Lila
Dear Ilona!
I have worked with your 7 steps on your homepage and I saw that I could write to you and tell what is going on in my life and ask for some help.
I am Lila.
Seven years ago, in January 2005, I came home from India after participating in an process of ”enlightenment" in a spiritual center.
I felt tired all the spring when I came home. Felt burned out!
After about a year I suffered that my so-called I did not exist anymore! Lila was not me. But Lila was like a character in a movie. My life is over, the mind said every day. There was nothing left of what was my life. No wish, no desire, no process. Emptiness. That was a complete shock!
I was unable to lie on my back without a feeling of falling backwards into empty space. There was just emptyness. Dizziness again and again, day and night. ”I am about to die!” This experience went on continuously day in and day out. Helpless about the situation, I went through this feeling of annihilation. Seemingly everything was, as usual, but not inside myself.
When Lila was talking, it was not I that was talking! It was someone else, just anyone. My mind questioned my sanity. Am I crazy? No one around me saw me as crazy. Everything was as usual, I was just not there. No sense at all! Okay! Emptiness.
It was only music and nature walks that could give me any satisfying sense of reality. Walked often long distances but it was not me walking. Everything happened automatically. No will any longer! Desired nothing! Enlightened? No, not bliss in this state! Awake? Yes, but nothing more. Timeless existence in a no man’s land during the coming years. Meaninglessness was the dominant feeling.
Confusion, as soon as the mind tried to understand what had happened. Could not sort out.
Thoughts come like a radio that can not be shut down. Okay, it happens automatically and is nothing to attach to. The body exist but not a ME. As to see it from the outside. And at the same time exist inside the body as in a space that extends out into the room and out into the Universe. A floating feeling. Nothing is fixed. Everything is floating in empty space. Despite this, the body works perfectly and is more grounded than ever. As a centre of being. No time.
The mind has had to give up, surrender. Everything is as it is!
Gradually began to see the mechanical in creation, how everything in the physical world is automatic. A programming at all levels get people to play exactly according to the given conditions. It just happens.
The PRESENCE sees through the human role play in the dream. Yet the dream goes on as if nothing has happened.
It is as it is!
Why am I writing to you now? Something is unclear. What blocks the view to the joy? To Bliss?
Ilona
Jan 29
Hi Lila,
Thank you for email. I appreciate you writing to me.
What blocks the joy? There 2 things that may be at work- fear and expectations. Also there may be some wants, that are wanting either security, acceptance or control. Or should and shouldn't s. Does anything jump out?
You say that dream goes as nothing have happened, of course, nothing happened. There was nothing there before, just an illusion of something and then illusion of something lacking.
Is anything lacking in emptiness? Is emptiness lack?
Is lila more then a character in a story? Is lila more solid then batman? In your experience does story about lila continue?
Write what is triggered by this email. Is there a sticky point?
Sending love.
Lila
Jan 30
Hi Ilona,
Many thanks for your reply to me. It´s exiting to have this opportunity to communicate with you.
Questions and answers are a strong method. I noticed it when I yesterday went through your seven steps. Woke up in the middle of the night and suddenly I saw a misunderstanding that has followed me through my life. Belief in a little lonely isolated self. An identity!
I have worked with my fears a lot but never been able to analyse them so clear as your questions got me to do. Last night when i woke up I saw that fear is not the problem. There was something I wanted to protect, it was about life and death. Fear is an instinct, like an animal in danger fleeing. I went deeper. What was behind the fear? What did I want to protect? Myself, Lila. My life.
Now I have not been exposed to danger of my life again and again but the fear was rooted in me since my earliest childhood. There was an idea, a belief that there is a separate little I that must have this protection in order to survive in life. A misunderstanding because of a programmed fear, appeared in situations that did not involve any mortal danger.
I have in my life been trapped in ”should” and ”should not” and has worked with myself for a long time to get out of this straitjacket. Life still is testing me on this program. Now I am free from any ”should”.
What is missing? What do I expect now? Inner joy is the feeling that comes to me. There is a feeling that I have seen everything and gone trough everything and I have no desire any longer. But I do want to appreciate Life fully.
Emptiness I have adapted myself to during those years gone by. It has taken some time. Emptiness is okay, it´s even a liberating and relaxing feeling.
Lila is now more than a character in a movie. She is superstrong, she is a batwomen now! Lila is Life itself for real.
The story of Lila is over. She exists as a memory now. I use her name Lila because I need a name and do not see any advantage in getting a new name.
Can not see the story of Lila in the future. I can only see Life go on. A kind of unknown journey in eternity.
Love Lila
Ilona
Jan 31
Lila, that was beautiful to read! Thank you!
