Tea:
Hi,
Rita Friedman sent me, and I really need your help to see things clearly.
I'm only 21 yoa but people tell me I have an old "soul". I study
chiropractic in Atlanta, but I am originally from Norway (lived in the US a
year now). I've always been "working on myself", but I want to be
free from this illusion. I am currently reading your intro book, and I
understand a lot of it intellectually and can identify with a lot of the
stories. Can you please help me with questions and guide me through this so I
can get rid of this "I" identity and be free?
Please.
Thank you,
Ilona:
Hi Tea.
Thank you for email.
Yes I can work with you, but I recommend to read at least half of the Gateless Gatecrashers book
before we start. It gives you a good intro in to this inquiry and you can
answer some questions for yourself before we start.
Email me when you are ready.
Kind regards.
Tea:
Hi again,
I did what you asked me. I understand that there is no "self"
intellectually. However, I don´t see it clearly. Please help me so I can stop
searching and "working on myself" - which apparently is bullshit. I
am afraid that it will be hard for you to understand where I am at and what I
am trying to explain, based on my lack of vocabulary and experience. But thank
you in advance for trying.
If there is no "Tea", does my body and mind have a personality at
all? Or is it the soul that comes with it that has my "personality",
while my body and mind just act from stimuli, learned behavior patterns and
inherent response system (autonomic n.system etc.)? I feel like if I am not
real, nothing else about "me" is either. How can I relate to people
or influence people if the universe is expressing itself in a certain way
predetermined? I am afraid I won´t be able to relate to people/have a
"normal" conversation after this, because I am seeing the truth and
everybody else is living a lie.
Free will, law of attraction etc. is just rubbish? Everything is just a
flow of life being expressed? So if "my" being eat chocolate instead
of salad, there is no way I can"choose" which expression to happen
later (gaining weight or losing weight)? I am confused. Haha.
You say that emotions, like thoughts, just happens; come and go. What about
the feeling I hope to have for my future husband or whatever in the future. How
can "I", say for example marry someone and expect (or not expect..)
life expression/situations/experiences to create a feeling of love for that
being/entity of life for the rest of "my" conscious life here?
I am probably futher back than most of your clients, and I apologize. But I
really hope you have the time and energy to help me and I promise I will help a
lot of people too.
Ilona:
Hi Tea,
Thank you for email.
We can start working and forget about all questions for now. We focus
on one question only- is there a me, I, separate self that life happens
to.
We will start from fresh and all I need from you is write every day.
Regardless if I answer or not. If nothing to see check in anyway. This will be
your space for your process. This process is your own. You do it for yourself,
by yourself. I'm only here to hold focus and as a few questions that you may
miss.
While in the process stop reading anything you read and watch any videos
about awakening. Stop even going to forum. You need to start thinking for
yourself. No second hand descriptions are going to help.
If this is cool with you and you commit to the process we can start.
First question-
What do you expect that seeing through illusion is going to bring you. What
do you want from this
Why are you looking to wake up?
What you do not want to see?
Make a list. As in
1.
2.
3...
Investigate deeply and sincerely. Remember, you do this process for
yourself.
Sending love.
Tea:
Hi it´s Tea. I have to answer you on this email account because I cannot
open my hotmail..
I can agree to do that. Do you also mean the forum for LU?
So.. To answer your question:
1. I want to see the truth (no
religion has been able to give me a fair picture of the world, even though I
definitely believe in a higher organizing power)
2. I want to be free
- From old thought patterns and
behavior patterns that don´t serve me. I want to be able to step out of a
situation and react to it based on truth
- Stop taking things personally
3. I want to love myself and people
around me unconditionally and look differently at the world (have empathy for
all beings and be able to help people in a different way through chiropractic
and showing people a way of living life free and to the fullest (emotionally,
physically and spiritually))
4. want to feel less “bad” feelings;
jealousy, stress, frustration, inadequacy etc.
Even though the feelings might not go away, I hope enlightenment will
make me become able to separate those feelings in the way that they will not
affect my cells negatively (for example give me muscle tension or fatigue, drop
in mood etc.). I want to be in a relaxed, free, state, full of vitality and
flow. I don´t know if this is true, but these are my ideas of becoming
enlightened.
However, I have to tell you.
