THIS Is All There Is..

Peter came through a friend. He had no magical expectations, no serious fear, he just went for it and it did not take him long to see, that This is All There IS... as Tony Parsons says...

Ilona:
Hi Peter.
Great, let's start from your expectations. List all what you expect, hope, want this seeing to be, what benefits you expect, what you do not want from this. Write everything out with whole sincerity.

Sending love.

Peter:
First of all i want the truth.
Hope isn't really an issue.
I expect liberation to Bring peace and clarity and More joy and ease.

Ilona:
Hi Peter.

Thanks for answer.

What happens in the body and the mind when you let this thought in:

There is no separate self at all in reality, me is not the manager, not the controller, not observer, not awareness, it's just a thought that points to other thoughts and nothing real. I does not exist as a separate individual entity in charge of life. 

Write all that arises.

Kind regards.

Peter: 
This thought presents no problem or fear. I feel i know this is how it is, at least intellectually. Over the years the mind seems to have gotten used to the idea of no seperate I. All I feel is a longing for this truth to swallow everything up and become total.
Thank you for being here for that.

When reading what you just wrote i feel excitement as if approaching Home after a long time away

Love,

Ilona:
I see you are not a man of many words. Please answer in full, I can not see where you are from one sentence. So please sit with the question and write all that comes up as it comes up.  Take at least half an hour to answer.

Peter: 
Hello again,
I have had to sit with it and look really deeply into it.
There's like an energetic knot in the heart area and fear resides there.
In one way it feels like I see reality and that the I is just a collective term/concept for various phenomena,
much like the word "weather", but this is not fully accepted by the mind I suspect.
This knot is like a cramp of memories seemingly pointing to the I, but on inspection there is just a thought: I.
When feeling this fear thoughts like going insane and taken to mental hospital comes up.
There is also the fear of going into unknown territory.
I also feel tiredness and a bit sad that this seeking never seems to end.
Many years now and still on it.
I want to say to the mind: come on now, give up, it's clear but you have to let go now there is nothing more to see.
It's very stubborn the old bastard!
I get the feeling this knot of energy is the key to breaking through so to speak, it feels like that.
The last holding on is there, a nervous tense energy in the chest.

.......................
Something shifted here, fear resided and mind got quiet

Ilona:
What did you notice about fear? How does the mechanism work?

Interesting about the shift, can you describe in more detail?

Write to me even if I don't answer every day, it's your process. Writing helps mind to focus.

One thing that seems to work wonders is talking to the mind, literally, asking it what is in the way of peace, asking what is it that it wants the most.

If you ask these questions, what answers come up?
Sending love.

Peter:
What comes up:

A Deep feeling and conviction that i'm now crossing a line where there is no turning back.
Mind fears this unknown and wants safety and ultimately fears its own death.
It thinks i Will be helpless without it in control, quite sweet in a way and i feel now love and compassion to it.
It's like a scared child. It's Me when i was small and scared.

The shift yesterday was an energetically felt emptiness and relaxation Into a clearer seeing of the truth that there is no I in direct experience. The I is only a label, a term of convenience in language. Without solid ground of its own.
It's like the word weather, an abstraction.
The word orange or shoe now seem More real and solid.

And so i've asked the mind;
Don't you now see this clearly? This is all and final and you can rest now.
You have deserved your rest after all your struggle.
And somehow i feel a deeper acceptance of this now.
But if the mind has totally accepted this i don't know, probably not yet.
It might try to come back to own it all, like it has done before.

Could it be that after years of truth seeking, the mind has developed extra clever skills in keeping the truth from itself even when it's really quite simple and obvious?

I really am tired of seeking and just want to be done with it. Could you please stay with me in this til the end?
It would mean so much to Me. I have no other real interest than to finally fall Into truth.

And also. The Energy in the heart center that nisargadatta calls the i am feeling. It doesnt really say "I am", i saw that late last night. It "says" only being, aliveness. The rest is only More labeling. Not sure if i am able to get across to you what i see and mean. English is not my first language and anyway in this field words are clumpsy tools.

Ilona:
I hear you loud an clear. Yes, the feeling itself has nothing to do with label. And yes, I'll stay with you till all is clear. After that there is aftercare group and continued support through sharing.

Yes it is possible to fall into traps and people who woke up by themselves years ago, were alone in this have reported that illusion came back. But, now times are different and there are people around who will help anytime advice needed.

Tell the mind, that it will not disappear. There is fear of letting go, because mind itself thinks, it is not needed anymore. Mind is a perfect tool and it will stay as such.
Thank it for all those years of working so diligently for you. Ask it if it knows that it is loved and appreciated.

