Deep Looking Session With D

D
Dear Ilona,

I have read your post on Deep Looking, and have tried it a bit with myself.  It does seem that it would be far more effective doing with someone who is familiar with going more deeply into issues.  Can you give me information on booking a session with you?

I have been in a very "stuck" place for 2-3 years now, and would love some help to see what emotional issues keep holding me down.  I have spent many years (35+) dedicated to a spiritual path, and have come to a place where I feel utterly lost, discouraged, and have fallen into depression and despair.   I have been working with Sunil as my guide at LU for the past few weeks, and he sent me a link to your Deep Looking post ... I am hoping that this could help me to unblock whatever is holding me back from truly seeing and accepting the truth.
Thank you so much for your amazing work, I am truly grateful.

Ilona
Hi D.

Thank you for email. Yes we can have a session. It usually takes an hour or more and it is best to be undisturbed. Where are you on the map? I'm uk. What is normally best time for you?
Looking forward to hear from you.


-------------------------------------------
D
Hi Ilona,
I am ready whenever you are :)

Ilona
Hi D :)

D
Hi

Ilona
How are you today?

D
Honestly - a bit down

Ilona
Are you ready to start or need a bit more time to make yourself comfortable?

D
I am totally ready to start
Are you?

Ilona
Yes.
Ok, take 3 deep breaths and relax.

D
Great :) Thank you so much for your generosity of heart

Ilona
Ask your mind, literally, mind, are you at peace? Wait for answer and bring it to me.

D
No, it is not

Ilona
Thank your mind for answer.
Tell it that you love it very much

D
OK. Tears are coming ...

Ilona
Then ask if it wants to relax.

D
Yes it does
It is very tired of struggling

Ilona
Good, thank it again and ask it if its ready to relax

D
No it is not ready to relax - it is very worried.

Ilona
That's ok. Just sit with this feeling. Ask the mind what does it want the most.

D
It wants to know how to take care of me and is worried that it doesn't know how

Ilona
Ask what is behind that

D
Feeling helpless

Ilona
Welcome this feeling.
Say thank you, helplessness, for coming.
Ask it what is it protecting.

D
Me from getting hurt

Ilona
Ok, thank it for answer.
Ask it what is it that can hurt and how.

D
Someone will hurt me (it's not rational here), many tears.

Ilona
Ask the mind if it still needs to do this- protect.

D
Yes it says it does, that is its job.

Ilona
Good. Thank it very much for doing great job.
Ask the mind now to find this me, see what is there.

D
Seems to be like a small child or the phantom of one.

Ilona
Welcome the small child. Thank her for coming.
Giver her a hug and ask her, what is she afraid of.

D
That nobody loves her and she feels all alone and is afraid no one will take care of her.

Ilona
Oh dear... Give her a kiss and tell her how precious she is and how much you love her.
Hold her in your arms for a bit and smile to her.

D
Many tears, much grief ...

Ilona
It's ok. Let it all out. Keep honouring and hugging her.

D
OK, tears continue so much grief here always wanted to hear these words of love.

Ilona
Ask her if she wants to tell you anything.
Tell her it's safe to talk and you are listening.

D
She is afraid to ask for help because someone will hurt her

Ilona
Tell her that she got you to protect her. She is safe.

D
She doesn't believe me or trust me :(

Ilona
Ask her what can you do for her.
So she believes you.

D
She doesn't know
She doesn't know how to trust anyone

Ilona
Ask her what is in the way of trusting you now.

D
She can't think of anything

Ilona
Tell her that you trust her.

D
She wants to trust me

Ilona
Ask her who hurt her.

D
Her mommy - more tears
Her brother and her father too

Ilona
Give her a warm hug
Tell her that they no longer can hurt her.
Tell her that they did not want to hurt her.
And tell that you are so so sorry that she has been hurt.

D
She has just been holding in all this hurt for so many years afraid to tell anyone. She says her friends hurt her too.

Ilona
Tell her that she is safe and you are listening and love her very very much.

D
More tears, she wants to believe me

Ilona
Give her a kiss
Just sit with her for 5 min

D
OK

Ilona
No rush. Take your time, shower her with love.

D
She is relieved to be heard and have someone to talk to and feels calmer and quieter.

Ilona
Nice. Tell her that you will listen to her from now on.
Ask her if she is still scared.

D
Not as long as I am looking out for her and she doesn't have to feel all alone.

Ilona
Great!
Ask her if she wants to relax.

D
Yes, as long as I am watching out for her.

Ilona
Good. Ask her if she is ready to relax now.

D
Wavering between trusting me and letting guard down and feeling she has to watch out for herself
Not used to trusting anyone.

Ilona
Tell her that you understand and are sorry that she has to feel this way.
Tell her that she is most precious, beautiful girl.

D
More tears, wants so badly to be loved.

Ilona
Tell you are sorry for all this time that you did not connect with her.
And from now on you are her best friend.
Ask her if she can forgive you.

D
Many tears, she isn't mad at me, just afraid to trust and very wary.

Ilona
Tell her that you will come and talk to her later, that she can rest now.

D
OK

Ilona
Is she OK now?

D
Yes, much quieter.

Ilona
Nice.

D
She just really needed to be heard.

Ilona
Yes. So simple.

D
Yes :) Sweet.

Ilona
Now look inside and see if there is anyone else that wants to be heard. Ask to come forward.

D
My gut (how odd?!)

Ilona
Ok, welcome it. Ask what it wants to tell you.

D
It is afraid.

Ilona
Oh.. Tell it its safe and it can tell you what it is afraid of.

D
It is having trouble digesting.

Ilona
Is anything coming up?

D
It is not wanting to accept food it is very sad.

Ilona
Ok, tell it that you love it very much and ask what you could do for it.
What does it want the most?

D
It wants me not to be so tense as it cannot accept food or digest when I am so tense and unhappy. (Aside: I have been sick with diverticulitis for almost 2 weeks and have been unable to eat much solid food)

Ilona
Yes, when there is much tension it is not easy for the gut. Tell it you love it and don't want to hurt it.
Is there tension in the body right now?

D
Yes

Ilona
Welcome the tension now and let's speak to it.
Ask it what is it's job.

D
To protect me, stay vigilant.

Ilona
Yes. It is too part of protection mechanism.
Ask it what is it protecting at the moment.

D
It is afraid of dying.

Ilona
Ask it if it knows that it is hurting gut.

D
No it did not know that, not intentional.

Ilona
Ask it if it wants to leave and let the gut do its job.

D
Not sure, it is confused it thought it was helping.

Ilona
Well, tell it that its not helping like this.
Ask the body if tension is helping it.

D
Body says DEFINITELY not!

Ilona
Ok, thank the tension for its work and ask it if it wants to go, considering that it is not helping at all.

D
It agrees to go with some hesitation.

Ilona
Ok, good stuff. Ask the tension if there is anything it has to say or if its ready to go now.

D
It is sorry, didn't mean to hurt anything. Gut is relaxing some, back spasms a bit better.

Ilona
Nice.
Tell the tension that you forgive it and release it from blame.

D
OK

Ilona
Ask it if it's ready to go now.

D
It says it will try to let go

Ilona
Nice. Close your eyes for a bit and just feel whatever energy is here with openness. Don't name it, but allow it to flow freely. Come back when ready.
Remember to keep welcoming all that shows up and simply feel.
Feel the tension fully without reservation.
................................................................

D
Ready. Became aware of energy trapped/held in many places in body, started to move with the attention to it.

Ilona
I've got to go now, will be back later.

D
OK - any idea when?

Ilona
Write to me what the experience was like.
In 2 hours maybe.

D
Sure, thank you. Will you start the chat when you are ready?

