Wednesday 13 June 2012

An Email from Penny




Hi Ilona thank you for getting back to me. I read about some changes on your website - I wondered what that would mean, so a big thank you for sticking with me. I hope this shift will be full of joy.

I'm really happy to have these questions because I sense there has been a huge shift in being. I've read people talking about shedding and I feel that's what's going on. It's like more and more is being revealed as being not real, it's like a constant eyes opening experience!

1. Is there a 'me', at all, anywhere, in any way shape of form? Was there ever?

No, there is no 'me'. This is actually hilarious and a bit of a "mind-f***" during the process but clearly there is no such entity, at all, anywhere, in any shape or form. There was never a me!

There is no separate self/me at all. There is a body, known as Penny, which has senses - sight, hearing, taste, feeling, smell. However, the idea of separateness of "penny" from the experience of living is an illusion, a story. It's like that line in the John Lennon song Beautiful Boy " life is what happens while you're busy making other plans". "Penny" has been acting out various parts or roles in her life, like she had a persona or role of headteacher for a while. In that role she behaved in a certain way and made certain decisions. She did this with her mind which is able to think and reason. In this mind there is a memory. When this mind accesses the memory certain feelings arise - happiness, sadness etc. Thoughts also arise. Other people too have an idea od who "Penny" is - all different!! But while all this role stuff is happening, Penny's body was going right on with living and feeling. This is the immensely powerful thing - there is nothing to look for, it's here already!!

So separate self does not exist. It never existed. What there was was parents telling me how to behave and what to do. Good behaviour - bad behaviour, rewards, punishments, learning how to operate with other people. This created a sense of self. An illusion of separateness, if the "I-ness" of Penny as distinct from other beings. Then school - aspirations, logic, deferred gratification, expectations, achievement, culture, art, artifice. All this serves to create the illusion of a separate self, a "civilised" being who can control what happens. This is not real!

2 explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works.

Initially parents. We love to label! With a very new baby we might talk about temperament, characteristics - "she's happy /contented/fiery" etc etc. But very quickly that becomes a story! My mum, until she died, believed I didn't like strawberries. Maybe I spat a strawberry out when I was two or three. It was probably an expensive strawberry or a special occasion like a birthday party so she labelled me as her daughter who "doesn't like strawberries".  I used to have this profound sense of separateness from my mum because she labelled me so much "you're so clever, so this, so that, blah blah blah but you're really bad at washing up, and you don't like strawberries which are the most delicious fruits in the world so you're very odd really, because I wash up very well and I love strawberries". So you could have alienation from parents or you could have profound egocentricity because they've told you you're so wonderful - or you could have a bit of both!

Whatever you have it's an illusion because in fact there is no separate "you" at all. The whole thing is just a story, first of all in other people's minds and then IN YOUR OWN MIND. Then of course you go to school/uni - more labelling, more stories. More layers of a self being built up. Then you get a job and you are really in a mess. Now you are really acting out big time!  I used to think "this Headteacher person isn't really me" but I failed to see that in fact there was no me!! Husbands can be interesting "This is who you are/this is how I need you to be/I'd like you to be more like this and less like that/ try harder"!!  Your own  children develop their own story and sense of self and it starts all over again!!  My little grandchildren are still pretty real - you can spend hours just being, looking at beetles with little grandchildren - but already the stories are emerging. One already says "I  can only go to sleep if you blah blah blah". Oh dear :-((

3  How does it feel to see this?

Amazing! Things are happening - love is happening, openness is happening. Just contentment with what is, freedom from anxiety, expansion.A feeling of intuition, of being drawn.  A desire to be with some people (but not others!!).

4 How  would you describe it to somebody who has never heard about this illusion?

I  think I would have to take them through logical  steps.  Because any description is going to be so subjective. Perhaps I could say "it's like everything you've believed isn't there anymore, you believed in yourself as a separate person but what is a belief? Can you touch/see/hear a belief?".  So "you" as an entity is an entirely an illusion, a story which has been made up by other people and also by you.So you're free - not because you can be what you want but because there is no separate "you" -  everything is free, freedom is just there!

5 what was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

Ironically, you not writing to me!  I got very impatient, then depressed and then I just realised the ridiculousness of me waiting to hear from you. I thought, "I know the answer"!! It is what it is, the answer is there!  And me wanting to hear from you is the last vestige of my "self" wanting someone else to tell me something.  Ha!