It is only the belief in control that drops. There never was control. And you are staring right at it.

Write more.
Was there ever a me/ I / self?

Peter: 
I'm getting more talkative here so get ready :)
All of this i used to see from the perspective of a separate person.
Like a frozen concentration of water in the form of an ice cube in the ocean, having the total sense of separation.
Lately this has been shifting and it's like i'm watching from the perspective of the ocean on the ice cube popping up and down.
Both the cube and the ocean are water, the ice cube is not aware of this but the ocean is.
So I feel i used to see from the "me" and sort of gazing back to catch a glimpse of the ultimate. Now see that "me" popping up and down in the ocean of awareness, much like any other phenomena.

I woke up in february last year but with no support to guide me to stabilize and integrate it fully I think.
And as you so clearly say, I also know the mind will not disappear (nor is there any need) it will only resign from its illusory control position.
The feeling now is like free falling. I tried to do this process all by myself before and will not repeat it again now that you are here.

I try to see what the state of the mind is now. I really want it to fully accept what has been seen and to understand that it will not disappear but only to give up the tiresome striving for control and responsibility that was never even there to begin with.
The mind does it to gain love it seems. It's really quite touching.
It has come out of love but doesn't see it so it wants to create it.

I am and have always been this ocean, the ocean of everything. In this ocean arises suddenly a wave.
By conditioning and misidentification it has learned and accepted itself as separate: a me-wave among others.

This ocean can never see this wave as separate but as an arising in it, as an expression of its aliveness.
It doesn't see the wave as a mistake and there can only be confusion from the perspective of the wave.
The confusion is the ocean expressing itself as confusion.

Today has been a wild ride between turmoil and peace.
And a thought comes: shouldn't this feel happier? One time this thought brought wild laughter.
next time it gripped around itself in fear.

This is not done yet.
I'm trying to decide whether the understanding is still intellectual or if I'm still have some expectancies that I haven't turned around yet.

To your question:
"Was there ever a me/I/myself?"

On one hand all there ever has been are the waves arising and subsiding in the timeless ocean.
Bodies, thoughts, sensations all pointing back to this source, emanating from the aliveness of the void.

On the other hand the question itself is in itself illusory and constructed out of the same fairytale material.
Was....There......Ever............A..................Me/I/self?
All concepts of space and time. Coming straight out of the illusion of the me entity.

But taking the words as pointers within the illusion the short answer is no.

To be continued, I'm sure......

Ilona:
Oh yes, you are getting closer.

The metaphor of the wave and ocean is not what you see now. There is ocean, there is wave, it is you that does not exist. Can that be seen?

"This was something I read on the forum today: "1. The ocean analogy that I have picked up from many other teachings and that was not explained properly, was seen as false. I used to believe that I am a wave in the ocean looking for myself and that one day I will realize I am the ocean, I will find the Self. You made it clear, that realization is NOT realizing that you are something, like the ocean; realization is to see that there is NO you (no Self) in any way or form."

Hope this quote is helpful.


So, do you exist?
Keep writing.

Peter: 
There is seeing, and body, senses and so on but no I, no separate person other than as the collective label called "Me" as a convenience of language.
There is existance but no I exist.

Ilona:
Yes, how does it feel to see this? How does the body react?

:)

Peter: 
It feels quite ordinary, it's too subtle and doubts come saying this can't be it.

Ok, back to basics. This seems to be going around in circles.
This whole process yet another time. When will it be over?
Sometimes i think I will end up in a mental hospital sucking my fingers thinking I'm jesus or something.
Hope they have good coffee there. :)
Fear and clawing madness. And other times this immense clarity and simplicity.
It feels like this is it, that THIS is seen, but somehow the mind keeps asking for more, expecting some more.
Why? This is all that's ever been. Right here. I see it then i don't see it and then i see that both the seeing and the not seeing are both seen.
Like chinese boxes to infinity.

So back to basics:
all there is is experiencing. In this direct experiencing the world is seen. And a body, and sensations, thoughts, all come and go like waves. Nowhere can an I be seen or in any way experienced directly. It's just not there nor has it ever been. It's literally just a word. It makes much more sense believing in santa at least he's funny and gives gifts.

So now I'm starting to feel schizophrenic, talking to myself all the time. "What is it that you want more?, If you still believe in the I show me this I??? I pose these questions to the mind. Questions arising in the mind to be answered by the mind. How peculiar.....

It should feel different is all I can come up with right now. I still don't feel like going to work, I'm still wanting things to be different and so on. And these things "should" not be there if a clear seeing of the truth has occured.

