And Then, No-Santa Came Along

I still have lots of people emailing me after the Buddha at the Gas Pump interview, which is great. But please, before writing to me asking for help, read the Gateless Gatecrashing book, work with Enlightening Quotes App, get some questions answered by yourself from Start Here page. I'm here to help, but the work is yours to be done. Write to me when you are Ready.

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Really enjoyed this conversation..

A:

Dear Ilona,

Thank you for everything you are doing for all of us.


I read your blog and followed the impulse to write to you, hoping that you can guide me. I hope this is OK.


I went through the steps that you suggest on the blog, let me summarize what has come up, being as honest to myself as I can.


STEP 1 - CLEAR THE PATH


When I sit with the thought that there is no self at all, there is a feeling that I am a fuzzy concept that is mysteriously grounded in what seems like a solid body. There is curiosity as to what is on the other side of no-self, everything is possible. I don't know who is speaking, who is coming up with these concepts. A sense of trying to solve a riddle that has no solution, spinning on the same spot.

I see a "thought" that sees thoughts that see thoughts, a feeling of tightening in my stomach, making its way up to the throat, the heart is uneasy.

A fear of losing my livelihood (or idea of livelihood since I don't really make any money now). A fear of what's next?

There is a thought that says: there is fear, there is cramping.
Then there is a thought : there is seeing of fear and seeing of cramping
Then there is a thought: who feels the cramping?
Then there is a thought: what a surprise to find fear!
What is fear itself? A physical sensation of tension in the stomach, up through the heart and to the throat
What is this fear protecting? It p rote cuts the status quo. There is fear of the unknown AND protection of the state of not knowing (the truth). What a paradox!
Also the deep feeling that this is very important and can not do it wrong, maybe I'm not ready yet...
Fear is protecting the small self. Wait a minute, this doesn't make sense. There is nothing to be protected!
What is behind the fear? The belief that there is something to protect. Who is afraid?


STEP 2 - STRIP AWAY ALL EXPECTATIONS

I am mostly incredibly curious. Can I really attain it? Is it really possible to live without a self concept? How is that? What does it taste like, feel like, look like, relate like?
I expect it to be the end of seeking, peace, freedom, Understanding, Knowing...

STEP 3 - GET IN TOUCH WITH REAL

Imagined is a concept, the boundary between concept and reality is very fuzzy

STEP 4 - I IS A THOUGHT. THOUGHT DOES NOT THINK

Some thoughts come from nowhere, other thoughts are a consequence of the previous thought.
I can not control my thoughts.
Thoughts may be influenced by a level of Understanding and Knowing
I don't know what my next thought is going to be. Sometimes this is fun, being surprised by the next expression
I'm not sure if a thought can be stopped in the middle. Sometimes thoughts simply stop.
I don't know anything for sure.
A thought can not think. There is a witness of the thoughts of thoughts that I don't quite dare call I but it seems to be the furthest and deepest I can go and doesn't seem to be a thought.

STEP 5 - THE GATE

Mind is labelling, doing its usual thing, without effort. Everything happens by itself. Yet there is still a sense of separateness that can not be comprehended but is experienced.

Thank you again.

Much love
I:
Hello A,

Thank you for email, and all the answers that you sent me. Good work. I see that stage 3 needs to be clarified, so let's get to the point.

Real is that which is experienced. Sensing, feeling, thinking, seeing, hearing, all that.
Imagined is what mind creates as an image. Imagine Christmas now, close your eyes and feel the Christmas, watch how body reacts to that image. Hold it in your head and observe how the image of Christmas targets certain feeling. Then open your eyes and see, what IS here now? This is real, the image is fantasy.  Look at memories, dreams, past future, all that is imagined. Also Santa, fairy, batman, unicorn- imagined.

Write what you notice.

How about me, is it real or imagined?

Sending love.

A:
Hi Ilona,
Thank you very much for replying. Happy, happy :-)

When I close my eyes and think of Christmas I feel uneasiness (tightness in my stomach) about all the gifts, Xmas carols, then I see my family gathered around the table and I feel blessed (my heart feels mushy and expanding). It takes a while to get the image, the feeling and sensation come first.
For quite a while now I am not able to imagine or dream of the future, it is totally blank. Only with great focus do I reach the past.

