Tuesday, 23 November 2010
As childhood goes, it was a happy one. So let's skip it here and move on to school years.
I always felt different, I had to be ahead of everything, best at everything. I had to test myself at various subjects and got lots of trophies for achievements in mathematics, literature, reading poetry, I liked drawing, dancing, playing piano, you name it. School was pretty boring to me, it was too easy.
I chose to study psychology at university. Just wanted to know, why people behave like they behave, what drives a human, why there is so much pain. I got disappointed with university and got into depression on my first year as I saw that it was pointless to memorise theories of other people and I did not see any use from them how to interpret life.
At this time I started to feel, that there is something odd going on. I was scared of myself! I felt that lots of times I would do something completely opposite to what I wanted to do, like something inside was choosing what to say and it wasn't me. Words would just come out and I would think, WTF... So I started to experiment. Any time I wanted to decide something I would drop a coin and do the opposite to what it was saying. Life was fun, I did not need to decide anything, just let the coin to decide. I lived without worries, not thinking about the past or the future, staying in the now.
At the same time I was studying brain. That was the most fascinating subject. How does it work, where are the centres for different functions, how does mind work, memory, perception, interpretation, intuition...
I was obsessed with mind.
I met my husband after 3rd year at university, I was 21. We are still together :)
A year later we came to England. It wasn't easy and it wasn't fun. The beginning is always tough.
My husband was tattooist when I met him. Who knew then that I will follow his steps. My first reaction was "no thanks, tattoos are not for me". Still laughing now.
So 8 years ago I was just starting to tattoo, we both lived far away from family, both working through life, trying to make sense.
And then some magic happened. We were given some magic mushrooms by a friend. All day was special. I have written a letter to my parents saying thank you for everything and releasing them from blame for my unhappiness.
That night was magical. I saw that there is a different reality, unity, peace, feeling at home, no thoughts, I felt the energy running through everything, I saw that nothing is the way it seems, I felt that I could fly... And when I went to lay down in to the darkness I experienced death. It was so real. I knew, I'm not coming back, it was a bit scary, but exciting at the same time. There was this moment when I went into nothingness and a single tear run down my face.
There was no me.
And then I was back again. How strange.
Everything changed. I experienced something that I did not know, it existed. Connectedness and oneness, freedom from thinking. So I set up on a journey to find home.
First step was anger. Lots and lots of anger. I was feeling betrayed by people because nobody ever told me about this. I was restlessly searching Internet in a quest to find out what's real. Sleepless nights, arguments, pain. It all calmed down when I saw, that nobody could tell me anything because there was no way to understand this, it had to be experienced.
So this was my wake up call. Experience of awakening, that was the starting point to search for freedom.
I started enquiry. WTF is going on. I started digging. First dig was ancient civilisations. I red this book "everything you know is wrong" which opened my eyes to different interpretation of evolution. I understood that there is nothing set in stone, it is just a matter of what books you read. I saw that with reading different books I accepted different points of view as my own. Then a next book would would give a different opinion and again, I would take it for granted, till next opinion.
I came across Mayan calendar. This was fascinating, as it was started 3114 BC and it pictured life from a perspective of synchronic order of time.
I dove into the studies of time and consciousness.
My thinking was, if it's true, if everyday day has a different energy which comes back in cycles, I would be able to see it. So it began. I got a notebook where I started to write how I felt on a day, what questions were arising, what was the general mood and then check that with the calendar.
The first day of notes fell on the first day of Mayan new year, July 26th.
Ok, I thought, interesting. So I went deeper studying patterns, synchronic events, people's signatures, Mayan mathematics, cosmic history. Very interesting. It's like a weaving of patterns, where I found myself as a part of the whole, always changing, never the same. Everyday was bringing me closer to realisation that it is history that is unfolding. We are just playing parts, designed by evolution itself. Fractal time. Synchronic order.
