Monday, 10 September 2012
Being Alive Is The Biggest Miracle Of All
This was one of most remarkable conversations i ever had. It was beyond wonderful. A seeker of 40 years, at 83, finally is free from seeking. What a gift to be of service in such a journey. My deep bow to Harriet.
Our last conversation was via FB as hearing the London Meeting audio tapes had started an unprecedented flow of happenings that seemed be an acceleration and continuation of a process of deconstruction and falling into not knowing which started following the "death of the seeker" some 3 years back.
It was clearly a miracle to stumble onto L.U. and find that there were others who awakened out of the dream of "states" and who could actually articulate what I never spoke to anybody about.
On your blog Marked Eternal I started the steps and you helped me thru a huge fear state that came up with the gut realization I did not have a mind. Our FB dialogue helped me look behind and see what the fear was protecting. Since then so much acceleration is going on. Most notably I know what is meant by the phrase you used in the Batgap interview...."things just fall into place on their own" This seems like a definite assurance the Flow dipped a Toe into the Flow and I Know its So. Heh Heh
I assume you did not get my request I posted on The Forum to proceed with your help and since this "happening" seems to be rapidly unfolding on its own, please do not feel obligated with your duties of helping to birth this movement of L.U. as it takes form in this historical moment ...the leap of evolution whereby humanity is poised to alter course into the unbelievable and unimaginable dawning of freedom from the paralyzing grip of the belief constructs of a non-existent self.
Oh shoot that sounds like a lot of BS words but I wanted to verbalize my amazing joy even if crudely and way too word, but It just seems so astonishing to see the dawning of this in my lifetime.
Sorry for so many words, to try and articulate what I cannot really say but that's the flow too that has no prob with it. and believe me I don't either since it happened on its own Halleluia
In Joy and Gratitude
Something is gaining momentum here such that I am busy writing down all the amazing ways I am experiencing my existence in ways I just COULD NOT HAVE made happen. Its only in retrospect that I see the miracle that boggles my mine because I KNOW I could not have made it happen. Example: I was dog sitting a brand new client's home/dog. An intruder was already inside. I reacted with fear and anger and reaction. I noticed the eyes of that person. At that moment everything changed in my behavior and I won't describe the details that unfolded because it was so ordinary BUT we ended up embracing (after I shared my apology for "trashing them so badly". When the stranger asked me to not tell the owner of the house, about it, It was perfect I didn't need to. No one was harmed and the dog that got away I was responsible for (when he intruded) a stranger appeared with the dog on the leash .... he was looking for the owner and found us.
There are so many effortless happenings that I only register AFTER, but sometimes during this new way of being, I notice I am not behaving in the old ways and the outcomes are amazing. Even thoughts come like a download that are not my thoughts and I seem to "catch" the difference between knowings and thoughts that used to think they knew ...... I the thought I need to tell somebody about this miracle happening to me IS JUST A THOUGHT and my old desire to go talk about it is gone. My mind doesn't even go to try and figure anything out. I KNOWS it can't and I'm THRILLED to see when it tries and I can feel, experience directly no matter what is painful, scary, joyful, etc.
I really am going to trust that what has been activated here will unfold and I have the Forum, The Book, and all the people who are post-gate who share on L.U. to share with.
I an sooooo excited for this historical breakthrough of L.U. via two jargon-less lovely ladies instead of the hyper-masculine organizing it as did happen in the past.
All my rejoicing its happening for humanity so sweetly and unobtrusively and spreading in its own intelligence with post-gaters
What can I say but thank you . Trust is arising in me that knows I will know in the moment (without thought) because its happening that way and beats just accepting "What Is" which has been a way of life for me for a long time.
Long live L.U. heh-heh
hi Harriet, i left a message for you on the forum. ( you can read that part there).
this email of yours has blown me away.... life is the best and only true teacher. the synchronicities, the mysterious events are working so well to show what else needs to be seen. you are really going trough some amazing time.
can you say, that shift has happened or is it still going on? what do you notice now?
how is the body feeling?
yes, knowing that everything is unfolding as it should brings a whole new flavor to life. looks like you getting a great taste of it!
sending lots of love to you.
