Friday, 8 July 2011
A Serious Seeker Breaks Free
There was a wall of concepts which wasn't easy to penetrate. Just a bit of advise, you don't need to know everything about the wall and what's behind it in order to demolish it. Just do it, everything becomes clear after.
In my case, there is deep knowing of "no self" during times of peace, and yet, the sense of "separate self" returns back when I face old patterns (though not as frequent as before) such as getting angry to my mother or reacting when treated unfairly, etc... How do you remember that seeing when the memory of it is not there because the mind is occupied with something else? It seems that there are times when I forget and I find myself acting as if there was a separate self. I know the separate self is not real and yet the sense of separate self arises when Consciousness holds on a memory/perception giving birth to the illusion of I. But, Consciousness holding (instead of letting go) happens automatically sometimes, and letting go is forgotten. How do you make sure you never forget no matter what the stress level is?
On the other hand, the Seer of the nonexistence of separate self must be the True Self and not the mind, so this Seeing needs not be remember by aid of memory, but then if this were the case, everyone should be able to See right away, but they don't. There seems a paradox here... How do you see and never forget what you see?
Seems to me that you haven't gone all the way through. Memory has nothing to do with being awake. You may have accepted the concept of no you and believe that this is it.
There is no seer, seeing happens same way as breathing happens. No witness, but experience of witnessing happening. All by itself.
I see the struggle to remember that there is no you is same as it would be reminding yourself that Santa is not real. You either see it or think that you do.
However after initial seeing there is a period of time of cleaning up, which is coming back to old patterns to release them. For everyone is different, depending on how much bs is stored in the system. But it is inevitable that all belief system falls down. Everything that you are still holding on needs to be examined and let go. Including no self.
So tell me with whole honesty, Is there a you in any form or shape?
> What do I see?
I see a Presence/Awareness in me that doesn't want to feel bad and wants to feel good against all the unfairness of life/people.
>The imaginary self IS the ROOT of ALL Suffering.
Yes, but this is what I wrote earlier:
The sense of self is there to relieve the feelings associated with potential physical suffering/unfairness etc. and yet at the same time, I am well aware that this sense of self induces also psychological suffering, but I guess that's the trade-off.
So, I am already aware that the self is producing psychological suffering, but it is there in order to prevent physical suffering (that doesn't feel good) associated with events/people. It is the physical suffering that is very much part of life (whether there is a self or not) that the Presence is me is reacting against, and by reacting is producing the sense of self.
Of course, here there is a dilemma, how could (I AM) Presence that is beyond time and space feel bad/get hurt etc.!? I have no answer to that one.... but bad feelings arise whether there is self or no-self, and something in me doesn't want them.
Example: people who treat me/my doggy/other doggies unfairly. How can I surrender to that. And when I resist, then I get the sense of self..... I don't want it, but it is unavoidable.
Two weeks later:
> What is fear protecting?
It is protecting the I Am Presence in me that doesn't want to feel bad against painful/unfair events/people of life.
How could presence feel bad? It doesn't! It is open awareness.
Presence is I am, here now, nowhere. It's always present and it's a space in which all arises. Space does not feel, it's empty, but there is a definite suffering inside, it feels real and it seems to have a cause.
What is the fear protecting if presence does not need protection?
Presence in me- what is that "me" which contains presence? Does it need a container at all? How about your dog, is there a entity that contains it's presence?
Look, there is no self at all in real life. If you look for self you won't find it, it does not exist! But there are thoughts ABOUT self, what it likes, dislikes, what needs to be protected, what needs to be healed, all this is only in the mind as thoughts. No self in real life.
Really look here now, is there anything to protect? Protect from what?
Can presence be hurt in any way?
Thank you, if I don't answer right away, it is only because I am contemplating on what you have said...
Okay, here is a question that arises, this "me" or "I" refers to the I-Am Presence, and so how do I know that this I Am Presence/Awareness is not personal? It seems very personal, because it is only aware of the thoughts/memories/feelings/sensations/perceptions of this body -- most of the time. Only during deep meditation, it is aware of Revelations etc. that certainly don't come from memory or me. But most of time, this Awareness/Presence feels to be a sense of self and not a sense of Presence?
correction.... it feels to be a sense of self and not a sense of Being, as you have put it prevously
Alright perhaps, the thoughts say that this Awareness is personal, but the Awareness doesn't say I Am Impersonal either... So, there is only one station to listen to most of the time. How to know Awareness to be impersonal so that I will never believe in what the thoughts are saying?