Here now is experiencing the room, the wind in the trees, a cool breeze in my face, peace, quiet, mind looking for answers, fingers typing, a thought that  all that is observed, observing of all those thoughts.

And you are more imagined than real...

Much love

I:
Great. Now look at you, are you real?
Write a lot.

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Conversation here goes through several emails. 

Hi Ilona,

hi A :)


A: It feels great to be communicating with you. Thank you for taking the time.

I: you are welcome.

A: Wow, this feels great! Discernment, staying with experience. Thanks a million again. I am so very very grateful!

There is a conglomerate of atoms, molecules, cells, etc that interact and interconnect in a coordinated and miraculous way to form a body.

I: this is learned, in your direct experience, you do not see atoms or cells, there is this body that can be experienced right now. that is seen right now.

A: So the body moves, senses, performs functions that are basic for survival, and responds to stimuli external (heat, cold...) and internal (thoughts, memories). 
There are emotions that are expressed through the body.

I: yes, emotions are felt.

A: There are thoughts that arise, seemingly the body is a hub for them.

I: ok. this part needs to be checked, "seems" is not a good enough word in this inquiry. are thoughts contained in the body? check this closely.
where do the thoughts come from and where do they land?

A: thank you for pointing this out. Seems means it is not clear. I'll keep looking.
Thoughts are experienced in the head but don't always arise from the head. Some thoughts are consequence of a linear progression of thought, others come from memory (story) others come out of nowhere. They land in the head and can trigger an emotion or reaction in the body.
There are sensations that occur through the body. The body is an instrument, as much as a microscope, that sees, hears, smells, tastes.

I: yes. there is perceiving.

A: There is interpretation of the sensation, as pleasant or unpleasant, an object assigned the concept of a chair... Maybe mind interprets, whether mind is body, I do not know. If seems to have a life of its own.

I: ok. is mind body? if it is where is it?

A: If the body remembers thoughts, and responds to story, mind is body. This maybe learnt as well. In my experience I can't locate mind in the body. But thoughts land in the head.

There is something that experiences it all, observing. Or there is observation, that seems to occur through the instrument. Can it be experienced without seeing, touching, thinking, emoting? Does this experience take place if there is no body? I don't know.

I: good questions here, see if you can answer.

A: It is as though my eyes serve as eyes of the observer. Observing can happen through other eyes and the experience is different. Observing happens anyway, it is life itself. This may be a thought...
There is understanding that every aspect of the body, which is real, is connected to everything else within the body and everything else.

I: good.

A: Am I real? If real is what can be touched, smelled, sensed, the body is real. Everything else seems to be an illusion, for it can not be sensed. 

I: nice.


A: Who is I? Everything that arises? Including the objects of observation? The Observer? It seems that things happen without a controller, but all is experienced through this form, and observed, meaning that there is witnessing of the experience as well as an experience.

I: i is not who. there is no who. there is observing, witnessing, experiencing, raw sensations, but there is no who. there is no subject doing action, but only happening.

A: Observing happens but it still feels personal, or it has a unique perspective when experienced through A. Observing through A's husband must be different... Seeing his thoughts and feelings, not seeing A's. Observing could be likened to having a video camera inside A's head that processes all her thoughts, feelings, sensations. It sees that A feels that story is real. I think the camera could be the act of observation but it still feels like A is observing bc it observes what A is going through. I can't crack it... Still there is tension in my stomach... I can't distinguish between observing through A's individual experience and no-self (or self). Maybe that observing is just another thought...

It is almost as if the body-mind instrument is run by software that programs the responses to stimuli, interpretations of data introduced in the program as thoughts. It also programs the belief that the instrument is independent and can make choices. And the observer is watching... or what happens to this body and around it is a dream and the dreamer is the observer.


the dream is nothing else as thinking and being focused on thinking process, while body is doing something else. what happens to the body is what is. thoughts, judgments about what happens, is a dream. i call it story, it is less confusing as we do dream at night too. so there is story being narrated constantly and it is not necessary about what is happening right now, but also about past or future. all story is imagined. 