I forgot to address the questions you asked in this e-mail.
Without beating around the bush, I crossed some kind of threshold, like literally feeling as if an invisible force plugged me into a totally different reality.
That is not an exaggeration. Is it ongoing. Yup, can't stop it, can't stop the wonderment and the dimension of how every facet of my life Example: Life just like before but after a happening my jaw drops as I notice miracle after miracle. I can't believe its like Life works without my thinking about it and it works so differently I simply can't keep up my journal where after the fact (end of the day) I write down these different levels of changes in how I look out at the sky, get stuck in traffic and am in awe I look about and see so much in the moment that in the past I would have been bored or impatient or thinking about being late..... none of that stuff happens and yet, it is as natural as breathing. Everything amazing to look at, hear, even car honks. Always amazing at something so simple that can explode joy for no reason.
Listen, I feel I could tell all these things to anybody have some astounding things happening on many levels. There is no cause to try and explain this to anyone, not even Adyashanti my old teacher. But I LOVE expressing my wonderment to you as you won't mix it up with just another awakening shift. I've at least two big ones during my 40 years and many lesser ones. BUT L.U. is NOT in the same ball park.
How is my body responding. ? I do Zumba and the steps come easier in being taught, the movements are more energetic without tiring as much. Its very noticeable and delightful at 83 to see this rejuvenation. I was hardly what you call "normal" for my age to start with but this is ridiculous. I don't need much sleep and wake rested and in the past, groggy and get up slowly. Ha Ha Now when I awake, I lay there and recognize how I have an entirely new life and can't understand it and something (Not me) moves the body to get up. I may eat or not.. I don't eat just because its breakfast time Ha Ha
Well, I'll ty to figure out how to communicate with you via the Forum and it would help if you could let me know if you received my first set of questions and my replies.
I am so moved that you will stay with me as you mentioned in that e-mail. Something unbelievable is happening here and not all roses. Today, I man was angry because he thought my car was the one that left a mark on a new paint job. He was nasty and it wasn't me. No defense arose in me and I was not afraid of his loud voice and red face and accusation that was not true. Guess what ? We ended up leaving the parking lot with his saying to me politely, "You could be more careful" Ha Ha it wasn't even me and I told him I would. This is just NOT my old personality. Its so fun like being in an adventure without knowing what is up next.
A feeling of guilt arises for daring to write so much to someone with so many others to respond to ......that word g-u-i-l-t is really a sensation in my body like it contracts and my feeling is uneasy.....so nice to see it rise, not get caught and see it disappear all one movement effortless. I frickin' know I didn't think or feel it. Yikes.
Dear Kind Friend
Please forgive me, I feel compelled to tell this to someone and I'm not so sure of myself in how to post and receive posts (deleted my replies two times now. i don't want to delete this unknowingly.)
I am dissolved in tears of overwhelmed intensity with the impact of this simple statement (reading your book just now) I don't know why I can't stop crying but i seems it wells up unbidden and more tears come realizing it not only does so without a "self" BUT the overwhelming impact of these words....(Bruno: pg 35) "Life is just observing Itself" I felt the tsunami of emotion so unbelievably rising.... I can't hardly see these words I am typing thru uncontrolled surges of tears with the knowing as this experience unfolds its NEVER been me ..... Just dear, sweet, beloved, gentle, unharming, peaceful love observing its creation with outstretched eternal arms with no past present or future. How thunderous but unharmful is the impact of Life experiencing Life thru this experience that I can call me and not struggle with the label at all.
These tears that won't stop are not mine its Life experiencing Itself so intimately as me. I don't mind the label "me" anymore because I am so clear in this moment at the immense and unfathomable beauty of what I called "my life" has dissolved into the thundering, gentle joy of struck with the truth that Life (my life) is and always has been "The Beloved observing Itself thru what I used to think was "my existence"
Ah the tsunami of realization and emotion subsiding and morphing always into a new and fresh "Life observing Itself" How magical and easeful the body/mind/psyche comes to rest in no thought particularly. So will close.