Last time, last year when awakening struck there was a felt energetic shift, like the whole universe took a deep breath and the whole concept of Peter was seen by emptiness, like from behind/beyond. Not like that now.

Shit I'm sounding confused hahaha, but if you help people like me I'm sure you're used to it.

There's a thing in your app that got my attention, I just remembered it and had to look it up again:

"The wish for a final "done" is - surprise, surprise - a story of the final carrot to be reached,
a reason for the fictional I to try to get "somewhere".
Everything is constantly changing, moving and interacting. There is no "done" in the real world.
If you want to be at home, be at home in the flow."

That's it, that's where I'm stuck. The final carrot. What to do with that?

But in a way there must be some kind of "done".
How else are you able to lable people with green, blue and red in your forum?
Some are more done than others clearly....

This mind, Oh boy..... :)

Love,
Peter

Ilona:
That colour change does not mean done, just that the line was crossed and that is only a beginning. Done is when the body goes to feed the worms. Until then there is living.

So yes, done is just another carrot. There is no where to land once falling starts. The best I can describe it after is 'falling'- belief structure falls, all shit that does not serve anymore falls off, all that which is true falls into place. There is no end to that, just after a while one gets used to it. Maybe..

Ok, so is there a me/ self, in any form or shape in reality? Was there ever?

Peter: 
No

Ilona:
Ok, describe what you see in full.

Peter: 
It has been an intense few days here.
What I see is this:

Here is seeing, awareness.
In it the body appears and thoughts and sensations.
They just appear, noone is doing it.
As a thought in this the "I" appears. It seems to be pointing to something but on closer inspection
it's just a label, a pointer to something within language itself, within thought itself.

The I-label is used as a covenience in language 
like the red dot in google maps, to show location for practical purposes.
Noone is really walking around with a red dot attached to the t-shirt.
Likewise there is no real solid I attached to any body at all.

This I is seen through when it suddenly dawns in the mind that in no way can this I be shown, smelled, touched, tasted, smelled or heard.
In direct experience there is simply nothing there. All that can be found is the thought "I" and this can't be pointed to directly, ever.

Then deep buried patterns seems to be turned loose in the body and float freely.
Energies of anxiety comes up, they can now express freely because before they were always met by the resistance coming from the apparent I.

So what is seen is that EVERYTHING are concepts with the I as the first concept and the rest sort of born out of it.
Here and there, inner outer, everything is concepts.
So for instance it's equally possible to say the world is out there (from the perspective of the body)
as to say it's in here (in awareness).

I have seen this before so there is no big shock, and in a way it's all very ordinary, it has always been like this. Nothing new is really here and everyone is in a way seeing it all the time, they are it all the time.
Even the deepest confusion IS THIS. Now.

So it's just like a piece of unnecessary software has now been removed and the programme continues  to run. But now without the illusion of control or the false idea that there has ever been an I that needs protection.

That is also what it feels like right now. getting out of the driver seat, relaxation and the awe that some deep patterns and stiff ideas can now come up to be released. Thoughts still come of course (why wouldn't they), but they come and don't really stick.

I could go on and on I think, but it's a crisp wind outside and I want to meet it.

Thank you so far, you've been a great help. This is just the beginning and last time this happened I thought it was an ending.
I will go on with your help.
So grateful, thank you so much.

Everything just settled down here and got all quite and this radical change brought the Most gorgeous sweet ordinariness. What a joke and now i understand what the gateless gate means, there never was a gate and noone to pass through it. Everything is as before but now seen in the absense of Me.

Ilona:
Oh Peter, this sounds very interesting. Yes, everything is as before and now is somehow different. Write more about it.
What happened exactly, can you describe a moment when it became clear?

:)

Peter: 
I see there is no I and has never been. It's amazingly obvious, natural and wonderfully freeing.
How could this not be seen? Is a question that somtimes come up.
Everything is rising and falling in experience, it's all just what is.
There is only this.
It's really beyond words, a very elegant simplicity, a roaring silence.
It's still absolutely possible to momentarily identify as the I,
but only momentarily and only as a function, a play character, like the red flag in google maps showing location in time and space.

Thank you so far Ilona, my heart is full.

Ilona:
Wonderful..

Can you describe what happened that made this seeing arise? Was it a moment or process, how did it came to be realised that there never was an I? What was the last push?


Lots of love to you.

Peter: 
I had 2 full days of very tiring and intense inquiry and looking and at the end I walked in the woods saying over and over:
What would this all be like if I am not here?

Then the mind sort of saw that it won't die from this, it's just the illusion of I that dies.
The mind saw that it would still be around to figure out the right way to find places, figure out what to buy for a certain recipe
and other practical things like that.