D
I could feel energy that seemed to be stuck/not moving (I know, a label but how to talk about this or describe without them?) in various areas of the body with a variety of sensations (labels would be pain, tension, etc.). As my attention stayed in one area, I could feel it begin to move out. In the gut, it started to gurgle. Overall felt "lighter" and was able to relax more. I could see it takes great effort to habitually "hold" this energy - exhausting! Once it got my attention and was welcomed it seemed to be able to move again ... felt similar to the little girl who was able to relax once she was heard :)

..................................................
Ilona
I'm here. We can talk a bit more.

D
Hi
I'm here :)
Are you there?

Seems you are offline and it is already late for you in UK. Perhaps we can finish if you have time some other time. Thank you so much for your time Ilona, I am very grateful.
................................................

Ilona
Hi D, I was waiting for you to come back last night and I fell asleep..the last message that I see is the one where I said, I'm here.. If you have sent anything after, I did not receive it. Strange..

We can talk over email.
...................................................

How are you feeling today?
This opening keeps unfolding for a few days, usually. Just be very kind to yourself and time to time chat with the little one, just to let her know, that you are here and she can relax. I have no idea how it works, but these tense parts inside seem to respond to love and kindness.
This article I wrote on thinking may be of use too. http://markedeternal.blogspot.co.uk/2012/10/thinking.html
Much love.

D
Hi Ilona,
Ah, so that's what happened!  I came online about 10 minutes after you signed on, and you didn't answer back - now I understand that you feel asleep :)  I'm not sure why you didn't get the messages after that, but all is well as it seems the effect of the session unfolded a bit later.  Here's what happened.

I noticed the tension greatly reduce within a few hours, and I was actually able to eat solids (I hadn't been able to tolerate solid food for about 7-8 days)!!  During the last exercise, I could feel how much tension I was holding in various places of the body, especially the back muscles and the gut - it was amazing!  It felt like I was "holding energy" in these places that seemed to release once it got my full attention and welcome. WOW.

Also, I had been feeling very depressed and anxious for some time, and after speaking to the "little one" this seemed to lift and was replaced with a positive outlook and a renewed interest in life.  Awesome.  It also helped me to see that this "little one" (of course thoughts arising from ancient memories) desperately wanted to be heard, loved, spoken to with kindness and understanding, and to feel safe.  Once "she" got my attention and love, she was also able to relax, and this allowed "me" to experience more "inner space" (for lack of a better way to describe it) to see the inner workings of the illusory self.  Here is what I wrote to Sunil after our session:

I also realized these "conversations" with her (the "little one") are as "real" as any others (i.e., they are NOT real), as they must be stemming from thoughts arising from experiences/memories from 50-60 years ago. The emotions (hurt, fear, mistrust, anguish, grief, etc.) feel as "real" as any today, so this must be where they arise from. So I see there are many illusory "me's" from different ages that are generating thoughts and feelings. It makes me realize that this is why I often experience irrational childish feelings that arise but "feel real" (e.g., sulky, spiteful). This is the machinery running it. For example, when I was feeling really ill earlier this week, the thought that "I want my mommie" came up! Geez. Autopilot hurt, needy child "me" was activated from the memory tapes, given the illness stimulus occurring 50+ years later. It is getting clearer.

So thank you, thank you and thank you Ilona!  Thank you for the generosity of  your heart to create the LU website concept and to carry it out - it is simply amazing that you have created this for others.  And thank you for generously and kindness in offering to do this Deep Looking Session with me - I am deeply touched and grateful.

With Love and Gratitude,

Ilona
Thank you for wonderful news. I'm very pleased that such big amounts of tension has moved through! Amazing. Thank you for a great session.

I'm very happy that the body is relaxing and starting to heal.
It's such a mystery how it all works, but one thing is certain, love and kindness, attention to the repressed, denied, held energy gets it to move through. It's so simple and easy, yet not so easy when we feel trapped and contracted. Especially when body starts getting ill.

I would love to share our conversation with readers of my blog, if you don't mind, I would use an initial, not your name. I think it could be helpful for somebody else. I see this as one movement and release here initiates release there and so on.. Like a big wave of relaxation and acceptance.

Let me know what you feel about this.

What we did in the session has unlocked some doors, the unfolding of this keeps going, you will see, how stuff related will come up to be looked at, felt and released. And now you know what to do- welcome it and feel.

Lots of love to you.

D
Hi Ilona,
Sure, I am happy for you to share our conversation on your blog :)  It is so amazing what you are spreading ... a liberation revolution!

I want you to know that it seems this session was the last little push needed for me to "crash the gate" (Sunil's words) ... I don't know how or why, but a few hours later, simple acceptance of the illusion of self happened.  There was no more resistance.  I could speculate that it had to do with this trapped energy (wounded child memories) needed to be released and was somehow causing resistance to accepting the truth.  I do feel the session unlocked some doors, and I am ready to welcome its' unfoldment.   We'll see how it goes.  This is what I wrote Sunil this morning:

I have noticed over the past 24 hours that as disturbing-content thoughts arise ("clouds"), I am easily noticing/remembering that they are just thoughts ... voila, they subside without any effect. How can it be this simple????!!! Yes, I do feel a mild background "apprehension that this looks too easy" and again, just more thoughts. So far, so good. No suffering here ...

Thank you again and again for what you are doing.  It is a miracle.
Much Love & Gratitude,  D

Ilona
That is awesome news, D! I'm delighted for you! Sending big hug and a huge smile.
I guess, soon you will be joining LU community on Facebook. And even if you don't use it now, it is a great way to connect and share with others that crossed the gate.
Much love.

D
Hi Ilona,
Yes, it is!  It just blows me away that it could be this simple!!  Geez ...  Hug & smile received, sending hugs your way :)

Thank you for the invitation to join the LU community on Facebook!  I actually went to the LU page on FB now, liked it (I'm learning!) and then sent a friend request ... at least I think that's what I did!!  I'll try to figure out the rest, it would be wonderful to connect with like-minded/hearted others :)
Thank you again for everything!

Sudakini: To See This Feels Exciting, Alive and Freeing

It was a real pleasure to talk to Sudakini. Looks like Buddhist people have been trained for that, hehe. She was ripe and ready, did not take long and there was no resistance, just plain looking and reporting what was seen. 

Sudakini 
Jun 26

Dear Ilona,

Vajralila has let me know that you have agreed to guide me by email. Thank you for this, I am very grateful.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Warm Wishes,

Sudakini

Ilona
Jun 26

Hi Sudakini,

Great to hear from you. :)

Yes, we can have a chat.

Can you introduce yourself a little and tell me where are you on the path, how ready are you and what do you expect from our conversation.

Best regards.

Sudakini 
Jun 26
Hello Ilona ,

Good to hear back from you.

I have been practising within a Buddhist framework for around 28 years.. 16 of those with a more intense commitment to a particular community and practice tradition. I have been a dancer all my life and have worked with the body and movement for many years. Authenticity, immediacy, presence, responsiveness and spontaneity are key values for me. Where am I on the path...?  I am a long time on a path of opening, integrating, becoming, connecting... As well as  aligning my self more and more with the values I list above. Learning to love is a big one for me. And to know what it is be loved, and loveable.

How ready am I...? I am ready to open more, to let go more and to know more of what I don't know...

What do I expect? To be challenged... And validated.

Is this enough for now?

Kind Wishes,

Sudakini

Ilona 
Jun 27

Hi Sudakini,

Thank you for intro. Your key values are good sign that you are on the right track.
Can you say, if there is anything in the way to living them fully now? If so, what exactly?

What do you expect from our conversation? Can you go in depth on what you think awakening is, what it would do for you and what you want awakening to do for you. Just make a list. It's the most important step- to see through all expectations. Honesty is the key here.

Much love.

Sudakini 
Jun 27

Hi Ilona,

Thank you for your response.

In terms of living these key values fully now I practice being in touch with my direct experience as best I can as much as I can.. Through the felt sense, the eyes, the hearing and the emotions... I practice being as fully present as I can to what is arising in experience and attending to that with openness and a willingness to see what comes next.... What gets in the way of this? Fear I think. When an idea takes hold of a self that needs supporting, defending and protecting.