I saw synchronicity everywhere. It is how I see the world. It just is. Like a program that runs us. I always felt a sense of mission.
But first I had to help myself in order to help others. So I thought that by improving myself, I can achieve peace and experience less pain and then I could show others how to do it.
I read Osho, Richard Bach, James Redfield, I got into yoga, mudras, crystals, meditation, holosync, binaural beats, gealing music, detox and the rest. I really thought that if I do this or that it will make my life better.
It never did. It was the same- some good days, some bad days, laughter and tears. Joy and pain. Awareness and darkness. No matter what I did, this pattern never changed, till now.
At some point I got into Robert Scheinfeld's model and I was going deep into creating more and more illusion about who I am and what reality is. 9 months of following this only made me to realise that there is no such thing as getting somewhere by following somebody else.
Amazingly Robert recommended Jed McKenna. I thought, yeah, another know it all guru, that is gonna save my life.
I read Jed's trilogy in 13 days. This was another death that I experienced while being alive. It completely destroyed all that I knew was true. All beliefs went to nothingness. I was born again. That was the last book that I've read, there was no desire for more info. I knew that the only way out was through.
I started feel depressed again. Crying a lot which seemed for no reason. Inside parts of me were falling of.
I lost hope, faith, meaning, purpose, all I saw around was bullshit. Nothing made sense anymore. I saw humanity in a deep shit and I saw that nobody is aware of that. Just living painfully lives, not trying to get any clarity.
My existence became meaningless.
I called for death, I knew intellectually that self is not real, only I could not see it yet.
That was painful time. Stripping layers hurts. Seeing how everybody is trying to hide the void so nobody would notice it was painful. I felt alone. Hated myself. Hated the lies and did not see the truth.
At some point things started to change, that's when we booked a holiday, I relaxed, I new that I can not change what is, that the only true choice I have is either to go with the flow or against it.
I chose the path of least resistance and was following the signs. Pain lifted. Yes! This is it, I thought, dropping resistance is something that realy works. Releasing started.
Holiday was great, spa, healing thermal waters, nothing to do, but be, enjoying whatever is. There was a huge flood then and it felt like a lot if shit was just being washed of.
The day the holiday was over I found Ruthless Truth forum. It was amazing: these people wanted truth! I felt like this was a right place for me. I signed on as 315 (electric eagle) and my fight begun. It was just a last push I needed, the realisation of the lie of self. What Jed started, Ciaran finished. "There is no you, look." These were fierce days of fighting in the arena back then. Anger and hate was the fuel to set the lies ablaze.
The lie of I exposed. Pufff
It never occurred to me to face the truth directly. I knew that after stripping all that is false down, it's only what is true remains. I went painful way, cutting trough bit by bit. I realise the value of facing the truth directly and once it's seen taking the path of least resistance, allowing the bullshit to fall.
So yeah, I'm out. No more ups and downs, no more owning anything, no more personal pain. It's indescribable freedom.
I live with my beautiful husband and a cutest cat, I love what I do and I take every day as it comes :) smile is back.
The flow is all there is and I'm not separate. There is no me. Just life. There never was a separate self.
The character is still here, playing out the human history show. There is no actor that moans about the role. There is no witness. There is no judge in a head which decides who is right and who is wrong. All just flows.
Mind does not belong to me, neither does brain. I see brain as an areal, receiver and transmitor, all functioning as expression of higher order of life through synchronicity and time.
Consciousness, awareness are not mine to own, neither I see that I am awareness. It just is. Seeing is. Life just is.
It's such a relief to know that I am not in charge, that I can just be, just let life take me where it flows.
Home is here, right now. Where it has alway been.
Let life guide you and once you reach the gateless gate, step forward. There is no you. Embrace freedom.
The only thing that separates you from oneness is you. Remove yourself and oneness is all there is.
I'm here to tell you: Time is now. The wave of awakening is like tsunami, there is no way escaping what is.
......... The end. .........