Deep Looking Session With D

D
Dear Ilona,

I have read your post on Deep Looking, and have tried it a bit with myself.  It does seem that it would be far more effective doing with someone who is familiar with going more deeply into issues.  Can you give me information on booking a session with you?

I have been in a very "stuck" place for 2-3 years now, and would love some help to see what emotional issues keep holding me down.  I have spent many years (35+) dedicated to a spiritual path, and have come to a place where I feel utterly lost, discouraged, and have fallen into depression and despair.   I have been working with Sunil as my guide at LU for the past few weeks, and he sent me a link to your Deep Looking post ... I am hoping that this could help me to unblock whatever is holding me back from truly seeing and accepting the truth.
Thank you so much for your amazing work, I am truly grateful.

Ilona
Hi D.

Thank you for email. Yes we can have a session. It usually takes an hour or more and it is best to be undisturbed. Where are you on the map? I'm uk. What is normally best time for you?
Looking forward to hear from you.


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D
Hi Ilona,
I am ready whenever you are :)

Ilona
Hi D :)

D
Hi

Ilona
How are you today?

D
Honestly - a bit down

Ilona
Are you ready to start or need a bit more time to make yourself comfortable?

D
I am totally ready to start
Are you?

Ilona
Yes.
Ok, take 3 deep breaths and relax.

D
Great :) Thank you so much for your generosity of heart

Ilona
Ask your mind, literally, mind, are you at peace? Wait for answer and bring it to me.

D
No, it is not

Ilona
Thank your mind for answer.
Tell it that you love it very much

D
OK. Tears are coming ...

Ilona
Then ask if it wants to relax.

D
Yes it does
It is very tired of struggling

Ilona
Good, thank it again and ask it if its ready to relax

D
No it is not ready to relax - it is very worried.

Ilona
That's ok. Just sit with this feeling. Ask the mind what does it want the most.

D
It wants to know how to take care of me and is worried that it doesn't know how

Ilona
Ask what is behind that

D
Feeling helpless

Ilona
Welcome this feeling.
Say thank you, helplessness, for coming.
Ask it what is it protecting.

D
Me from getting hurt

Ilona
Ok, thank it for answer.
Ask it what is it that can hurt and how.

D
Someone will hurt me (it's not rational here), many tears.

Ilona
Ask the mind if it still needs to do this- protect.

D
Yes it says it does, that is its job.

Ilona
Good. Thank it very much for doing great job.
Ask the mind now to find this me, see what is there.

D
Seems to be like a small child or the phantom of one.

Ilona
Welcome the small child. Thank her for coming.
Giver her a hug and ask her, what is she afraid of.

D
That nobody loves her and she feels all alone and is afraid no one will take care of her.

Ilona
Oh dear... Give her a kiss and tell her how precious she is and how much you love her.
Hold her in your arms for a bit and smile to her.

D
Many tears, much grief ...

Ilona
It's ok. Let it all out. Keep honouring and hugging her.

D
OK, tears continue so much grief here always wanted to hear these words of love.

Ilona
Ask her if she wants to tell you anything.
Tell her it's safe to talk and you are listening.

D
She is afraid to ask for help because someone will hurt her

Ilona
Tell her that she got you to protect her. She is safe.

D
She doesn't believe me or trust me :(

Ilona
Ask her what can you do for her.
So she believes you.

D
She doesn't know
She doesn't know how to trust anyone

Ilona
Ask her what is in the way of trusting you now.

D
She can't think of anything

Ilona
Tell her that you trust her.

D
She wants to trust me

Ilona
Ask her who hurt her.

D
Her mommy - more tears
Her brother and her father too

Ilona
Give her a warm hug
Tell her that they no longer can hurt her.
Tell her that they did not want to hurt her.
And tell that you are so so sorry that she has been hurt.

D
She has just been holding in all this hurt for so many years afraid to tell anyone. She says her friends hurt her too.

Ilona
Tell her that she is safe and you are listening and love her very very much.

D
More tears, she wants to believe me

Ilona
Give her a kiss
Just sit with her for 5 min

D
OK

Ilona
No rush. Take your time, shower her with love.

D
She is relieved to be heard and have someone to talk to and feels calmer and quieter.

Ilona
Nice. Tell her that you will listen to her from now on.
Ask her if she is still scared.

D
Not as long as I am looking out for her and she doesn't have to feel all alone.

Ilona
Great!
Ask her if she wants to relax.

D
Yes, as long as I am watching out for her.

Ilona
Good. Ask her if she is ready to relax now.

D
Wavering between trusting me and letting guard down and feeling she has to watch out for herself
Not used to trusting anyone.