This seems to be the bottom-line.
Need to keep digging.
Awareness just is. Awareness does not say anything, it is just simply aware of what is going on inside and outside.
Thoughts are just thoughts- labels, mind's function is to label everything and look for meaning, create problems, solve problems. All this is happening by itself as a reaction to environment.
Tell me, does body need a pilot to run it? What runs it? Look closer at the body.
1) Awareness does not need a "me" to be aware, it is happening, that is evident. (I don't need to make it happen)
2) When body moves without reactive thinking, it also moves without a "me," but when there is resistance in thinking, then it looks like thinking controls moving of body. So, I need to look more into resistance in thinking.
3) Resistance to certain thoughts/feelings create the sense of me. It looks like there is an I, who is resisting and producing more ignorant thoughts. I know this as a fact, because when there is no resistance, thoughts flow, and there is no sense of I. But, i am unable let go resistance once and for all...
So, we are coming back to the same issue, why am I resisting, and by resisting what am I protecting? I must somehow see a value in resisting! And who is resisting? Awareness is the only agent that can do anything, so is resisting also happening all by itself? If so, I have no control not to resist, and no control to see over the false self...
Yes! Awareness does not need "I" to be aware! Great!
Now let's examine resistance. Look at the human as a system, where beliefs are programs. There are many beliefs in the system and there are lots of conflicts between them. Resistance comes up when two or more different beliefs clash. Once beliefs are examined and released, there is clarity in the system and it runs smooth. The more conflict inside, the mote resistance rise up in situations.
Every belief is an assumption. Every suggestion through the day either stick to an existing belief, create new belief or is rejected as nonsense.
The goal here is to let go of all beliefs. As jed McKenna says- no belief is true.
Once beliefs are seen trough and dropped, clarity is all that is left. No more conflict, no more resistance, peace. One can relax into being and enjoy every moment without judgement.
Now you have a look yourself into what Resistance is. Can you see how it serves it's purpose?
Btw the core belief, the mother of all problems is the belief that there are individual separate selves. the "I"
Yes, my mentor Dan Eltzroth used to say, "when you accept one illusion/belief, you accept all illusions/beliefs." This means that you cannot let go fully only one of them until you let go all of them, and at the root of all of them is the belief in separation, which is the real one one must let go of in order to release all beliefs. My life-experience shows that resistance to what is creates the sense of self.
Now, why is there a resistance to what is/life?
In order to better deal with potential pain. It is not easy to be in a body. All my dog friends are suffering, hungry, etc. I help some of them, but I cannot help them all. Life in a body is very painful, I think. All the chasing after pleasure is to try to make that potential pain unconscious and numb. I have to protect myself and my doggy friends from all the pain inducing people/events. They are unfair. And resistance arise.
I mean this resistance is a conditioning of many years, how can it change in one instant?
p.s. last night in bed suddenly I have experienced no I, where there was no center where things were perceived from, but then I feel asleep and when I woke up it was back to the ordinary sense of me.
Hm, resistance is not conditioning, it rises because of conditioning. Natural reaction, rebellion against untruth.
Bedri, it is difficult to work with you because you are constantly revering to what others say. At this point you really need to start thinking for yourself. Really start moving your brain muscle and drop what you have learned from every mentor. This is about you now.
All that you have accepted as truth is at the level of belief, without seeing it for yourself as it is, it stays as belief. It is time to "kill the budha" to go beyond the teachings of your mentor. Put all this behind and start looking for yourself.
All of it.
Start over, fresh, look:
There is no self at all in real life.
This needs to be seen through with your own eyes and mind, forget what you think you know. It's useless now, unless you wanna stay in suffering.
Look right there inside- what feeling rises up? Is there fear? What is it off? What is it protecting? What is behind? What is behind? Can you bypass it and look further? No need to refer to mentors, just look at your own feeling, brake throughout the wall of following others. Stop yourself if you find that you repeat what somebody said. This is very important step- you have to think for yourself.
are you ready to look for yourself?
>you have to think for yourself.
Ilona, are you kidding me. Believe it or not, There is only very VERY few in this world who have thought and investigated about Truth as much as I did. I already told you I have devoted my whole life to it and made my life an investigation for its unveiling. I was born in 1964 and since a child I was contemplating on Truth. Unlike you, I do not work for a job, so I spent full time not only reading about Truth, constantly thinking, contemplating, and also investigating, living and Being it.