Now I "get" why L.U. came into being Life wanted to wake Itself up to its own Mystery thru us. Sorry for the word "us" We need a new language. Ha Ha.
I think I am ready for final questions because what ever rises and passes in that dance between us will be Life observing and loving Itself ,,,, so what to hesitate about.
Sorry about my techno confusion using the Forum..... (I'm in a learning curve and still trying to figure out how to send and receive our posts. P.S I am getting the hang of falling away and watching Life work in a magical way without such heavy baggage of a "me" phantom :-)
Yeaaahhh, all is one movement expressed as different roles. It is life that is waking up, can say that and at the same time there is knowing that these words can never express it truly.
There is weirdness of how to use the language once this is seen, but, this is the only language we have and it's no point to get weird with it. We can use I and us and know that there is nothing behind them, you will get used to it, hehe.
Here are the questions for you dear,
Please answer in full when ready.
I would like to say that 3 family crises have erupted on the scene since I received your final questions and require some attention, so I will send my answer to the first question and take you up on your words to take my time to reply for the remaining final questions …..(to be continued).
Is there a 'me' at all in any way, shape or form. ? No way, never was.
That being said, I also could not find a "me" during the Adya non-duality years, but that didn't mean I was free of it. Even when the search ended, it was taking credit for the surprise and relief that the search ended all by itself. The me" had nothing to do with it. Not until LU was it discovered I didn't exist.
So No, there is no me at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form. No there never was ever, nor is there anything that could possibly be separate from anything else.
I might add that its obvious that a line has been irrevocably passed in my life as I experience the chaos and drama of family issues I used to retreat from. Now without effort I seem to know what to say, what to do, what NOT to say and NOT to do …where to keep quiet and when to act. This is all happening without me trying without self-doubt, or worry for their suffering. Surprisingly a lot of compassion instead. The reflection i get back is people are helped and grateful. That is such a blessing. Not fun to see their suffering, but grateful I don't add to it as in the past.
Is it okay to use your blog e-mail until I can learn how the Forum format functions for this dialogue better ?. Are there written instructions for computer challenged people like me ?
P.S. I don't feel like an "outsider" in the world anymore like I have been welcomed to Reality 101 heh-heh …
Throat tension, chest opening, tears falling in gratitude and landing at your feet.
Sending you a BIG hug.
And tears come to my eyes too. So delightful to read that you saw it. So sweet to hear that... And yeah, being in family crisis situation really reveals that something IS different. Loving your family now can be free of judgments about what is going on and it gives them chance to relax around you. So sweet.
Will wait for your other answers. And once I get them all I will put them on my blog, so don't worry about the forum. All good.
Love you Harriet.
Have a great day. And, welcome to the flow. :))
Ah, how sweet it is to celebrate my passing over with you. Thank you for the hug and welcome home to where I never left (grin).
I wrote about 40 minutes of words that when I re-read them were boring and I find myself less interested in trying to express my ongoing experience of the awe and wonder of this new life post-gate in words. So I'll just get to it and try and answer question #2 instead.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works.
It appears that for the newborn baby studies show that it seems to have no knowledge that its being is separate from the mother, the breast. That seems to change as the brain evolves into the next phase of evolution where the boundary between mother, breast, child is morphing into a new mode. Baby becomes aware that what we all crying will bring the breast and ease the discomfort of hunger and I imagine more subtle morphing happens connecting a mother's angry face or rough handling of its body etc. so maybe that is just the preliminary stages before the big Kahuna of language sets in motion a spin that demands the attention of the baby that in order to survive the increasing chaos of its changing world, survival demands that it pay attention to the vocalizations that seem directed at it in particular.
To add to that, we know that most mammals do not have such a prolonged period of total dependency on the parent for survival of the body, compared to the human and that helpless state for the human infant for such a long period, may contribute a factor, because there is so much going on in the brain development of our species, it needs that increased dependency period. That could add a factor of insecurity ?