Awakening, I think, is a state of freedom from limiting views of self and other... A state of experiencing interconnectedness and immediacy with all of life... A state of  responsiveness and solidarity with life in all it's forms. What would this give me? Freedom from the limitation of 'me'... An experience of flow and aliveness...

In the dialogue with you I expect:
To look and investigate what is awareness...
What is self...
What are phenomena...
To become more convinced by the truth of no-self..
The truth of complete openness...

Love, Sudakini

Ilona
Jun 27

In terms of living these key values fully now I practice being in touch with my direct experience as best I can as much as I can..

Nice. But, is there a gap between experience, experiencer and experiencing? Is there something to which experiences are happening?

Is life happening to you or as you?
Is there an I that experience is happening to and which has to keep practising?

Through the felt sense, the eyes, the hearing and the emotions... I practice being as fully present as I can to what is arising in experience and attending to that with openness and a willingness to see what comes next.... What gets in the way of this?

Is there anything else but present moment- here and now?

Fear I think. When an idea takes hold of a self that needs supporting, defending and protecting. 

Yes, fear can be in the way. But it's only trying to protect something. We will look at the fear later in the process.

Awakening, I think, is a state of freedom from limiting views of self and other...

Awakening is not a state. It's a process. States come and go. Recognition is permanent. What was recognized once can not be unrecognised.  It's the same as recognizing that Santa story is a fantasy. Once it's seen, that Santa does not exist, it is not possible to believe in him again.

A state of experiencing interconnectedness and immediacy with all of life...

Recognition of interconnectedness. That does not mean that one can never get lost in a story again.

A state of  responsiveness and solidarity with life in all it's forms. What would this give me? Freedom from the limitation of 'me'... An experience of flow and aliveness...  

Freedom is not from something, but to experiencing all as it is, fully, without judgement.  It's not freedom from fear or anger, or unpleasant experiences, but freedom to feel fully whatever comes up.

In the dialogue with you I expect:
To look and investigate what is awareness...

Ok.

What is self...

Yes, what is a self? How would you define that? What does the word self points to?

What are phenomena...
To become more convinced by the truth of no-self..

Hmm, this is not about installing a new belief by convincing, it's about seeing that clearly in your experience. :)

The truth of complete openness...

Openness to what is happens when resistance to what is ends...

Sudakini 
Jun 28

Dear Ilona,

Thank you for your questions. Yesterday was an investigation of these. So...

There is direct experience through the senses, no gap between experience, experiencer and experiencing... A construct/thought of 'I' or 'me' also arises this is also a direct experience that has qualities/textures...

There are different modes or 'energies' in experience... If stress is happening an impulse arises to 'calm' or 'centering'.. Still no real 'me or I in there... But a habit / construct / thought of an 'I' that 'has' or chooses a different mode / direction. The idea of 'practicing' is a concept for this change in energy from stress to relaxation or from constriction to openness.

Love, Sudakini

Ilona
Jun 29

Let's try this:
Sit with this thought for a bit and write to me what sensations in the body, thoughts, feelings come up.

There is no separate self, no I, me in reality.  None as in zero.  No manager, controller, watcher, decider, driver, no entity that is in charge of this piece of life. Life is happening effortlessly, by itself, just happening.   

Sending love.

Sudakini 
Jun 30

Hi Ilona,

Thank you for your last instruction:

Ok. The last couple of days I stayed with the thought and instruction you gave me...

In the body: aliveness, alertness, vividness through the senses, a sensation like the pores opening and the body relaxing... Maybe also something like vigilance or even slightly hyper-vigilant...

In the thoughts:  yes, ok, direct experience, causes and conditions arising, life is happening without any 'me' controlling or making anything happen, a flow of impulses and responses and reactions, just aliveness... so now what...? So what? Then what? ... What's the point? So, no 'I' who is watching, no 'I' at all, so... Who or what is thinking? If thinking is just happening...

Feelings/emotions: some feeling of lightness and freedom... Some low-level excitement... And with the thought 'there is no I, so who is thinking?' there is some feeling of fear followed by some kind of sadness then this dissolves too.

Love, Sudakini

Ilona 
Jul 1

Hi Sudakini,
thank you for answers.

Let's look closer.
Who or what is thinking?

Observe thoughts. Sit with closed eyes and watch how thoughts come up and pass.

Is there a thinker?
Or just thinking happening?

Can you stop a thought from coming?
Can you know what the next thought will, be?
Can you choose and think just the thoughts you like?
Is thought I any different from other thoughts?
Can a thought think?

Observe and write to me what you noticed.

Much love.

Sudakini 
Jul 2

Hi Ilona,

observing thoughts...

thoughts arise by themselves... one thought leads to another thought.. or thoughts appear randomly... and dissolve.

Thoughts arise... once arisen they cannot be stopped... thoughts dissolve. There is no choosing thoughts.. There appears to be intention leading to particular thoughts; like: 'now i am observing thoughts', this is just another thought...

Somehow there is volition or intention otherwise how could there be a following of your instruction / invitation to observe thoughts? How does choosing to follow this line of enquiry happen? Choice also arises and drives a thought... No 'I' choosing or driving so.. Choice happens and interacts with thoughts..

Pleasant and unpleasant thoughts come... not possible only to have the nice ones!

Yes, 'i' is just another thought, one that comes again and again and again and again...  Not much substance to it though... Just like all the other thoughts it arises and dissolves... Thoughts don't think, thoughts just are.

Thank you.

Love, Sudakini

Ilona
Jul 3

Very good noticing.
Yes, thoughts come up and dissolve and I is just another thought.

Now look into actions. How do they happen, is there a doer?
Is there an intender?
Is there focusser? Awarer?
Is there anything that is happening not on automatic?

Looking forward to your answers.

Much love.

Sudakini 
Jul 5

Dear Ilona,

Thank you for your email two days ago and your invitation to explore actions.. I have been investigating in the midst of action packed (busy) days!

Actions come from impulses.. Responses to thoughts, sensations, emotions... Actions arise without a 'me' choosing... There is awareness but no-one who is aware... it seems awareness and actions arise together at different intensities as when seeing a bird is primary awareness/action and thumbs are twiddling more sub-consciousness action/ awareness.. Trying to explore relationship of awareness and action!

Action is empty of a doer, intender, awarer, focuser... Action happens dependent on thoughts, feelings, sense impressions.... Actions give rise to more actions... And on it goes.

Love, Sudakini

Ilona 
Jul 6

Good stuff.
Is there an action without awareness of it?

Yes, action is empty of doer.:) it happens.

Let's explore mind as labelling machine and language.
Look around you now and notice how mind labels everything, where attention goes. Play with this for a bit.
Notice how labels arise, story follows.
Notice that story goes on about experience, but it's not experience. It's a description.
Here is a little exercise in this post, do it and write to me after, how description affect what is happening?

http://markedeternal.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/labels.html

Does description change what is happening ?
What is that description has affect on?

Sending love.

Sudakini 
Jul 7

Dear Ilona,

Thanks again for your instructions and questions... You ask:

"Does description change what is happening ?
What is that description has affect on?"

Direct experience, what is happening right now...
Seeing, feeling, thinking, hearing... tasting and smelling...
Abundant sense impressions. Breathing, pausing.... The body is happening, always happening right now. The description / the labels are an add-on. Without labels the experience is immediate, vivid, timeless. With labels there is the possibility of communication through language... It is a description of the experience. The description is not the same as the direct experience. The description is a concept.. A construct.

Doing the exercise from your blogspot...

Writing and describing what is happening now, with or without using 'I' or 'me', distances from what is experienced directly through the senses and stops the immediacy of experiencing.  Writing  'I look up' or 'looking up is happening' feels the same in the sense that it is no longer the direct experience. The direct experience is not possible through words; it just is what it is.