Any quote I give is only pointing at my own authentic experience, and if I quote someone it is only because they already said/summarized the subject very beautifully and there is no reason to state it in any other way. All quotes point to my own experience.
Now, you have quoted Jed McKenna, saying: "all beliefs are unreal," and I have quoted my mentor Dan Eltzroth (who is infinitely more valuable and knowledgeable than Jed) for only one sentence, "when you accept one illusion, you accept them all." This was only to re-affirm the truth what Jed was saying. All the rest of what I have said were my own thoughts/feelings, have you even read them carefully?
All our conversations were about my own thoughts/revelations, when and how many times did you see me quote someone else?
Now, let's look at the RESISTANCE that rises IN YOU as a result of me quoting of one sentence of my mentor in response to you quoting one sentence of Jed. Your wanting to be the sole authority/teacher (your new self-image) is what gives rise to this resistance in you and shows me that there is still a sense of self in you, which you are in denial of.
And the reason that it is hard to work with me is because I already know everything you say and probably more, I have been thinking about these things before you were born, and having gone deeper than you, I can see through your intellectual understanding that there is no self, which you call seeing, I call "mental seeing."
The difference between you and I are is that I am honest about where I am standing, whereas you are not. You think you are enlightened and eligible to teach (your new self-image), so you feel special, but you have also blocked yourself going deeper because you falsely think you are already there.
How do you really know that the 2 persons on RT that you seem to have guided to liberation are liberated. Are you so deluded to think that you can judge that through their words. Only intellectual enlightenment would be in need of such confirmation of itself in others. Who can possibly confirm others to be enlightened, but their own inner Core!? I could easily go to the RT circus, and write all the words I know and it will be so simple to get confirm, but does that mean anything other than boosting an ego in both directions!?
So, our work is over, and I again recommend you to read the book:
"Half way up the mountain -- the error of premature claims to enlightenment."
you are a coward, bedri. a real coward. shame that you decided to stay stuck in your imaginary land thinking that going in circles from belief to belief is looking for thruth :"Believe it or not, There is only very VERY few in this world who have thought and investigated about Truth as much as I did." - seems that you are proud of your achievment- looking for truth and not finding it is not an achevment, only shows the lack of your own thinking. of course, no one ever tought humans to think for themselves. and what i'm telling you- think for yourself! you are running away scared shitless!!!
you think you know, but are not ready to drop the knowing and look.
how do i know that these 2 people got free? because they looked! you are not even close to looking, too mych bullshit in your head that you can not/ do not want to inspect. all this month you have been running around in circles away from looking.
i look at you and see a coward. "my beliefs are so important to me! i got them from these people who i worked with for 10 years!" grow up bedri. look where you are and how sacred you are to look for yourself.
good luck with your suffering! enjoy!
June 28. Bedri:
It is not true, because my inquiry into Truth goes on with you or without you. It never stopped at any intellectual achievement and will not stop until there is permanent Peace and Happiness. I do not accept fake substitutes.
Good luck with your liberation -- as long as it lasts.
Oh, I see you are my friend again
How is it going?
All is well, thank you.
Did you see it?
There was clear Seeing on the night of June 28th, but the sense of self returned several days later in form of resistance.
So, tell me in all honesty, are you able to think/feel/act free from a self, free from personal involvement and resistance no matter what happens outside, or do you just say, "well this resistance is also part of what is, there is no me doing it"?
My point is that this Seeing thing does not cut off personal involvement/resistance/suffering.
And my interaction with you in the past showed me that there is a personal involvement in you in form of defense/insistance/resistance/attack etc... so you are not free from self.
Your friend StephVen is full of "sense of self" up to his throat, and not only that, he is in denial, deluded and arrogant about it. He feels/thinks/acts as if he is separate from the rest and above from the rest. He is the liberated one and others are enslaved.
My conclusion is that this Seeing thing does not work. I have read also your discourses with others, where they think they saw, but all that happened is that "they have only understood (mentally) that there is no self" which does not translate itself into living that selfless Truth, which is all that matters.
So, at the end, the question is not whether you see it or not, but whether you live free from a self or not!