Ever since I started reading the intro book and on the forum, I´ve been in the
weirdest mood: I´m starting to become such an observer and actually withdraw
myself from people and class and I want to be alone and go to bed early. I feel
tired and like life has no meaning if we have no "say" in it.
Ilona:
Hi Tea,
You can read anything on LU or my blog.
And keep reading that book. It's
all connected. But best to leave all the
rest on the side.
1. I want to see the truth (no
religion has been able to give me a fair picture of the world, even though I
definitely believe in a higher organizing power)
Good, you want up see the truth. Or do you want to see what you believe to be
truth. That is quite different.
2. I want to be free
- From old thought patterns and
behavior patterns that don´t serve me. I want to be able to step out of a
situation and react to it based on truth
It's not that all conditioning melts away, it's still going to be there,
this is a first step in clearing it.
Starting from the core of illusion- belief in a separate entity me.
- Stop taking things personally
It will still happen. And seeing does not change personality of the
character Tea.
3. I want to love myself and people
around me unconditionally and look differently at the world (have empathy for
all beings and be able to help people in a different way through chiropractic
and showing people a way of living life free and to the fullest (emotionally,
physically and spiritually))
This is heart opening that you speak about.
It may or may not accompany realisation. So don't put this as a goal.
4. want to feel less “bad” feelings;
jealousy, stress, frustration, inadequacy etc.
Nope. These feelings will be coming up till conditioning that triggers them
is cleared.
Even though the feelings might not go away, I hope enlightenment will make
me become able to separate those feelings in the way that they will not affect
my cells negatively (for example give me muscle tension or fatigue, drop in
mood etc.). I want to be in a relaxed, free, state, full of vitality and flow.
This is magical thinking. Realisation does not give you states of
relaxation. And everything is seen as flow, including tension and stress.
There is nothing outside of flow. All is one movement.
I don´t know if this is true, but these are my ideas of becoming
enlightened.
Thank you for your honesty and sincerity. This where all expectations need
to be left on hold.
Seeing is never going to be what you imagine. So lets take a fresh
look.
However, I have to tell you.
Ever since I started reading the intro book and on the forum, I´ve been in the
weirdest mood: I´m starting to become such an observer and actually withdraw
myself from people and class and I want to be alone and go to bed early. I feel
tired and like life has no meaning if we have no "say" in it.
Hmmm what if we don't?
What would be lost?
But it's not that no one is listening to us. It's because what we think we
are is not what is actually happening.
There is no you at all. As in zero.
Look:
Does a flower have a meaning?
What does a tree mean?
What is meaning of a cat?
Explore this deeper.
Sending love.
Tea:
I can see that. I´ll let go of all expectations regarding waking up..
What would be lost?
Well, my drive to help people/have a positive influence in this world will
be gone because "I" don´t have a say in how things flow. My drive to
grow as a human being. I understand what you are saying, that we are all one.
But it doesn´t fit into all aspects of reality. I mean, I have a free will to
keep going in this process or not? I guess I have a hard time putting all the
pieces together and seeing the big picture.
The meaning of life to a flower must be to grow, express life at it´s
highest potential (survive every input from the environment) and then make sure
that it´s seeds are spread to continue the life circle.
Same with the tree and the cat.
Are you saying that we are like a tree and a flower, just a different
expression? Why do we have a higher entity of consciousness and ego/thoughts?
Life doesn´t have to have a meaning, life just is. However, I think one of
the basic human needs are to contribute and grow and without that, our
"soul" die slowly..
Thank you.
Tea:
Hi again,
I had a talk with Rita and things got a lot clearer.
Everything is happening the way it is supposed to go and it´s not that we
don´t have a say in it, it´s just already been decided. All my
"choices" are the right ones, because they are just part of my
journey. So now I just have to let go of the illusion. Or see it for what it
is.
Please help me, Ilona.
Ilona:
No. Nothing has been decided. All is
happening just because, no plan, no reason, no nothing. All is arising spontaneously co-dependently with everything else.
Choice happens, labeling it right or wrong happens. There is no you to let
go of illusion. You are the illusion. I
is just a word, a label, it is not a manager, chooser and it is not having a
journey.
Write what feelings and thoughts come up as you consider this
seriously.
Sending love,
Tea:
What do you mean by choice happens? But there is no chooser?
Choices are made by my body and mind based on conditioning and experience?
Before I recognize it and label it as "my" decision? Is it always
like that..? What about the times when "I" go back and forth before I
make the decision?