That put aside, I think what little understanding I have, it would seem that the big factor is language when the brain starts to hear vocalizations that come from the caregiver (the source of survival) that the brain miraculously informs the infant of a more sophisticated threat to survival and the need to pay attention to the vocalizations (words) and language is learned. Soon, its clear when the mom smiles and vocalizes Billy and taps him on the chest, it won't be long until Billy gets it: " Oh, that has something to do with me" Reinforce that over and over and it soon comes to the conclusion "I am Billy" The word becomes his identification away from the primordial fact of his being.
That is a major learning rupture and soon to follow will be the vocalizations from the throat of Billy's survival hope, to learn Mama and Daddy words that point to that outside his own perspective of being Billy. The rest is more of the same, compounded by ideas (memory) beliefs, imaginations, thoughts looped into emotions (felt in the body and threatening survival), according to individual programming/ brain wash..... which now butts up against other separated programming and the truth and beauty and magnificence of our being gets veiled. Even those who in the past saw the truth behind the distortion, were hard put to get others to see what they could only put in words. It would be inevitable that the duality of language was a poor tool to convey to already programmed minds the inconceivable and unimaginable glory of what the Buddha tried to say ...... Emptiness is form and form is Emptiness.
Well, that's what came out.
I am so happy to be post-gate in dealing with family crises and the head clearing enough to see I make a difference compared to pre-gate (but it ain't me ha ha) Will get to question #3 but I love my time alone at the beach or redwood forests to leave language behind and feel my creature nature, so welcomed by life and welcoming in return. Thoughts recede so far back at these times in nature and when I realize, "Oh, Bruno was right..... Life is observing itself in this moment as me, for me thru me, no separation....no big deal. Its that way for everyone whether they know it or not, Life doesn't mind, just keeps on giving more life.
Much love and joy in being alive ....also the gratitude energy rises in direction to you for understanding these squiggly words from where they came from. Lovely to share that gift with you.
I'll try to make this brief as I see that you have been inundated for requests for your time from people viewing the Batgap interview. So happy there is a cadre of post-gaters on LU to assist you and Elena.
3) How does it feel to see this ? Describe in detail.
Any sense that there was a mistake in all the suffering I endured in an abusive childhood, all the lost potential, all the trauma, fear, failed suicide, and struggle to know the truth about WHY has magically come to rest in a profound awe that somehow radically alters how life is living "this thing called Harriet" now. Harriet can be here but unleashed from an identity I was unconsciously glued to. I no longer seem glued somehow to beliefs or ideas, or thoughts or feelings.... and I'm NOT trying to deconstruct those concepts anymore, they are clearly not mine and can arise but so what ? Its sort of a miracle to see I can still be Harriet AND be the unknown and un-named force behind Harriet. I just love in your book where Bruno realizes "Life observing itself" That is sort of what it feels like to me and the thrill, the actual experience of looking into someone's eyes and see it looking back with no middle man called "I" cannot be described ...... so ordinary (Harriet) and so unbelievably sublime ? same/same. What a conundrum to the thing we call mind and how obvious in reality as I live in the moment post gate.
I could give detail after detail that in this critical and chaotic time for family from which I feel no resistance to retreat from (as pre-gate) I am carried like on the wings of life that responds in ways that I can see I am not doing (as Harriet used to) and yet not separate in any way from what I call "Harriet" or "my sister" or. her fighting daughters, her psychiatrist, her doctor etc. The metaphor of the wave makes perfect sense here
There is a magnificent, superb and sublime intelligence governing this thing we call Life and we don't have to figure it out to live it. It lives itself and seems this earthly dimension is a place where we can wake up out of the painful unconscious tread milling of our life into a radically transformed perspective that somehow causes the world to reflect back to us a whole new reality that could be named Flow doing itself consciously, unlike pre-gate where change/flow happens but OMG pretty unconscious. (smiles)
Well dear Ilona, that wasn't very brief, but its such a privilege to tell this to YOU. I want to add that my life isn't without a stumble into a thought that grabs me and a chill of sensation hit the chest or gut BUT the realization "I" did not cause this rises if the body sensations alert me to a sense of confusion. What a beautiful release and relaxation and trust comes from the experience. In fact, sort of gratitude to be put to the test and find I don't exist Yahoo
My love as always
beautiful. thank you for sharing this. lots of appreciation here for you too.
looking forward to the rest of answers.