I agree with this as a thought and experientially sometimes. The story of self through A is still present and experienced as real.

But I can not separate the experience from the body-mind. Sometimes it feels as though the body's ahead of the mind. The body is hungry, the mind doesn't feel like eating. They are somewhat separate. The mind wants to dream and plan the future, and it simply doesn't happen, there is no ability to imagine the future.

I: good stuff. body does it's own thing, mind only reflects. is mind the driver of the body?

A:Sometimes it feels that way. When I say I'm going to stand up and the body stands up. Otherwise the body runs without the mind. This is tricky...

A: thank you for pointing this out. Seems means it is not clear. I'll keep looking.
Thoughts are experienced in the head but don't always arise from the head. Some thoughts are consequence of a linear progression of thought, others come from memory (story) others come out of nowhere. They land in the head and can trigger an emotion or reaction in the body.

I:Let's look deeper here. How do there thought come from memory, are they not about memory? All thoughts are coming from the same place- look again, describe what you see.
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A:
I'm glad everything is well with you. I'll do as you say, I'll keep writing as I experience. Often I can simply imagine what your question would be, which doesn't mean that I have an answer.

These are my reflections from today. I have been writing everyday and there is movement, not there yet... Hopefully you can catch the mind trap that keeps the experience from being experienced.

Something clicked a couple of days ago when I was reading a thread on the Liberation Unleashed site. A guy, in conversation with you Ilona, saw that he had been seeing for a long time, just didn’t realize. So he said: This is it? I have wasted 25 years of my life seeking something that has always been here, so simple. Fuck Jeff Foster and Adyashanti…
I had the same feeling. I have wasted my whole life trying to attain something that can not be attained, finding my true purpose, my place and role in the world... Everything has been on hold for the longest time. I couldn't define work area, partner, nothing… only seeking, trying to understand. Mind getting in the way, thinking: if there is no understanding there is no liberation. And it goes on and on, more trying to understand what can not be understood, but only experienced….

Last night I watched a movie called “generation um”. It was about 2 young girls taking drugs and getting drunk all the time. There was no thinking, no striving, just living, things just happened. And it looked, felt so wasteful. What wasted lives! How is this different from liberation? 


I: Is there a thinker? Where do thoughts come from? How do thoughts come from memory? Are they not about memory? All thoughts come from the same place… keep looking

So I try to find out, let's look at a thought… No thoughts arise… and “I” can not control that, “I” can not make thoughts arise. Nothing, nothing

Next time I try to find a memory, let’s remember something from the past: nothing comes up, nothing, nothing… and “I” can’t make it come

Another approach: a thought comes this way and it’s grabbed. Ok where do you come from? And the question keeps being asked many times… where do you come from? where do you come from? where do you come from? where do you come from? Nothing, nothing, nothing

No-thought can't be controlled so the no-control over thoughts is better seen as no thoughts arising when thoughts are wanted. It is the negative of thinking of a pink elephant when asked not to think of it.

Thoughts are experienced as passing by, they are not brought about by me. They are observed, like clouds passing in the sky. Some other thought form sometimes says it is “I” that thinks, but it is just another thought. The voice in my head is thought, simply passing by. There is no thinker, simply witnessing of the thoughts.
Most thoughts come from the thought of the past or future, or they are an interpretation of a current event.

The world is very much experienced through words, images are turned in to words, and remembered more as words than as images, sounds are also experienced in words, physically experienced and transformed into words, words are sometimes, mistakenly, considered thoughts when they are really an experience…
Some thoughts are related to A’s experience, to the eyes, ears, body, feelings that A experiences, the instrument through which this experience is experienced, but there is no “I” that holds those thoughts or experience.

Today there is frustration because it can not be discerned whether this is thought or experienced. It is seen but not sure if with the eyes of the mind or simply seen. Nothing has changed. It feels silly that there was ever ownership of self, of experience, there is lightness of being, relief… AND wondering, is this it? It can't be... Where is the trap?

I'll keep writing

Much love to you Ilona.