What thoughts do I get? I get frustrated because I can´t see it (and prob
b/c my ego i shattered.. haha) But when I sit back in my chair and close my
eyes, I see that I am not in control of anything going on in my body. So why
would I be in control of my mind.
Ilona:
Hi Tea
How is it going?
There are a lot of questions in your email. How would you answer them all?
Keep digging.
Tea:
Hi. It´s busy. So I am trying to look, but it´s hard. The "I"
thought is everywhere and in everything. It´s so well integrated that I don´t
know where to start.
Ilona:
The I thought is not going to go away, it is part of language.
But is it the I that is looking or looking happening? Regardless of how
it's labelled.
Make no mistake, it is not easy to start to use your own mind, but here is
what you do, you answer your own questions. By yourself, for yourself.
What do you mean by choice happen? But there is no chooser?
Choices are made by my body and mind based on conditioning and experience?
Before I recognize it and label it as "my" decision? Is it always
like that..? What about the times when "I" go back and forth before I
make the decision?
Answer these one by one. That would be the start.
Tea:
I´ve been to a seminar this weekend so I haven´t been able to reply. Sorry.
However, it´s been good. I was able to step away from a couple of situations
and insTead of getting caught up in the story of it or react to it, just be and
feel and see. There was just looking happening. Wow. This is freedom.
Tea:
Hi again,
Everything is so smooth :) I am not worrying about the future (even though
I didn't have time to study anything this weekend for example), because there
is only the present moment and everything is happening as it is supposed to. I
am becoming more and more aware of the now, and there really isn't any
"me" that is choosing. I can see that now :)
It´s freedom at a different level. I am not trying to fight anything,
control anything or understand anything (dwell). Life is just unfolding by the
moment, and I (the character Tea) is happy to be a part of it.
Ilona:
Oh great! Nice to hear.
So do you exist?
What is really happening?
Much love.
Tea:
Yes! What is really happening? Life is happening. The body and mind see,
look, feel, breathe and take actions. It is a fine machinery that express life
in every moment. I am not in charge of anything, because I don´t exist Time
and others concepts, are just that - concepts or illusions created by the human
mind and accepted by the "I" identity. There is no past or future but
only here and now. All my sensations are heightened and it feels like life is
happening slower, more calm. It´s not always in harmony, but it´s not supposed
to be either. It is what it is. Every sensation and feeling my body is receiving
and interpreting is done automatically by the body and mind. I don´t have
anything to say, because I don´t exist. However, every time I recognize that
the I/ego is nourished or shattered, I step back and look at the thoughts and I
can see that there is no me and that I don´t have any control because I do not exist. Life is great!!
Ilona:
Sweet. So can you say that seeing through illusion of separate self, I has
happened? If so, are you ready for the final questions?
After you answer them I will invite you to join facebook groups where you
can meet others and participate in LU community.
Tea:
Yes :)
Ilona:
here are the questions. Please answer in full when ready.
1) Is there a 'me', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there
ever? how about self, is there anything that is separate from everything else?
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts
and how it works.
3) How does it feel to see this? describe in detail.
4) How would you describe it to somebody who has never heard about this
illusion but is curious about it.
5) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look? was there a
specific moment when seeing happened or was it gradual? what exactly happened?
looking forward to your answers. :)) no rush.
much love
Tea:
1) No there is not a “me/I” in any form or shape. There is no “me” living
life, but more so life living me. Life expresses itself as the entity “me”,
with body, mind and soul/consciousness. The body and mind decide how to relate
and act upon the surroundings based on habits, conditions and interpretations
of sensory information. The consciousness (directed focus) is what precedes us
to think that “we” are in control of our actions, therefore label the thoughts
as “I” did that or chose that. There is no separate “self” either. There is no
“self” or “me” in any shape, form or quantity.
2) The illusion of a separate self is an illusion that we are being given
from our environment, parents and friends from our early childhood. When we are
born, we are just experiencing the world, being completely present and just
observing and feeling without attaching anything to it. We see the world as a
complete whole, which we are a part of. We are not separate from the word
because there is no ego attaching stories to the thoughts and actions we take.