Hello again and greetings from No Who Here (just kidding) but I re-listened to the London meeting and realized why I was a complete drop out with the Ramana inquiry Who Am I ? question. I tried and tried and all it would do was cause more trying and more thinking "Who am I" ? So when you told Ian its a faulty question because there is no "who", I cracked up big time..... Who would dare to question the validity of Ramana's famous question ? It just seemed obvious after you bluntly told Ian its a faulty question because "there is no who" I love to laugh and I was all alone and couldn't help giggle that I didn't "get it" the first time I heard you say it.
Okay, enough blah blah
How would you describe it to someone who has never heard about this illusion but is curious about it?
My first thought was "I wouldn't" Then I felt that was rather flippant and seriously tried to think ways to make it as simple as I could and not use spiritual jargon. I tried again yesterday and too many words. So I want to be honest, I could describe it in many way with words and its lifeless and trying harder is NOT an option for me, soooooo to be honest Ilona, I would wait until they asked me again and again and when I saw they really wanted to know, I would share with them my experience of going to the LU website, meeting a guide, reading the book and it became clear its not communicable in words (history seems to bear this out) BUT it appears something new has come to this planet in opening a simple, direct and easy way to see thru the illusion of a separate self, not by telling people about it, but giving them the guidance to walk thru an experiential finding it out for themselves.
The only description that I sort of liked maybe because everyone loves music: Is when we listen to a song if there were only the lyrics and words, we might argue differences of opinion forever, but miss the song itself which is carried on the wings (so to speak) of the symphony of sounds, moods, rhythm, cadence, color, wonder. One day the switch is found to the source of sound and the miracle of music (song) is obvious without arguing about the lyrics.
I'm having fun seeing how I make up stories after the fact of a "happening" and delight that I don't have to dismantle the story, it can be there but the joke and light feeling is it just another "happening" and I don't believe it like its true and need to have others to go along with the creation of memory, thoughts or whatever comprises the content of so called story. In a way its an incomprehensible and inconceivable miracle how the brain does such a thing. I understand completely how you say after awhile since we don't take our story seriously, we can play in the drama, have a good laugh, (or cry) and listen to other people's stories and no problem.
It's a huge embrace of everything rising and passing and not burdened by the phantom sense of "I" making a problem. Like nobody at the wheel but the astounding awe and wonder, its happening anyway. How could anybody imagined this possible pre gate ? That's why I'm not compelled to talk about this to anyone but you, but it could change too.
Many weird nuanced whisperings that what I felt was my individuality (like a strand) has merged into a bigger fiber called flow which is just the beginning of a whole new dimension since post gate. Don't like to speculate but I don't see and end to this flow.
Love to you this moment
nice. and yeah, who would question if question "who am i" is faulty or not. hahaha, i did...
same like the Descartes' i think therefore i am...
ok, please send me your last answer.
after that you can meet the others. :)
Just wanted to reach out. I was reading your book and wasn't expecting such overwhelming grief to hit simply from a deeper recognition of I am not here. Literally. It feels like when my beloved dog was brought back from the vet, dead. The loss was too much to bear for a child. This intense bodily experience of grief happening now is unbidden on realizing more deeply I am not coming back EVER. I never was here. When we first worked together and it "hit" me, the feelings I associate with fear and terror rose, but I was with you and it knew it was just happening and there was some relief in that knowing, but this loss, is intense Ilona, I feel like I am dying while still be alive and I don't want to, and the grief is that I can't go back, I have seen too much. Even now part of the grief is I am powerless to the next second to influence it.
