's all just unhindered movement – so, yes, it may appear that "I" would "control" more, but in fact, it's all just movements, completely appearing by itself, out of nowhere, and disappearing into nowhere –

6) Anything to add?

In other interesting thing is that there seems to be a greater certainty that this body actually WILL walk again, like an inner "knowing", as well as the openness for those things the character wanted so badly before, may very likely appear! BUT, there is almost no attachment to them – it's more like "mhh – who knows! That may actually be fun! Why not?! And if not, fun and joy and laughter is anyway present!" – Feels like freedom –!

Much Appreciation! – Especially, for "believing in me" – for holding The Truth up for me!

And YES! I had fun with this!

Ilona

Jan 14 

Hi Friedrich, 

Thank you for answers.. I can see that there is more lightness, something changed, sweet. :)

But......

More to look. Is it awareness that identifies? What is awareness? What does it do? Are you awareness? (It is common to assume the position of 'I am awareness' but it is not clear seeing) 

Your answer to question one is not direct, can you try again plz, without metaphors. 

What is I that goes with movement? Is there a choice to go with movement of life or not? 

Are there separate selves in other characters? How these other characters are experienced in actuality? 

I see you are very close! Keep going further!

Sending love. 

Friedrich 

Jan 14

 no – it is the awareness that identifies – awareness IS – awareness is noticing – no: I am not – awareness is (NO "I am awareness")

Your answer to question one is not direct, can you try again plz, without metaphors. Ooooo ... and I thought I had a poetic inspiration! LOL!

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever? No: there just appeared to be one – the belief ones was; but it only was a belief, appearing, to no one, in awareness

What is I that goes with movement? Is there a choice to go with movement of life or not? Movement also just is – there can also be resistance to movement, or just noticing movement – there can be another thought popping up of "just letting it be", a sudden thought that "resisting hurts, letting it be = peaceful/joyful, and this is also just noticed, by no one

Are there separate selves in other characters? How these other characters are experienced in actuality? No: "they" are also just appearances, movements, playing out – apparent interactions happen spontaneously – it's all just noticing, by no one

I see you are very close! Keep going further! Who is seeing who to be very close?! LOL!

Love!

Ilona 

Jan 17

Mmm, delightful! Very clear answers. 

Yeah, there is no WHO. :)

Resistance to movement is the movement, that arises and passes, just like everything else. Movement of thought is included. 

How are you feeling these days? Any doubt? Anything different? If you look back at the start of this conversation, what is most noticeable change? What hasn't changed, that you expected it would? 

Sending a hug. 

:)))

Friedrich 

Jan 17 

Thank you Ilona!

Well, I'm feeling pretty much at ease, most of the time, even joyful, for no reason, Much More Relaxed About Everything, even the so-called "future" (what will be will be), Much More Accepting Of What Is, Included So-Called "Others", and if there isn't accepting, that's okay also, because it is seen that this is also just a passing thought/emotion – less importance, except there is importance (LOL), which just is accepted also – more "alertness"/"sharpness" = presence, except when there isn't, which is okay also – no; no doubts at all ("strange"; I didn't even notice this, until you brought it up) – the most noticeable change? For sure, the much more relaxed attitude towards life in general, "my own personality" (LOL)/way of being of this character" – much more joy, without any reason/much less worrying – interesting enough: it has also become much easier to "speak "my" mind", to say no, as well as "yes", which makes life, of course, much easier – it is more a "surfing" life's waves, instead of fighting them and resisting them – more "trust" in the "goodness" of life – what hasn't changed? Still what is perceived as annoying noises (dog barking, children shouting, loud music (except my own, LOL) is arising strong anger, with felt painful body reaction, and still no genius, LOL, and the girls are not waiting in line for me (just kidding!) – Oh! And No Official Diploma, that "I" am now a Officially Certified Enlightened Being, and that everybody, and life in general, would treat me like that! (Not even animals seems to notice this – too bad! LOL!)

Of course, years back I had all kinds of fantasies about "waking up/enlightenment", or whatever we want to call it – by the years, I have become to learn that it hasn't to do anything with those fantasies at all – so, in a way, I could even say that "nothing has changed", while in another way "everything has changed" – "strange", and at the same time, "not strange" – I know that you understand – oh damn! I still have to pay taxes!!! So, this proves that I'm not enlightened yet! I need to work harder! LOL! LOL!

So, thank you Ilona – you did a magnificent job! Or should I say, "life, through the appearance of you, did a magnificent job?! LOL!

Hugging you right back, with a warm, thankful hug!

Me

Ilona 

Jan 17

I had tears of joy in my eyes reading this. What a journey! I'm truly delighted to hear the laughter! I LOL-ing with you! 

Joy for no reason- that describes it, being, seeing, feeling love. 

Welcome home, Friedrich. 

..........................

How do you feel about me putting our conversation (or parts of it) on my blog, your story is beautiful, there was so much fighting and the shift to peace. I'm sure many people would enjoy reading it. 

I can use whatever name you prefer and take any details out, if you wish. 

Thanks for the hug!

Much love. 

Friedrich

Jan 17 

I had tears of joy in my eyes reading this. May I gently dry them ... ? What a journey! I'm truly delighted to hear the laughter! I LOL-ing with you! 

Joy for no reason- that describes it, being, seeing, feeling love. 

Welcome home, friedrich. Thank You, Ilona – yes; for sure, it has been "quite a journey"! And then; has it really? LOL!

..........................

How do you feel about me putting our conversation (or parts of it) on my blog, your story is beautiful, there was so much fighting and the shift to peace. I'm sure many people would enjoy reading it. Feelings of joy arise – so yes! Please go ahead! And, it's okay to use "my" name – nothing to hide –

Thanks for the hug! Hugging you again! "Love, love, love" (The Beatles)

Much love. 

Friedrich

Ah ... do you remember, Ilona, during our session on Google, the situation with my daddy? Well, I guess it was two or three days later, I actually called my daddy and told him how much I loved him, and his reaction was very "touched" – like, maybe, surprised, or uncomfortable – and he said "I love you too" – it was very touching for me also, VERY important to have been able to let him know that (again), and I felt very joyful during and after that! So, I'm so thankful that that came up in our session, and that it opened up so beautifully!

I just thought that you would may like to know that!

Ilona

That is wonderful! I'm very happy about this, heart opening...