Ilona
Tell her that you understand and are sorry that she has to feel this way.
Tell her that she is most precious, beautiful girl.

D
More tears, wants so badly to be loved.

Ilona
Tell you are sorry for all this time that you did not connect with her.
And from now on you are her best friend.
Ask her if she can forgive you.

D
Many tears, she isn't mad at me, just afraid to trust and very wary.

Ilona
Tell her that you will come and talk to her later, that she can rest now.

D
OK

Ilona
Is she OK now?

D
Yes, much quieter.

Ilona
Nice.

D
She just really needed to be heard.

Ilona
Yes. So simple.

D
Yes :) Sweet.

Ilona
Now look inside and see if there is anyone else that wants to be heard. Ask to come forward.

D
My gut (how odd?!)

Ilona
Ok, welcome it. Ask what it wants to tell you.

D
It is afraid.

Ilona
Oh.. Tell it its safe and it can tell you what it is afraid of.

D
It is having trouble digesting.

Ilona
Is anything coming up?

D
It is not wanting to accept food it is very sad.

Ilona
Ok, tell it that you love it very much and ask what you could do for it.
What does it want the most?

D
It wants me not to be so tense as it cannot accept food or digest when I am so tense and unhappy. (Aside: I have been sick with diverticulitis for almost 2 weeks and have been unable to eat much solid food)

Ilona
Yes, when there is much tension it is not easy for the gut. Tell it you love it and don't want to hurt it.
Is there tension in the body right now?

D
Yes

Ilona
Welcome the tension now and let's speak to it.
Ask it what is it's job.

D
To protect me, stay vigilant.

Ilona
Yes. It is too part of protection mechanism.
Ask it what is it protecting at the moment.

D
It is afraid of dying.

Ilona
Ask it if it knows that it is hurting gut.

D
No it did not know that, not intentional.

Ilona
Ask it if it wants to leave and let the gut do its job.

D
Not sure, it is confused it thought it was helping.

Ilona
Well, tell it that its not helping like this.
Ask the body if tension is helping it.

D
Body says DEFINITELY not!

Ilona
Ok, thank the tension for its work and ask it if it wants to go, considering that it is not helping at all.

D
It agrees to go with some hesitation.

Ilona
Ok, good stuff. Ask the tension if there is anything it has to say or if its ready to go now.

D
It is sorry, didn't mean to hurt anything. Gut is relaxing some, back spasms a bit better.

Ilona
Nice.
Tell the tension that you forgive it and release it from blame.

D
OK

Ilona
Ask it if it's ready to go now.

D
It says it will try to let go

Ilona
Nice. Close your eyes for a bit and just feel whatever energy is here with openness. Don't name it, but allow it to flow freely. Come back when ready.
Remember to keep welcoming all that shows up and simply feel.
Feel the tension fully without reservation.
................................................................

D
Ready. Became aware of energy trapped/held in many places in body, started to move with the attention to it.

Ilona
I've got to go now, will be back later.

D
OK - any idea when?

Ilona
Write to me what the experience was like.
In 2 hours maybe.

D
Sure, thank you. Will you start the chat when you are ready?

D
I could feel energy that seemed to be stuck/not moving (I know, a label but how to talk about this or describe without them?) in various areas of the body with a variety of sensations (labels would be pain, tension, etc.). As my attention stayed in one area, I could feel it begin to move out. In the gut, it started to gurgle. Overall felt "lighter" and was able to relax more. I could see it takes great effort to habitually "hold" this energy - exhausting! Once it got my attention and was welcomed it seemed to be able to move again ... felt similar to the little girl who was able to relax once she was heard :)

..................................................
Ilona
I'm here. We can talk a bit more.

D
Hi
I'm here :)
Are you there?

Seems you are offline and it is already late for you in UK. Perhaps we can finish if you have time some other time. Thank you so much for your time Ilona, I am very grateful.
................................................

Ilona
Hi D, I was waiting for you to come back last night and I fell asleep..the last message that I see is the one where I said, I'm here.. If you have sent anything after, I did not receive it. Strange..

We can talk over email.
...................................................

How are you feeling today?
This opening keeps unfolding for a few days, usually. Just be very kind to yourself and time to time chat with the little one, just to let her know, that you are here and she can relax. I have no idea how it works, but these tense parts inside seem to respond to love and kindness.
This article I wrote on thinking may be of use too. http://markedeternal.blogspot.co.uk/2012/10/thinking.html
Much love.