Thank you so much for guiding me, Ilona, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I know you'll let me know if there's still bits of "me" you can discern!

Penny

xxxxxxxxxx

Sunday 3 June 2012

Looking Inside With N.


I have been working with people using this "Deep Looking" technique. It is talking to mind, heart and whatever comes up directly and listening to the answers as they come up. Being kind and showing appreciation to whatever comes up allows a deep release and expansion followed by re-connection of broken links and deep peace. Here is my conversation with N. He was skeptical and open at the same time. It was amazing what came up to the surface. Hope this is can be useful for you in looking inside by yourself.
A lot can be released if you only listen to what your mind and heart is trying to say. 

I:
i'm here is you here..

N:
yes
howdy!

I:
cool. i'm great. you?

N:
I'm feeling good, been watching some SIG retreat stuff. I came across when I first posted on LU.

I:
are you ready to start?

N:
yes

I:
ok, good. what you do is ask questions that i suggest and listen to answers, then write them to me.
ask your mind, literally: mind, are you at peace.

N:
okay, lets do it.
the first question is no.

I:
ok good. thank the mind and ask it if it would like to relax more.

N:
yes and tears.

I:
oh... give the mind a hug and a kiss.
tell it that you appreciate it very much.

N:
that calmed it down, breathing spiked for a brief moment in that sadness.

I:
Ok, ask the mind if it's ready to relax.

N:
there’s tension in the head, faint no.

I:
Ok, thank your mind. Ask it what does it want so it can relax

N:
the mind wants resolution.
throat is tense.

I:
Beautiful. Tell the mind that you are very grateful and that this desire is very welcome.
It's ok, let whatever comes up be welcome.
Ask the mind if it's ready for resolution.

N:
the mind says yes.

I:
Beautiful. Ask it if it's ready now.

N:
it says it doesn't know what to do.

I:
It's ok, tell it it's safe not to know.
Ask it what it wants to resolve.

N:
its asking if its still going to be here after the resolve.

I:
Of course! Tell it that you appreciate it very much and that it's not going anywhere. You love it and want it to keep working for you.

N:
it said okay and an image of a smile happened.

I:
Smile to the mind and give it a kiss.
Tell it now that it's safe to resolve and ask what does it want to resolve.

N:
there’s nothing there.
just fan blowing

I:
Ok, great. Ask it now if it's ready to relax more.

N:
it says yes i would like to.

I:
Beautiful. Ask it of its ready now.

N:
resistance.
its saying, you can't make me.

I:
Great! This is good. Welcome the resistance.
Tell it, thank you for showing up.
Ask the resistance what it is protecting.

N:
its protecting itself.

I:
Thank the resistance for doing such beautiful job.
Say to it how much you appreciate it working for you. Give it a hug.
Ask the resistance what is it protecting itself from.

N:
hate.
hating others.

I:
Oh, say to resistance, sorry, it's a misunderstanding. You are my friend.

N:
it doesn't want to hate others.
and tears welled up

I:
It's ok. Ask the resistance if it would like to love others instead.

N:
it says yes.

I:
Give the resistance a kiss.
Beautiful. Let's talk to the heart now.

N:
okay.

I:
Ask the heart if it can accept the resistance as a friend.

N:
it says yes!
of course.

I:
Gorgeous.
Ok, ask the mind now if it accepts resistance as a friend.

N:
it says yes i love resistance.
and its asking if that’s normal.
haha.

I:
Beautiful. Thank the mind, the heart and the resistance.
Say that yes, it's normal.
Ask the mind if it can see that resistance is love.

N:
yes i can

I:
It is working to protect the innocence.

N:
its only trying to protect.

I:
Yes.

N:
something curious
about my past

I:
Good. What is coming up?

N:
its curious in depression right now, depression isn't coming up

I:
Good stuff. Let's move on. Ask if mind is ready now to relax more.

N:
but more so about the mood swings
okay.
yes
heart moving up.
that was a sensation that was felt

I:
Great! So feel the opening, take a deep breath in and let whatever feeling is here to pass freely. Feel it fully.
Release. And then more. And more.

N:
there is blankness and one tear out of the right eye is happening.