Later in life, we are taught that we are a separate person (called by a special
name, that are supposed to live and behave in a special way) that is held
accountable for his/her separate actions and rewarded likewise. There is an ego
created in the person that want to take credit for everything that is happening
to the surroundings and the body, so that it can be in control of it and feed
off of it. The ego makes up a story about everything (past incidents, future
illusions that can happen or the present moment) and attaches itself to
everything. E.g.: “I lifted my arm”, “I yelled at the neighbor”, “I won the
prize”, “I thought about going for a run” etc. The person is now living in the
illusion of a separate self from the universe. It is not true. That´s it.
3) When “I” see the illusion for what it is, everything calms down/slows
down. If there is a situation going on, I am able to unwind a whole spiral of
emotional and behavioral patterns and see that it doesn't really make any
sense. It feels liberating and very safe to “continue” life in the present
moment. When I see past the illusion, I am not worrying, not dwelling, not
making up stories or trying to explain anything. I am just seeing the reality
for what it is and it is getting clearer and clearer every day. It feels
effortless and like everything is floating at that point in time. Often
sensations of joy and excitement or relaxation also occur and thoughts are
being observed and feelings are being felt. The thoughts change pattern and I
feel connected to life. To what is real in this moment and only the sensations
that my body and mind are having.
4) Our ego thinks it is controlling everything that we do, think, feel, and
say by creating an illusion that we are separate from everything else (people,
the earth, the Creator, etc.) and in control of our “world”. There is no “you”.
There is no “separate self” that are making decisions and affecting the future.
Because there is only life in this moment, and you as a separate entity is a
part of that.
5) The seeing through the illusion happened gradually, and pieces were put
together everywhere into a bigger picture (while my ego was getting more and
more angry and frustrated). When frustration was happening, I sat down in my
office chair and decided to just ask myself questions about the reality and
look if it was true or not. A lot of the questions you sent me were helpful.
The observation of reality came clear to me slowly but steady. Everything that
is happening is happening whether I am “controlling” it or not. The controlling
part of it is just the ego wanting to satisfy itself and being in control. I
also went to a chiropractic seminar on Network Spinal Analysis (a technique)
where we can feel and see “spinal gateways” for different subunits of the body
(emotional, structural, etc.) and on the advanced patient demonstration the
instructor did, the spinal gateway (access point into the sub-consciousness in
the spine) was so far out of the body that there was no longer a clear
definition on where it ended or started compared to ours. The instructor said,
“Now you start wondering if there is really any clear boundaries between you
and me at all...” We are all one! And when seeing through the illusion is
happening, I feel abundant and complete. What I am trying to write is that ego-
thoughts of jealously, lack and greed is gone, because there is no need for
that because lack in “my” consciousness will be a lack in everybody’s
consciousness (and vice versa). That is why this work is so important because
we can elevate the consciousness of the whole world by seeing through the
illusion.
I have no idea if you understood a word about the chiropractic technique
sentences I wrote… It was just a contributing thing to actually see that there
really aren´t any physical boundaries between us (it´s a well known healing art
within chiropractic: Network Spinal Analysis. Check it out if you want to
online)
Ilona:
Hi Tea, close, but not through yet. There are some points where you still
trying to see what you think it's right, but not seeing what is.
So let's keep investigating and clear those last beliefs and expectations.
1) No there is not a “me/I” in any form or shape. There is no “me” living
life, but more so life living me. Life expresses itself as the entity “me”,
with body, mind and soul/consciousness.
So it appears. But is there really a body, mind, entity, soul, consciousness?
Is experience happening to a body or body itself is experienced?
Is there anything separate? Are there objects? Look deeper here, without
language, without labels, are there objects?
Is body separate from environment?
The body and mind decide how to relate and act upon the surroundings based
on habits, conditions and interpretations of sensory information.
This body and mind, what is it that drives them? Is there an entity in the
bag of skin that decides anything?
The consciousness (directed focus) is what precedes us to think that “we”
are in control of our actions, therefore label the thoughts as “I” did that or
chose that. There is no separate “self” either. There is no “self” or “me” in
any shape, form or quantity.
What is us that think?
2) Is there an ego that makes up a story?
Does ego exist? Is it real? Has it got power to control?
Investigate deeper.
4) Our ego thinks it is controlling everything that we do, think, feel, and
say by creating an illusion that we are separate from everything else (people,
the earth, the Creator, etc.) and in control of our “world”. There is no “you”.
There is no “separate self” that are making decisions and affecting the future.
Because there is only life in this moment, and you as a separate entity is a
part of that.
Do you have an ego? Does ego have you?