I:
hi A,

yes it is so simple, that mind sometimes refuses to accept it as this. it loves to complicate everything, create and solve problems, so it may be threatened by the fact, that there is really nothing to figure out, so it tries to hold on to whatever it can, so it would not disappear. funny thing is, it does not disappear, it only gets clearer. thinking slows down and there is a deeper sense of peace. yes, all search is about ending the search, but when there is a real possibility that it may actually end, there is panic, as there is so much invested in that searcher identity, that it is difficult to even consider the possibility for it to be waste of time and life. everyone is different, your experience is unique, trust that. all is unfolding as it should.

so you see that thoughts come from nothing, that you are not the thinker, that you are not in control of thinking. good stuff.
how about doing? does any action requite you to be done? what is not on automatic?

look into this through the day and write what you notice.

much love


A:
Hi Ilona,

It's interesting that you mention that thinking slows down. Words of sages have started to not make sense, they're more felt than thought about. There was tiredness about reading and understanding their words. Understanding happened in some other way, like a knowing of what was trying to be conveyed. So, no more reading or YouTube, FaceBook. No more mind search, no interest. I had to read what you wrote 4 times and I'm not sure it's sank in yet. Like some connections in the brain have been unplugged. Very interesting experience.

The idea of a me is so abstract that there is a very fine line to discern, what could be me?

These are some examples:

There is a thought to call a friend whose dad died recently. And the call was made and there was a beautiful conversation and interaction. Who called? Did I need to be there to make the call and talk? No. It all happened by itself. The thought arose and the action came after the thought. Thought followed by action, it just happened. It occurred through A, the conglomerate of thought, feeling, sensation, action. No, it's not me, it's simply happening.

On another occasion there is a thought: "it's time to write the document", and no action follows, no writing. New thought: "you really should write the document now, it's about time to get it going", followed by "better call the man who is presenting at the event you are organizing", calling happens, a lot gets accomplished. New thought: "you should have been writing the document"...

New thought: "these scarves need to be washed", washing happens.

A friend calls: can you pick me up? And this is experienced as simply another thought, coming in through another person. Action happens, There is driving to pick him up... There is no difference whether the thought comes from what appears to be within or from without, action or non-action follows, just the same. No emotional charge either way, at least in these instances. No sense of ownership.

Automated action occurs very much in the same way. It just happens. 

Non-automatic actions that have been observed were preceded by a thought, therefore, when looked at, it is easy to mistake the thought for I, but it is just a thought.

As I type here, there are birds chirping, cars driving by, the sun warming up my shoulders, patterns of shade and light all over, all of it is experienced. Either the light has been very special or the colors in the garden are very vibrant today, it's noticed and revered.

What used to be thought of, felt and sensed as self is now no-thing. There is no sense of ownership of thought or feeling or sensation. Thoughts were the last to go. Life history is just a story, meaning that it was made up. Things happened but interpretations were made up. The search of life purpose was seen as an activity of the ego a while ago, now it is the activity of an invented character, truly an illusion. There is a greater purpose for the Universe

But, Ilona, how can it be known that this is not just another belief? Tia is what it sounds like: "There is no self, what used to be considered to be the self is now no-self..." A broader belief has replaced a limiting belief. It would explain the relief and the constant validation of the belief through experience. Or is this the mind holding on? This thought keeps arising...

Much love,

I:
brilliant, i can see you are staring at it. passing through nicely.

ok, what is this no-self?
is there such no-unicorn or no-Santa that can replace unicorn or Santa?
can this no-self replace a self? has self ever been real?

there is no self at all as in zero.

all action either arise or does not then get labeled and made into a story. where would this no-self fit?

look deeper here. you are so close, the shift is happening already, notice that. is anything doing the shifting? is anything witnessing it? is there a who?

write what is seen, describe it.

sending love.