Liberation is not seeing there is no separate self,
Liberation is Living free from a separate self.
ok bedri, i'll answer your question with whole honesty. i still get annoyed sometimes and resistance rises, but it disolves very quickly as soon as i notice it and look at what is going on. all resistance falls away gradualy. i don't resist resistance and i am free to experiance whatever feeling comes up without feeling that there is something wrong.
in situations that, let's say a year ago would really bring out suffering i am calm inside, no pain. whatever happens there is a clarity inside. nothing sticks anymore.
see, freedom is not freedom from negative, but freedom to experiance whatever comes up without having bad feelings about experiance. it is not what you think and untill you see clearly, you can not understand. you can not. it's so different, that mind can not grasp it.
when you were getting upset with me pushing you, i did not feel any resistance towards you, i just so wanted to crack the wall of concepts in your head. that time there was thunder and lightning here, all nature wanted to break you free, hehe...
anyway, you have experianced something, but you haven't gone through. nope. same as before- your cup is full, bedri. you can think what you want, how it should be or how it should't, but it is NOT what you think. unless you are ready to let go of ALL your knowledge about liberation and see it with fresh eyes, you will be stuck forerver in your beautiful illusion of what it should be.
Liberation STARTS from seeing that there is not separate self in real life at all. and what happens then, you will find out after you see it clearly.
So, what is your definition of "self" and how do you see its non-existence if it does not exist?
Do you meditate, do you think about it all day long, do you ask questions about it and wait for an answer?
I really don't know what you do, and what you mean when you say look.... of course, the self cannot be seen by eyes or mind, but it is experienced as resistance to what is, and this resistance is everywhere, almost in all persons...
What did you exactly do in order to SEE?
Just being open-minded all day and wait for an answer, i.e., live as if you are meditating all day? or what exactly?
p.s apparently many questions above, are actually the same question asked in different forms...
Ok, none of what's asked is true. No meditating, no asking questions..not even thinking about it.
How do you know that Santa is not real?
It is not real in real world. There is no such thing as Santa other then story about it.
Self is same as Santa- not real! It only exists as thought!
I am thinking- thought.
Thinker is a thought.
I is a label for thoughts about self. Nothing more.
Table- real. Monitor - real. Santa- not real. Self- not real.
Just check there. Is there a self in reality?
Yes, it is clear that "I" have no control over the feelings and actions, and no control over the first thought that pops up in the mind, but "I" have control over to resist/hold that first thought and produce similar I-labeled resistive thoughts, and if I wasn't doing it, would you say that God/Life is doing it? But, then life doesn't resist, and so then, who is resisting? A belief cannot resist either... So, something is resisting and that something is the self... it seems, what do you say?
you cannot see a thought either, but it is real, isn't it?
and you cannot see Consciousness, but it is the ultimate reality, so I really don't understand your point here...
What is seen with the eyes could also be an illusion, a rope can appear as a snake...
What I mean is that there must be something there that appears as the self.
Okay to clarify this further, what I am trying to say is that,
Consciousness resisting is the self
i.e., self is a state in Consciousness
the undeniable Presence that "I AM" (which I call Consciousness) when It resists a thought, it produces the sense of self, or the sense of separate "I."
It's not state, just a thought. The thought I that precedes other thoughts.
Look: body breaths by itself, but the thought "I" makes it -> I breathe.
There is no breather. Breathing happens.
There us no thinker, thinking happens,
There is no observer, observing happens.
There is no resister, resisting happens.
All life is happening by itself efortlesly.
Only assumption that there is I doing all that makes it appear so. There is no I in real life, it's just a thought.
"I am" is the only certainty that there is. "that" is just in imagination. Story. Real fiction.
I don't see...
If resisting is just happening even in the absence of an I/resister,
then why should it be cut off / dropped when the I is seen as unreal -- it doesn't make sense.
In other words,
if resisting is just happening all by itself, then it will always continue happening together with suffering,
then what is the use of seeing?
My understanding is resistance = self, so
it is there when the self is there, and it is dropped when the self is seen as unreal. Do you follow me?
i.e. according to what you say,
resisting or suffering will go on whether the self is seen as real or not, because it is part of what is...
I is the core of suffering. Assumption that there is a self is the cause of suffering. Once you see that there never even was a self then resistance drops.
Resistance is not self.
Resistance is a response to a thought by another thought. Conflicting beliefs. Friction between concepts. It's happening as a result of unquestioned beliefs.
The core is belief that there is a separate self. There is no self at all in real life. Notice what is already obvious.