Everything....everything....everything in me and all around me in the world is just appearing and passing away on its own. But what tears me apart is that I think I loved the person I was like I loved my dog and could not bring him back. That is so sad. I know this is the miracle of feeling rising on its own and there is some solace that it will pass and something else will rise and pass away on its own in my unknown being which seems some comfort to trust the miraculous even if it brings such intense bodily energetic waves of what feels like I'm not here like I used to be. I am glad I reached out to you. It is so unlike the Harriet that used to be who would retreat into the depths of my own self for safety in my aloneness. I am glad I reached even though it still comes in waves, I trust whatever this wild madness of loss is. I am aware I am not dying physically....something more like the loss of my only friend that was with me thru all my past. Gone, gone, gone.
Thanks, Ilona I remember you saying I could write you if I needed to. I am sure I didn't need to but like all..... it just happened and so this intensity I could not have predicted by reading a few words in Tom/Ilona dialogue set this off and it feels like its winding down like after a storm.
Now comes the old habit to try and figure it out, but nothing rises, so I'll have a cup of tea and listen to the night sounds (I live close to the ocean)
Yes, I know the feeling.. I had that too, but it's only a sign that release is happening on the deeper levels. It will pass. This phrase is always a great support when something like this surfaces- this too shall pass.
This is part of cleansing that comes with disillusionment.
Sending love. And a hug.
Ah, thanks for the info. I figured because it was so intense and provoked by something you said to Tom in your book, that is was all good, but whhhh it was fierce. Thank you
I finished the last and final question and I think you mentioned after that you would enable me to meet other post-gaters ?
This is quite amazing what LU is doing, I would like to send a donation. Is that possible ?
Much love and lightness
oh, ok, i got it, the last long email was the answer to the last question. thank you!
yes, there is aftercare, and to get you in there i will need to post a blogpost with our conversation, get other guides to look through and see if they have any questions, then if no, i will invite you to the groups. we are friends on fb already.
can i have your permission to post our conversation on my blog, it has been quite a journey and it is a delightful read. i am so honored to have been a guide for you.
as for donation, that is soo kind of you. much appreciation for you for even offering that. hmm, we haven't set up an official organization yet, we do not have a structure, nor donate button. this keeps coming up, and some time later we will have to do it. it does take lots of paperwork and time to register non profit organization. we are so busy working with people that haven't taken time to do it yet. i guess this is what makes LU different.
there are other ways to contribute to LU by writing testimonial, review for the book, by being part of creative projects. but if you really wish so, you can send a donation to my Paypal account, on firstname.lastname@example.org, that would be used for paying hosting fees and other fees that come up within our projects. it would be warmly received with love.
thank you harriet. the journey continues.
Lovely one, I am all choked up for reading your response of today.
I so celebrate your being bringing LU to the world on a radically different and fruitful format, person to person, outside the money changers into the hearts of ordinary people who have the ears to hear without all the historical baggage clouding something so simple.
Yes, I will go to fb and thanks for making me a friend. The concept of "aftercare" is genius and I feel like I've found my tribe :-))
Yes, of course, feel free to do what you will with our conversation. It would be lovely to even think one person would benefit..... that would be make me happy.
Being alive is the biggest miracle of all..... it constantly blows me away I got to taste this before I actually leave the body behind. Thanks for the Paypal idea, that makes me happy too.
I was humbled to see that you have donated such generous amount of money, thank you so much! It really touched my heart. You are the first one, that has ever done so and you are now part of LU history! On 17th of September is our one year anniversary, since the forum and website has been launched. It has been an amazing year, LU has grown so much and is reaching out to more and more people.
I'm sharing the money you sent with Tina- she is our web designer and she is so speedy with everything. around sixty, lovely lady that lives in Texas. When my both computers burned out, she kindly sent me her old laptop. :) she is paying fees for www.gatelessgatecrasher.com created it herself without being asked.
And also Derek, he recently organized and completed the project of LU app, enlightening quotes, he also had to pay for the registering it. now we are working to make these quotes into audio files, that people will be able to listen.
Thank you with all my heart.
And just to let you know, you can write to me any time. I'm here.
Love you, Harriet.