Life appreciated is certainly sweeter.
How is your day going? Anything interesting you noticed?
What do you mean that lila is more then a character?
Sending love.
Lila
Jan 31
Thanks Ilona, happy to see that you have answered me. Your page with 7 steps is still a good help to go deeper into my process.
Today I gave me time to deepen myself in my expectations of an awakened life. Now I see that it is important to be free from all notions of what enlightenment is, like the mind want to impose on us. Being able to see everything around me in present moment as it is without ideas on how it should be. Also not to seek consolation by interpreting everything that happens as a divine meaning. An old belief that has followed me. It is what it is and it will be good enough. You do not need to understand why everything happens. End of that program now!
What I mean by that Lila is more than a movie character is like this. On one side there is the small role Lila. She lives as usual after her special personality. In another way, she is beond this role. She has her source in the universe and is immortal. She is a form that my ”I AM” shows outward. This is not easy to explain.
Dear Ilona, please ask questions to me, it´s a nice help.
Love from Lila
Ilona
Feb 4
Thanks Ilona, happy to see that you have answered me. Your page with 7 steps is still a good help to go deeper into my process.
Today I gave me time to deepen myself in my expectations of an awakened life. Now I see that it is important to be free from all notions of what enlightenment is, like the mind want to impose on us. Being able to see everything around me in present moment as it is without ideas on how it should be. Also not to seek consolation by interpreting everything that happens as a divine meaning. An old belief that has followed me. It is what it is and it will be good enough. You do not need to understand why everything happens. End of that program now!
What if everything happens just because? Spontaneously, interdependently with everything else, as one movement.
Does it feel that something is lost?
What I mean by that Lila is more than a movie character is like this. On one side there is the small role Lila. She lives as usual after her special personality. In another way, she is beyond this role. She has her source in the universe and is immortal. She is a form that my ”I AM” shows outward. This is not easy to explain.
Yes, there is a play called Lila going on, but what is behind it? Can you look? Is there anything that makes this character move, controls or manages what is happening to the character? As a director, orchestrator, higher self, your I am?
What do you notice?
Sending love.
Lila
Hi Ilona,
What if everything happens just because? Spontaneously, interdependently with everything else, as one movement.
Does it feel that something is lost?
No, nothing is lost! This is how it is. This is freedom! The now is what is. Feelings are comming, thaughts are passing by. Outer impressions are changing all the time. Nothing is lost!
Yes, there is a play called lila going on, but what is behind it? Can you look? Is there anything that makes this character move, controls or manages what is happening to the character? As a director, orchestrator, higher self, your i am?
What do you notice?
To be as a puppet on a string, something has to hold the threads? Who? What? That question has occupied me my hole life, since I was a little child. I call this power the Life. Or I call this power, the Universe. Or the will of GOD. My true beeing.
During the last days I have looked at 10 questions that I found on Liberation Unleashed. It´s interesting to formulate to myself my own honest answers to this questions.
Love Lila
Ilona Feb 6
To be as a puppet on a string, something has to hold the threads? Who? What? That question has occupied me my hole life, since I was a little child. I call this power the Life. Or I call this power, the Universe. Or the will of GOD. My true beeing.
Are you sure, that there is a puppet, a string and life that plus the strings? Is there a gap between them? Is life happening to you or as you?
Is there a gap between experienced, experiencer and experiencing?
During the last days I have looked at 10 questions that I found on Liberation Unleashed. It´s interesting to formulate to myself my own honest answers to this questions.
It is great to hear that forum is helpful. Keep digging, and you know, it is your own process and you got to be totally honest when looking for truth. :)
Much love.
Love Lila
Lila
Feb 8
Hi Ilona,
Are you sure, that there is a puppet, a string and life that plus the strings? Is there a gap between them?
Puppet and a string is a metaphor but now I can see that it´s not a good one. Because there is a separation between the puppet and that which is holding the string. It must be one, not two! There is no gap between them in reality. If the puppet is me, then even that which is holding the string is me. This is obvious! No gap!
Is life happening to you or as you?
Life is happening as me!
Is there a gap between experienced, experiencer and experiencing?
No there is no gap! There is only experience happening, all is one and the same.
To day I have been digging myself into a question I found on Liberation Unleashed.
6) When you say ”I”, what are you referring to?
My answer is,
I refer to my spirit and the human being, Lila. No gap between spirit and Lila.
Love Lila
Ilona
Feb 8
Hm, so there is my spirit, your spirit and other spirits? How do you see that? Is that spirit I? Is it a separate self?
Sending love.
Lila
Feb 8
Hm, so there is my spirit, your spirit and other spirits? How do you see that? Is that spirit I? Is it a separate self?