It won't stick. As there is no self to stick to.
okay, last question for tonight:
> Resistance is a response to a thought by another thought.
but, who is responding, isn't Consciousness responding?
i.e. same question in a different form: Isn't Consciousness that believes in a separate self, resisting? how can it undo that belief?
Brain reaction. Programming. That does not need an I to operate. Brain works by itself. Like the rest of the body.
Thoughts come up by themselves. There is no one responding, but response happening.
Life is creative process in action. Flow. Just free flowing. Life- ing
The clearer the mind from beliefs the smoother the ride.
Consciousness does not believe in anything. This is just another thought about consciousness.
How do you realise that Santa is not real? You look at the truth of it and see: there is no self at all in real life.
I understand what you are saying, but I don't see, because the Seeing must come from Life-ing and it is just not happening yet. There must be a deep understanding so that that core belief is undone. Or, perhaps I have to inquire more on it...
what you say resonates as true,,, but it is not a deep realization yet... so I am open for it
yet, this little resonance gives also a little uncaused Joy inside and things are moving... so we'll see (no pun intended
Ha, thing is, YOU can not see.
There is no you to see.
It is happening already. All by itself. Just notice. There is no one to notice, but noticing happening.
Shift is very subtle, almost unnoticeable. Relax. It is already here. Just let it unfold.
Okay, I will stay open to this unfolding...
Let's talk more tomorrow.
Thank you for looking.
Sounds good, thank you very much too.
How is it going today?
Today was an overall more peaceful day, I have noticed there was no resistance, with the exception of the thought: "will it last?" but this thought did not last.
Looking back I think this is where I was stuck:
I knew that I had no control over thoughts/feelings/actions, but since I took John de Ruiter's teaching to the heart, I assumed I had control on letting-go or holding of a thought.
However, life proved me wrong time after time, the only time I was able to let-go holding was when letting-go happened, not because I wanted it, and many times, when I wanted to stay letting-go, I was holding by virtue of habit, and whenever I tried to let go, I found that my holding has become even more intense.
So, looking back I see that I had no control over anything whatsoever.
I think the dilemma of many Advaitan students is that they think they are the Consciousness, which is separate from the thought, and that they can somewhat do something with that thought. This reinforces the illusion of self, I as Consciousness, separate from thoughts. However, Consciousness is not separate from anything and cannot impose control on anything as self. To assume, I as Consciousness have control over thought, makes Consciousness appear to be personal and limited--a separate self.
I have let go of this false belief simply because it doesn't work and so it is not true.
Either "Consciousness is" (I-AM, or nonduality), or, I appear (falsely assume) to have control (duality), but not both at the same time. I was mixing nonduality with duality when I said, I have choice to hold or let-go as Consciousness.
So, thank you for helping me see through that and let go...
To conclude, it is best not to think of Consciousness as a subject, which is what most Advaitan teachers are teaching, unfortunately, which leads to the mistaken thinking that Consciousness is my personal self.
now few quick questions...
1) How is seeing any different from mentally understanding something? How can one know for sure seeing has happened that will never be lost, especially, if this seeing is so subtle as you mention that it can be unnoticed?
2) How do YOU know if someone you are guiding has seen when he/she may have just intellectually understood your concepts thus making it another belief?
3) if I have no control over anything because I don't exist, then how can seeing be guaranteed? What I mean is that, if the soul is not ready to cross the gate, no matter how much you tell them to look, they will simply not see, because seeing is not meant to happen for them yet, i.e., if it is not part of the universal will. So, you won't be able to change the universal will (if this person is not meant to see yet) by any effort on your part, is this not true?
4) Is the belief in a separate self so powerful that it can produce ignorant thinking? I thought the belief cannot create that, only Consciousness can create thoughts, but this puts Consciousness again into a dualistic perspective, as in Consciousness creating thoughts. In other words, how do you explain that prior to the seeing, there are ignorant thoughts, and after the seeing, there are no ignorant thoughts... so what has stopped creating them? or, What was creating them before is no longer there?
Good, getting there.
No, we are not consciousness.
As you have so many questions which are long and complicated it is obvious that there are still things to look at. You can trust me, I know when seeing happens. You are getting close.
Please rewrite your questions into simple four sentences and if by the time you've done with that you still want to ask me something, I'll answer.
At this point you have to clarify everything for yourself whatever needs clarity. Just keep writing. This is your job now. I can't do it for you.
You are doing great.