Writing 'writing is happening' is different from the direct experience of that through the senses.. The words, the concept are never the experience itself... The words, labels, description can only point towards the experience or add something else to the experience... That 'something else' could be called a 'story about' the experience. The story about the experience creates more experiences... The story creates feelings, thoughts, impulses and sensations in the body....

The description does change what is happening... Description is another thought / action and leads to new experiences through the body, thoughts, senses etc. The body responds to thoughts... What is happening in the body also affects what happens in the thoughts. This pattern of causes and conditions effecting one-another is also possible to experience directly through the body/mind but it all happens so simultaneously, so quickly it is almost impossible to pin down.

The label / story 'I'.... Sometimes this is useful. Sometimes it is not useful. 'I' is a useful construct when there is a need for communication with others. 'i' is not useful when it causes separation... when this is happening a story about I/me tries to control direct experience and control others.... Useless! It doesn't work.

Thank you for your attention.

Love, Sudakini

Ilona 
Jul 7

Yes, you describe this very well!
Can you say, that yes, it is clear that I is imagined, that there is no separation and separate self is an illusion? If no, what is that still needs to be looked at?

How does it feel to answer as you answer?

Much love!

Sudakini
Jul 9

Dear Ilona,

In the midst of being laid up with a full on cold I have been contemplating your question...

"Can you say, that yes, it is clear that I is imagined, that there is no separation and separate self is an illusion? If no, what is that still needs to be looked at? 

How does it feel to answer as you answer?"

... it is clear that I is imagined.. I is added on to the experience and distorts or, at least, changes the direct experience into a fantasy.. I creates an illusion of distance and potentially alienation and separation from what arises spontaneously. Self as separate from what is experienced does not exist... An idea of self arises again and again.. 'selfing' happens... Self arises as a the thought 'I' and 'me' and 'mine'... this is clear. Self is a persistent fantasy!

Being in touch with direct experience and the knowing that self is a fantasy feelings of peace, relaxation and openness arise... Also some sadness and a kind of fear comes with this clear seeing...  There is also excitement and lightness.. A sense of a positive challenge... So a mix of feelings! Knowing self is an illusion brings a sense of freedom.. there is no need to buy into negative restricting self-views... Also no need to buy in to the positive ones either! That feels like a kind of freedom.

Love, Sudakini

Ilona
Jul 9

Beautiful :)

I is a thought, believed that it's more then an empty thought. It's part of experience of what happens when an image is taken for reality.

What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
Can you describe how seeing happened?

Much love!

Sudakini 
Jul 11

Dear Ilona,

Thanks again for your attention and guidance in this process...

You ask 'what was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?.. can you describe how seeing happens?'...

The whole process of receiving your questions/instructions and investigating thoroughly what experiencing is makes it clear that I is illusory... the intensity of looking at direct experiencing and asking about 'i' and the relationship of I to direct experience... looking again and again and seeing again and again that the thought i dissolves and is not essential, that I is another arising that happens along with other arisings... Seeing this and feeling the energy of experiencing without I, how natural this is and how possible... When you ask 'is it clear that I is imagined' this feels like the prompt to really know and say (come out with it!) for sure that I is an illusion... You ask: if no, is there still something that needs to be looked at... Trying to find an I that is substantial and not finding... so what else needs to be looked at...? Keep looking and dissolving happens. The more looking happens the more real and immediate no self becomes... Imposing a self on experience happens again and again and just experiencing happens again and again... With direct experience there is no I just sensations, sounds, feelings, thoughts... And spaciousness... And again the thought 'I/me'... I is flimsy and impermanent and no more real than any other thought... The only thing that is real and immediate is direct experience..

Just so you know, I will be on retreat tomorrow until Sunday.. This means I won't be able to email during that time.

I look forward to hearing from you either before I go or on my return.. Thank you.

Much love, Sudakini

Ilona 
Jul 11

Wonderful.
Looking continues till it drops. It's great that you are going for retreat, such a perfect timing! There will be so much to look at there.
When you come back, please answer this question- has the search ended?

Have a great time, both with Vajralila.

Sending love.

Sudakini 
Jul 24

Dear Ilona,

I hope you are well. I have been back from retreat a couple of days and straight into work and busy-ness. The retreat was wonderful in warm and sunny north Wales.

I have been contemplating your question: has the search ended?

A search for a solid existent self/I has ended... it is clear there is not one... Was I ever a searcher/seeker? I have looked for happiness but even that search ended a while back with the realization that happiness is always here when tension is dropped, opening takes place and an experience of connection arises... This is freedom as well as happiness.

I have been asking: if there is no search, why practice as a Buddhist.. what for? 9 days of Buddhist practice on retreat just now answers that question...Something happens with that kind of practice... there is joy and aliveness in it! That may change but for now it's good enough.

So, yes, some searching has ended... The flimsy thought 'i' keeps happening..  And freedom keeps happening... A kind of flow and energy constantly available. I am wondering why sadness arises with these words...?

Much love, Sudakini

Ilona 
Jul 26

Hi Sudakini,

So great to hear from you. :)
Glad you enjoyed the retreat and I'm very happy to hear, that the search has ended. Of course, this is not just an end, but also a beginning, there is so much more to explore.

Can you say, that you are ready for the final questions?

Lots of love!

Sudakini
Jul 26

Dear Ilona,
Yes please, I am ready for the final questions!
Much love, Sudakini x x

Ilona
Jul 26

Sweet! Here they are :)
Please answer in full, when ready.

Much love.

Sudakini 
Jul 28

dear Ilona,

Thank you for the last questions.

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

There is nothing substantial or separate about i / me or self... These are labels / constructs / thoughts that get attached to direct experience... This has always been so.

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now. 

Sensations are happening... seeing, hearing, feeling, thinking, smelling, tasting... Aliveness, awareness, consciousness is happening; responsiveness is happening... A thought of 'i' or me or mine happens too... These thoughts of i, me or mine attach to what is happening, describe what is happening as identified with an i, me or mine.. In describing the experience as i, me, mine another experience arises.. This experience is a thought train or 'story' with I, me, mine at the centre... Just another experience but one that causes the illusion of separation: 'me' here and 'world / other' out there.

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

To see this feels exciting, alive and freeing... and also there is sadness... Maybe the sadness is some kind of loss feeling... The loss of a closely held illusion... Maybe the sadness is at the compulsion / addiction that thinks 'I' is at the centre, creating the illusion of separation and the suffering that comes from that. The difference from before this dialogue started is that how this happens is completely clear, undeniable and convincing and the reality of no self is more present, consistent and available... Unhelpful feelings and reactions that would have persisted with the thought of I sticking to them are happening and passing with less stickiness.

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

On July 9th you asked:

"Can you say, that yes, it is clear that I is imagined, that there is no separation and separate self is an illusion? If no, what is that still needs to be looked at? How does it feel to answer as you answer?"

This question was the last push that made me really look and be certain... There was no turning away from what was seen again and again as a flimsy illusory experience of a self in the form of a label 'i', 'me' and 'mine.

5) Do you decide, intend, choose, control events in Life? Do you make anything happen? Give examples from your experience.

Decisions happen, intention happens, choice happens... These events happen in dependence on many other events, occurrences, phenomena physical and mental co-existing, shaping one-another through interaction; choice is an energy that does not need an I or a me to make it happen... Maybe choice could be called infinite possibilities merging to one point in dependence on many causes and conditions particularly those associated with a particular body/mind combination...???? Still no 'I' needs to be involved.

6) Anything to add?

Not really. Thank you so much for giving your precious time and attention to this dialogue, Ilona.

Lots of love, Sudakini xxx

Ilona 
Jul 29

Dear Sudakini,
I'm so delighted for you, your answers show clearly that you see. I have a huge smile on my face :))
The sadness is present when we say good bye to something or someone, this case may be the belief, fantasy, that we are separate entities and that we believed that for so long.  It's not something to worry about. Sadness will pass, or it may have already passed :)

Would it be ok with you to put is conversation on my blog, so it can be helpful for someone else. If you don't want to be recognized, no problem, I can use whatever name you like.