I:
Nice. Let it all out. Feel it. Feel it fully

N:
i don't know if i can feel it fully is what its saying.

I:
No need for words. Focus on sensation in the body.

N:
small prickling on the scalp

I:
Thank the mind. Hive it a huge hug.
And a smile.

N:
mm!

I:
Cool, ask the heart to show how much it loves the mind.

N:
expansion is happening.

I:
Awesome.
Thank the heart and ask it if it's ready to expand even more.

N:
no.
no. no. no.

I:
Ask it what is in the way.

N:
hurt, abandonment.

I:
Of course! Thank it for bringing this up and give it a warm long hug.

N:
and then i get the image of me when i was younger.
tears at the image.

I:
Tell the mind that it's safe to feel.
Ask the feeling from the past to come closer.

N:
its showing me as a little child, I was at yosemite and I was in a convenient store. My parents couldn't be found. I thought they left me
so I started crying.
tears welling up again.
I hated that feeling, being disconnected

I:
Oh... Say how much you are sorry about that.
Give it a kiss like you would to that small child
Tell the heart that you love it very much.

N:
a smile.
it says it loves me back.

I:
Beautiful. Ask the heart if it's ready to release this hurt.

N:
yes.
it wants to.

I:
Is it ready now?

N:
yes.

I:
Great. Feel it open and take deep breath. Let the feeling come up and feel it. See it pass.
Release all, then more and then even more.
Feel the feeling fully. Don't interrupt. All it wants is to leave.

N:
i got the image of a flower blooming.
and safe

I:
Beautiful. Thank you heart. Bow to it with honour.
Ask the mind if it's ready to relax more.

N:
its saying yes.

I:
Gorgeous. Thank the mind, give it a smile and ask if it's ready to go down to the heart.

N:
it says it wants to but no.

I:
Ok, that's fine, tell it that. Ask it if it knows that it's home is at the heart.

N:
it said it didn't know that.
no one told it that.

I:
Ask it to check if it's true.

N:
it's not sure, it doesn't know how to go about checking, it just always assumed it had its job to do and the heart had its job to do.

I:
Yes, of course. Tell it that it can do its job perfectly while feeling at one with the heart.

N:
it says it makes sense though, because some of the best decisions have been made when it and the heart work together.

I:
Yes! Tell it it's great observation. And thank it.
Ask the heart if it accepts the mind fully and loves it with no limits.
Unconditionally.

N:
the image of the flower is still blooming
no feeling of resistance

I:
Beautiful. Now ask the mind if it made a decision, would it like to feel at home.

N:
it absolutely wants to feel at home with the heart.
it wants the marriage.
it says its actually longed for it.

I:
Beautiful!! Give both the heart and the mind a kiss
Ask the mind and the heart if they are both ready.

N:
they both say yes.

I:
Awesome!
Ask if they are ready now.

N:
yes and i got a quick glimpse of holding hands.

I:
Great. Now switch of the computer, just sit quietly , breath, and feel it joining, keep sending hugs and appreciation to both and just feel it for like 20 min. Let it happen.

N:
i told them they make a good couple.
kk

I:
I'll be here when you come back. Feel whatever comes openly with love.
See you in a bit!

N:
okie thanks be back!

N:
the first feeling that comes to mind is a very still calmness.


I:
Beautiful.
This was very moving for me too, I had tears too and deep appreciation for you showing me this.

I:
Thank you.
How you feeling, enough work or there is something else that came up.

N:
thank you Ilona, i bow to you. I needed that I I see now that just because you know that everything is self abiding, that there can still be feelings of separation at the same time
hmm. at the time there was a small movement but I welcomed it and it passed.
I don't even remember what it was anymore.

I:
Nice. Now you know what to do when mind or heart feels alone. Show them love and remind of each other.
Be very kind to both. They are here for you. All is one feeling of love.

N:
oh that's what it was, in my experience of 20 minutes, I had the image of a little child coming back to its parents
and being loved by both.
thank you!

I:
big smile!
Great work.

N:
I have so much gratitude and appreciation for your work, and thank you.

I:
Can we share this in unleashed? I think it can be very helpful for someone else.

N:
yes, I give you my permission to do so.

I:
Oh, could I put it on my blog? I can use just N if you like.

N:
of course, do whatever feels right.

I:
Thank you!