A:
Laughing....
Will write tomorrow.
Sending love

I:
:))
Hugs

A:
Hi Ilona,
I was laughing when I read your message last night. I had read that same message on the forum several times, but it hit the chord last night. How silly!
No-self does not exist. It never has. Self is a story. There is laughing and smiling at the silliness of it all. Mind makes up a story of a self that is so good, that mind believes it's true and spends lifetimes trying to figure out how to transcend this character, to tame it, make it think the way it should, operate and create exactly what it desires, and failing miserably because it forgot that it is just a story. 
Not only that, but when it starts to see or remember that self isn't so, it creates all kinds of new stories to support the original story.  The mind is a genius con-artist!

No-self doesn't exist so it doesn't arise or not. It is not. Nothing directs what A does or experiences, it's not up to anything or anyone. It is. It happens. It's done. It's felt.

Nothing is doing the shifting. There is no shift because there never was a self. There is witnessing of what happens, it is seen by no-one, just seeing occurring.

An image comes to mind of a headless body running, going about its businesses usual without a head. Story is gone. Nothing else has changed, there is calmness and lightness, excitement to see what unfolds next, how or if A's life coaching business and relationships will shift. How does trying to achieve or change something fit in a world where there is no one to achieve or change anything? Even at a deeper spiritual level...

There is a feeling that life starts anew.

I:
Oh wow! That was delightful to read :)))
 The story keeps going, but it is seen for what it is- a story. Nice.

How is your day going? Is there any doubt? Is anything different?

Describe how you feel.

Lots of love.

A:
Dear Ilona,
Everything is the same. No fireworks or great insights.
There is no self and that changes a lot but changes nothing. No non-dual experience where everything is fused with everything else. Just a recognition that there is no ownership and the recognition that everything is one, everything is connected follows. There is still a body and a chair and a dog. What was seen as separation is now seen as made of the same substance. Like the substance that a movie is made of, all movie stuff, all appearing on the same screen, the same movie with many different characters and special effects.

There are questions like, really? Is mind so powerful that it created a whole illusory world of many I?  And bowing to Creation. I mean, the idea that there is an I that owns thoughts and feelings and sensations, that feels there is a purpose and strives for it, that seeks and tries to do good is pretty amazing, and even thinks that this time around it is making the calls and is going to change the world and how the universe is run. But the crooked idea that it is all an illusion, that what is seeked is always present and always was, that the meaning that was assigned to personal life was an invention, the imagination is so wild that it twists the mind, it deserves a very good movie, and a huge price. No wonder mind can not get around it, it would never want to accept it. It did it to itself. It's like an organism turning enemy of itself.

There is really not knowing what is next. How this new way of seeing will shape the experience, what will happen next. If what happens, happens, does seeing affect what happens? If what is, is, what is A going to do next? It is even more exciting than before. Totally unknown territory. As if it was ever known...:-)

There is still non-interest about reading emails from sources I used to really enjoy. 

Now, while fireworks would be something to talk about, an experience to be remembered forever, this it can no be said when it started or when it happened. Seeing the obvious last night, about non-Santa replacing Santa was a crack up. That will be remembered.

How are you Ilona?
Much much love 

Ahh, one more thing.
It does feel like a new beginning, not an end. End of story. Beginning of Life as what is.

I:
I'm am great, thank you! Have been answering messages for the last our or so, it's delightful to read yours. No-Santa is the hero of the day!

Feeling lots of appreciation and sending love to you, A. Welcome to the sweet flow, where nothing can be known but all is one mystery. What you describe is what I see too. Nothing changed, but all is different because the filter fell, the mind arrived at resolution, that there is no enemy. All is equally made of same stuff. :)- life just is.

Let this sink in, relax and enjoy and tomorrow I'll send you some more questions. That is if you are ready for the final ones.
Precisely. New beginning. This time - the fun ride. :)

A:
Yes, let it sink.
Last questions? No more receiving messages from you?
Many doubts are arising.... Where to start? Mmmmm
:-P

Happy no-no-Santa day. That is the real trick!

Looooove

I:
Oh, don't worry we will keep in touch and there is a whole community on FaceBook, many friends are waiting to meet you. All of them have seen the same and the sharing, help, support is incredible.

The questions are only to make sure that you have really seen what I'm pointing to. It's not the end, but only beginning- you know that already.

Tell me about doubts. Are they yours?

Much love.