I have to investigate this! When I sent my e-mail to you I was thinking of ”my spirit”, there is a problem. Something seamed to be wrong.
”My spirit” seams to be separated from the source. Spirit is the same as the source of everything. Consciousness, universe, source, spirit are all different words for the same power.
Because ”I” as a human being is as it looks a separated form in the physical world, I was thinking at spirit as my spirit. That is wrong!
I am spirit!
Love Lila
Ilona
Feb 8
Well, is that true? Are you a spirit?
Are you the source?
Is there a true identity? Or all identity is assumed?
Keep looking :)
Lila
Feb 8
Now I have to laugh! My poor head. I feel emptiness in my head. I am confused. I can´t think.
To be true I really don´t know anything but I am trying to see and understand.
To write to, and communicate with you, I have to find words, but it often feels so square. ( I don´t know if I found right word? ) I am trying to point to something but I am missing the target.
I don´t know anything for sure but being here in this moment.
Thank you Ilona for asking me all these questions! It feels good!
Love Lila
Lila
Feb 9
Hi Ilona!
If we look, we can see that there is no separate I.
Yes! ( But do we really see that? )
Separate I was a lie we believed in.
Now we have got a new belief.
Oneness.
We are all one! Hi Ilona!
Words, words, words?
Do we change one belief to an other belief?
Everything is a mystery. I am a mystery. I know nothing!
Separation is a word. Unity is an other word.
Emptiness is an experience.
Diversity is obvious, easy to see.
There is nothing to hold on to!
The question is not, who am I? or what am I?
The question is where am I?
Because I am nowhere! I am gone!
Lila is here. Anybody can see her. But Lila is not me.
Where am I? I am somehow dissolved into space.
Love Lila
Ilona
Feb 10
Now we have got a new belief.
Oneness.
We are all one! Hi Ilona!
Oh no. Oneness is, but is it personal? Are we all one, really?
Are you oneness?
Words, words, words?
Yep yep yep.
Do we change one belief to an other belief?
The goal of this process is to clear all beliefs out of the system, not install new ones.
What is it that you know to be true 100%? Not what you believe to be true, but what do you KNOW?
Everything is a mystery. I am a mystery. I know nothing!
Is there I that knows?
Separation is a word. Unity is an other word.
Yes. The meaning of these words are what these words point to.
There is nothing to hold on to!
Is there anyone to do the holding on? A manager, controller that can hold on or not?
The question is not, who am I? or what am I?
The question is where am I?
Try this- is there an I that does being?
Where am I? This question assumes that there is an I.
Is there?
Start right here.
Is I a thinker of thoughts or one of thoughts that appear with thinking?
Because I am nowhere! I am gone!
Lila is here. Anybody can see her. But Lila is not me.
What is lila? What is that anybody can see? What do you see when you look at other people?
Lila
Feb 10
Hi Ilona!
Thank you for asking me!
Oneness.
We are all one!
Oh no. Oneness is, but is it personal? Are we all one, really?
Are you oneness?
I wrote this a bit ironically I mean that if this becomes a belief, it is not the truth! Sorry to not have been honest.
We, are of course not one! ”We,” are two or more people!
Oneness isn't personal. Oneness means that everything is ”one Life”, i suppose.
The goal of this process is to clear all beliefs out of the system, not install new ones.
I fully agree!
What is it that you know to be true 100%? Not what you believe to be true, but what do you KNOW?
This question I have been asking myself a lot. My answer is,
This moment, what ever is experienced here and now, is life. Every experience and all that happens in life is changing. It is as it is and that´s the truth!
Is there I that knows?
No there is nobody knowing. Only knowing or not knowing.
Separation is a word. Unity is an other word.
Yes. The meaning of these words are what these words point to.
Of course! That is fully understood.
Is there anyone to do the holding on? A manager, controller that can hold on or not?
No, there isn´t. It´s a metaphor. It´s about feelings. A feeling of helplessness. No control, nobody there.
The question is where am I?
Try this- is there an I that does being?
No. Being is not anybody doing anything.
Where am I? assumes that there is an I.
Is there?
Start right here.
That question opens a door!
There was an experience of emptiness and also an experience of thoughts saying, "where am I".
Is I a thinker of thoughts or one of thoughts that appear with thinking?
There is no thinker. Thoughts appear ( thinking of an I )
What is lila? What is that anybody can see? What do you see when you look at other people?
Lila is a person. Anybody can see her body moving, hear her talking.
I see, when i look at other people, how they look, how they move and I see in which mood they are. I see life.
Love Lila
Ilona
Feb 11
Thank you for answers.
So lila is a person, ok, is lila here in the room right now? How do you know? What do eyes see?