D
Hi Ilona,
Ah, so that's what happened!  I came online about 10 minutes after you signed on, and you didn't answer back - now I understand that you feel asleep :)  I'm not sure why you didn't get the messages after that, but all is well as it seems the effect of the session unfolded a bit later.  Here's what happened.

I noticed the tension greatly reduce within a few hours, and I was actually able to eat solids (I hadn't been able to tolerate solid food for about 7-8 days)!!  During the last exercise, I could feel how much tension I was holding in various places of the body, especially the back muscles and the gut - it was amazing!  It felt like I was "holding energy" in these places that seemed to release once it got my full attention and welcome. WOW.

Also, I had been feeling very depressed and anxious for some time, and after speaking to the "little one" this seemed to lift and was replaced with a positive outlook and a renewed interest in life.  Awesome.  It also helped me to see that this "little one" (of course thoughts arising from ancient memories) desperately wanted to be heard, loved, spoken to with kindness and understanding, and to feel safe.  Once "she" got my attention and love, she was also able to relax, and this allowed "me" to experience more "inner space" (for lack of a better way to describe it) to see the inner workings of the illusory self.  Here is what I wrote to Sunil after our session:

I also realized these "conversations" with her (the "little one") are as "real" as any others (i.e., they are NOT real), as they must be stemming from thoughts arising from experiences/memories from 50-60 years ago. The emotions (hurt, fear, mistrust, anguish, grief, etc.) feel as "real" as any today, so this must be where they arise from. So I see there are many illusory "me's" from different ages that are generating thoughts and feelings. It makes me realize that this is why I often experience irrational childish feelings that arise but "feel real" (e.g., sulky, spiteful). This is the machinery running it. For example, when I was feeling really ill earlier this week, the thought that "I want my mommie" came up! Geez. Autopilot hurt, needy child "me" was activated from the memory tapes, given the illness stimulus occurring 50+ years later. It is getting clearer.

So thank you, thank you and thank you Ilona!  Thank you for the generosity of  your heart to create the LU website concept and to carry it out - it is simply amazing that you have created this for others.  And thank you for generously and kindness in offering to do this Deep Looking Session with me - I am deeply touched and grateful.

With Love and Gratitude,

Ilona
Thank you for wonderful news. I'm very pleased that such big amounts of tension has moved through! Amazing. Thank you for a great session.

I'm very happy that the body is relaxing and starting to heal.
It's such a mystery how it all works, but one thing is certain, love and kindness, attention to the repressed, denied, held energy gets it to move through. It's so simple and easy, yet not so easy when we feel trapped and contracted. Especially when body starts getting ill.

I would love to share our conversation with readers of my blog, if you don't mind, I would use an initial, not your name. I think it could be helpful for somebody else. I see this as one movement and release here initiates release there and so on.. Like a big wave of relaxation and acceptance.

Let me know what you feel about this.

What we did in the session has unlocked some doors, the unfolding of this keeps going, you will see, how stuff related will come up to be looked at, felt and released. And now you know what to do- welcome it and feel.

Lots of love to you.

D
Hi Ilona,
Sure, I am happy for you to share our conversation on your blog :)  It is so amazing what you are spreading ... a liberation revolution!

I want you to know that it seems this session was the last little push needed for me to "crash the gate" (Sunil's words) ... I don't know how or why, but a few hours later, simple acceptance of the illusion of self happened.  There was no more resistance.  I could speculate that it had to do with this trapped energy (wounded child memories) needed to be released and was somehow causing resistance to accepting the truth.  I do feel the session unlocked some doors, and I am ready to welcome its' unfoldment.   We'll see how it goes.  This is what I wrote Sunil this morning:

I have noticed over the past 24 hours that as disturbing-content thoughts arise ("clouds"), I am easily noticing/remembering that they are just thoughts ... voila, they subside without any effect. How can it be this simple????!!! Yes, I do feel a mild background "apprehension that this looks too easy" and again, just more thoughts. So far, so good. No suffering here ...

Thank you again and again for what you are doing.  It is a miracle.
Much Love & Gratitude,  D

Ilona
That is awesome news, D! I'm delighted for you! Sending big hug and a huge smile.
I guess, soon you will be joining LU community on Facebook. And even if you don't use it now, it is a great way to connect and share with others that crossed the gate.
Much love.

D
Hi Ilona,
Yes, it is!  It just blows me away that it could be this simple!!  Geez ...  Hug & smile received, sending hugs your way :)

Thank you for the invitation to join the LU community on Facebook!  I actually went to the LU page on FB now, liked it (I'm learning!) and then sent a friend request ... at least I think that's what I did!!  I'll try to figure out the rest, it would be wonderful to connect with like-minded/hearted others :)
Thank you again for everything!