Lots of love to you and Vajra Lila.


Sudakini 

Jul 30

Dear Ilona,

thank you for your huge smile!

And thank you again for guiding me through this process... It is a really generous thing you do to give your time and attention in this way.

You are welcome to put our conversation on your blog and i'm fine with you using my name.

Lots of love, Sudakini x x x

Ilona
Jul 30

Awesome, thank you so much!! Will put it up today or tomorrow :)
Then if other guides have any questions I will pass them on to you, if not- will invite you to the groups.

Much love!

Deep Looking

Are you at peace right now? 

If so, nice. If not, then let me introduce you a very simple way to peace. I called this technique Deep Looking. It is a blend of different kinds of releasing techniques and is mainly based on Pamela Wilson's work and Sedona method.

It is very simple to use, but before I get to the details, I'd like you to notice how mind labels everything. Where focus goes, thinking follows. If you look to the left and notice what is there right now, watch what happens with thoughts- they label and describe the seen, naming shapes, colors, naming objects, those labels may trigger a memory, so little a story may come up. Words flow when focus touches what is there. (When you see it clearly, you can describe what is seen.)

Bring focus to how you feel right now. Describe it in a few words for yourself.
Notice, words that label feelings arise when attention goes to the feelings. Just have a little play and observe how it all works.

There is one thing to end seeking, it's quite another to end resisting what is.

It's like there are layers to awakening, one more subtle than other. Seeing that no one is here doing, thinking, living a life of separate entity does not automatically end all the resistance. It's not one hit and that's it: resistance-no-longer-arises-deal. All those little thoughts, beliefs, shoulds, emotional wounds, fears, habits, stories, the whole personality of the character did not form in a day, so it does not usually collapse in a day either. If you look back at your life, there is a story. Some stories are sticky, some are vague, some trigger deep emotional pain. The pain that paralyzes and keeps one stuck in the same patterns. If you could release all this sad stuff, what would be left is pure joy of being and peace.

When resistance ends, surrendering happens, it's actually the same movement, labeled from different ends. Every little resistance released is surrendering in action. Letting go, falling off old "parts of you", stuff that no longer serves and is no longer needed.

The first step is saying: Yes, so be it.

So be it. Let all the stuff that no longer serves get de-constructed, un-created, released, dissolved, melted away, gone. Who needs those fearful patterns, right? So be it. Whatever happens in the process of releasing is OK.

If fear comes up it's only here to show you that you are entering unexplored areas, it signals that something that feels protected does not want to be seen. Let that be OK as well.

The second step- Welcoming.

This is very important and it may feel silly or even funny, but welcoming everything that comes up is The Key. Kindness, openness, gentleness, compassion, softness, honesty, love are the door openers. When pushing stops, allowing begins. It's not a weakness, but most powerful, underrated tool on the mission of clearing stuckness. But what good is the tool if it's not being used.

Thank you is the magic word.

Thanking whatever shows up turns the feeling about it around. Resistance turns into acceptance. It's the alchemy of feeling. This is the main principle of Deep Looking- welcoming, thanking, giving space for the feeling to enfold you and to pass. You can bow in honor, hug and kiss the feeling, mind and the heart. The response is one of opening, feeling of appreciation, compassion, love. You may try this now, before reading further.

Thank the heart and the mind, literally, for being such a beautiful, gorgeous heart and mind. Give them both a warm hug and a smile. Tell them that you love them SO MUCH. Bow in honor and in appreciation. Say, thank you.

That's it. If there is resistance to that, it's fine. Thank the resistance for doing such a great job of protecting whatever needs to be protected. Give a hug to resistance. Even if it sounds a bit crazy. Accepting resistance is a step closer to releasing it. After all, resistance is a friend.

Listening deeply to what the mind and the heart have to say.

When we listen to how mind and heart responds, we can take the next step. That is asking another question that rises up from the previous answer. Whatever shows up in the answer is showing the way to go deeper.

The deep Looking process is a conversation with whatever structure comes up to talk. When the focus is turned inside, notice, there is a voice talking, it's labels everything. Using this function of mind, we can have a chat with mind, heart, body, see what they want, what is in the way of having it now, what is there that needs to be protected. Talking to the mind may sound weird, but it's not any weirder than talking to other imaginary characters in the head, like your partner or parent. It's imagined role play, a game, don't take it too seriously. It does not mean that there is this entity called Mind or Heart that live inside the entity called Body. It only means that if you ask a question of the structure directly you get a direct answer. Simple.

So ask the mind if it's at peace. Literally. - Mind, are you at peace?
Wait for the answer.
............


It's either yes or no. If yes, thank the mind for the answer and ask the heart the same question.
Wait for the answer and if it comes as yes then thank the heart too and enjoy the rest of the day :)

If NO comes up, ask the mind/heart what does it want the most.
You may write the answers down, as it helps to keep focus.
..........
After each answer give thanks and honor the heart and the mind, or whatever you are talking to at that moment.
...........
Next question would be- What is in the way of feeling relaxed now?

When the answer comes welcome that feeling, let it be here for a minute and just allow it to be as it is. Then you may ask the feeling what does it want the most, and see what comes up after that...
...........

When the answer comes that feeling, mind, heart wants to relax, you ask:

Are you ready to relax?
Are you ready to relax now?

If both answers are yes, then just close your eyes and feel. Feel fully, without putting labels on what is felt. Just letting the raw sensations enfold you, play out and pass. Take your time with this one and when it feels that all has passed, bring in some more, and feel it out and then some more. And even more. Keep at it- welcoming, bringing up, feeling out, keep at the process as long as it feels right. You may imagine that there is an open door in the area of the feeling and see how the feeling is moving through that door. Alternatively, just feel. In the end, it may feel like exhaustion, tiredness. It's ok. This work requires a bit of concentration.

When feelings like fear, resistance come up, talk to them and ask, what are they protecting. When you get an answer ask the mind to LOOK if it still needs to protect that, or protection is no longer needed. If it's no longer needed you may ask if the feeling wants to leave. If it says yes, then feel it out as described above. If the answer is no, then ask what this feeling wants to tell you. Listen. Whatever the answer is, thank the feeling for the answer and focus on that which comes up in the answer. It all may sound bit complicated, but when you are there, in conversation, the questions and answers just play out by themselves. 

The only thing to keep an eye on is the focus.

The tricky thing is, that if you are coming close to some strongly protected area, mind jumps at defense and either builds a wall or creates a distraction, or even both. The wall can be a sudden boredom, laziness to carry on, sleepiness, dismissal, blankness.

Distraction can come in many forms. Suddenly you may feel that you got something else to do or focus goes to something completely unrelated, something that appears to be much more interesting. It's the trick that mind plays when something feels threatened. If you notice that this happened, bring the focus back gently. Tell the mind that this is safe and you are here only to help it to get what it wants the most. Keep looking, keep welcoming and focus on what else is there that wants to speak up.

Often some scenes from childhood come up. A little kid, you, that may be feeling unloved, abandoned, and wants to be heard. Something may have happened, that the hurt is still there, something unresolved that still needs attention, processing, and acceptance. Give a hug to that child and tell her, how precious she is and how beautiful and that you love her very much. Ask the child what she wants the most and assure that she is safe and loved, stay with her till she feels lighter. 

It's a mystery how this works, but it sure does. The Deep Looking process allows you to go right to the root of stuck energy, lets you examine the beliefs and feelings around it and release happens. A deep release, that clears the space around the issue. It fills space with love and appreciation instead of tightness and unease.

When mind and heart are content and at peace, you may ask the mind, if it knows that the heart is it's home. Ask if it's already at home and if no, ask if it wants to join with the heart. Make sure both sides agree and then just close your eyes for a bit and feel the heart, feel the energy moving and simply be with it. As long as it feels right. It feels as it feels, descriptions fail at this point, no need to name the feeling either.