Really look, can you see a person, in real life, or is person only in the story? can you see a difference between experience and description, story about experience?
Is person a description or experience?
Sending love
Lila
Feb 12
Hi Ilona,
So lila is a person, ok, is lila here in the room right now?
Looking around in the room. No, there is no Lila.
How do you know? What do eyes see?
Really look, can you see a person, in real life, or is person only in the story?
Eyes see right now a computer and hands writing.
I can see a person in real life, but not now when I look around in the room.
can you see a difference between experience and description, story about experience?
Lila, as person is a description. Story about experience is not now. It is not experience. It´s past time, remembering, I think.
Is person a description or experience?
Person is a description.
Ilona, one question you gave me in last e-mail was, what is Lila?
I gave you a description of Lila as a person. As if she is somebody but not an experience. Now I see!
The story of Lila? But stories are not real. Story is thoughts. I am not a story.
There is only experience! Which in this moment includes thoughts and feelings.
( Feel sometimes stupid when I think how to answer all these questions. Experience of many thoughts tumbling around.)
Love Lila
Ilona
Feb 12
Very nice, lila.
So can you describe, how it feels to see this. Is anything in daily life different?
Can you say, YES, shift has happened?
Sending love.
Lila
Feb 14
It feels relaxing!
Yes! Every moment, there is only experience whatever is going on in situations, feelings or thoughts.
Like a door had been opened. A direct seeing what there is. There is still some thoughts labelling what is going on but it does not matter. It´s just a part of experience. Nobody labels.
Can you say, YES, shift has happened?
YES, shift has happened!
I am so grateful for all help! Wanted so deeply to sort out all misunderstandings. Your questions pushed me to meet the stop that was blocking my process. Everything had to be tumbled round and questioned and suddenly I saw from an other perspective. No separate self. Confusion is gone!
Now there is a digestion of this shift going on.
Love Lila
Ilona
Feb 15
That is so delightful to hear, dear Lila. Here are a few more questions for you, no rush, answer when ready in full, just as you see.
1) Is there a separate 'me' 'I' 'self' , at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
2) in the experience, is there an experiencer? Is it body that experiences or is the body the experienced?
3) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works.
4) How does it feel to see this?
5)How would you describe it to somebody who has never heard about this illusion but is curious about it.
6) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look? Can you describe the moment when seeing happened?
7) Anything to add?
Much love.
Lila
Feb
Hi Ilona!
1) There is no separate ”me” ”I” ”self” at all, anywhere! There never was!
2) There is no experiencer! No, it is not body that experiences. Body is experienced.
3) There is a common belief that we are all separated from each other. We got, in our early childhood, influenced from our parents and other people who themselves had this belief. At the age of about two years we left our experience of unity, no separation. We started to identify with a separate little person and the name that we had got. The illusion of separate self is going on generation after generation. This is a mistake, there is no separate self.
4) It is liberating! A wake up to see that the illusion of separation is not true. It feels so natural, remembering the past and see that there was no separate self ever before.
5) Conciousness is all there is! In the physical world there is diversity, different forms, colours people, animals, plants and so on. But everything is the same, a manifestation from the same power. Man has long ago lost contact with the truth. A belief started to grow that we all are separated from each other because it looks like that on the surface, in the physical world. But this is an illusion! Everything is conciousness. No one is separated.
6) The last bit that pushed me over was recently. Working a lot with questions from you, Ilona. Very intense looking and digging. Suddenly a door opened and there was no misunderstanding any longer. Aha! A new seeing through thoughts and feelings, no one there. When this misunderstanding, is gone, there is only experience whatever there is.
7) My daily life goes on about the same as before the shift. Life will go up and down as usual. This shift is beyond that. It´s about experience whatever is without a little self.
Strong feelings in body and mind. "Let it be!" Powerful stillness. More powerful than the ups and downs.
Writing to you Ilona, and answer questions, has had a tremendous impact on me.
Thank you!
Love Lila
Ilona
Feb 18
Awesome! Thank you so much for clear answers.
You know, it's just a beginning and investigation does not end here, the exploration and settling in this new found peace is only starting. :)
Would it be ok with you to put this on my blog, so it may help someone else to look too. Whichever name you would like to use, just let me know.
Once other guides look through, they may have some questions, or otherwise I can invite you to lu Facebook groups, where you can meet lots of new friends.
Big hug and a huge smile to you.
Much love.
Lila
Feb 18
Thank you, Ilona!
Every day investigation goes on, this is an inner journey.
It is ok for me if you put this on your blog. Name Lila is also ok. It would be interesting with more questions to work through if somebody will ask.
I am not on facebook and I don´t think I want to participate now.
Big hug to you, Ilona.
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