Helen:
Hi Ilona,
"I" viscerally saw through the illusion of "me" about 8 months ago (with
non-LU guide online and through direct pointing koans/questions) and it
seems to be integrating well into life in general, deepening (relaxed,
detached and compassionate out-looking, others/everything seen as One and
not apart from "me," no fear, much humor, answers to questions arising
quickly, joy even with life-fluxes).
Looking through the site, disclaimer, groundrules, posting instructions,
and reading Gateless Gatecrashers and Direct Pointing Guide, I am
interested in joining the aftercare and awakened connection groups and
possibly even guiding at some point. I do not have a community as my
journey is mostly solitary, introspective and gentle but very much wish to
interact with others who have broken through the illusion of separation.
When I found LU it feels right (no creed, just d.e., simple) ~ thank you
for making this happen :) Is it possible to have access to the groups?
If there is anything else I can tell you, please ask and I am happy to
answer.
Many thanks and much love,
Helen
Ilona:
Hi Helen,
Thank you very much for reaching out and emailing me. It is great to connect with others and be part of community.
There are two ways how to get there.
You can register on the forum, tell your story, answer some questions and once it's clear that you see what we point to, we invite you to groups.
Or, we can chat over email, then I can post our conversation on my blog and see if any other guides have any questions. Either way is fine. It's up to you.
Sending Love.
Helen:
Hi Ilona,
Thank you for writing back. Email and your blog is fine since we are already here. I am registered on the forum (user Eka) and on the Facebook group (Helen Eki Talasi) as well.
Looking over the community there are so many different and beautiful journeys, it is inspiring to have them shared. Part of my story and what I see when I look is on my poetry blog (flashesofbodhi.wordpress.com). Poetry always appealed to me - direct, much shared with few words :)
If ok with you, we can chat. You mentioned answering some questions...
With love,
Helen
Ilona:
Sorry for the delay..
Here are some questions that we ask everybody. Take your time :)
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
5)can you talk about decision, intention, free will, choice and control? What makes things happen? How does it work? Give examples from experience
6) Anything to add?
Please answer in full, when ready.
Much love.
Helen:
Hi Ilona,
No problem, no rush :) Here are my answers...
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No and there never was. Only conventionally, the group of processes and form with label "Helen," or "Ilona," or "Dean," or whomever, was/is labeled as a self. Once this illusion was penetrated, no self is seen anywhere, in any way, shape or form, ultimately from cosmos-centric perspective.
After the initial seeing, integration happened by "catching" thoughts, noticing how this illusion arises and letting go. As soon as seen, poof, gone :)
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
It starts with language. Once a child learns to label groupings, including the "self," "me," "mine," an attachment/delusion forms. Thoughts are reinforced by environment and maintain this delusion - continuous use of labels. Until direct seeing happens, perspective shift, shattering of illusion.
Others still see Helen, and everyone/thing else as separate entities, however, this is no longer seen on this side. It helped that I was never fond of labels :)
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
Difficult to describe with words since it is words/thoughts that maintain a sense of separation. To try: it's freeing, light (both not-heavy and like sunshine), relaxing into anything that happens, no longer entangled in "inner" or "outer" stories, fully engaged with what is because there is an understanding, a new perspective, that anything that happens is just processes. Also, there is a sense that everything is connected, One, thus love and compassion flow naturally. Fear gone. Anger impossible. Much laughter and acceptance, like finally being home. Otherwise, life goes on as usual :) It's been about 8 months now and this period has been balancing, integrating new perspective.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
Ever since I was very young, I knew there was more to life than what we are told. The journey was both gradual and sudden. The gradual part was the intellectual understanding and smaller direct insights into the nature of reality (such as seeing impermanence, non-separation from others, the flow of thoughts, cause-effect of happenings, ...), cleaning up old patterns, deconstructing. Meditation made the mind supple and continuous awareness possible, looking at EVERYthing. The turning point, visceral seeing was when I sat through the Mondo Zen 13 koans, series of questions guiding to see through the illusion of self/controller. It took about one hour. It was like a flash, complete clarity that there is no self any where nor when. It was so simple, clear, and funny, almost unbelievable. But the seeing was unmistakeable. I remember laughing, asking "Seriously? Just this?" The opening was gentle, not too much of a fight because of previous "priming," frame of reference. Ever since then this seeing deepened and is integrating into everyday life, holding the view while living, until it became a spontaneous new way of being.
5) Can you talk about decision, intention, free will, choice and control? What makes things happen? How does it work? Give examples from experience.
After seeing through the illusion of a separate self, conventional reality still exists and this form continues until death/transformation. What happened is a perception shift whereas the ego/personality no longer deceives but still functions, now more malleable and open, no longer the controller. Even these words are shaped by previous experience, habits. Attachment ceased and there is observing of experiences, all happening naturally, arising in response to flow of events. I could say that previously decisions were more of a struggle-choice, spinning thoughts, now it's more akin to natural inclination, arising, like a flower emitting scent. There is a movement towards simplicity, to relax, simplify, let be, let go. Intention to promote joy and harmony and a deep compassion for all life. For instance, you choose to be a tattoo artist, I choose to be a librarian, and we both choose to align our life with liberation :) The choice becomes simple, to move toward what aligns with heart.
There is perception of both unity and multiplicity without contradiction between them. It just is. Life goes on, Helen buys groceries, cleans floor, takes care of family, helps friend, deals with problem, answers questions, rests when needed, but now no longer entangled, no longer upset, easy, smiling, breath by breath, moment by moment :)
6) Anything to add?
No :)
With much love,
Helen
Ilona:
Thank you so much Helen, your answers resonate and sound clear. What you describe rings true and simple. Let me share this on the blog and let others enjoy the sweetness of your writing.
Much love.
Helen:
Thanks Ilona, please feel free to share :)
Love,
Helen