After this release, the opening continues. There may be some more left to release so it will keep unfolding through next few days. This is an energetic shift, a change how you relate to what is, how you feel most of the time, a new default frequency.

If you use this by yourself, it may take patience and some time. Each time you use it, there is a little release, in a few days, weeks, there will be a noticeable difference. But if you use this technique with a partner, somebody that helps you hold the focus, the release can be really big and sudden. The whole point of a partner is to keep you at it, all the way through.

I have used this technique for about a six years now, at the beginning on myself, then with friends and people that I never met. It is amazing to see how mind mechanisms work from inside. Mind protects the heart and in this noble task it has got confused and suffering was created. Instead of looking for the root cause and releasing it, the mind creates more and more security structures to protect the heart from suffering and that only creates more suffering. In the end, the heart may feel so small, wounded and helpless. And all it wants is to love. It can love freely, but the mind keeps it "safe" from the possible hurt. Sometimes, just in case, without examining if that protection works for the good or for more tension.

The heart is at peace when it's expanded, limitless, condition-less when it loves what it loves and enjoys the feeling of it.

It is not so easy to drop suffering. But if you listen to what your mind and heart want, if you start to communicate with those two, eventually the knot will loosen and the tightness will melt away. Instead, there will be openness and acceptance. Peace with what is.

You can communicate with the body too. I find that body does not speak, it may have no voice. Instead, you can ask yes and no questions and watch what reaction appears- opening sensations, expansion- yes, closing, tightness, contraction- no. Very simple. Deep Looking works with physical symptoms too. Behind the physical symptoms is the mind, resisting something, doing its job of protection.

Protection is good and needed when it makes sense.

A lot of times, when you look inside and ask the question- what is here that needs to be protected right now?- the answer that comes may be a surprise. You may see that mind creates and protects images. What is the worst that can happen to an image?

Images do not need to be protected, as there is nothing that can harm images in any way, but a protection mechanism would still be starting up. So you can simply ask, is it true, does this still need to be protected. If the answer is yes, then find out, what is really feeling in danger. Keep looking deeper and look behind the fear. What is there?

When you see that nothing is there that needs to be protected, when you really see that, the structure collapses. It becomes obvious, that this protection is only guarding an idea, not something that is there, real. Nothing can be harmed in any way, it's nothing. Emptiness.

I had many sessions with many people and only in very few cases, the big release did not happen, which means that more patience was needed to unlock the old rusty locks. Many sessions ended up with people getting light and blissful or falling asleep, sometimes I did fall asleep too, as it does take a lot of concentration to go all the way through. But what I noticed is that when my client releases, release happens here too, it is quite interesting to be part of this process as deepening of peace happens on both sides of the conversation.

Anyway, the theory is one thing, reading or listening to someone else's process is another and it's not the same as diving right in and experiencing this simple method for yourself. You can do it anywhere anytime. In the middle of a busy day or while meditating. Just asking and acknowledging how the mind and heart feel right now creates a direct intimate connection.
Directness, immediacy, intimacy is right here, in asking a direct question.

It may feel strange to talk to heart and mind in the beginning, especially if you see that mind and heart are just labels. But give it a try, explore this and see for yourself. It may get you into deeper peace and there is nothing at all to fear or to loose using this method. If it is not working for you, never mind.

If you find this useful, share this with a friend, pass this on, try it with someone.

If you like to book a one on one Skype session with me follow this link.

Please join Deep Looking group on Facebook

Here is a recording of a live Deep Looking session. 

http://www.liberationunleashed.com/LU_Audio/LU_Deep_Looking_Worthing_July_13th.mp3

And here are a few links to some older posts on this blog:

http://markedeternal.blogspot.co.uk/2016/01/going-home.html
http://markedeternal.blogspot.co.uk/2016/01/deep-looking-with-christiane.html
http://markedeternal.blogspot.co.uk/2012/10/deep-looking-session-with-k.html
http://markedeternal.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/looking-inside-with-n.html
http://markedeternal.blogspot.co.uk/2013/08/deep-looking-session-with-d.html

Peace. 

Brett: I'm No Longer Seeking. What a Relief...

Brett was very energetic and we exchanged over 150 emails. This is what happened in the beginning and towards the end. Brett had a lot of expectations and once they dropped, the seeking dropped too. 

Ilona

Hi Brett,

Here we can start. What is it that you are expecting from this conversation?

Please answer as fully as possible.


Brett 

Jun 10

Hi Ilona,

"I" am expecting to work with you giving you "my"110% in everything that you ask me.

"I" am expecting to recognize freedom, awakening, liberation without any doubt at all. Even when" I"had the awakening with Fred I doubted it but I did recognize how things were one and nothing is permanent.

"I" want to have clear seeing of the truth, and "I" want to know 110% that the "self" doesn't exist, "I" still have some doubt about that, even though "I" know the self doesn't exist, it's still a knowing not a definite.

"I" want freedom more then anything else, "i" will do anything it takes.

Thank youSo much

...............

"I" want too see past the illusion of separation.

Ilona

Jun 11


<"I" am expecting to work with you giving you "my"110% in everything that you ask me.

<"I" am expecting to recognize freedom, awakening, liberation without any doubt at all. Even when" I"had the awakening with Fred I doubted it but I did recognize how things were one and nothing is permanent.
Sounds like you are talking about a state. Realisation is not a state. No state is permanent, but pattern recognised, can not be unrecognised. It's just like Santa story, once it's clear that Santa is imagined, not real, it can never be believed again. Nothing to do with any state.

"I" want to have clear seeing of the truth, and "I" want to know 110% that the "self" doesn't exist, "I" still have some doubt about that, even though "I" know the self doesn't exist, it's still a knowing not a definite. 

What do you expect that should be different? Really look here. What is behind the doubt?

"I" want freedom more then anything else, "i" will do anything it takes.

What kind of freedom are you after? Freedom from suffering, from fear? From negative emotions? From what?

You don't need to use quotes when you write I. I can say I, no problem. It's clear that I is just a word without which communication would be difficult. So feel free to use it in a normal manner.

Look deeper at your expectations. This, what you wrote is just a scratch of surface. Bring them all up.

What do you expect awakening is?

What do you think it will do for you?

What do you want it to be like?

What are you waiting to happen?

Full honesty is the key here.


This is the most important step, so take time with it.

Here is an article for you.

http://markedeternal.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/expectations.html?m=1


No rush, answer when ready.

Sending love.

Brett

Jun 11
Here is the answer to the first question:

"I" expect more bells and whistles, even though "I" know that's not normally the case. "I" am expecting to feel a certain way all the time, "I" know that that's not the case as well. "I" am starting to see awakening is different then what I expect it to be. "I" do want to let awakening unfold as it does, with "me" not controlling it.

Does this make sense?

There is fear behind the doubt. There is fear that "I" can't do this (the awakening). "I" don't have what it takes to (awaken). "I" make awakening like its special, but "I" know intellectually I am already awake. "I" am feeling that this doubt comes from "my" childhood (being picked on, having few friends, and so on). When I looked behind the doubt "I" saw myself as a child and all I listed above, I am looking deeper now and lets see what comes up. Behind the doubt comes a fear of letting "myself" and "others" down. It's quite interesting what's coming up, fear of "my" father. I look behind the fear and I feel and see love and peace (very beautiful).

"I" just got it that doubt is a label and labels aren't real they are just labels. "I" see the a body made of post its on each post it is a label and as each label (post it) is peeled there is nothing behind it and that's because labels are just that nothing.
…………………

I am after freedom from attachments and aversions ( but that doesn't come from me), I am after freedom from suffering ( from the world, allowing others to make me suffer "I know no one can make me suffer", suffering because others are suffering), pain (physical, mental, emotional), freedom from fear ( fear has led my life for years, always allowing fear to control me( I know fear is just thoughts, labels and a story), freedom from the illusion of separation, I really want freedom to help others be free, I want to be the peace, love, happiness.