A:
Thank you Ilona, for everything. This is really amazing and fun. Looking forward to the questions.
There are no doubts. Just joking.
Have a good now and now and now...

I:
hey A,

here are the questions. Please answer in full when ready.

1) Is there a 'me', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever? how about self, is there anything that is separate from everything else?
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works.
3) How does it feel to see this? describe in detail.
4) How would you describe it to somebody who has never heard about this illusion but is curious about it.
5) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look? was there a specific moment when seeing happened or was it gradual? what exactly happened?

looking forward to your answers. :)) no rush.

much love

A:
Hi Ilona, here are the answers to the questions. Enjoy!

1) Is there a 'me', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever? how about self, is there anything that is separate from everything else?
There is no me, and there never was. There was/used to be a perception, or better, an interpretation, an illusion of being a self. 
There is no self, the world and everything else is experienced through a particular set of lenses: thought, feeling, senses but there is no sense of ownership of that experience. Everything arises in the same space, made of the same beingness, life force, arising moment to moment. Material objects are not seen as transparent or fused with everything else, it is more as though the same beingness, livingness, space (trying to keep non-spiritual language) is exploring through all the forms and eyes, ears, sounds, thoughts, movement or stillness. So, everything is made of the same fundamental matter and fundamentally the same beingness. All is the same one, interconnected, interrelated. An image that expresses some of what is trying to be conveyed is that of a white fog that pervades everything, outside and inside, going through the eyes from inside to outside and outside to inside, to where inside and outside are not different, there is no separation between this body and the iPad on which letters are being typed. No separation between thought and typing. It's light and clear, movement and stillness, all sorts of creative expressions are possible within this fog.

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works.
The illusion of the separate self is a firmly established belief that everything that is experienced through this body-mind is about me. Thoughts are interpreted as mine, emotions are mine, pain is mine. All those things occur, did occur and will continue to occur but they do not occur to me. We learn this from a very early age and everything around us validates the belief: society, parents, philosophy, relationships, etc. The mind creates a story about a character and then it believes that it is true, adding to the story every time it believes it or takes it for granted. So it defends its existence right and left, above anything else. Everything in life is taken personally, good is considered better and more desired than bad, pleasure rather than pain, things happen to me, are done to me, so I am personally involved in everything that occurs, it affects my perception of life, it limits my experience. It is a great source of suffering. This belief is just another thought, a story, therefore not personal. What feels personal is the attachment to that belief of there being an I. 

3) How does it feel to see this? describe in detail.
It feels like a great relief, then, of course, this is how it is, it is just so! And very very natural, as if it was always known, seen. It's like loosening a tight belt from the waist and being able to breathe deeply without constraint, once again. And the belly feels bigger and bigger, there is more space and freedom to breath (and it doesn't matter, there is no concern about not fitting the pants later! This is a joke:-). Another image that I have mentioned before but is starting to fade was that of a headless body running around doing business as usual, as if nothing had happened, not noticing that it doesn't have a head, perfectly functional without the mind. Everything is the same for now, yet radically different. It's a shift in perception. The experience is there, but it's not happening to me, it's just happening. There is no doer, deeds are done, things happen.

4) How would you describe it to somebody who has never heard about this illusion but is curious about it. 
Only if asked or if someone is desperately seeking I would ask questions, much in the way you did, pointing and discerning real from story, mind from self, so it can be realized in their own experience. I would speak of Peter Pan and his shadow (see below), and no-Santa...

5) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look? was there a specific moment when seeing happened or was it gradual? what exactly happened?
I had been looking for a long time. Truth being told, deep inside I didn't think that I'd be able to see this lifetime as much as I would have liked to, that was apparently for more advanced wise sensitive people. I was moving ahead, but no-self seemed too far. Many things were happening under the radar: desire, ambition, have-tos and should dropped, mind became more and more still, emotions were not as extreme, attachment to this and that was loosening its grip, the experience of love in all relationships changed to a no-worry zone no matter what happened, body and mind got disconnected, mind did not have or attempted to have explanations to everything, the need to find solutions to perceived problems collapsed, there was a deeper acceptance of what is. Sensing was deeply refined: colors and shapes were more vibrant and alive, sounds were fuller, it felt like the inner senses were waking up an inner electrical current constantly running and calling on my attention, taste was turning into an explosion of flavors... There was an understanding of oneness, but all this was witnessed and filtered through what I thought was a self. Changes, shifts, were seen and experienced but all clouded by the belief that non-duality, no-self was not being realized because there were no kundalini, or non-dual, unity, peak experiences. It didn't seem to be for me. Mind was creating its own limitations from its limited perception of the world. Just like mind was attached and obsessed with the idea of a self, it was obsessed with liberation from it. Something deep was not making sense. But mind could not solve its own conundrum at its own expense. It had to be seen, and for that, mind had to be dropped.

And then I learnt about you, it seemed so simple and accessible  that the first email was typed, no questions asked, no hesitation, it just happened. And you wrote back! It was amazing! Could this really be happening? The first shift was when you pointed out that mind was speaking learnt story, that discernment was needed. Then there was no interest in reading or listening to gurus or wise wo+men, that was interesting to see, a whole way of life totally dropped without trying or effort, interest vanished, words felt too complicated and empty, too many concepts...  Mind kept staying in the way till the end, pointing out the negatives: no-desire, no-ambition, no-self saying that those were also beliefs that were now taking the place of the opposite belief, the belief of no-self taking the place of the belief of self. There was resistance to accepting more beliefs, no matter how broad or all-encompassing for they are still limited. And then, no-Santa came along. It was great, I was laughing. Happy no-Santa day! How can no-Santa or no-self be anything? It is simply the absence of, zip, zero, no-thing! That's it. It was like seeing the fox that had been eating the eggs from the coop day after day, and catching it, only to see it dissolve in my hands as the story that it was, realizing  that it was all a dream! Or Peter Pan trying to catch its own shadow... Yes, Peter's shadow (remember how it didn't follow Peter, it went its own way...) was the mind going on its own journey, making up its own story, uncatchable, unreal! It all happened by itself. In the same way as no-desire, no-dreaming had settled itself without desiring it, striving or effort. It just happened.

One thing that was extremely important was to have guidance, to trust that you were pointing and holding my hand, knowing where and how to get to no-gate. There was total trust, and that melted the mind down, there was no need to figure anything out, we were being guided.

Thank you Ilona so very very much for the beautiful journey and wise guidance. The unknown has a more exciting and natural dimension to it, not knowing what's coming next, moment to moment. Infinite creative potential, limitless possibilities, not constrained by a limited view of a self that must create and do. Everything is effortlessly possible, it's the end of striving, it's time to enjoy the ride full force.

A sea of deep gratitude pervades everything, I am gratitude, the birds' song is gratitude, the deep blue color of the clear sky, this body, mind, experience is gratitude. Being is experienced as gratitude now.

I: 
Thank you!
I so enjoyed reading this.
*bows

Please, can I put this conversation on my blog. It will be of help to someone else. I can change the name if you prefer.

We have aftercare groups on Facebook, I would like to add you there. Things come up, questions still arise, the group is wonderful, everyone has seen the same and help each other after. Please friend me so I can invite you to meet new friends.

The journey is just starting. One chapter finished, the new is just beginning. And this is where life gets a new sweet flavor. Of course there still be ups and downs, beliefs that have been attached to the I thought will start falling off, some will need to be worked on.

Sending lots of love!
And a hug.
Welcome home.
:)


A:
Thanks Ilona. Of course you can post this on your blog! Happy that it can help others. You can use any other name.

I'll friend you right away.
You know there aren't enough words to express my gratitude. I'd love to be of help to others. Let me know how I can. My mother tongue is Spanish!

I:
Great! I will make the post today, then my other guide friends can read and confirm or ask more questions, this is how we work all together.

So good to hear that you want to help! We don't have Spanish guides, we had few in the past but they have gone their own ways.  So it would really be helpful.

Much love.

A:
I'll look for the post. I haven't re-read anything since it was written. It will be fun to see what happens.
Shoot the questions when they arise. Happy to be able to help.
Looove