Is there a separate entity at all? Where is a line that closes an entity?
5) What is ego?
Tea:
Thank you for feedback. Observing the emotions that come up when I read
your email. Disappointiment. Frustration. Clarity.
No the entity of a separate body/mind/consciousness is just as separate as
a tree from a flower, or a rock for that matter. They look different with a
different purpose, but they are just life expressing itself in the present.
Same with the body and minds of the human nature.
There is no separate body and mind, there is no separate in any form.
The ego is part of the illusion that the "I" identity make. There
is no ego because there is no "me". It´s just a way of expressing the
"I" thought that attaches itself to everything in the belief that we
are separate from other forms of life expressions.
Life unfolding in the present moment is what seems to "control"
the body/mind. E.g.: the heart rate or decisions we make. However, there is
nothing else than the present moment, so there is nothing
"controlling" anything. It is what it is. E.g.: heart rate in this
moment: 62. Heart rate in THIS moment: 62. In this moment: 63 etc.
So there is no decisions made anyway. Because there is no decision-maker.
Only the way life is expressed in that moment. Time is just the illusion we see
of present moment unfolding.
Thank you, Ilona
Ilona:
There is no separate body and mind, there is no separate in any form.
What is it that makes them appear separate?
When you dream at night, are these objects and people separate or all is
one dream material? How is waking life different from a dream?
Are there others?
The ego is part of the illusion that the "I" identity make. There
is no ego because there is no "me". It´s just a way of expressing the
"I" thought that attaches itself to everything in the belief that we
are separate from other forms of life expressions.
Life unfolding in the present moment is what seems to "control"
the body/mind.mind
Nice.
:)
Tea:
They appear separate because of a thought that point out an apparent
physical difference. The thought is just a thought, that is being built on.
This is what makes the illusion of a separate self and a separate body and
mind. There is no separation, only different expressions.
In dreams, everything is kind of mooshed together. There is no
line/separation between anything. I don´t know why we call that a dream, when
that is truly how the reality is.. Just unfolding, playing in the moment.
Everything being one.
Ilona:
cool, that sounds clearer.
but let's look a little bit more. you say thought makes form appear
separate. that is true. but what kind of thought? if you look at how language
is constructed and look at subjects and objects place in verbal expression,
then look at reality and tell me, are there any objects that are doing action?
please do this exercise, it may help to see where i am pointing to.
Tea:
The thoughts that are labeling things and explaining things makes them seem
separate: That is a dog. The dog is barking.
All of that is part of the illusion. Yes, you can see past the illusion and
the same things can be described: Barking is happening.
Therefore, nobody is doing anything in order for life to happen. No
objects, person or entity is doing anything. It is just happening in the now.
What an interesting exercise. That´s how we really should be explaining
things, but I guess we have to use the labeling in order to communicate with
people... haha
Ilona:
Yes, language is a tool for communicating :) and there is nothing wrong
with it, once it seen that division between objects is not how reality is. :)
How is life last few days? Is all clear or are there any doubts? How does
it feel to see through illusion and has anything changed?
Sending love.
Tea:
Exactly! It feels so good to see that, but once in a while a feeling of
incongruency to use that language too, because a feeling of feeding other
people´s ego appear. Do you understand what I mean? Compliments for example.
Wishing everybody could see life for what it is.
The days go by, nothing has changed except my perception of how things
work. I don´t feel attachment to situations, people, food, work and
achievement in the same way that I used to. Feelings of truth, richness,
openness, balance, relaxation and piece appear often. No fear.
Going back to the now/checking in with the truth and seeing through the
illusion happens frequently throughout the day and that´s the best part. Being
able to stay more connected to the present moment and "feel more"/notice
sensations. It is what it is.
Love. it.
Thank you so much!
I know I have more shedding to do, and I really appreciate all guidance I
can get.
Everything happens at the appropriate time :)
Thank you,
Tea
Ilona:
Hi Tea,
I see that you crossed the non existing gate with both legs :) i'm so
delighted for you. And yes, this is only a beginning.
Can I put our conversation on my blog? It may help someone else who is
looking and I could get you into Facebook groups. There is a lot of support
between members as everyone has seen the same.
I can use your name or whatever name you prefer.
Much love.
Tea:
That´s fine :) You can use my name too.
Very cool.
Thank you, thank you :)
No comments:
Post a Comment