1) How does one know seeing has happened or not?
2) What is the difference between Seeing and intellectually understanding that I have no control and there is no self (which I have already understood)?
3) If nothing is under my control then Seeing is also not under my control. So, what if it doesn't happen in this life-time?
4) If Seeing is Real, then it must be timelessly there always, then what could be the last thing that is blocking the Seeing?
1. There is absolute certainty. No doubt at all.
2. like 2 sides of a coin: Intellectual understanding and seeing are different sides of the same coin. When it's intelectal- it's a belief. Seeing destroys belief. There is absolute knowing.
3. Seeing is not under your control, no. But if you look closely, it is already happening. It is a process, not a moment in time. And you are right in the middle of it. the fear, that it may not happen in this lifetime is just a fear. Look behind that.
Like any process liberation has many stages/ steps. Don't expect an event to happen, nothing will happen as it already is what it is.
Liberation is inevitable, it's not up to you, but it's happening as you. In reality it is just happening. Trust the process. Surrender.
Check again- is there a self in real life?
4. What is the last thing blocking the seeing?
It's various. Everyone is different. What is it for you? That is the right question.
What is it? Bedri?
You are seeing it already, but the mind says that you are not, that something needs to happen.
I say, it is happening already. Just notice! Can you see?
What you say resonates as true; this resonance itself reveals a Knowing inside that knows the Truth of it with certainty, despite a thought that may cast a doubt on this Knowing.
Look at my latest FB wall post from April 6th:
The seeker of happiness (“me”) is the only source of our unhappiness.
SEEing the seeker as unreal reveals the only Source of our Happiness.
After this revelation I stopped writing because something was missing, and that something -- I see now -- came through our interaction. In other words, I didn't exactly know how to FULLY see the self as unreal, and I had made it a practice to look if there is conflict and then let go, but the self was the (apparent) doer of this practice and hence stayed intact (as belief).. I haven't really looked and inquired carefully to see if there is a self, I assumed there was one, making the choice of "holding and letting-go," but it never truly worked.
I think no spiritual practice ever works as long as the belief of self is intact.
This is truly the first time there is more of a knowing inside that the self is non-existent and there is a relaxation that came with it, a perfume of the Knowing that can be felt. Life is... is certainly True.
The fear that it may not happen in this life-time, is a fear associated with the self (a thought) that may never get "THE FINAL THING." As the self is non-existent, it is true that it will never get it, and it fears that Truth. Just a feeling associated with a thought (a lie).
The last thing that is blocking the seeing is the lack of Trust in Life that is already Seeing it, and this is associated with the old belief that "my self" can spoil it again and lose it. It is just a belief (of the self). Truth/Life is free of that (belief), and has always been free of it. Always sees it.
I see now it is a tremendous relief to be free from a self.
It also releases one from the burden of blaming/attacking others as if they have a self. If there is no self here, there is no self any where. No one is every guilty. All must be forgiven.
So, to conclude, I cannot claim anything about Seeing fully, but if I say that I don't see, that would be a lie, also.
> I say, it is happening already. Just notice! Can you see?
The answer has to be a Yes.
Wow, such a relief.
Thank you for looking. Truly.
That was one long ride!
Isn't that obvious, that when you see it, you know.
So to conclude this whole journey, can you answer me last questions:
What is self?
What is real?
What is bedri?
Self is the belief in the existence of an entity that owns this body/mind/life and has control to change them. It is an illusion/dream. It is the entry point to all dreams.
Reality is absence of self & duality. Life is real. "This" is real.
Bedri is an expression/manifestation of nondual Life.
Thank You Ilona, such a Joy Knowing you.
There has been a profound sense of surrender, which wasn't experienced before to this intensity, and it is happening effortlessly. You were right when you said that it (Seeing) needs not be remembered. All the daily activities are done effortlessly and with no more agony, such as "I have to do this and this today..." and there is no even thinking of what has led to that, it seems so natural to live this way.
Together with that surrender, residual and strong fears (that has lingered in the subconscious for many years) are coming to surface, such as losing the mind, going insane, dying from illness etc... These feelings do not, however, seem to have the power to outrun or win over the inner peace and relaxation experienced along with them.
As I write you these, I am reminded of a dream I had years ago (which felt very real at the time), it was "me throwing my body suddenly backwards, only to be caught in the arms of a hidden Being that then held me like a baby (safe and secure)--there was trust and love."