I am at work now and I will answer the other questions when I get home and I want to really take my time with the answers and focus.

Is it ok if I also ramble on with my thoughts about the other questions you asked.

It's pretty funny because I rambled on and on then I lost all that I typed.

Ilona

Jun 11

Why would there be bells and whistles? It's just a drop of belief, not a shiny new insight. Some people have an experience, some not, it's half and half, and that does not mean anything. If you are looking for something to happen, you are missing out on seeing what already is.

> "I" am expecting to feel a certain way all the time,

Hahaa, like a mummy or something? No it does not make you a zombie, not there is such thing as happy forever after. This is not a fairy tale. It's life. And in life all things happen. There is nothing permanent.

> "I" know that that's not the case as well.

Good.

> "I" am starting to see awakening is different then what I expect it to be.

Exactly. That is why it is best to leave ALL expectations and take a fresh look.

> "I" do want to let awakening unfold as it does, with "me" not controlling it.

There is no "me" controlling it, don't worry about that.

Ilona

There is fear behind the doubt. There is fear that "I" can't do this(the awakening). "I" don't have what it takes to (awaken). "I" make awakening like its special, but "I" know intellectually I am already awake.No, I am already awake assumes that there is I that is awake, there is no I. Just being awake. Just being. 

"I" am feeling that this doubt comes from "my" childhood (being picked on, having few friends, and so on). When I looked behind the doubt "I" saw myself as a child and all I listed above, I am looking deeper now and lets see what comes up. Behind the doubt comes a fear of letting "myself" and "others" down. It's quite interesting what's coming up, fear of "my" father. I look behind the fear and I feel and see love and peace (very beautiful).

Beautiful. Yes, this is great looking.

"I" just got it that doubt is a label and labels aren't real they are just labels. "I" see the a body made of post its on each post it is a label and as each label (post it) is peeled there is nothing behind it and that's because labels are just that nothing.
Yes! That's it. Labels are not objects or subjects. Just labels.

.................

Ilona

Thank you for open honesty. It's really beautiful that you have an intention to help others be free.

Suffering is mental, it's thoughts about suffering, there is no emotional pain or mental pain, pain is a contraction felt in the body. And it does not mean there should be suffering attached to that. You may find my latest article useful when looking for yourself, what is suffering. http://markedeternal.blogspot.co.uk/2013/06/where-is-sufferer.html

Write to me what you notice in your experience about mechanism of suffering.

Also, with seeing no self, suffering does not automatically vanish. Suffering is here because of conditioning and unresolved emotional wounds. So there is no magic wand to make all go away in one hit. But there is opening freedom TO experience. To feel pain, anger, fear, joy, love, without judgement, that it"s good or bad.

It's not what you expect, once again.

<I am at work now and I will answer the other questions when I get home and I want to really take my time with the answers and focus.

Is it ok if I also ramble on with my thoughts about the other questions you asked.

It's pretty funny because I rambled on and on then I lost all that I typed.
Lets do like this. I ask you questions, you work on them whole day and at the end send me a report. This way mind will get focused and won't be rambling. What I like you to write is only that which feels honestly true to you.

Sending love.

Brett

Here is the answers to the questions about the expectations of Awakening:

awakening is seeing the world in a different point of view. Seeing the world truthfully, with no filter. Awakening is only a shift of consciousness. Awakening is no-thing "special". The mind, labels and stories makes awakening "special". Awakening is having less of a push or pull from the world. Seeing the world differently. I just noticed that I want awakening to be something "special", to make myself "special".

When you asked what I think Awakening will do for me, I just noticed that everyone of the answers that come up are labels and are not true. I feel that awakening won't do much for me. All the thoughts, beliefs, stories and labels f hat i thought awakening would do for me came from other peoples beliefs that I had taken on.

I want awakening to make my life perfect (Which I know it won't do). I want awakening to be a HUGH event in my life (Which i know isn't true either). I want everyone to know that i am awakened (but that's not the truth either). Part of me wants people to know that i am awakened so that they will come for me for advice, and respect my opinions (quite interesting what I just said) hmmm.

I really want it to be something that isn't so big and I want it to be something more gradual and ease into it. I want awakening to be something that happens and i don't want to force it "like i use to try to do"

I wish I was going into the awakening with no preconceived notions, I feel that the preconceived notions aren't helpful.

Let's rephrase the question, ok? What WAS I waiting to happen? I was expecting for me to be special, people to look up to me, for me to be a guru ( though I love the word GURU= G U R U. In so many spiritual traditions they make awakening such a big deal, when I am aware now that its no big deal at all, and I am becoming more aware that no-thing really has to happen except for a slight change in SEEING. I was waiting for me to want to learn from me, i am noticing that this awakening that i use to believe in was centered around the me, the selfish me. The ego was the thing that was saying something has to happen .Something is happening now, I don't know what, but something is happening, something is changing. I am also feeling emotional now ( a wave of emotions is coming up, but then I am feeling them leave, all different feelings are coming up, though i feel this is good, like a release of something).

Now i am waiting for nothing to happen, because no-thing has to happen, i am all i need to be, nothing more, nothing less. I made this grand story up of what awakening is, but it's not that, its so much more simpler and more beautiful.

Being Loving Brett

……………………….
Hey IIona....

I just want to thank you for everything you are doing for me and taking your precious time to helping me.

I read the article on suffering and I love it and i totally relate to it (especially saying "yes" to all suffering. I learned that technique ad I enjoy doing it and it is helpful, thank you fo reminding me of the technique.)

Here is the answer to the question:

" What do i notice in my experience about the mechanism of mind?"

First thing I notice is that suffering only occurs when I have thoughts and The suffering occurs when i want things to happen a certain way or when things don't happen a certain way (the way i want them to happen). Suffering is felt physically as well as mentally and emotionally. Suffering is made by me. When i don't have expectations I don't suffer, my expectations come from many sources such as family, friends, society, teachers, and so on. Most of my expectations aren't my own expectations, but ones I adopted from others. When I suffer there are stories, labels and thoughts involved. Suffering seems to be very deep, but is't really deep. I just realized that suffering only happens when I believe a thought, story or feeling.

With no expectations suffering couldn't occur.

I do have less expectations then I use to have, What is being seen now the words accepting more, allowing more, which is something i have worked on for a while and definitely have seen progress.

Thank you again

Lots Of Love and Gratitude

………………………….

I am feeling a shift (something going on)

I am getting a feeling or message that there is no reason to rush in life. Take my time and see everything as it is. Take my time and enjoy the little things and allow myself to enjoy the little and big things. This is a very important and powerful message for me

……………………………….

Ilona

Great. No rush. All is happening at the right time - now.

Brett

I just got what suffering is, it's not just thoughts, stories and labels, it's the beliefs of thoughts, stories, labels. This just came to me while laying down.

Ilona

Yes, good one. Now take a look, what is it that makes beliefs stick? What is the glue that holds it all together?

Brett

I am only doing what you are telling me to do now, I am not doing any other " spiritual practice", is that the way you want it?

Ilona

Yep. No books, no videos, no second hand descriptions. Look for yourself for answers to questions.
………………………………....................................................................

A few weeks later

………………………………....................................................................

Brett

Hey Ilona....
I hope you had a nice 4th of July.yesterday i was very emotional and sad, I feel better today.

I noticed that since i stopped doing the sedona method, life is happier, less stressful, less have to's, Life is nicer.

I am not seeing that the shift happened yet.

Your Question:
Can you give some examples of seeing in your normal everyday situations.

My Answer:
Life in general is less stressful, easier. Long Story short I am still friendly with my ex-wife and we saw each other and she got on my nerves (LOL), I am taking life less seriously, life doesn't seem as real, i am taking life less personally.