Another pointer I walked around with was Tony Parsons standard phrase: THIS is all there is.
And I paired that with a deep looking from my own direct experience to burn away the illusion.

Then everything shifted, energetically.

Empty. Clear. Limitless.
Emaho!


Just out of curiosity:
Does everthing i write go to the board of liberated folks on LU to sort out if i pass the gate, or how does it work?

.......................
Hey, how's it going?
I can understand if you're busy but just checking if my email work ok.
Thank you

Ilona:
Yes your email works.
Sorry for delay. I was busy, yes.

I don't publish anything without your agreement. All conversation is private.

Once one passes the gate, then we have other guides confirming as subtle things can be noticed by more eyes then two. Once confirmed by yourself and guides you are invited to join LU aftercare groups for continuing support.

How does that sound to you?


Would you say that line was crossed? Was there ever a self, I, me?

Peter: 
Yes sounds fine to me.
The line is crossed, no me self here at all.

Ilona:
Exellent. in that case here are the final questions. Please answer in full when ready.

Peter: 
I already answered most if not all of those questions in our earlier correspondence, haven't I?

Ilona:
Yes you did, but there are a few that you haven't. So just give your best shot.

 

Peter:
I'm at it right now. It's a good set up you have and i think it's good to get people to formulate these things for clarity.
Will get back to you shortly. :)

1) Is there a 'me', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever? how about self, is there anything that is separate from everything else?
There is not and never has been.

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works.
It's an illusion that comes shortly after birth, an affirmation from the surroundings of being someone seperate. Before then all there is is conceptless energy in motion, a pure and natural experiencing of body, thoughts and sensations. This is then reinforced over and over by the rest of the world as being YOU experiencing something else and separation is born. This will go on until the apparent person starts to really look from direct experience and the illusion may be seen through. The illusion is an early programming, very difficult to see through simply because everyone and everything in the world constantly affirms this separation of being. It could very well be called the biggest conspiracy in the history of humanity but that too will be a concept.

How does it feel to see this? describe in detail.
Wonderfully liberating and at the same time extraordinarily ordinary and natural. It's like a falling off of a piece of totally unnecessary software that slows down and irritates the system and when it's gone everything works in a freer and clearer way. It is now clearly seen that this was always the case and that everyone is looking right at "it" all the time. It feels like living in free fall, in directly experiencing everything but without the personal, separate perceiver. There is a tight knot of energy releasing continously. The marvel of the ordinary and the constant wonder that THIS is all there IS and I was looking straight at it all the time yet could not see it. It's like a cosmic joke and that's probably why when the gateless gate has been passed through it's often accompanied by wild laughter.
There is noone here to be the target anymore. Pain, sadness, everything can still arise but noone is here to take it personally anymore.

4) How would you describe it to somebody who has never heard about this illusion but is curious about it.
All the pain of being human and feeling like a victim in life comes from the sense that you are a separate person. That you are this person is something that almost everyone alive takes for granted. Since it's taken for granted very few people starts to really check if it's true. Those who start to dig deep into this and to really, REALLY decide to look for themselves finds something out:
The person, the "me" that I think I am is not there and never has been. It's a figment of the imagination, a concept and it simply does not exist. To truly see this from your own direct experience is called liberation and it's available to every human being all the time, all it takes is the courage to look honestly and (preferably) someone who has already taken the steps to help with the guiding towards this seeing of the truth.

What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look? was there a specific moment when seeing happened or was it gradual? what exactly happened?
I had 2 full days of very tiring and intense inquiry and looking and at the end I walked in the woods saying over and over:
What would this all be like if I am not here?
Then the mind saw and understood that it won't die from this, it's just the illusion of I that dies.
The mind realised that it would still be around to figure out the right way to find places, figure out what to buy for a certain recipe and other practical things like that.
Another pointer I walked around with was Tony Parsons standard phrase: THIS is all there is.
And I paired that with a deep looking from my own direct experience to burn away the illusion.
Then everything shifted, energetically:
Empty. Clear. Limitless. All there is and ever been.......................................................................................................................................

Ilona:
Beautiful. That was a pleasure to read.
Thank you.

Is it ok with you to put this on my blog, so it may help someone else too and I can get you in the aftercare groups. I can use any name you want. Many choose this option :)

And how is it going today? Is there any doubt?

Sending lots of love.

Peter:
Blog is fine.
You can use the nick name i registered on the LU forum thé other day: roaringsilence
I look forward to after Care group.
No doubts here.

My gratitude knows no limits.
Thank you so much Ilona.
Love eternally!

You can use Peter also whatever you like is fine. So what now? I look forward to seeing More of what's going on in LU, looks very exciting.