Your Question:Has anything changed?

My Answer:Nothing has really changed, it seems like life is easier and less personal.

Your Question: What has stayed the same?

My Answer:
everything is the same, things seem easier, less stressful.

Your Question:

How do you see your friends and family now?

My Answer:
The relationship with most people are better then ever, my relationship with my mother and ex-wife seem the same. I want to have a better relationship with my mother and ex-wife.

Your Question:
Has relationship changed?

My Answer:
Overall I notice things around me being more positive, people around me being happier, people around me being friendlier.

Thank You Again

Lots of Love

Ilona

Jul 7

> I noticed that since i stopped doing the sedona method, life is happier, less stressful, less have to's, Life is nicer.

> I am not seeing that the shift happened yet.
Interestingly in one sentence you say, that there was something that changed in another's that nothing changed. Hehe, which one is it?

The shift by the way, can be very subtle. No dramatic fireworks does not mean it did not happen.

It never is what one expects.

Brett

Jul 7

There has definitely been a change, but I can't point to the change, I don't know when the change occurred.

Tell me what you recommend I do, there has been a shift if some sought.

Thank you

…………………………

Do you feel that I went past the gateless gate?

………………………..

Hi Ilona

I don't see the oneness of all things that is why I don't think that I went through the gateless gate, but I trust your opinion. What do you recommend I do ?

………………………………..

In the Mind I expect oneness when I drop the illusion of separation to be a certain way or feeling.


Ilona

Jul 8

what is separate from what?

Brett

nothing is separate from anything, everything is intertwined together.

I still have a thought that something has to happen for the illusion of separation to drop, but i do notice that it is loosening up. I guess i am wanting a big thing to happen, when the illusion of separation to happen, i guess i want life to be different, but in a way life is different. It's more calm, peaceful and loving. I know all i said to you in the paragraph is not true, its just beliefs.

I am noticing the reason why " I think", i didn't go through the gateless gate, is because of the expectations i had.

So what do i do now?

Thank you again for putting up with me....

Ilona

Jul 8

> nothing is separate from anything, everything is intertwined together.

Yes and no. Yes, everything is.. No to intertwining. It just IS.

> I still have a thought that something has to happen for the illusion of separation to drop, but i do notice that it is loosening up.
Well if nothing is separate, it's not that it suddenly becomes one, it always been one, so what is there to happen? It's not even one. It just IS.

> I am noticing the reason why " I think", i didn't go through the gateless gate, is because of the expectations i had.

Hahaha, is there a gate?

Is there anything to do?

Much love.

Brett

Nothing has to happen because everything just is (which I am feeling fear now). In back of the fear is just peace, live and friendliness.

There is not a gate, that is why it's called the gateless gate.

There is nothing to do.

Ilona

:))

How does it feel to see this?

Brett

It feels great

What do you recommend I do to be aware of this more and more?

Ilona

Yes, rest in that more and more..

How is your day going?

Brett

My day is going great

How is your day?

What do you recommend I rest in?

Ilona

Rest in resting :)

My day is nice too, 3rd day of summer is here, lovely.

Can you say you are through with this inquiry? Any questions left?

Brett

Yes I can say I am through with the inquiry, thank you so very much. I feel like there is no reason to inquire anymore, I don't see the purpose anymore.

What are my next steps?

Being loving Brett

…………………………

Can you recommend any books to read? Any topics to read about? Any processes or techniques to do?

Can you recommend anything for me to do that will make me go deeper into freedom?
....................................I see that inquiry wasn't even needed.

Ilona

There are a few great books- Adyashanti - the end of your world

Greg Goode - direct path

Alan watts videos, Shinzhen Young, Rupert Spira, etc etc.

But what is there to do to deepen? It's more like falling process-- old stuff starts falling off, all beliefs that were dependent on belief in I starts falling, trust the guide within.

You say that inquiry wasn't even needed. Hehe, what was it that was driving it?

Much love.

Brett

The driving force was the belief I had to do something to be "free". Now I know I no-thing has to be done.

I was thinking that maybe Byron Katie's or Scott Kilobys stuff maybe good, your opinion.

Ilona

hehe, then what is that drives you to read more and ask what i recommend?

Brett
I like to do things, I hate being bored. To me the best things to do is to grow a d help others.

Ilona

sweet. maybe we can wrap this up and you can start helping others to see through illusion. :)

Brett

Ok

How do we wrap this up? ( I know another question...lol)

As a kid I questioned everything.....

Ilona

Jul 10

We ask final questions and check with other guides if they have any questions.

Once all clear, we invite new haters to aftercare group and when ready one can join guide groups

And start guiding.

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?


2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

5) Do you decide, intend, choose, control events in Life? Do you make anything happen? Give examples from your experience.

6) Anything to add?

Please answer in full, when ready.

Much love.

Brett

Jul 10

I will answer these questions the day after tomorrow, I am seeing Amma tomorrow.

Brett

Jul 11

I was talking to a friend and she said something that is so true, since working with you the search has ended, it's beautiful

Thank you

I will answer the questions tomorrow

Ilona

I am so delighted to hear that, Brett!

Huge smile :)))))

Brett


Hey Ilona

How are you? Things are going very well here. Here is the answers to the questions.

1) Answer: There is no separate entity and there never was a separate entity, That was the illusion of the separate self.

2) Answer: The illusion of the separate self is (thinking, believing) that everything is separate from me, but the truth is everything there is no separate entity me. The illusion of the separate self starts when we are born and the way the world (people, family, teachers, etc.) talks to us and the way they communicate with us, forms the separation.

We are all one, nothing is separate we are connected at the deepest level. I am no longer seeking, i am allowing, accepting all that is.


3) Answer: It feels great to see this, Knowing that everything is working exactly as it should be. Feeling the love and connectivity to everything is beyond words.

The first major difference is that I no longer am seeking, I am accepting, allowing and loving all that I experience. Life is more loving, less attachments, less aversions, I notice that the mind is quieter, less judgements and Life just being perfect. Thoughts come and go, stickiness to thoughts.

4) Answer: I was getting sick of the seeking and I wanted it to be over, then yesterday I was talking to my friend and she said it all "it seems like you dropped the seeker", and she was so right, then when I started looking I noticed that I no longer am seeking and seeking is no longer needed. What a relief....

I noticed that when my guide said to drop all other methods of searching that's what did it. I was so attached to methods, techniques of searching, but they are not needed and the dropping of those techniques and processes is what brought me to go past the illusion of separation.

5) Answer: Events is life happen, I don't choose, intent, decide or control events in my life. I don't make anything happen. Things are happening whether I choose to be involved in them or not.

I noticed that i was no longer seeking and that just happened. I didn't do anything to notice it and I didn't do anything to drop the seeking, it just dropped. "Things" in life are happening no matter if I am involved or not, My involvement doesn't affect king anything happen or not.

Thank You So Much

Ilona

Jul 14

Hi Brett,

I got your answers and I'm very happy for you! Yey!

Sorry did not answer earlier, I was very busy last couple of days and just now have time to answer all.

Can I put bits of our conversation on my blog? This way I can get other guides to ask questions if they have any. Otter and Elena have been asking about you.

How is everything? Anything interesting to share?

Lots of love.

Brett

Hey Ilona

Everything is great, I am feeling more space each and everyday and i feel great. Please put whatever you want from our conversations on your blog.

Life seems less attached and everything is flowing beautifully. The most beautiful thing is that the seeker had dropped.

Say "Hi" to Elena and Otter.

Please ask any other questions you or other guides have.

Thank you again.

Ilona

Jul 15

Haha, that seeker was just a little misunderstanding. :) I'm so delighted for you.

Will get the blog post ready and up in the next couple of days.

Here is a gift for you.

http://liberationunleashed.com/PDF/Awakened.pdf

:)

Love!

Brett

Lol

So true
Thank you for the gift